Name: 11: Hilariously Answering Your Effed Up Questions
Uploaded: 2023-04-03T10:45:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '11: Hilariously Answering Your Effed Up Questions' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '11: Hilariously Answering Your Effed Up Questions' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-03. Transcript available.

11: Hilariously Answering Your Effed Up Questions

What do you think is the biggest factor holding men back from evolving and
growing?
Gravity.
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous,
and meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger.
Enjoy.
Philip Sophocles, the first ever philosopher.
Philip Sophocles, is that what it is?
What?
I just want to say, like, my threshold for exhaustion is getting so low
to where yesterday we had to wake up at maybe 6.45 a.m.
We signed an NDA, otherwise we'd tell you why.
We signed an NDA, we wouldn't tell you, but let's just say networks are
involved.
You can't say that.
Really?
I don't think.
I don't think so.
Bleep.
That was...
Bleep it.
Yeah, two minutes, two seconds.
All right, we can't say.
Two minutes, two seconds in.
We can't say what we were doing, but...
Eric, you need to watch your fucking mouth on the podcast, okay?
We need to peel the curtain behind the scenes.
Yeah, I guess I do.
We are stopping and starting so many times because Eric is naming all these
names.
Dude, because...
And he gets in...
And I'll tell you why.
More people should be that way, though.
No, I'll tell you why.
I think I respect that in people.
I respect that in myself.
No, the reason is because you don't have to edit this shit, and so you're hella
reckless
with it.
Right, right.
Me and Nate go in and go back and cover up your mistakes.
You're a fucking bitch, dude.
The surprise that you guys have in store waiting for you for all the work you've
done for editing
is going to blow your mind.
Let's just say your feet are going to be a little sandy.
There's going to be a couple coronas in your hands.
You're getting kind of Trump-adjacent with your speech right now.
No, I never get that way.
There's going to be a little bit of...
A little surprise.
I don't sound like Trump.
I never sound like him.
Never have.
Least sounding like Trump guy ever.
Least sounding like Trump ever.
Ever.
What did he do?
Wait, let's get...
Oh, he did all...
Didn't he call Ted Cruz a pussy?
No, he called his wife a ugly something.
No, this is new, though.
Oh, he went in again?
He called...
Somebody in the audience, one of his rallies said, like, Ted Cruz is a pussy.
And then Trump was like...
Trump was like, well, I wouldn't say that, but to anybody who didn't hear it,
she said,
Ted Cruz is a pussy.
No.
I'd never say it.
I mean, listen, listen, listen.
That's not...
Well, bring civility back to politics.
Yeah, that's what I want to say, not to defend Ted Cruz, but let's be civil, y'all.
Like, seriously, it's not funny to be that way.
Well, Ted Cruz is one of the worst people.
Yeah, he is.
And he's ugly.
Well, that's okay.
Until he got that beard, that sexy Salt-N-Pepa beard.
And he got, oh, you know, he gives beautiful kisses.
Massages, lip massages.
All over the body.
He'd go down on the mouth.
Do you guys remember his voice acting, kind of, or his Simpsons video?
Where he is, like...
No.
It was when he was actually running for president, and he was, like, just
trying to seem relatable.
So, whoever was on his team to try and make him, like, more human, like, that
person needs
to be, like, just...
Their head needs to be chopped off.
I need to hire somebody to make me more human.
No, man.
How could I be more human to the people out there?
You know who has a good person is Mark Zuckerberg.
I feel like that person is knocking it out of the park for how bad he is in
interviews
and how, kind of, like, not a public speaker-y he is.
Yeah.
That person has knocked it out of the park, because I'm seeing the progress
from 10 years
ago to now.
He's saying things like, hello, I am cooking 1,700 burgers today in my backyard
wearing a
single t-shirt.
But I think he progressed.
I want to hear about the Simpsons thing, but I want to say this about Mark
Zuckerberg.
I think he, through extreme wealth and fame, he progressed, progressed,
progressed to being
this full alien, because back in the social network days, okay...
Jesse Eisenberg, Justin Timberlake, yada, yada.
There's a clip I just watched of him giving a guest lecture at Harvard at, like,
a computer
science entry-level course.
You were listening to so many lectures.
Well, I got three lectures going on at once.
So I got, like, Yerba Mate, dark coffee, coffee with milk and sugar on the
other side.
But in the lecture, he is more of this, kind of, this, like, edgelordy.
He seems like he comes in and he's like, the first thing he says after he's
introduced,
he's like, interesting lecture hall.
He's like, I didn't actually attend many of these.
I skipped class a lot in college.
I was working on my own stuff.
Yeah, anyways, so this will probably only be 20 minutes.
I don't have that much prepared, but, and he's going off and people are like,
there's
literally 12 people in the lecture.
Well, because, you know...
And he was a baddie.
I was like, I'm getting all attracted right now.
Well, he got his start as being a baddie, didn't he?
Yeah.
Because he didn't make Facebook none of them, no, no, didn't he?
Oh, he stole it from me.
He stole it.
So he's kind of like a, in a sense, like, he got the $5 discount, five-finger
discount.
He's a tech Carlos Mencia?
He's a tech Los Mencia.
I will defend Carlos Mencia to the death.
I love Mr. Mencia.
And he will, too.
D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D-D, that's not his catchphrase.
He stole that, though.
Yeah, he stole D-D-D-D?
Yeah, from, from, from...
Well, don't say from who, we know from who.
I won't say from who, but we know.
Let's just say they have a TV show now.
And let's just say it's...
Okay, what did Ted Cruz do with The Simpsons?
Oh, he just had this interview.
I think it was with, like, Variety or something like that.
And he was like, hey, guys, I love The Simpsons.
And he did all of the impressions of, like, all the characters.
Did he do Apu?
Well, he did.
It was mostly Apu.
No, no, no, no.
No, I don't think he did Apu, but he did, like...
It was just the cringiest thing I've ever seen in my life.
Oh, my God.
Really?
You think that's cringe?
I'd like to see you get even close to that.
But you couldn't even do three right now.
I cannot even be cringe at all.
I've never even gotten close to it in one second of my life.
Give me a Bart impression.
Hey, God.
Nope.
Not even close.
That was really close.
Why are you stopping yourself?
I didn't even sound...
What are you talking about?
That was awful.
I forget what he even sounded like.
He says, in my shorts.
He just sounded really good, yeah.
Yeah.
Is one of your teeth silver?
Oh, no.
It's just a spit bubble.
My bad.
Oh, shit.
What if I came in with a silver tooth?
If you came in with a silver tooth.
Why don't people do that anymore?
You know, I just got a good Dracula defense idea.
Why don't they just wear...
How do you kill them?
With silver?
Silver bullets.
Oh, garlic.
No, no.
Garlic is a myth.
It doesn't work on vampires.
Well, all I'm saying, if it was garlic or silver bullets, all you got to do is
make
a garlic scarf, and then when he goes to bite your neck, you already got the
garlic on.
Oh, that's Jesus.
Why the fuck didn't they just do that?
You just hold garlic out?
Why don't they gather it around their neck?
And then he just smacks it out of his way and he bites them.
The puka shell garlic?
I want to say this about undead.
You were a millisecond away from pulling off the craziest sentence.
I know it.
I don't know what...
Some happened.
You miss every sentence you don't try to say, you know?
There was a brain malfunction.
That's right.
Okay, so what we've done is we...
So a lot of podcasts don't give a fucking shit about their fucking...
The people that listen to them, but we are...
Patronizers.
We actually love you guys.
We love the fuck out of you guys.
We're so lucky to have everybody that's listening.
And we have some of the best listeners on planet Earth, and we have gone out on
our Instagram
follow us on Instagram, joytaxas, or joytaxaspod, or something like that.
And we have asked you guys to ask us some questions, and we want to know what y'all
want to know
about because...
Because we know.
Because we care about you guys.
And I am blown away by some of the questions that we've been getting, and I
think that every person
that listens to us, I am seriously impressed by your hilariousness level.
Your curiosity.
Your curiosity, your curiosity, your curiosity, your knowledge of the world is
blowing us away.
And I'm just excited to get cooking in these questions.
I'm so excited, too.
While we're on the topic of listener demographics, whatever, I do want to say
this.
We have had the chance to uncover under the hood a little bit of the
demographics of the people that listen to the podcast.
And shockingly, it's skewing about 86% male listeners for now, 14% female or
whatever you identify as.
So we had a request for all the fellas out there, send this podcast to a lady
in your life.
This one is for the ladies, by the way.
We're starting to change the way that we do the podcast, and it's becoming a
lot more broadly appealing.
So send us out there, seriously.
If you're about to go on a first date, or if you have a dental hygienist or a
doctor or a boss or somebody who's a woman,
corner them for about 30 minutes and tell them about us.
Tell them about whatever Rogan clips you're watching, any jujitsu you're
getting interested in, whatever supplements you're on.
Because we are three ladies' men, okay?
And what women really like is when dudes talk about podcasts that they listen
to, of three dudes hosting it.
And there's pretty much nothing more that they love than that.
Yeah.
And there was a very offensive article that just came out.
Did you see this in the New York Times?
About us?
About podcasters.
Oh, I'm not surprised.
The New York Times is, what did they say?
Interested in the New York to the rotten New York Times.
The New York Times.
The New York Loser Times.
Well, we live there.
We like New York.
Well, once you're on to something, like something so shocking.
I know.
That's when the haters come out.
That's when the haters come out.
What did the article say?
First they doubt you.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then they plant and sprout you.
Then they secretly love you.
Then they respect you.
Then they hate you again.
Then you change the world.
That's right.
That's right.
Because a change back is a setup.
But I want to say this again.
Whoever wrote that piece in the New York Times about podcasters, I don't know
who hurt you
and I don't know how they did it, but I feel for you and I empathize with you
and I don't
hate you.
I love you.
Yeah.
And just listen to the podcast for 10 hours and see how you feel.
I legitimately think that if right before they were about to send that to the
editor, if
they would have pulled up Spotify, went to Joy Tactics and listened to three
seconds
of an episode, they would have scrapped that fucking article right to the curb
or at least
added an asterisk.
I wonder if Barack is listening to this.
Oh, for sure.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He's probably up with Sasha and Malia.
I think Sasha and Malia.
Oh, of course.
Sasha and Malia, thank you for your patronage.
We love you.
And they signed up as one patron.
Yeah.
We know you got the money.
Just this, whatever.
And by the way, keep crushing on the elliptical because I know that's where you're
tuning
us into on.
Uh-huh.
To all the Obama.
Because here's the funny thing about listening to Joy Tactics when you're
working out is that
you might not notice this a little peek behind the curtain.
We speak conversationally perfectly at 80 beats per minute.
Correct.
To keep your heart going, to keep your cardio going.
It's difficult.
But we've trained ourselves for a long time.
And I want to say this to Michelle.
We didn't forget about you, girl.
You know, I'm next for the presidential spot.
Right.
What?
Michelle Obama?
Yeah, yeah.
Well, she's going to be the next president.
I think she could be.
Oh.
And she changed school lunches.
Oh, my goodness.
She might be.
She did so much more than s