Name: We Are Begging To Be Sued | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP12
Uploaded: 2023-04-10T11:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Are Begging To Be Sued | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP12' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'We Are Begging To Be Sued | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP12' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-04-10. Transcript available.

We Are Begging To Be Sued | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP12

Kiehl's deodorant and Mason and Margiela.
It's right there, bitch.
Don't call me a bitch.
I don't know why I said that.
Bleep that, bleep that, bleep that, bleep that, bleep that.
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous,
and meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger.
Enjoy.
There's no bleeping for anything you say on this episode, right, Eric?
I don't care what the fuck you say.
You are going down in flames with whatever that you say.
So be careful, man.
I think I do hit rock bottom so soon.
I would give anything to just fucking rip a hookah with Jonah Hill and
freestyle all night long
and just sit around, sit in like an apartment complex about an hour outside of
Baltimore
at my friend's parents' place.
Just kick some 90s-style freestyles with the whiteys.
You start having so much fun with Jonah Hill that you make him alcoholic.
Is he sober?
I don't know if he is.
No, hell no.
And if he deals with any addictions, God help me for saying that.
But that's just the amount of fun that we have.
Well, people wouldn't want to stop drinking with us the first time they chill
with us.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Or they want to keep that high going.
I understand that.
Do you remember when that video of Leonardo DiCaprio, he bum-rushes Jonah Hill
on the street?
And he's like, oh, God, what the fuck?
This fan's about to-
Oh, shit.
Mr. Leo.
My man, Leo.
Let me ask you, Leonardo DiCaprio right now.
I'd say this.
Could you really not fit on the door?
Fit on the door?
Wait, what?
Oh, oh, oh.
Titanic.
Oh, Titanic.
Could you really not fit on the door?
Titanic door.
Or is it because what people don't realize about that debate is it's not just
shape-wise,
it's buoyancy.
Right.
People have different buoyancy factors.
Right.
And especially with the water's cold, it's moving more rapidly for people to
fall through.
Man.
But what are you guys wearing right now?
Nate.
What I got on right now is some khakis, a probably 20-year-old shirt that is, I
think it's at
the cusp of fraying and getting all old.
Then, no, man.
Are you kidding me?
A small?
No, I'm a large.
This is large?
This is a large.
Larges come in medium sizes, I feel like, a lot of the time.
I know.
I know.
Like, it's not a true large.
Especially as I put some weight on, I know that it is.
The large has changed.
The larges have changed.
Yeah.
And it's in, we're not, they think we're dumb, these clothing companies.
I know.
They're sneaking in.
I think we're saving fabrics.
They're sneaking in.
Oh, reverse.
Yeah, they're taking away fabrics from us.
Mm-hmm.
We notice.
We notice.
And what else am I wearing?
Garfield Conservatory hat.
Oh, Garfield Conservatory of Chicago.
Glasses.
That I just got at the gift shop because I wanted to, and you know what?
It's free to go there.
But I said, I'm going to go to the gift shop and I'm going to support this.
How much was that?
$25?
Oh, that's a steal for a new hat.
And I tip too.
And I tip at places you don't, you're not supposed to.
And they're like, what are you doing?
And I'm like, here, just take it.
Take it.
Don't.
And I said, don't put it in the system.
Take that back to your family.
Go buy dinner.
Yeah.
On me.
Wow.
Oh, we should do an ASMR party.
I would love to.
Oh, we should do Jack's fashion ASMR style.
All right.
Here I go, y'all.
I'm wearing jeans.
I'm also wearing a sweater from the 80s that I got on eBay.
And I'm wearing glasses.
And I'm wearing the same underwear I've been wearing yesterday all day.
And I feel like I had something else to say by getting my clothes last.
I got dress socks on.
Dress socks on that I got for my cousin's wedding.
You know, like you got a smoker voice.
I got dress socks that get on in my face.
ASMR voice.
Dress socks that get so much nastier than regular cotton socks.
I know.
You know what I mean?
You wear dress socks for four hours and you're like, oh, there.
Oh, you can feel the wetness?
Yeah.
Good.
Dress socks need to change.
We need to get like an every man's dress sock that thinks about how men
actually sweat.
I just remembered.
I was going to say, I feel like people who haven't seen me in person would be
shocked
to hear what my shirt sizes are.
Because what are you wearing?
You're wearing a large, right?
Are you in a triple XL tall T?
I wear XL shirts and I wear double XL dress shirts.
Double XL?
You do not wear a double.
I think you're overcompensating, dude.
I'm not.
It's because you got a long arm.
It's because of the length.
It's not because of nothing else.
It's because my, you know, my legs are so long.
Well, you need to hit the B&T store and get the T.
No, I need to hit the B&T store.
What is B&T?
Big and tall?
Oh, my God.
Oh, I've been to the big and tall store, but they denied me.
But you don't need the big part.
You need the tall part.
You have to be big and tall.
It's not big or tall for real.
They kicked me out.
I was looking for some clothes for big people and they said-
What if you're just big and not tall?
Well, if you're tall and not big, then you need to go to a tailor, I guess.
The world's not fair.
The opposite of that, a short and tiny or a small and little as shit and
fucking little.
In a different way.
Little as shit in store.
You know they do.
They got them.
What is the opposite of big?
Small and short.
Oh, nice.
Yeah.
Everybody's what?
Got a store these days?
You tell me, man.
Are we shrinking as a society?
I wonder who the skinniest, shortest man is.
Hmm.
Let's think of who the shortest, skinniest one we can think of is.
Well, we're not going to get disrespectful with this, so let's move on.
No, it's not disrespectful.
Why is it disrespectful?
World culture is so crazy.
I can't literally say somebody's height and weight.
Is there anything more scientifically rude nor realistic?
Any size.
If you are literally any size of anything, we just want to say that we love you,
whatever size you are.
We love to size you are.
If you are short, if you are big, if you are medium, if you are traditionally
hot and sexy as fuck,
we like you guys as well, but we also like people who are traditionally, I'm
not saying this,
but just how the Hollywood and media portrays people to be ugly.
We like those people as well.
All types of people.
I like fugly people.
I'll say it.
That's on my perspective.
You hang out with the ugliest people I've ever seen in my fucking life.
I find people with boils and warts and all type of disfigurations.
Yeah, you hang out with underground people.
And I surround myself with them.
Physically.
And I'll say this.
Give me any celebrity's weight and I'll guess it.
Well, if we tell you the weight, then I mean, all right, let's do it.
Give me any celebrity's name and I'll guess the weight.
All right, let's do an easy one.
Guess the weight.
What if we give you a weight and you guess the celebrity?
Tom Cruise is a clean, a very muscly 173.
Chris Pine.
Way too high.
He's 156.
He's 150.
No.
How is that like Googleable knowledge somebody weighs?
It tells you in kilograms.
I guess he's got that short.
He's got that yummy, yummy.
Tom Cruise has the yummiest yummy looking.
He's got those yammy.
Yo, Tom Cruise, you yummy.
You yummy, man.
Tom Cruise, I want to eat you like a caramel apple.
You got that yummy, yummy.
What is the yummy, yummy?
I heard that Tom Cruise loved the new Flash movie so bad with that person that
leads the movie that got in trouble.
Oh, Ezra.
Ezra, whatever.
Tom Cruise loved the movie so much that he called the director and said, you
made a masterpiece.
Oh, you want me to guess Chris Pine's weight?
Chris Pine.
I know this.
It's 181.
181?
No way.
Do you guys have it for?
He is 172.
172.
And I'm surprised you didn't do it in kilograms because you don't agree with
the-
Well, I think in the metric system, but I translate it so quickly.
To the Imperial.
That's Chris Pine.
Wait, is Imperial what we use?
The Imperials?
I use my own system.
No, that can't be right.
Imperials sounds a little British.
British.
All right.
Wait, don't you guys think that Chris Pine is like too good looking of a guy
that it kind
of like takes you out of the film?
You're like, no, no one.
When do you just walk around seeing somebody that looks like Chris Pine?
You don't.
You just don't.
It's so unrealistic.
And I want to say to any of the casting people that are casting the Dungeons
and Dragons movies
or whatever, just we need to see ourselves in these movies.
And more like Chris Pine.
Right.
He's just too good looking.
Too fine.
He's too fine.
I could compliment someone.
You're too fine.
Chris Pine looks like, can you be like, well, you know, because by the way, in
the fifties
and forties, nobody had enough nourishment to be hot.
You know what I'm saying?
And so that's why we had the real looking people back then.
That malnourished riz.
Whatever.
Cary Grant.
Well, Cary Grant had it like that.
Remember Cary Grant?
No, that's a guy.
Oh, yeah.
Cary Grant is a guy.
I'm thinking of Hugh Grant.
I mean, he was handsome.
He was handsome.
Look at that guy.
Who are you talking about?
He's handsome.
Hugh Grant?
Cary Grant.
Yeah.
Oh.
Cary Grant?
He looks like a-
He was classic looking.
He looks like George Clooney, really.
But he would be a character actor today, I'm telling you that much.
Yeah, he'd be like the humpback in 300.
There needs to be more respect for character actors.
We are character actors.
I know.
That's why I'm saying that.
Every acting role is a character.
I don't want to hear that term thrown around.
I disagree.
It implies a specific physical attribute or behavioral type, but it's a
character.
Who do we glorify?
People that play themselves in every single movie.
You think-
That's easy.
That's easy.
We are doing hunchback of Notre Dame style, full body change.
I'm doing the reverse hunchback where I got the belly out.
Yeah.
The fucking chest back.
I've been putting on about 40 pounds over the last three years for a role.
Nobody's cast me in yet.
You're preparing, but you know it's coming.
You're proactively-
I'm proactively-
Well, what you do is, this is a great strategy.
You look at somebody who's on the rise.
You look at like, I've been studying personally, Martin Shkreli for the last 10
years, trying
to get his style and everything perfectly done and knowing that the biopic is
coming up.
You're close.
All I need to do is lose about a couple more skeletal, bit of skeleton weight,
bone mass
and everything.
Lose some bones like Marilyn Manson style so you can do the self-set.
Not non-sexually, but yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Of course.
And let me say this.
Nice, man.
Just like food and style and everything, things move in trends, right?
And things that are trendy one decade become the opposite of trendy the next
decade.
So who right now is very hot, right?
It's Timothee Chalamet.
Right.
I'm thinking 10 years in the future.
What's the opposite of Timothee Chalamet?
It's the body type.
You are the opposite.
The complete night and day opposite of Timothee Chalamet is Eric Rahel.
Just personality-wise, vibes-wise, abrasive, not chill at all.
Chalamet, your time is up, biatch.
Bye.
No.
You had your time, man.
I do want to wish Timothee Chalamet.
I said this in my stand-up, but he's the new Wonka, and we just know that he's
going
to crush the hell out of this new Wonka.
But he's not going to do it better than Gene Wilder.
Yes, he will.
No, he won't.
Oh, you know what my favorite Gene Wilder thing is?
Singing in the rain.
Isn't that him?
No, man.
No, no, no, no.
That's Gene Kelly.
Oh, my bad.
Well, I got the Gene right.
But no, Gene Wilder did this.
We'll show you.
It's my favorite thing I've ever seen.
Timothee Chalamet low-key looked like a little-ass Vegeta.
Oh, shit.
He was in Alice in Wonderland.
Oh, really?
Soup.
Congrats.
And there's a part where he sings this song called Beautiful Soup, and he's a
little turtle,
and it goes like this.
This song has been stuck in my head for, I'm not kidding you, seven years.
You probably heard me sing.
I