Name: 18: David & Goliath [ft. Caleb Pitts]
Uploaded: 2023-05-22T11:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '18: David & Goliath [ft. Caleb Pitts]' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '18: David & Goliath [ft. Caleb Pitts]' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-05-22. Transcript available.

18: David & Goliath [ft. Caleb Pitts]

Can you imagine if an earthquake happened and somebody started crumping on it?
Crumping?
Well, it would look like they were just standing still.
That would look like it.
They'd be perfectly going anti-today.
They'd be getting stabilized.
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous,
and meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger.
Enjoy.
Good morning, everybody.
It's 9 a.m. in Ridgewood, New York.
It's a beautiful 60 degrees.
We're with four of the hottest white guys that have ever been around the block.
They're going on a hike later today.
Joy Tactics.
Dial 9-800-162-85 if you want to get a ticket to see something interesting
tonight
at the back of whatever it's called dot com.
Yeah, crazy Jack.
We are mourning the loss of our intern today.
He got all smushed.
We're blessed to be here in the Pot About List studio.
Caleb has graciously allowed us to pop in and do a guest.
Oh, smell.
I so graciously let you come to a war zone to record the podcast.
Oh, there's construction going on in the background.
That's okay.
Oh, it's lovely.
I like it more.
I mean, this is, yeah, yeah.
It's raw.
Yeah.
You guys, I feel like you guys always have one thing with any episode you guys
do.
It's always recording with the two laptops or something.
Yeah.
Like, why not have somebody hitting a saw into a wall?
I think it adds to it.
And people like audio kind of like landscape building.
Yeah.
Did you ever listen?
You grew up Christian.
You ever listen to Adventures in Odyssey?
Oh, yes, I did.
Yes.
On Family, what's it called?
Family Matters.
Family First or some shit.
Family First.
Have you all ever heard?
It was good at storytelling.
It was so good, dude.
Yeah.
Can you give us a little look into what that is for those of us?
Basically, there would be a...
Well, like reenact what a scene would be like.
Yeah, so it'd be like, Dad, say fucking...
They wouldn't say fuck.
They wouldn't say fuck.
Dad, today stunk.
Hey, Danny.
Um.
Yeah, I mean, some of them were busted and they didn't have that good a
storytelling, but
it was compelling.
It would be like a girl dies in a car.
Like, it would always be somebody dies or something.
And the reason would be because she had premarital sex or she smoked a
cigarette or something
like that.
And then at the end, the dad, the kids would come to the den and be like, hey,
fuck it.
Today, 400 people died.
A giant wave killed them.
And then their dad would be like, well, it says in the Bible, man, sometimes
that happens.
And that would be the entire episode.
Right.
God never speaks.
It always comes through the parental figures.
Did you guys ever go to a hell house?
Did you ever have that?
I lived in a haunted house?
You mean a haunted house?
No, no, no.
Hell house.
Are you familiar with this?
Not even a little.
Oh, my God.
Okay.
A hell house is like during kind of Halloween time.
My church put this together.
It's like almost an interactive, I don't even know how to describe it.
Hell?
It's like they do.
Yeah.
They kind of reenact like what hell is like.
And there's like different stations.
There's like demons walking around.
And then there's like a station where there's like a car that somebody drunk
drove in.
And it has all these like, oh, if you have premarital sex, like this will
happen to you.
There's like a STD fucking station.
The STD monster.
Yeah.
In a house?
Yeah.
I thought it was going to be like the kitchen.
This is all.
No, no.
They make over the church.
The roommates are fucking on the couch.
I mean, everybody does have their own definition of hell.
That's true.
What's your definition of hell?
My definition of hell is losing all my followers.
What else?
No, I can't think of much else.
Running out of cereal ideas.
Running out of, yeah, yeah.
No, but you all never went to a hell house?
I never even heard of that.
I've been to Hell Child Nightmare.
True.
Sarah Sherman's show.
We did fall festivals, which is like you go into, it's a big gymnasium.
You bob for apples.
You do the cake walk.
I won that shit every year.
I was about my cake when I was a kid.
I knew that.
You had that cake as a kid?
I was getting, no.
I had that big ol' ass.
You had that.
I was a kid.
No, no, no.
I was all caked up when I was a kid.
Don't, don't.
I kind of was.
I did have that big ass.
Was?
Yeah.
I was just, I just had a, I've had a wide body my whole life.
I've always been pretty wide in every direction.
And when I was a kid, especially downstairs, I had a wide one.
Did you guys like shopping for clothes when you were kids?
No.
No.
Every day I'd go shopping as a kid.
I feel like you had a body as a kid.
I think Caleb, me, and Nate were kind of the bigger boys.
And I know that you were going to Zoomies and fitting into any shirt you wanted.
You had, you could go to Uniqlo.
Yeah.
Y'all were going to Zoomies and Uniqlo as kids?
No, don't make this about our privilege, dude.
No, listen to me.
Yeah.
We were rich.
Fuck you.
I'm just saying, did you live in Korea?
Because I didn't even have that growing up.
No, we didn't have Uniqlo, but we did have a Zoomies.
Or a Pac-San.
We didn't have Pac-San.
Well, I'll say this.
You think I fit it into everything, and you still think I fit into everything.
But the truth is, I don't have proportions that they make stuff for.
Right.
You got that long style.
You are, yeah.
I have it a little too long.
You're built like a cricket.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That type of desert cricket.
Yeah.
That long, tan cricket.
Like the mad, the evil ones from A Bug's Life.
Oh, those crickets were so fucked up to the bugs.
I don't remember them.
Remember them?
You don't want to remember them.
I like the sound of it.
The evil cricket.
They were mad.
Crazy cricket.
They were bad, bad people.
They were crickets.
I was thinking about crickets the other day, but I don't want to talk about it.
Okay.
All right.
I've learned to respect that when Jack says it, because if you cross that
boundary, it
gets all violent.
Do you think that you have a really dark mind that probably just, you just don't
want to
let that spill out?
Not publicly.
Yeah.
I pay thousands of dollars.
I see a different therapist every single day, and they are helping me through
it.
And I regret a lot of what I've done in the past, but it's not something I like
to bring
up on the podcast.
What's your biggest regret in your entire life?
Maybe throwing away somebody's sandwich because I was mad at them.
That's heavy.
Thank you for sharing that, dude.
That's fucking heavy.
That really is.
Appreciate that.
Do you feel like we bring a vulnerability as a trio that you're not used to?
I think so.
I think podcasts, so much of podcasting is building up these facades, and you
guys kind
of just throw those out the window.
We strip that away.
Like, I usually try to hide how stupid I am and how, like, kind of worthless I
am, how
bad my stories are, and you guys just don't.
We put it right out there.
Well, dude.
All that stuff, you just put that out there.
Well, wait.
Can I say something real quick?
Yeah.
I'm so sorry.
No, no.
You know what's funny when you try to hide something, right?
What?
Is that, let's say that there was a blanket over this entire table.
I can picture it right now.
So, if you were trying to hide that thing with the blanket, what's funny is,
what's funny
is, that's the only thing you would notice, is that something's popping out.
Even if it was a beautiful Pendleton wool, American-made blanket, you could
still see
that thing underneath it.
It doesn't matter how expensive and nice the blanket is, how much money you
spend on the
blanket.
Right.
That will still hold true.
It will hold true.
Well, and that's what I like about us, is like, we lay our wrists bare.
We say, hello world, this is us.
Take it or leave it.
Slice me open.
Slice me open.
Take a look.
Suck on that blood.
What?
Get a taste.
You'll taste that it's pure.
You'll taste that there are imperfections.
Well, you guys did a whole episode about being fired.
And that is, that is very...
I like throw the headphones down.
I don't want to talk about that.
That is very much a, I mean, that's a kind of, you guys are almost
investigating,
investigative reporters about your own lives.
We're investigative reporting grief and deep pain.
Well, the thing is, we're still trying to discover who we are, because that's a
never
ending process, you know?
Right.
Right.
Because of changing.
You're always changing.
Like, trying to discover who you are, it's wonderful.
It's like living in the olden days where we all wish we lived.
No, no, no.
And we would...
I just got excited.
Oh, okay.
Oh, okay.
Never mind.
And we, you know, they were discovering the Wild West.
Harrison Keller or whatever.
Who our was?
Harrison Keller.
Harrison Keller.
Oh, yeah.
Harrison Keller.
You were trying to say Lewis and Clark?
Did you blend Lewis and Clark and Helen Keller?
Yeah.
And Harrison Ford.
You just blend them all.
Oh, they're all boring.
Harrison.
Let me get to this.
Let me get to this.
Okay, wait.
Let's try to make an amazing point.
Let me get to this, because it's really hard.
This is...
When I'm juggling this many plates, it's important that I get to the end of
whatever that means.
Discovering yourself is like being Lewis and Clark and discovering the
Louisiana Purchase.
Okay.
They discovered it?
I don't know.
Did they discover the deed?
All right, and the point is, imagine if you were discovering the Western Front
of America
and America was constantly growing and shifting, and forever there was new
valleys and new
gold to unleash within the water of the Rockies.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Does that make...
That's all I wanted to say.
It does make hell of a sense.
What if you went exploring?
Is that what you are saying?
No, I'm saying what if you went exploring and the land was constantly moving
and shifting?
And you're equating that to constant self-discovery.
Right.
You're saying there's valleys and there's Grand Canyons and there's Silver
Lakes all within
every single one of us.
Yes, there's Silver Lake and Echo Park.
Yeah, Echo Park, Griffith Observatory.
Oh.
Oh, give it up for the Griffith Observatory.
Yeah, give it up.
You guys are talking about my fucking...
Oh, no, that's Chicago.
Yeah, my fucking zombie grounds.
You go up there, you run with those dogs.
Every day.
Wow.
Yeah.
That's beautiful.
Dog.
Well, they got wild dogs in Griffith.
I think they do.
B-A-W-G.
Coyotes.
Oh.
Yeah.
You run with your dog.
My dogs.
And Nate, what's that like?
Chilling up at Griffith Observatory with my dogs?
You know that hiking with Kevin Nealon thing where he walks around the park?
Yeah.
I see Nate in the background of every single one of those, like just trying to
stay in
frame, just barely.
Just barely in frame.
Whenever they stop, you kind of go behind the bush and down the trail.
That's where I saw David Spade talk about how he got attacked and had to fend
for his
own life.
Oh, no.
Did he?
Yes.
Yeah, his assistant became obsessed with him and tried to murder him one night.
No way.
Yeah.
What?
Why would you murder someone you're obsessed with?
Why would you be obsessed with David Spade?
I know.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
Dude, don't slander him.
David Spade is a lovely one.
David Spade, if you're listening, fuck you, David Spade.
Oh, man.
David Spade, if you're listening.
I love the fuck.
Emperor Kuzco?
What?
Oh, yeah.
I've changed my tone completely.
I completely forgot.
I forgot it was Joe Serrett, too.
And his stand-up comedy.
Shout-out to David Spade.
The David of Spades.
Shout-out to Caleb Pitts.
Well, Caleb, for those of you who don't know, Caleb Pitts is a podcaster here
in Brooklyn.
Mushwick.
You're going to say Mushwick.
What's up, dude?
Brooklyn Mushwick.
You flirt with me, dude.
I know.
I love you.
Stop it, man.
What?
Hello?
Let's just hear something.
All right, all right.
Let's keep it cool.
So, you grew up in North Carolina.
Yeah, I did.
In Boonesville?
Wilmington.
Boonesville?
Did you make up the most rural-sounding