Name: 20: Current Events
Uploaded: 2023-06-05T11:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '20: Current Events' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '20: Current Events' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-05. Transcript available.

20: Current Events

some of us think five inches is big and yeah yeah depends on what friend group
you're in but our
friend group thinks five inches is pretty small welcome to joy tactics the
podcast dedicated to
all things joyful joyous and meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible
hosted by eric rahill nate veroni and jack bensinger enjoy okay if you're just
tuning
in audio wise nate's doing shadow bunch punching eric's doing the wim hof
breathing method and i
just ate a bunch of ice cream at 7 30 in the morning so i'm ready to go the
energy is wonderful
the podcast has begun and
we would not have to do all this shit if we just did cocaine on a regular basis
yeah i know coke heads can just that's what they do they're just like they can
turn it on
i know i don't do that that that stuff
so what's today's episode we want to hit people have been asking us like we
like y'all's podcast
you guys seem to talk a lot and just kind of vibe out and whatever they're like
we want to get some
news though because everybody that delivers us news through traditional media
is delivering it so badly
and we have a hunch this is what i'm getting my dms it says we have a hunch
that you guys could
deliver the news in an in an amazing way and so that's so weird eric yeah i've
been getting similar
dms about just regular people complaining about the news and they're just like
what if what if you guys
you know read off some headlines i'd like to see your take on news media nate
that's that's fucking
funny because lately i've been getting dms of all these people from different
basically one person
from each state of the continental u.s saying hey jack what's up i'm reading
the news every day it's
making me want to kill my well kms i don't say what that stands for but it's
dark would you please
take a crack at it you know in a more innocently so to sum it up everybody
wants us to dig into the
news and give us kind of a different fucking take on this shit because we don't
what is a news anchor a
news anchor is so just uh a person that reads basically and they look pretty
well that's what
it is today but it's it needs to be remember why they call it that a news
anchor because they anchor
your boat of truth to the reality of the world essentially boat and let me
remind people because
i don't know if i've dropped this fat before but i went to a liberal arts
university called loyal
university of chicago 2014 alumni and i studied there very uh i studied there
so hard and i studied
journalism and communications and theater minor okay wow you are the total packager
i know dude i mean
that's what i was it was so weird to be torn between two departments where like
the journalism
journalism department wanted me so bad and the theater department wanted me
even more badder
it's it's where they draw on each other it's real life draw some art art draws
from real life like
who were you know the chicken and the egg essentially but to be honest actually
i had a professor in the
communications department that was like a hard-ass former journalist pulled me
aside after one of the
radio we did like a radio news hour every morning for like three hours you
would like report
like do the research in the morning and then go on air and deliver it like an
anchor yeah and i just was
so fucking bad at it i would laugh every single everything single time i was
delivering the news
whatever and i had her pull me aside bitch man you silly goofy son of a bitch
you're lucky you got
into comedy if comedy didn't exist people would be mad at you man you're a
lucky son of a gun no he
would be a viral on yeah i know with the bloopers these days viral oh viral but
my journalism professor
pulled me aside and said you're not built for this dude you are not you will
never really she basically
said like unless you get this shit together you will never be a serious
journalist everybody else
and i left feeling for some reason i didn't even want it that bad but i left
feeling like she's
fucking right i'll never be a journalist well today we're proving her wrong by
the way my guidance
counselor in high school she pulled me aside and said hey you're in a lot of
trouble lately you're not
standing for the national anthem you're talking back to people and i'll put it
bluntly you've gained
weight you've gotten big and you've gotten accepted to zero colleges did she
say that to you yeah did you
gain weight in high school yeah i guess i gained weight senior year and she
told me that but guess
what i did get into college after not going to college for the first year
because i didn't get in
so guess what and then i did drop out but guess what that depends who asked me
if i want you to think i did graduate or not i will lie
so thing is college means nothing right now and these professors think they
have such a hold over us
they thought that they knew exactly what is in the cards for us but guess what
nobody checks that shit on a resume
you don't learn anything in college it's pointless now so if you're going to
college drop out right now
and if your parents have some trouble with it just send them this podcast and
tell them how credible we are
and how we know what we're talking about how successful we are in our lives
and i think that they'll understand one time i had a philosophy professor that
i overheard making fun of me to the ta
why for what because i i came into college thinking i was such hot because i
was on vyvanse and my
mind brain was all addled and i'd stay up all night like writing like i would
go way over the page limit
like write way too much like holy crap messed out and um i thought i was
crushing it and i started getting
all these c minuses and whatever and uh i heard him making fun of me and and
that hurt my feelings badly
and you know i have been doing to all my professors that underestimated me drugging
them i have been
sending them the highlight clips from my four lines and i think you should
leave
wow dude the highlight reel i'm not sending it as myself i'm sending it from
like a
a sort of anonymous uh v for vendetta it's like so clear yeah so clear to you
oh dude and i've been
you think you uh oh you know what i mean and i've been doing the same thing i
send my guidance
counselor clips from tuning out the news showing them how buff my cartoon
character is that i play
so that fucking goes shows her how how big i'm fat i got yo i'm gonna show you
how fat i am
how fat i am how does that okay well that's tiktok for those who are gen z i'm
gonna show you how
great i am macklemore that's macklemore shout out to macklemore basically the
reverse version of
what 2016 was when macklemore came out in whatever 2012 it was not a dumpster
fire but a dumpster
celebration so let's get into the news here a beloved man died by suicide no no
i don't want
to read this let's see what else is in the news here let's see 900 injured in
oh jesus train crash
in india three trains collided these bear bears are being cut open while still
alive to fuel demand
for traditional medicines no no i don't like i don't this is cnn this is not
right cnn too
god damn it people like want to like watch this you know like i and no part of
me has ever wanted to
watch the news ever like it's always like this i hate the news it sucks why are
people even watching
the news why do you want to know what's going on if this is what's going on
just stay in your prison
of ignorance let me let me paint a scenario nate if you lived in a house and
every time you open the
refrigerator door you saw somebody shoot themselves in the fucking head inside
a little tiny person in
there and they go nate and they fucking shoot themselves in the head every time
you open the
refrigerator would you go back and get a little cookie how often would you do
that you know what i mean
that's what the news is that's right yeah and that's what the news is doing is
they're presenting
us two options trauma or starvation which comes with its own trauma so we need
to i suggest we
boycott this shit i'm over i'm over filling my brain with junk and guess what
uh i want to leave a
lead a productive life and this is this is killing my productivity because i
just think about what's
happening to the world all day i'm so we're us three are so empathetic that we
we literally can't
read this shit or hear this shit it's it's poison to us and being and chuck
todd is stepping down
from me the press are you fucking kidding me it's fucking blow after blow it's
blow after blow
are you kidding me why why why i'm serious chuck chuck oh hell no oh hell no
who are they gonna
replace him with oh there's no one like chuck todd nobody like him hell no i
don't want to hear it
alvin and the chipmunks where are they at you know what i wish we could be
reading instead is
something uplifting something that is some good news i would watch some good
news it would be great if
somebody that um you know already had that but weirdly there's never been
something like that ever
created before where somebody was like let's just have some good news and
called that right at the
same time so well let's let's you know do you think we could dig up any good
news
well here we go certainly there has to be there has to be some good news out
there this world is filled
with so much purity and so much amazingness that there must be something ready
hey welcome to good
welcome to some good news everybody first story of the day you're breathing oh
first story of the
day you're present first story of the day i love you wow that's three stories i
guess here's some more
good news unless you are leading a horrible life you're not trapped down in a
mine in 1906 whatever
right as a bait as a child the breaker oh wait a minute well is that is that an
angle maybe to go
into the news is like in good news today you are not the person the beloved man
who died by suicide
and you are not oh yeah that's it and you're not going to find out what his
widow wants others to
understand and you're not going to hear about what happens in ukraine you're
you're not going to find
out about a uh train crash that happened in uh india today that no this is a
work a lot of people
no this is a loophole that's a lazy way here i just found a way i just found a
miracle website that
must have been designed by god or some angels it's called the good news network.org
holy crap and
literally it and the headline is not an advertisement this is crazy all these
companies are so greedy
they're filling these pages with ads trying to suck money from your interest in
death and pain
this website instead of a news uh instead of an ad whatever it's a quote by
voltaire the goat it's and
it says judge a man by his questions rather than his answers what the hell
voltaire is the fucking
goat oh i've always said the goat is lebron it's voltaire nope it's voltaire
the man who invented
thinking i always thought voltaire sounded like a tekken character like a soul
caliber type character but
he was just a regular man that had a bigger brain than the rest of us but you
guys want to hear some
of these things from good news uh network.org i need it okay well here's one
okay this one i don't know
this one seems a little scary oh astronomers discover hundreds of mysterious
filaments pointing
towards our milky ways black massive black hole is that hair
i don't fucking know what that means what is a filament oh i see one look at
this you see a filament
no no no this is another headline first recorded stand-up comedy sketch from
500 years ago no discovered
in 15th century manuscripts i'm laughing at what it could be yeah can we hear
it is it about fruit
the ancient i think you should leave sketch they were probably going crazy back
then i think wait how
many years ago 500 oh my god we were just getting fingers and toes at that
point in terms of uh how
long we've been around no 500 years ago somebody was already swimming well on
their way swimming over
to america um so that was probably about something relatable does it say what
the sketch i