Name: 21: Alcohol Is Ruining The World
Uploaded: 2023-06-12T11:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '21: Alcohol Is Ruining The World' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '21: Alcohol Is Ruining The World' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-12. Transcript available.

21: Alcohol Is Ruining The World

See ya!
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous, and
meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger. Enjoy!
I don't think we can go very far in this episode without you just owning up to
what's going on with you right now.
And I think, I don't know, this probably won't come as a shock to anyone, but
you're in a different type of state right now, a different mental state.
I'm definitely in a mentally altered state that was exacerbated by a drug that
has been around for thousands of years and been humankind's best friend,
alcohol.
And they say not to drink too much, but last night I did.
I'm in Chi-Town, Chicago, Illinois, one of the best drinking cities, Frank Sinatra-style
drinking cities in the whole world.
And I fucking did it to myself last night. I have no one else to blame. It's on
me, guys.
I'm on Ova. I'm a bit on Ova.
And listen, we're all going to be suffering the consequences.
The listeners, our flow of conversation, and God knows what the ripple effects
could be.
Butterfly effects style-wise, this could fuck us in a way that we didn't sign
up for, man.
So for you to go out and have, who knows what you had, a Sazerac, a Negroni.
At that point, a beer, a martini, gin martini with a twist.
Should we go through what I had? I mean, do you think we should go through what
I had?
I think you have to, man. I think you have to be honest about this.
Well, I'm staying with my good friend, Jack Felker.
Bad influence.
And we have a pattern of having some big nights out where we kind of do bar
crawls, you know what I'm saying?
So here's how the night started. I ended my day of working. I came to her house.
We had a Spindrift Seltzer. Spindrift Seltzer. Have you all had these before
with alcohol in it?
What?
Yeah, they have Spindrift Seltzer with liquor in them. And guess what? It's
fucking good.
Oh, really?
It looks healthy for you. It tastes like it's almost healthy for you. We know
the truth. We know it's poisoning us from within.
But it fucking tasted good. I had the tangerine flavor. Okay. That's at about 6
p.m. All right?
Then, what do we do? We go to a restaurant called Lonesome Rose here in Logan
Square, Chicago.
Chicago represent. Stand up right now, Chicago.
And what did I have there? I had a Mezcal Margarita to start. Okay?
Then, I had... Okay, that's hour two.
Then, I drank that slowly. Then, I had what they call a ranch water, which is
just a tequila soda.
But this one, it's on tap. It was a highball. Okay?
So, the tequila's all infused with the Seltzer. It's a different taste. I can't
explain it. Your taste buds will know the difference.
All right, so that's drink three, right?
Then, we went to a bar called Best Intentions.
I had a... They called it Tequila Gimlet. I never heard of this.
This is just lime juice and fucking tequila and a little sugar. Okay?
That's drink four. Is this interesting?
Man, just let them know when you hit the crack pipe, dude.
That's the fucking best part of the story, dude.
No, I'm literally... Every drink, when you say the next drink, I'm like...
Like, oh my God.
Like, it sends chills down my spine. Keep going, keep going.
Okay, then we went to a place called Parsons.
Oh my God.
Which, if you're from Chicago, you know that's the most realest restaurant on
the planet.
It's so sick to eat there and do a drink there and spend your time there.
Johnny Parsons.
Johnny... No, it's just Parsons, dude.
There's five of them now, guys. You know this?
This is maybe inside baseball for Chicago listeners, but there's five fucking
Parsons.
What the hell?
Why do they need to franchise everything?
If you have a small business that takes off, like, don't...
I feel like these small businesses, the success is going to their heads.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah, I know. Just chill out.
Imagine if the first Wendy's ever never expanded and it was just that one
single place in Columbus, Ohio,
where I'm from, where the first Wendy's is.
And it never became a crazy fast food restaurant.
That would be a staple of the city.
That would bring in people from all over the globe to check out the Frosty.
You know, it would be so special.
And that's a success story, but let me put it to you this way.
Would you rather have basically a chain called Quisnos that is the most
successful thing on the planet
and you keep it local, or would you rather step into the arena
and find out that you can't quite fucking hang?
So that's a dangerous story.
You come and you try making a lobster bisque toasted sandwich on a fucking croissant
and you get boxed out.
Now their only location is on the fucking Jersey Turnpike.
Quiznos, Quiznos, Quiznos, Quiznos, Quiznos is more like...
Eric, can I ask you this?
Was there at any point last night where you were getting all liquored up,
fucked up out of your mind,
where you thought, hmm, maybe I shouldn't be doing this.
Maybe I should be taking it easy because tomorrow I have some responsibilities
in my life.
Well, that's a good question.
You know, here's the thing.
I had, over the course of about eight hours, maybe ten drinks, nine drinks,
okay?
That's, and that's, so I was feeling it.
I wasn't like tripping over myself.
By the end of the night, I was like, I'm feeling kind of drunk and I don't
fucking like this.
And get me out of here now, fucking rescue.
I would pay a million dollars to not be drunk and to get my life back right now
because I'm making mistakes.
Like you can't imagine.
But when I hit that, I'm not, you know, some people, they hit that drunk and
then they keep drinking, you know what I mean?
They keep fucking pounding the shots, whatever.
I would say that's not me, but I am drinking too much.
You know what I'm saying?
Right.
So, you know, you can, whatever.
But clearly I don't have a problem, whatever.
The other thing too, I'm walking around Chicago with the most busted haircut
and sideburns and shave of all time.
I feel like a child.
I feel like, you guys remember that episode of The Simpsons where Michael
Jackson plays that escaped mental hospital patient that has an amazing voice?
No.
I don't want to give the Capybara fucking militia more ammunition, but I feel
like.
They're already working.
They already came up with that one.
Yeah.
You are toast, dude.
This fucking, this episode do not look.
I can't even give any weight to this because I know people are, you know.
Just keep going, Eric, because what I'm about to say will stir, stir some.
Wait, stir something up.
Say it, say it, say it.
Uh-oh.
No, I was going to say, like, don't look in the comments, Eric.
So this is going to, then, you know, then people are going to come out and say,
oh, shit, I'm going to get in the comments, you know.
Unless, Eric, you can kind of play a mastermind move right now and kind of at
some point throughout the rest of the podcast, come up with something else for
the comments that's going to just trump anybody remembering to do that.
Oh, yeah.
But people will comment while listening and then get to the point.
So you do kind of got to do it right now.
Oh, fuck.
Ask them to comment something specific.
Because right now, the only comments, if this podcast were to end right now,
the comments would be just roasting your ass to high hell.
They would be telling you that you look like things that you never thought that
was possible and would just destroy your sense of self, your ego, your personal
image would just be completely shattered in a way that it's never been before.
Well, this is a tease, y'all, because they don't know what you look like, Eric.
You have a hat on, you have headphones on, so they don't even know what you're
talking about.
But even this fully clean-shaven face, I mean, maybe it's not shocking to you
guys, but it is shocking to me.
Yeah, it doesn't look like you kind of look like you have a little shadow right
now.
You're far away from the camera.
It looks pretty normal, to be honest with you.
Really?
Yeah.
Yeah, it really does.
I got to tell you, I mean, I'm doing a movie right now, and it's filming for
basically a month, and I have to keep this same style for the whole time.
And they have me in some clothing that I wear that I was, like, standing around
set, like, waiting to go, you know, while they were doing my scene, whatever.
Go do acting.
And people were coming up, like, it looks, and we're in the middle of Illinois,
wherever, filming in, like, Office Park, with all these extended stay hotels
around there.
And I just saw people looking at me, like, this poor fucking bastard stuck in
this little town, you know what I mean?
Like, I just, the fit makes me look real, like a real person that is going
through a bad fucking time, you know what I mean?
Yeah.
If you don't live in the cities, the big cities, we're praying for you to get
out.
It's not even that.
It's more of just.
Oh, it is.
It's my fit, dude, because people are happy as hell out there, but standing
outside of the day's end looking like that, you know what I mean?
It looks like you're.
I was just going to say, you're so affected by your character, you know?
I get, well, we've talked about my passion for acting immensely on this podcast,
but I go fucking into it, and I'm flipping tables, whatever, if I need to.
Whatever character I'm doing, I'm fucking flipping a table over.
Yeah.
Even if it's a fucking priest.
Totally.
It's kind of like a baptism of the skin that you're wearing on a project.
One time I played Zero from Holes in a play, and I remember my parents had.
This is my favorite fact about you.
Yeah, I went to a special needs school for one year in seventh grade.
And they did the Holes play?
Anybody else doing fucking Holes?
Holes play?
We did a production of Holes, an adaptation in a carpeted room for, I don't
think we even did it for anybody.
Yeah.
And I played Zero.
And I played Zero and...
Which one was Zero?
Zero was the quiet one that didn't talk until the end.
Yeah, I don't know.
Was he the one that was playing?
So you didn't have any lines?
Well, what did Leonardo DiCaprio get the Oscar for?
The quiet movie.
Oh, for The Revenant.
Yep.
Sometimes the best thing you'll ever say is the least words you've ever said.
Man.
Holes was amazing.
Yeah, Holes was fucking next level.
Shout out to Mr. LaBeouf.
That book I read twice.
I read that for school, and then I read it again.
And I'm a person who never reads anything twice, or I don't like watching
things twice either.
I like watching it one time, and then just having that experience be my first
amazing, shocking experience for it, and then just putting it away.
You don't even like to look at a person twice.
You don't even like to re-meet someone.
Yeah, right.
This is painful doing this every week to see you guys, because I have to see
you more than once.
But Holes, just something about it just did it for me.
So let's break down the plot.
I mean, let's do a quick book report on this thing.
All right.
So Shia LaBeouf is caught stealing gum or something.
I can't remember.
And he's got to go to prison, basically.
Well, and basically, no, we're forgetting this.
His dad is an inventor.
Oh, really?
Who makes shoes or something.
Shoe inventions.
I feel like I remember that.
Is he the Unabomber?
Rest in peace, man.
Oh, yeah.
Ted Kaczynski, dead.
Dead in his prison cell.
Dead in the fucking dirt.
I wonder if he's in the dirt yet, you know?
I wonder if you get a choice when you're a serial killer.
He's not a serial killer, but a crazy bomber.
Yeah, they probably dip him in fucking acid.
Can you still die from firing squad?
If I have to get executed, I'm getting...
Well, yeah.
Please shoot me.
Please fucking just shoot me.
I want to get my fucking teeth ripped out one at a time and put back into my
fucking skull.
I'm like...
Okay, okay, okay.
What's the plot of holes?
I'm afraid to go there.
Interesting.
Too dark.
Too real.
I just remember the end kind of connects.
There's like a past thing where some people is...
You know what I'm