Name: Murder Is Weird | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.22
Uploaded: 2023-06-19T11:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Murder Is Weird | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.22' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Murder Is Weird | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.22' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-06-19. Transcript available.

Murder Is Weird | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.22

forget true crime i want to talk about true love you know i mean true true
birth stories we should
start a birth stories podcast natural birth medical birth all the type of epidurals
if we
did two months on birth podcasting as three kind of amazing straight males we
would get more
listeners and we would blow the fuck up guys if we did a birth oh dude welcome
to joy tactics
the podcast dedicated to all things joyful joyous and meeting as many
celebrities as humanly possible
hosted by eric rayhill nate veroni and jack bensinger enjoy all right well we're
back again
um oh my god on a beautiful saturday afternoon um podcasting once again and
what is the topic of
today's podcast guys it's of a if it's of a crime most foul okay this is about
a crime that is most
foul a sin a mortal sin something you'd never want to happen to you or a loved
one murder
murder i think this is going to be a podcast that will be played in a court of
law one day when one
of us comes out as like some crazy murderer yeah they're going to go back and
listen to our kind
of thoughts on just the topic of murder and so i just want to say just right
just right now that i'm
against it never would do it ever i've been framed some a lot of people are
against me in the government
and in my personal life and i would never commit any sort of crime like that in
my fucking life because
i i think i value life more than maybe most people on this fucking planet i'm
against murder except for
if you're trying to preserve a timeline where everything works out so if you
had to go back
in time and murder someone that didn't even deserve it but they had to fucking
die to save the rest of
everybody i would be the operator to go do that for for the organization okay
and if i had to end
myself to save everybody i would do that in a heartbeat but that's not murder
that is uh the that's martyr
yeah that's martyrdom and my stance on murder listen a lot of people come up to
me and they say
jack it looks like your mustache is blonde why is that why is your mustache
blonde i say you want to
know how i got these blondes i had to kill a lot of people to get these you do
look like kind of like
a gulf war kind of like poisoned by the gas and kuwait and you're like glasses
look a little bit
darker shade and the mustache looks like it's going into a goatee and you got
some miller you look like
you want a wall i don't even know what that stands for what that means but you
look like you did that
yeah you definitely did go a wall i did go a wall when i had to go to special
needs camp that one
summer have i told that on here i think so all right you told it to me but not
maybe let's move on
all right you know what if you haven't heard it then then hitchhack up they'll
send you a long-ass
voice message yeah so what the hell murder happened early on who what was the
first murder i guess
cain murdered abel or when it was one of the other ways around remember the
brothers well all the way
back in biblical times god fucking murdered it when he made this fucking planet
oh this shit he murdered
that he did murder that this place is amazing but in a good way but but back to
cain and abel what
the hell was that about okay he wanted one of them wanted some fruit or maybe
it was a farm no no no
it was a farmer listen to me this is the story of cain and abel two brothers
who were born in a
similar region or they were related they were brothers and they
they're one of the first like six people
i don't know i don't know about that much i wasn't there so one of them
basically is
fucking like lazy as fuck sitting around smoking the bong all day eating rich
bits eating cheese whiz
and they're fucking tick tock famous and they're going on ellen and they're
back again with the
white vans whatnot right then you've got the other one i'm not sure which one
either cain or abel
and this other one is out here in the gym every day fucking looks like shit
even though they're
pressing 650 bench 1000 reps tricep extensions 600 whatever 600 six miles a day
they're studying every book in the world and then when they go to apply for a
job at the fucking peanut gallery
they kick them in the nuts and tell them to go eat shit and they're thinking
how come my fucking brother
is fucking tick tock famous and they don't do anything and i'm fucking busting
my fucking ass
and i can't get a grasshopper to kiss me on my fucking mouth because i'm so
ugly
and so what does he do instead of grappling with his ego and um
and paying attention to god and what god wants him to do
he takes a big fucking rock and drops it like it's hot right on his brother's
dome on the coconut
cracks that shit open and then crack that open is that close is that pretty
close that is it definitely was born out of jealousy and it definitely was a
rock
they're telling me this when i'm five years old i'm learning about you can bash
someone with a rock and end them
and they're doing that in bible school okay but that's how poisonous jealousy
is is it can cause murder
i almost cracked my own i almost can't enabled myself when i was a kid
because i was trying to i was trying to break a big ass rock about the size of
a
toaster and so i got a hammer and on the backswing the fucking fork end of the
hammer cracked my head open in the back
oh my fucking oh no that is a mafia killing all sewed shut
i'm so afraid to have kids like when i was a kid
these these children want to end their lives i think they want to return to the
ether
from when they came once they came they have an inkling that it's better
before and after life on earth
but i um i used to put rocks in a vice and just crack them shit
a vice until it exploded you know a vice you're like you've ever seen a vice
you know devices no no eyes you like it's like a little metal thing that has
two
like sides that come in and you can you put pressure on it and you get it
tighter and tighter until it
like squeezes something like for putting pieces of wood together yeah it's
usually to hold some wood or
something but i oh baby eric yeah i was fucking i hated rocks
no i think i saw i went to like one of those country rural stores that had geodes
and i was
like oh shit all rocks have this inside and so i would like go find rocks in
the backyard and just
put that shit in there and explode them but it i was one rock shrapnel away
from being all blind my
whole life i swear to god my parents would come in and i'm trying to crush the
rock explode it and
they're like stop stop stop i crush it anyways explode it into a million pieces
never found a
let live listen this is i feel um this is what i feel blessed about my parents
for is they did not
seemingly give a single fuck about whether we lived or died in the best way
there was they were hardly
ever home they didn't ever tell us no shit no nothing everyone's making dinner
for themselves every
night you fucking go out at fucking get home at four in the morning as a 12
year old who cares
and they kind of let me live or die and they let me make my own mistakes and
when the dc sniper came
around everybody else's parents were freaking out my parents were like yeah go
do whatever you want
you want to go outside you want to go skateboard whatever and i feel like that
gave me a a calmness
and a sense of if god wants to take me so he will yeah he will and that's the
reaper the reaper and
that's why i have zero anxiety that's a good thing that is a that not well i i
listened to this episode
of super soul oprah's podcast which i'm listening to all shout out to oprah winfrey
brene brown shout
out to oprah winfrey um can you imagine if we had oprah on the show that would
be she probably loves the
fuck out of us i swear to god i swear to god she's coming well she's coming up
we would have like
nothing of value to her to like she would throw dirt in our face if she could i
swear if yeah from
the fucking chariot we're is there one thing you think you could do better than
oprah maybe like
make a smoothie or something probably not oh my god i could probably smoke her
ass in a race
smoke her out dude i could smoke her out no but on the episode she was saying
there was like a
some like parenting expert on there and their their mission was to
uh let let parents kind of like ease off of their kids like they're they have
this program where they're
like just let your kid like go out into the woods in your neighborhood alone
with other kids and it
sounds dangerous but they're like it is how they they learn to like share and
this is how they learn
to grow is by making mistakes with other kids without parent parental
supervision and they were like you
know kids are afraid that their kids are gonna like get kidnapped or whatever
that's like their their
main fear but um he was like they're the the the stat like you're more likely
to like get eaten by
like a shark or something like that than to get not that that doesn't happen
nobody's really kid you're
gonna get kidnapped by your uncle or by your loser dad who can't pay yeah
whatever um or child support
i mean um but not there's no strangers in vans anymore so children if you're
listening don't be afraid
of anybody it's all good you're safe i'll get in the van get in the fucking van
for the love of god
getting them i i used to get in vans oh go ahead oh oh i'm taking this in a
slightly different
direction but i hopped in a van a couple nights ago in an uber and guess what
the uber driver was
fucking blasting jordan peterson at a volume and he's talking about children
and their nature and
how they need to be disciplined and he was nodding along he was nodding along
and i was like dabbing
him up like yep that's a brother me and you jordan peterson sucks so much that
he made like i hate
generalizations but he makes me hate all canadians just because yeah you know
what i'm saying like he's
like uh listen i was in the uber with another guy with daniel and we're talking
and daniel's kind of
going off on jordan peterson and i'm kind of going off but then i felt bad here's
where my pupil pleasing
came in i felt bad for this young maybe 23 year old guy that's maybe listening
trying to expand his
mind for the first time and just stumbled upon jordan peterson and i was like
yeah you know he he is
does seem smart like he does seem like he has good at you know i was like just
saying this to daniel
but trying to have the other guy over here that maybe he should be a little
more critical about his uh
what ideologies he's soaking in but i was trying to like also not make him feel
like an idiot so is
that my my people pleasing too hard guys do i need to stop people pleasing now
no it's not even people
pleasing man that's you know just teasing i don't know my brain molecules aren't
firing at 100 today
but it sounds like you are inviting somebody to engage with you yeah and if
they're brave enough
they could step into the rang but not everybody's ready for that rodeo because
you buck man you're the
mental buck buck buck intensely man the mental rodeo i go crazy on it's a hard
it's a fine line between
because i'm a i'm a people pleaser as well and i like i think it is one of my
worst qualities and
something i want to to like not be so badly but i can't help but please
everybody everybody around me
i want everyone to like me so badly i want the hotel receptionist to like me so
into gotta charm
them when i come in gotta say something nice hey hello late night huh yo i want
to just lose
it on somebody and not give a fuck but i want to go fucking larry david style
that's why i love
curb your enthusiasm and seinfeld so much and i'm like damn i wish i could be
like that man i wish i
could be like larry david and fucking just being so rude everyone hates me
because he's the opposite
of a people pleaser right he's a people displeaser he's a displeasing person
for that right people love
him here's the thing i need to do something where it's like oh eric was
actually being really nice
today what the hell is awesome you know what i mean gi