Name: Control ft. Rachel Kaly | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.27
Uploaded: 2023-07-24T08:15:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Control ft. Rachel Kaly | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.27' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Control ft. Rachel Kaly | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.27' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-07-24. Transcript available.

Control ft. Rachel Kaly | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.27

Ah yeah, ah yeah, ah yeah, ah yeah.
This is that alt-comedy bullshit that I just don't get down for.
Cut the...
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous,
and meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger.
Enjoy.
Joy Tactics, what's up everybody? It's Jack Bensinger.
It's Eric Rahill.
And it's Nate Veroni here, as usual.
But we also have...
You're probably noticing that there's somebody else in the frame right now.
And yeah, you've doubted us.
You said we will never have another guest.
And yet, again, we're proving you wrong.
You know them from Vice Live.
You know them from where they've got $100 to do stand-up comedy special.
We had to beg the production to pay her, but they didn't want to.
But how much did you get?
$20.
No.
From Vice Live.
Oh, from Vice?
From Vice Live for doing a televised stand-up comedy.
I think $500.
$500?
But it was not worth it, because all the comments tell me to kill myself.
Oh, God.
And look what's happened to Vice now.
Vice is finally...
They're bankrupt, y'all.
They're done.
It's over.
My life dream has been crushed to be a Vice correspondent in Las Vegas.
It's not over.
Yeah, on the beat.
You are going to do a deep dive into Narcan this week.
On Vice 2, their Crayhill network.
There we go.
Rachel Ben-Khalifa, a.k.a. Rachel Kali, the Moroccan goat, the short goat.
How tall are you?
Five feet and a quarter inch.
That is a superpower.
Thank you.
The first person that Ray and Eric ever did comedy with in New York City.
Yeah, the first night we moved to New York.
On September 11th.
The first night?
Well, one of the first nights.
Wow.
The first week we were there, you had a show about September 11th, and you
kindly had us
on.
You're joking.
I don't remember this.
It was at the Vital Joint.
The Vital Joint.
Oh, I do remember this.
Okay.
Well, you guys had me on a show in Chicago.
There were seven people in the audience.
But they all had billions of dollars.
That's right.
Seven very powerful people.
Let's just say some people look like the Monopoly man in real life, not just
the Monopoly man.
That's right.
Not just him.
So, what do you want to ask us about?
Well, what do you guys think would make me feel happy the way you guys feel?
Because that's what the whole podcast is, right?
Joy test.
Well, yeah.
All right.
We need to bring in our joy.
I need joy.
And we need to give some of that to Rachel.
Please.
Well, we can diagnose your life, and we can figure out strategies bespoke to
you that
will make you happy as hell immediately.
I would love that.
By the way, I know this is something only ... You think that only psychiatrists
can do
this, but we are licensed to prescribe medication.
Yeah.
We're life psychiatrists.
Yeah.
And our medication is in ounces.
Sorry.
No, it's in grams, too, if you're ...
Aw, yeah.
Aw, yeah.
Aw, yeah.
Aw, yeah.
Aw, yeah.
Say it with us if you're listening.
Aw, yeah.
So, Rachel, what we do is when we have guests on, we give them joy.
We study them intimately before they come on to figure out exactly what the
topic should
be that we should go dive into that we think would be tailored to giving you
joy afterwards
in a sense.
So, the topic which we'd like to dive into today with you is called control.
Yes.
C-O-N-T-U-R-O-L-E?
Dang, I almost forgot the E, for real.
Wait, is there an E in it?
No.
Are you serious?
Wait, wait, wait.
I'm not kidding.
You put an E in it?
You put a two and an E.
Control.
Ends with a L.
Oh, you were being serious?
I get it.
Control.
Maybe in the French sense of the word.
Controle.
Controle.
Controle.
Controle.
Controle.
What is your favorite thing to control in life, Rachel?
My life.
My whole life.
I want everything.
You have only one aspect you can control.
Pick it now or you lose all control of everything forever.
I would genuinely like to control my height a little bit more.
You mean go up and down as you wish?
Yeah.
To what level?
I'd like to be higher.
And is that because of the WNBA?
Yep.
That's exactly why.
Plus, I live alone now and I can't reach a damn thing.
What are you going to do about that?
I don't know.
I have stools everywhere.
Can we please get a GoFundMe to crack Rachel's tibia?
Get that leg extension surgery, please?
How much is that?
It's easy to get a fund together.
Well, you go to Turkey, it's almost nothing.
A lot of people are doing this on their legs.
I need the flight there.
Oh, no.
We'll hook it up even more than that.
We're getting you the full surgery.
First class.
But I think.
Well, zero class.
We're going to put you in the pilot seat.
We're going to put you strapped in the top.
Yes.
A lot of people are doing this on the legs, on the femurs, the tibias, whatever.
I think we should do it from the neck.
I was going to say that.
Eric is a crazy son of a gun.
Well, hold on a second.
I just found a flaw design-wise.
Why?
Because if you put it from the neck, the arms are going to be just as short.
No, you got to do it everywhere.
Can't you do it just everywhere?
A little bit everywhere?
Of course you can.
You could.
The body has over 512 bones in it.
Why is it?
Why are it?
These can't all be in use.
Why can't you take, slice the bone that's right here?
We're not even using that shit.
Put that just right in the spinal column.
Get another inch there.
Well, when you're a kid, you have way more bones than you're supposed to.
So you should be able to just rearrange them the way you want.
Right.
We have the tools to make our bodies the way that we want them to.
But you need to start young.
You need to have parents that are aware and give a damn.
Yeah, exactly.
Otherwise, you're left at whatever, 28.
Are you 28, Rachel?
Yep.
Aw, yeah.
Aw, yeah.
With no hope.
So, I mean, we'll get you there, though.
So, you, out of all things in life, you wish you could control your height.
I just think that it would, like, permeate all aspects.
Like, people would take me more seriously when I'm working.
Maybe I'd be able to date a supermodel.
You know what I mean?
You have supermodels in the pipeline that I know about.
Yep.
A couple porn stars.
Can't lie about that.
Aw, yeah.
For real, for real.
Yep.
Aw, yeah.
Aw, yeah.
Then we won't even remember doing it and we'll cringe at it.
You guys are looking at the camera?
Doesn't matter.
I'm looking at the woods.
When I address the audience, I'm looking right in the camera.
When I'm looking at you guys, my eyes are up towards the ceiling.
I'm looking three centimeters above the lens.
I've been looking up the whole time.
Yeah, Nate, you have a problem controlling others.
I would like to control others badly.
To what extent?
I want interns so badly.
I want interns...
To treat them badly?
You want to treat them poorly?
I do, yes.
I want them to...
But I'm going to be promising them a lot of opportunity after they're done
interning with me.
Oh, Nate's got room in the van.
I have so many opportunities for interns out there.
What type?
What type of intern?
What type of opportunities will you give them?
Money, success, power, fame, a network of like-minded individuals.
Taste.
It's really endless.
But you just have to put in those four to ten years of just brutal, non-paid
work.
Yeah, yeah.
I would do that.
Rachel, did you ever have an internship?
Of course.
What was your internship?
I worked at a debate website.
A liberal debate website?
Is that like Omegle?
Wait, what?
Was it a liberal debate website or was it both sides?
Well, we had both sides, of course, and my job was to research both sides.
Both.
Hilarious.
I would say in high school, I tended to go for the conservative angle and then
I would
prove myself wrong once I did research.
You would steal, man, the argument like the goat Lex Friedman, the most
inspiring podcast.
Do you know who that is?
Yeah, didn't he interview Kanye or Elon?
He's the young man.
He interviewed Kanye West.
And he's a neurologist or what's his deal?
He's an engineer, descendant of Holocaust survivors, Brazilian jiu-jitsu black
belt.
Really?
It sounds like you.
Legit.
You know what's so funny?
How come every fucking Russian person on the planet, you meet them and you find
out you
do the exact same thing?
The jiu-jitsu of it all is crazy.
It's weird.
Why do you guys all do jiu-jitsu?
Bored.
Totally.
I need to start doing that shit.
I think it's because we need it because we have no natural abilities.
Oh, you know what grossed me out?
I was watching Mark Zuckerberg training for his fight maybe with Elon Musk.
Yeah.
And tell me if this is true, Jack.
Okay.
There's something about fighting on those mats where people's feet, when they're
fighting,
get all yellow on the bottom.
What?
Makes me sick.
Well, they come in yellow.
Look at the video.
The foot's all yellow.
You can see it like from the bottom.
I'm going up.
It makes me sick.
No, there's nothing gross about it.
It's one of the least gross things in the world to have a cop on the top of you
sweating
in your mouth.
I have amazing feet, by the way.
You have a regular foot.
You have a tattoo of a bag.
My foot's all gangrene like in Mr. Deeds.
What are all those lumps?
What is that lump right there?
I don't know.
Is that bad?
That is something that you need to do.
Whoa, Nate.
That's a muscle.
It's full of liquid and look at that.
We could take a needle to that right now and take it out.
Who's that green dude?
The Hulk?
No, the other one from Doug.
Oh.
Oh, oh.
Skeeter?
Yeah, but I thought he's blue.
Nate, your foot looks like Skeeter's head.
Dude, shut up.
Shut up?
What?
Yo.
All right.
So, what's funny about the height thing is, Rachel, though, because you think
you want
to be taller, right?
Because people take you more seriously and this and that.
Right.
But the problem is it comes with a lot of responsibility because you have to
have the answers.
Because people are looking to you.
Somebody falls on the ground at the park.
Somebody, whatever.
You got to save them.
Everybody assumes you are just fucking stupid.
Well, let's give a real life example.
Last night, we were at a club on Market's Vineyard called Flava's.
And before that, we ate at maybe one of the most busted restaurants of all time
that made
two of us throw up.
Two people threw up.
Shout them out.
We're not going to say the name.
We'll just say Shark is in the name and that's the whole name.
Layla threw up out the side of the car, opened the door to vomit.
And Jack, you went to the bathroom to throw up.
Can I say something?
I threw up in the club.
Not only did they throw up, they made themselves throw up.
That's how bad they chose to throw up instead of just sitting with the food
inside of them.
I like throwing up.
Well, here's the thing.
Can we describe Sharky's Cantina for a little bit and say what we got?
Of course.
I've never had a meal like that in my life where the whole time I was like,
this isn't
good, but what did you say?
It's not bad enough to be upset.
Well, I said it was the perfect amount of horrible because it's like, it's bad
enough where it's
like fun to like, isn't this so funny how fucking bad this is?
But if it was a little bit better, we would have been all pissed because then
it would
have been like so bad.
We're like, damn, I just ate a fucking bad meal.
It was so bad that it was funny.
It was almost like The Room, like, you know, that movie, The Room of Meals.
So basically we ordered the Trifecta triple dip chip dip and the chips came out
basically
more salted than anything I've ever seen in my life.
They basically chipped the salt.
2,000% of your daily limit of sodium per person.
What was the dip?
And they were wet chips, by the way.
Wet chips.
Thin as can be.
Wet thin and salty.
Yeah, well, Nate was going off about all the dips in a way where I was like, I
wanted the
people who weren't there to hear it.
But I also didn't want them to hear it in case it made them feel bad.
But you were yelling a bit.
Well, it pissed me off because there was, they said there was queso in this
mixture.
It was guacamole.
The worst guac