Name: Emergency Broadcast | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.29
Uploaded: 2023-08-07T10:45:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Emergency Broadcast | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.29' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Emergency Broadcast | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.29' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-08-07. Transcript available.

Emergency Broadcast | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP.29

All right, y'all, that's been the emergency episode.
We hope to God everybody's still alive.
If this has been a nuclear attack or some type of poisonous gas,
or the UFOs have entered the orbit and they're taking us out,
we hope to God you and your family at least has a moment to say goodbye.
Welcome to Joy Tactics,
the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous,
and meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Barone, and Jack Bensinger.
Enjoy.
What are you doing, Jack?
You can't hear that?
It's not coming through.
Is it a ring?
It's a siren. I'm playing a siren.
Oh.
Attention, Joy Tacticians.
Attention, Joy Tacticians and everybody, whoever's listening.
This episode is being released because we fucked up for some reason
and did not have an episode.
This is being recorded on June 12, 2023 from everybody's different Zooms.
And this is whatever.
Something tells me that this is going to be released in 2038
and we are never going to miss a week, never going to miss an episode.
No, we're doing this.
We're recording this right now because shit happens.
You know what I'm saying?
And life happens.
And I'll tell you what's not going to happen.
Us missing out on one fucking week of giving you guys the podcast that you guys
fucking deserve.
You're desperate for it.
Because we know that this is what's keeping people going.
This is keeping people fucking around.
Every Monday, this coming out, people would be just, there's so many people
that would just not exist right now
if this didn't come out two times a week to the patrons.
Yeah.
You know what this is?
We are entertainment preppers.
We are, we have a bunker and in the bunker we don't have beans.
We got jokes.
We don't have tomato can sauces.
We have entertainment.
We have this.
Banter.
We have crazy banter all canned up and preserved.
And it's really the injection of energy and joy that you needed too.
It's not something silly.
It's something that's going to keep you sustaining, keep you going.
Oh, guess what I'm going to do tonight.
All right.
What's that, man?
This may be way in the future.
Right now, Eric Rahill, his head is shaved, his beard is trimmed, whatever.
And he's in a hotel room and he's been alone for a while and he needs to do
something good for himself tonight.
So what's he going to do?
He's going to watch Gladiator for the first time.
He's never seen Gladiator before.
Oh, he really is?
I've never seen it and I'm going to watch it tonight on my fucking TV.
And I'm going to order an enchilada, enchilada plate, okay?
And I'm going to eat that.
And here's the thing.
Oh.
I think I'm going to eat it in bed because there's no table.
I feel like if I ask ChatGPT right now and ask them, what should Eric Rahill,
what do you think Eric Rahill is going to do tonight?
I think it would come out with that exact response of watch Gladiator for the
first time.
You might have enchiladas.
Hey, man.
What are you doing tonight?
I'm getting gladiated with the enchiladas up in the bed.
No shirt.
Just fucking licking the sauce out of my belly button, using it like a little ramekin.
The skin ramekin.
It tastes more salty that way.
Ew.
We got to start doing belly shots with more than liquor.
Beer, wine, and liquor.
They just made me feel good quicker.
Nate, do you want us to do a live performance for you of summer 2021, man?
Oh, that would be incredible.
Start it off, Jack.
How's the instrumental go?
Well, if people don't know by now, this is an anthem you guys created.
This was your first foray to the music industry.
Yeah.
That's correct.
We made a music video that has racked up thousands, thousands, two thousands of
views on YouTube.
Beer, wine, and liquor.
Well, that's Eric's awesome line.
How does it go?
It's summer.
Well, it's summer 2021.
It's summer 2021.
It's summer 2021.
And we're on the front.
So that's two summers ago.
Summer 2022 didn't come out.
Summer 2021 is a mindset.
A 21 is a setback for a 23.
Whatever the fuck.
I don't give a fuck.
We have to make summer 2023 with Nate fucking in Martha's Vineyard.
Featuring Nate.
Nate, you have the fucking verse.
You know what I'm saying?
Can I say that?
I need that straw that hooks up to the keyboard.
You know what I'm saying?
The Eric Clapton one or whatever his name is.
Peter Frampton.
The Stevie Wonder.
What's his name?
Can I say every time I've told someone recently that I'm going to Martha's Vineyard,
maybe you
get this same feeling, Jack.
They're like, oh, really?
Cool.
I think people think it's a rich person's paradise.
Well, it is, you know, it is.
But there's some people there who kind of maybe are there on accident somehow
by the grace
of God whose parents lost their house in a flood.
Well, they knew that their house was going to be destroyed in a flood and they
would be
able to claim a certain amount of money, which they would use to purchase their
siblings
out of their dead parents' vacation home.
I met one of the real...
I've been to Martha's Vineyard before when I was on the touring company at
Second City
and we did a show on Martha's Vineyard.
And at the hotel we were staying at, I met one of the realest motherfuckers I've
ever
met in my life.
Who was it, dude?
Was it Martha's Vineyard?
Huh?
Was it Obama?
Was it Cassie David?
No, no, it was just this like, he was the most like salt of the earth, East
Coast dude I've
ever like seen or heard in my life.
Like he had this really crazy, like hard, hard, hard Boston, New England accent,
which I had
like never heard somebody.
It's like when you hear like a really hard like Baltimore or Pennsylvania like
accent.
It's like, wow, like those are so rare, you know, to hear in real life.
And this guy was really old.
He was like drunk as fuck, just sitting by himself at this fire pit, just torching
back
cigarettes.
And he was telling us about his fucking, his like estranged daughter.
He was just one of those kind of broken older men that is maybe like a trucker
or something
like that.
We don't meet enough people like this.
It used to be that you were meeting people like this every fucking church or,
you know
what I mean?
I only meet 30 year olds.
You know what I mean?
Right.
Who are trying to make it in the entertainment industry.
It cannot be doing good things for my brain.
They're so boring, man.
It's like 20s, people in their 20s are fucking exciting.
I fucking love chilling with people in their 20s.
There's nothing better.
Now, some people in their 40s though, as well, they have hit what's called a
second wind
once they ditch that fucking first, first spouse and get the fun back in their
spine.
Wake up some of that.
That's when you get the DILF, MILF status.
You know what I mean?
Even if you don't have kids.
Everyone in their 30s is just like pissed off that they fucked up in their 20s
because
the 20s is so fun.
But there's going to be a point when you, when all that shit is going to become
crashing,
down, which Eric is experiencing right now, in a violent way.
Do you guys think we fucked up badly in our 20s?
I, no, not at all.
For real, I don't think, I don't think I did.
But I do look back and I'm like, God damn it.
Like, I really, there's just a lot of, a lot of wasted time in a good way and
in a bad
way too.
I don't, but here's the thing.
That's my, that's what I'm best at.
That's what I like to do in this life is waste fucking time sitting around.
You know what I mean?
And absorbing fucking entertainment.
Eric, you're the Michael Jordan of wasting time.
I really am.
I really fucking am.
Because I make it like a task.
You know what I mean?
Where it's just like, oh, I gotta fucking turn on the TV.
Like, I was sitting down today and I wanted to go get a seltzer and it took me
about 20
minutes to go get fucking up from bed.
To go get, and I was thirsty too.
I had a basic human need to drink.
Yeah, that is alarming.
Jack, you're also good at wasting time.
Shut up, bitch.
I'm not a waste time.
I'm a fucking time hacker, dude.
I'll fucking like, like, you think it's wasting time, but really, I'm doing,
watching entertainment
while working out, while writing a video, while apologizing to somebody in my
family, while
fucking ordering a, whatever, more toothpaste.
I have, I have, I feel like I've done enough stuff to where I have, I'm allowed
to waste some
time.
I've basically done more than anybody.
The hundred year olds that were walking the earth, getting their fucking legs
all up in
the mud back in the day, they haven't even done even close to the time amounts
of stuff
I've done.
I've done so many things in my life is what I'm trying to say.
More than one lifetime.
Can I share a physics fact with you guys?
Of course.
Please.
Yeah, you never have to ask permission for that.
Well, I don't know if this is like some kind of third grade knowledge or tell
me if you
guys know this, but if you go at the speed of light, Einstein, one of the most
famous scientists
ever.
This is one of his theories.
I think it's been proven.
Well, I don't know if it has.
I don't know if you can prove it at this point, but it's pretty likely that it's,
this would
happen if you were to.
Anyways, if you go to the speed of light, if you're in a ship that goes to the
speed
of light, you basically don't age.
Why?
And I don't know how this works, but have you guys heard this before?
No.
So you're saying that if I can somehow build a kite and attach my arms to it
and stand
in front of a floodlight with enough electricity behind it to where it picks me
up and launches
me on it like a wave that I can look fucking 16 when I'm 72.
That's exactly what I'm saying.
That is exactly just.
Wow.
Yeah.
Well, then it made sense to me.
You took the words out of my mouth.
I'm sorry about that.
Basically, if you put it.
Well, what doesn't make sense to me, honestly, is because if you're standing on
a moving truck
like James Bond and you throw a tennis ball in the air, you guys know that
trick.
The tennis ball doesn't go flying backwards.
So if you were traveling with light, would you simply be aging on the light
beam?
And if somebody looked out, it would look to them like you were the same age
because the
light is taking so long to get to you that you're seeing it at one age?
Or if you were on the light with somebody else going the same speed, would you
both to each
other not look like you're aging?
Jack, you should have been a physicist.
You should have definitely been a science major.
You are asking questions that like, this is what, how physicists think, dude.
There is, there, I watched a video on this, kind of the exact thing that you're
describing
right now.
And it was saying that like time is, I don't know if it's like, I literally don't
know what
I'm fucking talking about.
Like, I'm not going to even finish.
Can I jump in?
Can I jump in?
Yes, please.
All right, so Nate, so here's the thing about time, right?
I maybe have said this before.
Time to me is the same thing as an inch, right?
Mm-hmm.
Does, that, that, oohs.
Mm-hmm.
Good, good.
Mm-hmm.
Time doesn't exist, it's something that, oh, fuck, how do I say this?
It exists to, as an organization of the representation of the fact that things
change.
Yes.
Right?
Yes.
The fact that molecules move, the fact that everything decomposes and grows.
But time isn't real.
In the same sense, Eric, you just froze.
I don't, is he unfrozen yet?
What did I?
We all need to.
What happened, man?
I don't know.
Eric just froze for a second.
He froze in a way that made it sound like you were having a stroke.
I think that, I think that, Eric, can you, yeah, you're back.
Okay, Eric, we need to all get one single community college degree.
I feel like we, we all need to like take turns taking the different classes and
we could either
speed it up or go at the pace of, you know, but we could all kind of share one.
What should we major in?
You know, what, what, what do you think we could benefit from?
Well, you already majored in English, right, Nate?
Yeah.
So we have English, journalism, Jack.
Jack and comedy, comed