Name: Alienz (ft. Conner O'Malley) | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep.35
Uploaded: 2023-09-25T07:45:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alienz (ft. Conner O'Malley) | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep.35' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Alienz (ft. Conner O'Malley) | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep.35' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-09-25. Transcript available.

Alienz (ft. Conner O'Malley) | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep.35

Before you watch this episode of Joy Tactics, go watch The Mask.
Go watch The Mask, Conor O'Malley's new hilarious short film on his website,
endorphinport.com.
If you don't mind, it stars Eric Rahill.
Eric, how was that for you?
It was an amazing experience, top to bottom.
Nate, you watched it?
I'm not even joking.
One of the funniest things I've seen in recent memory.
So go check it out.
It's five bucks.
We got the link in the show notes.
And yeah, enjoy this episode.
Joy Tactics!
Out.
Magneto's so fucking sick to be able to affect metal as such.
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous, and
meeting as
many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger.
Enjoy.
Oh, shit.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have Conor O'Malley on.
We're going to be discussing alien, what did you say?
Alien conspiracies.
Aliens, conspiracies.
So what do you think, man?
Put it to us straight.
Is there such a thing, or could there not be?
Basically, it's alien conspiracies that are happening.
Different, Indiana has different theories.
Do you think aliens have conspiracies about humans?
Of course.
Yeah, they have to.
They don't know a damn thing about us, I don't think.
All they have is that golden record.
What's that?
The golden record has Barry Manilow tracks on there.
Because we shot out a satellite with a bunch of a time capsule in it that has
all things
to describe what humanity is.
Yeah, well, there's also, do you guys see Contact?
Of course.
Matthew McConaughey.
Oh, yeah.
Jodie Foster.
Jogi Foster, Matthew McConaughey.
Oh, I love him.
It's different.
Hitler was the first thing they saw.
What?
You don't remember that?
Oh, yeah, and they were like, so humanity's fucking evil next level.
Yeah.
Or they don't speak German.
Oh.
They don't know what the fuck that guy's saying.
I'd hate to make a bad impression on an alien.
I think we've got to address, before we get into any of this, I got a haircut.
Oh, yeah.
A lot buzzed.
Sorry.
Oh, that's very relevant.
Oh, no, never mind.
I was going to, never mind.
What is this watch?
This watch is a, it's like a baby G-Shock.
Baby G-Shock?
Yeah, look at that.
Casio, $35.
I'm wearing it everywhere.
You know what's funny is we were going to do the male fashion genre of episode,
but
in the last second we switched to alien conspiracy, but naturally, look at how
we naturally
gravitate toward it.
Look at you.
You're dressed like, look at you.
You look like, I'm dripped the fuck out.
What's that thing on your top of your hat?
What is that logo?
I don't.
You look like you could be in the background of Dave.
Oh, my.
You know what?
I kind of hate wearing this hat because everyone doesn't know what this is, and
I don't either.
It's just like, it's just a fucking fashion hat.
It's like, there's nothing on it, and there's, it's like kind of a key, like a
heart key or
something.
Oh.
It's actually a nice, like, I'm kind of embarrassed it's a swaggy brand, and I,
I'm in my like
posts, like kind of buying swaggy things era, so I have all these remnants of
like, you
know, like, not Balenciaga type shit, but this is a, this is the brand, this is
Acne Studios.
Is it really?
Do you know that?
You know about Acne, Connor?
That's like Kylie Jenner's like.
What is this?
It's a high fashion brand.
It's a high.
I know about Sears Covington Collection.
If you guys ever get Sears.
Sears?
Yeah.
Connor, I asked Connor a couple, when we moved to New York, you were wearing a
Sears Roebuck
shirt from the 70s, and I was like, where'd you fucking get that?
And you were like, I think we got a similar body type, man, you might want to
hit these
up.
Well, I got it on eBay, because a wardrobe person once told me that I have a
workman's
body.
Is that what, is that what I got too?
Well, I think we were, we're supposed to be the industrial backbone of America.
And they took that shit away from us.
They fucking did, dude.
So we're here doing a fucking podcast.
Getting all oily.
Covering oil.
Meanwhile, me and Nate, we have kind of the intellectual's body.
Well, this is something, Jack, I feel like, I don't know, have you guys brought
this up
on the pod?
What?
What is it now?
Your favorite thing, or you love to guess which, like, your body type, what war
should
you be in?
Oh, yeah.
I love that.
Well, it's usually intuitively obvious.
Can we go through and do it right now?
I think we should.
Yeah.
We've been through this.
Like, if you see, if you saw, like, your head and your body, what uniform is it
supposed
to be in?
What war time?
Nate was in a forgotten Turkish-Prussian war from 1806.
He had one of the craziest mustaches of all time, a tall hat, and he'd never
used a gun
before.
Tall hat.
He's fucking good with the fucking...
I think I was in, like, a war where they just had invented bronze or steel, and,
like,
I was one of the first people to have, like, a full armor suit that was, like,
impenetrable
from swords and weapons.
So, I was just, like, indestructible, like, going into battle, like, fucking,
like, just
rage-killing, like, thousands of people.
I don't know.
92.
Maybe, like, 96 or something.
Yeah, 92 or 96.
I think that happened to you, but you get into battle, none of the arrows are
hitting, but
then they fucking pour oil on you, and it fucking...
The steel's not that good yet, so the steel melts on top of you.
What's this say for the people watching?
Maybe we're...
Maybe we know something about the strike.
Yeah, that's where we are.
If you can't even see it from there, Connor's got a black Netflix mug.
What's that material?
It's coffee.
Oh.
Yeah.
So, mark our words.
By the time this comes out tomorrow, let's just say that the strike will be
over, and if
it hasn't, if it isn't over, you can talk snatch about us.
Do you think it's going to be really over tomorrow?
Nah.
Who knows?
Maybe.
Maybe at the end of the day.
So, you think Prussian, like, bronze era suit?
Yeah.
Whatever that...
Yeah.
Yeah.
Full armor.
Well, you look like the armor suit.
You know what I mean?
Died from, like, hot liquid.
I don't know.
I feel like you might also be like, you guys are...
You know what's going on, running around.
Oh, I can see you in the first war.
You have, like, late stage difference.
I will say, no one here is leadership.
No one here is...
Oh, hell no.
Oh, not of the top, but maybe of the three people that you get lost with.
I would lead them.
I knew somebody that was in the Navy and they were, like, went to college and
when it seemed
like they were going to go to war with Syria, he had to, like, explain it to,
like, all
the, like, 19-year-olds.
He was older.
He was, like, in his late 20s at the time.
Yeah.
I think he kind of enjoyed having that power over them.
Over the boys?
Yeah, over the boys.
Because they were just boys.
These soldiers are just boys.
They're just...
Yeah.
You ever hear Toy Soldiers by Eminem?
I'm sure I have.
I kind of tune it out.
More of these different psychological aspects of children in war.
Is that why?
Oh, my God.
What?
Is that why they...
It's called that?
Toy Soldiers?
No, I was listening to it the other day.
Inch by Inch.
What's the Eminem song where he goes to the Mandalay Bay?
Oh, yeah.
That one's good.
I can't remember what that one's called.
That's new Eminem.
You ever seen this?
No, no, no.
You haven't seen this?
He goes to the Mandalay Bay...
The video is, like, from the perspective of the Mandalay Bay shooter.
Yes.
It's crazy.
Steven Paddock?
Steven.
Steven.
Oh, yeah.
It's the second time he's come up today.
Rest in hell.
Well, you don't know.
You don't know.
If he's dead or not.
You don't know.
Conspiracy.
Maybe he's an alien.
Fire rate ability, because it seems like he wasn't able to do the psychological
firing.
Right, in such a sense.
And because of the muzzle flashes as well, you can look at their stratological
positioning on their walls.
Somebody who was on the ground that I think probably has more information about
it, but
they know better not to talk about it, is Dan Bilzerian.
Dan Bilzerian was there.
He was begging somebody to give him a gun so that he could shoot.
Give me a gun!
That is a great reaction.
And what is this?
Is it a police officer?
He's a police officer.
He's like, get the fuck away from us.
He's like, what the fuck are you doing?
What is Daniel up to these days?
Dan Bilzerian?
He was getting in with Andrew Tate a little bit.
Oh, they were going at each other?
They were getting it in.
Well, Andrew Tate said, like, he's basically a guy that would pay for a prostitute,
and I'm
a guy that owns prostitutes.
He's like, diabolical.
Top G.
Good God, that's top G.
Top G, more like top disrespect.
Top.
We definitely would be 200 years from now, 200 years in the past, taking orders
from him
in battle.
Oh, my God.
I don't think he would use us.
I think we would be...
But that's...
Here's me.
He's fucking ordering me around too much.
Middle of the night.
Needle right here.
Needle?
Yeah, a needle.
Just a small...
That's an interesting, good, simple way to kill somebody, I reckon.
I know.
A needle as long as hell.
A long needle.
Terminator.
Wow.
Yeah, I remember that.
That kid from Terminator is looking busted.
Which one?
The main kid.
What's his name?
He was in American History X, too.
Charlie...
X-E-X.
Charlie Kaufman.
Well, we all know who he is.
Eric, I think that you were a...
I think you were not leadership, but you were like up there, you know?
You were like some sort of sergeant.
I don't know what we were, but I feel like you came from the back of a line.
Well, I feel like you two already...
But I'm curious what you say, because Jack has determined...
They determined it for each other.
Yeah.
This is a conversation I walked into, but I'm very curious.
Interesting.
I'm curious what...
Okay, let's see if it matches up.
All right, what war?
I feel like Eric would...
I'm trying to think...
I think it would be like a...
Like after the Revolutionary War, kind of like 18...
A war of 1812 kind of style.
And you...
And you...
I feel like you're like a sergeant that's like, put me on the front lines.
You know what I'm saying?
And you go to the very front of the lines.
Immediately killed.
That would be a good war, because you know how they line them...
Horizontally.
Oh, yeah.
They did single file war.
You know what I'm saying?
One.
It's just one-on-one?
Yeah.
They trick him out, and they just send one guy out there, and they're like,
there's probably
a million guys behind him.
Oh.
Because it looks like they can't tell.
Oh, so they put a suit on the back of him.
The fucking illusion.
Dude.
Oh, like the Michael Jackson.
Oh.
They do that, but they're not...
We need more illusionists in war.
We need way more illusionists.
I'm trying to get in their fucking faces.
Oh, because through mirrors.
Surely through mirrors, especially with the landscape in Kabul and the
surrounding areas,
is you could make, because with the mountains, you could make people see you
all over the
place shining.
It's the desert.
Don't get me started on Kabul.
Shining all over the place?
Well, because of the mirrors reflecting, I should say.
And the dust particles would generate the 3D images.
You guys don't know what I'm talking about.
I do.
I do.
All right.
And I see Jack in, like, kind of a future war, where, like, your brain is, like,
kind
of...
You're just, like, standing, like, still in the middle of a room, and there's,
like, a
couple of, like, all these cords plugged into your brain, and you're, like,
playing, like...
It's essentially, like, war has just turned into, like, video gaming, and you're,
like,
controlling, like, thousands of people out for a single time, and you're
staring in this
solitary white room with all these cords in your fucking head, and you're, like,
growing
up and, like, pissing your pants and shit.
See, I see Jack as emaciated trenches, trench foot.
Oh, all hungry.
But I also see tintype, Civil War, like, before and after, before smiling,
after, like, half
of your brain's missing, and, you 