Name: Technology | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP. 37
Uploaded: 2023-10-09T10:45:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Technology | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP. 37' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-09. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Technology | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP. 37' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-10-09. Transcript available.

Technology | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP. 37

maybe we need to be a little more direct as western males okay the western yeah
this is
your e-courses dropping being more direct as western in the western hemisphere
welcome to joy
tactics the podcast dedicated to all things joyful joyous and meeting as many
celebrities
as humanly possible hosted by eric rayhill make veroni and jack bensinger enjoy
you are now listening to joy tactics monday's episode technology the theme
today technology
hardware we're not doing software today it's hardware
right this is gonna get us in trouble this is going to because we have been
nice to these
tech companies for a long time we've played the role of the nice guy
and these people have a lot of power and they could quite frankly ruin all
three of our lives if they
wanted to and this is time for us to say that we are not afraid anymore there's
no fear we don't care
we don't care anymore we're about to stand up to these bullies and let them
know what's up yep so
you guys because here's it here's the worst thing that they could come up with
right lately for
torturing us and killing us slowly but surely is what changing the charging
port on the iphone
that's the best you got is every single time i want to get a new phone i also
have to get a new charger
right and i can't listen to music while i charge my phone anymore well guess
what that's not driving
me crazy that's not ruining my day that's actually ironically making me less
dependent on it because i go you
know what let the phone die i don't need it i'm not addicted and i have a
rewarding life outside of
this shit i just uh ate hummus well i think we should uh i agree with
everything you just said jack
once again i agree and i think we should basically tell everybody why this is
the topic today because
something not that cool happened to me um just a couple days ago and i didn't
know if i want to
talk about it but i guess i will we went to dinner in chinatown new york got
chinese food it was
delicious me and jack and some friends then we went and got martinis then i
took an uber home because the
train the time was too long and i'm sitting in the car mad at myself for paying
too much money to get an
uber whatever i was like i'll just rock with it i get out of the car uh-oh i'm
in my house uh-oh i should text
so-and-so there's no fucking phone in my house
okay so then we you know we use layla's find my iphone and guess what it's all
the way in manhattan again
i left my phone in the car
in the uber which means i no longer had it and i and so i'm trying to get in
contact with lyft
it's it's it's a hellscape i can't log in on my browser because i need two-factor
authentication
and the only way to do that is for it to text me i can't fucking do it so i'm i'm
sitting here blind no
phone 24 hours message and let lift please god you don't realize how much i
need my phone
as a burgeoning entertainer with calls coming in every friday i could have been
missing some very
important phone calls from new studios you probably did warner brothers did i
know dude i know i did and
that's just something i have to live with so yesterday 4 p.m what do i do i
said you know what
i was rocking with the iphone 11 let's just get a new one now and so what did i
do i got the iphone 15
oh yeah check it out oh my god i did baby blue that's blue yeah they said it's
blue it looks white
and so i did the payment plan i'm fucking put 150 down i'm paying this off for
24 months
um and frankly it and i gotta say this i mean this is maybe the most boring
stuff
wait can i ask you a question how many things do you have on after pay right
now are you just
i feel like something tells me that you are maybe the the uh you're using that
the most of any person
in america right now like once that that sort of feature came out and was
really common on websites
that you were really taking advantage of paying things in in installment
payments
i am gaming them and they think that they are giving me with interest in all
these this this that and the
other but i'm actually gaming that i i got everything on let it's i'm paying my
couch off my desk off my
chairs my car my fucking products my facial oils my perfumes my oil my food i'm
paying fucking
free range eggs off every week four dollars you know what i'm saying um and i
like it like that
because it reminds me how much value these things it's you know dude i don't
know what i'm just
fucking saying i just um i'm just pissed about the phone a little bit and now
here's the thing here's
the thing they found the phone it's coming back to me i'm gonna have to leave
the podcast to go
get it from the uber driver so kind to bring it back a couple days later i'm
gonna give them a tip
even though i think lyft's gonna charge me another 20 dollars so let's discuss
this yeah uh it's another
episode another thing that you've kind of gotten yourself fucking into it seems
like just about
every episode this this year eric oh i sprinted and i broke my cat my femur in
half oh i fucking ate
a burrito and it gave me salmonella oh i whatever okay now no disrespect that's
where you come you come
to joy tactics because this is the best most brightest most positive community
since the beatles
right right now here's my question
when we had a discussion yesterday or maybe it was whenever yesterday hey i
lost my phone
i said man i'm serious i think that they're gonna bring it back to you i think
that you're gonna get
that phone back that's the difference between why did you give up so quick you
still believe in
fucking kindness in people i don't dude i've been burned in ways you never will
be so i don't have
that don't mistake eric don't listen to this listen to this man what uh what is
it don't don't uh
don't don't uh don't mistake my kindness for weakness oh i do mistake it
because i don't oh i don't rely on
hope i rely on perseverance okay it's not about you think i don't rely on no i
know that you don't because
if if my phone was gone and lift they were saying the guy's not responding i
don't know he's not responding
haha okay what's his name i don't know okay i know he's within three miles of
the island of manhattan
i'm gonna take lifts every fucking day and i'm gonna take adderall every day to
try and spark my
memory of exactly what car i was in by smell sense and i'm gonna wait and one
day i'm gonna get in a
car and a smell is gonna be fucking familiar a little too familiar and guess
what i'm gonna do
what i'm gonna have i'm gonna have been growing my fingernails out long as fuck
and just filing
i'm gonna do a knife i'm gonna put that shit through his fucking head and take
his phone
it's not his fault yes it is man in this scenario how dare you in the scenario
where you are so
stubborn in a in this scenario where he where he stole it you understand me
yeah he can make for
forgiveness if he sees me get in the car and smells me because i remember you
you're that dude you smell
like that dude that left his phone in here take it back then sure i'd still
have a couple questions
about why he was dodging uh the lift police in a sense but that's all i'd say
now give walk us through
what what was your thing what was your life like for the last 24 hours when you
didn't have a phone
i i went into a free fall immediately when i lost my phone i'm reaching for it
not there ah freaking
out i'm looking at it i see it on the find my phone app you know on layla's
phone and so i i begin
running into man and screaming trying to find it but it's a little bit behind
so i'm sprinting and
then all of a sudden it's two blocks that way two blocks that way so i mean
frankly i did do think i
it was about 18 hours no phone about at about 4 p.m i got the new the new phone
because i just
couldn't take it anymore you can't even go one day dude you don't we're at
different points in our
careers you know what i mean like it's easy for you to say this man because you
know what i'm saying
but for me i needed that shit and by the way once i got it
ring ring ring west males fucking uh ted sarandos trying to get me trying to
get me once again you'll
never get this nate has an assistant similar to like the kind of what is it siri
zach galifianakis
no eric watch your fucking attitude today man watch your fucking attitude all
right we're putting up
with a lot of shit from you for the last couple days man you've been drinking
like nobody's ever seen
right well i'm pissed right now nate you right nate doesn't have a smartphone
instead of having a
smartphone nate has an assistant that has a smartphone for him nate has and
will handle
his apps and i think jared leto has the same deal jared leto has a farm
somewhere with human
beings that aren't registered with the government that's for sure if jared leto
listened to this
podcast would you guys publicly dis on him why we would have to from 30 seconds
to mars why would
i do that what do you mean oh like if you posted a selfie like listen to joy
tactics they align with
me they align why i would i would be like you know i feel like anytime like if
if there if if if you
were like do you would you disavow jared leto like in a hypothetical situation
like of course i would
yeah i would fucking take his ass out i would speak directly to the camera and
tell him exactly my
thoughts on why he's he's wrong and why he's fucking up dude and why he needs
to be brought down all
right right but if he if he came over like if he was at a restaurant and was
like nate i really fucking
him i'm rocking with your some of the shit that you've been posting online i
would be so fucking
nice smelling his fucking armpits his special natural smell so fucking good
what did you say
what what did you say he started smelling his arm yeah yeah because he might be
a fucking villain but he
probably smells good oh he definitely smells great oh he smells a probably a
fucking incredible
they get sense that we don't get you know what i mean i bet you his balls smell
good like that's how
good he smells like he even like area you know probably kidding probably he
looks so he is really
that dude who i use as an example of how young you can look because he's what
52 and he looks like a
fucking grasshopper he looks like a baby platypus right people keep saying this
about certain celebrities
there's like oh they're eternal you know vampire i i see him and i see rot oh
google image him are you
sure you're thinking of the right person yeah i just saw him do a tick tock i'm
on his tick tock
every morning waking up immediately he's in his fucking like 70s like he's he's
he's he's he's not
he's not young he's 51 and he looks literally in his 50s and how old is john daly
the golfer 57
oh yeah that's a good comparison
he's about six seven years older y'all have had an uncle right who's been in
their 50s
or something of course a relative or a parent yes i have can you effing imagine
this dude literally
looks i'm not kidding look realistically looking at a picture of jerry leto
right now i would say that
dude looks not a day older than 37 i would say maybe like we we're not here to
give him any flowers
right now you know what i'm saying so oh these aren't flowers man these are
this is a bouquet of
cacti yeah correct judge this is right it's not a virtue to be um most
beautiful forever
it's actually a reverse version it's a virtue it's vain uh it's vain it's it's
things that i'm not
interested in i i actually am the reverse i'm like yo what's the opposite i'll
put like aluminum foil
on my cheeks or something to like basically what i'm saying is reverse
sunscreen so that i can get these
motherfucking the lesions popping up quicker so that i connect myself ground
myself in nature fast ego
death you're going to ego death externally interesting i do ego death
internally but and so does nate
are you talking about food
no you're not you're talking about thoughts can i can i just say about the iphone
how unsatisfying this
whole process has become it used to be i remember when i was a kid you get a
new phone it's a whole