Name: Spend Christmas With Three Struggling Comedians | Joy Tactics Podcast
Uploaded: 2023-12-25T12:00:44.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spend Christmas With Three Struggling Comedians | Joy Tactics Podcast' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Spend Christmas With Three Struggling Comedians | Joy Tactics Podcast' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2023-12-25. Transcript available.

Spend Christmas With Three Struggling Comedians | Joy Tactics Podcast

You guys think I'm a dumbass, don't you?
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous, and
meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger. Enjoy.
So you wake up first thing in the morning and something feels different.
Mm-hmm.
It feels almost as if your skin, inside your veins, is not regular red blood,
but it's golden rivers of glitter and silver and red and green.
Red and green.
What's this red and green about?
Right.
Walk down into the living room, what do you see?
Who knows?
Mysteries.
Is it mommy kissing Santa Claus?
Is it daddy licking a reindeer?
Is it daddy getting all down on Santa Claus?
Mommy and daddy.
Showing him his new tricks.
And a reindeer.
Playing video games.
Well-
The possibilities of Christmas are just so endless.
And if you don't-
Do you think there's anybody who sits, like, their head in the chimney just
waiting for Santa to sit on him?
I stopped believing in Santa Claus a little too fucking late.
I'll just say that.
And I'll tell you why.
I was having my suspicions pretty early on.
Suspiciously early, too.
In an advanced type of learning way where I was young.
I was like, I don't think this is real.
And then I was pretty sure I had a reindeer on the fucking roof when I was
about nine.
And so that kept me believing a little bit too late.
Oh, I see what you're saying.
So I doubted, and then I came back around pretty heavily.
I have basically zero memory of Santa Claus even being a thing that you could
believe in.
That's a crisis of faith.
Well, yeah, it is.
I mean, I feel like when I was, like, whatever, four or five years old,
whenever I started understanding concepts that large, I would, like, it was
almost introduced as this thing that people pretend about.
Right.
It was never-
My parents were straight up ever since-
Like, they were like, Santa's not real.
Like, this-
Damn!
This is fucking fake.
And I was, like, a kid at school that was like, you know Santa's not real,
right?
Like, I was that little piece of shit that was, like, Christmas for other kids.
But for your family, the reason for the season was the birth of Jesus, right?
Jesus Christ, uh-huh.
And we already talked about-
If you haven't heard our fucking history of Christmas, then go back a couple
episodes because we cover that in depth.
We are not going to talk about Christianity or any type of religious shit today
because today is just about Christmas and-
It's just about chilling out, celebrating what you have, being thankful, not in
the same way as on Thanksgiving, but in a different way, a more Christmas type
of way.
Colder.
What's the difference between Christmas thankful and Thanksgiving thankful?
Well, to start-
That's a good-ass question that I haven't thought about for a minute now.
One of them is grateful for food.
The other one's grateful for gifts.
Presents.
Is that not it?
I like food and I like stuff.
That pretty much sums it up.
Yeah, I think-
That pretty much does.
That's a very succinct, simple way.
Question for you guys.
Question.
Do you guys, do you guys' families do stockings?
Yes.
Yep.
Yeah.
Do you guys, because did you all have any rich friends growing up that had
crazy-as-fuck stockings?
Yes.
Because I remember I had a friend who got an iPod fucking Nano in their stocking.
Damn.
Damn.
Yeah.
Some of you fucking rich people, you don't understand what a fucking stocking
is.
An iPad mini is not a fucking stocking gift.
You know what a stocking peanut is?
It's supposed to be fucking Tic Tacs are supposed to go in the stocking.
Yeah, Sprite flavored Tic Tacs.
An apple, milk dugs.
And some fucking junk from the drugstore.
Yeah.
It's supposed to be the worst part of your day is opening up.
Hand sanitizer.
It's thinking that you're about to get something awesome, and then you're like,
oh, it's fucking
just candy and socks.
Ain't nothing wrong with it.
Oh, that is a good point when you put it that way.
I wonder if anyone's ever gotten beaten to death with a stocking.
Beaten to death with a stocking?
Yeah, back in the old days.
That was all you had.
When that's your only weapon was putting some fucking coal in a stocking.
Oh, God.
That's what the naughty kids would do back in the day.
Fill a stocking with coal and beat their parents to death.
Something is, I bet you there's a lot of non-media covered violence and death
that happens
on Christmas.
Well, it's the perfect day to pull a heist.
Everybody's with their friends.
Murder heist.
I don't want anything from the museum.
I just want bodies.
Okay.
Different type of heist.
Ocean's 11, but it's just a bunch of-
With no mustache like that, it's hitting a little different when you act this
type of
way.
Oh, I wasn't going to address it.
If you're just listening, you might want to take a motherfucking look because
it looks
like I got reconstructed surgically into a more kind of pretty version of
myself, I think.
Yeah.
I don't feel natural.
I don't know who I am like this.
But-
You look like you're glowing.
Like, you look like you've de-aged yourself.
You look like you're a relative of Timothee Chalamet right now.
Looks like you just got some fresh blood platelets fucking installed right in
the face.
I do feel like I'm 47 years old and I paid the craziest amount of money in
Mexico to get
some skin grafted shit, type of shit redone.
It's crazy how my skin got better when I got rid of the hair.
I mean, I still have- No, I've never had acne as an adult, but I don't know.
Yo, I got one- What is this?
I don't- I used to have acne bad when I was a teen.
That's not acne.
Now that I'm adult, I get it in one- it's one single pimple on my fucking cheek.
And it disgusts people.
It makes them turn away from me in disgust.
Yeah.
Just face to the left, I guess.
There you go.
Zoolander.
Zoolander.
Help me remember what we were talking about 30 seconds ago.
Quite simply, the joys of Christmas.
We're talking about Christmas.
Well, I wanted to check in with the patrons really quick, do a one-on-one with
them.
How are you guys feeling?
How do you know they can't respond?
Are you listening to this on Christmas Day while your family gathers and you
hold secret
resentments for how they treated you as a kid?
Maybe this is the time you get to tell your dad, I don't like how you yelled at
me and
how I used to be scared when I hear your car pull in the driveway.
Maybe this is the time.
When the driveway was all gravel.
Just right off of that statement, Eric, I think that there is no possible way.
You're not going to heal any trauma during Christmas.
This is not the time.
This is the time to bury it and just let time pass by.
Let the liquor flow.
Just drink away the pain.
Just get through this fucking week.
If you're trying to heal some sort of childhood trauma with your parents of
some sort or the
way that you, it's not going to happen this week.
It's not going to fucking happen.
You're going to dive deeper into that pain and all you need to do is just get
through this
fucking week.
All right?
And I'll tell you this.
If you have been eating a lot of holiday goodies, which personally I haven't
even been tempted,
but if you have been and you're worried about you want to lose a little weight
or you want
to get a little healthier in the new year, just don't, I'll tell you what, don't
worry
about it this week, guys.
Okay?
Just fucking, I just had some butter cookies upstairs.
You know, those cookies that come in the tins that have the sugar on top and
they're roasted
for being kind of flavorless cookies?
Well, guess what?
I like those.
And I'm letting myself just, if I want one, go get one.
Wow, that's great.
Cheat week.
Cheat week.
Dude, I'm doing this.
The cheat week.
Imagine, you think that's cheating week.
Well, spoiler alert, I was at an awesome holiday function last night.
Why don't you tell me, why don't you text us about this last night?
Because, dude, you were invited.
That's the hard truth.
Eric, we can do things without having to check in with you every second.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm fine doing things separate, but I want to know what you guys are up to.
You'll find out.
You'll find out when you see it in the fucking tabloids, when you see me on the
red carpet
of the local Virginia Labor Committee Council holiday party.
What type of liquor did they have?
Greek electricians.
Dude.
Greek electricians?
I don't know if you've ever heard of a little wine called Littlefoot or
something.
Oh, Barefoot?
Barefoot.
Barefoot.
Oh.
Yeah.
So imagine about three liters of that for about 50 or 70 people.
Yeah.
My uncle got my mom some Yellowtail one Christmas for her Christmas present and
said it was imported.
And technically, there was no lie told there.
He's correct.
That does come from Australia.
However, it's deceitful in a sense.
That is a pretty much guaranteed fucking hangover.
Oh, a fucking, mmm, a liter of Yellowtail?
Warm Yellowtail?
While you watch Monk with your mom?
Oh.
Yeah, that's a fucking hangover.
Can you imagine?
Let me watch a real Monk with my mom.
Just walk, follow a Monk around.
Just watching a Monk be all holy.
Mmm.
Get a Slip a Monk some drugs and see who they can talk to.
Slip a Monk, yeah.
Guess what food I've been eating.
What?
Awesome sandwiches.
Because at this function I'm speaking of was the big, giant, round plate of
sandwiches from the grocery store.
Mmm.
Probably had about nine of those at the function.
Then I probably had about six of those before bed last night.
That's probably why I couldn't sleep.
And then, guess what?
Mmm.
Three more for breakfast.
Oh, my.
And guess what?
Oh, wow.
What's on the, is it all meats?
Is it ham, turkey, and roast beef?
That's exactly correct.
With different cheeses.
How did I know that?
I don't know.
But you knew.
Because I could, you know, now that I think about it, you did send a picture of
the function last night.
So I already saw, I did know what you're up to.
So thanks for letting me know.
All right.
And you know what I watched last night?
What?
What?
With my, me, Papa.
What?
I was going through his DVDs and I watched,
we watched The Usual Suspects.
Oh.
You ever seen that?
With Willem Dafoe?
Of course.
Willem Dafoe.
No, Willem Dafoe's not in that.
I had to shoot my shot.
Who we got?
We got Del Toro.
We got Spacey.
Benicio Del Toro.
Oh, Benicio's in that?
Spacey the rat.
Spacey the rat?
Kevin Spacey's a rat rat.
Yeah, Kevin Spacey.
He's a rape-a-laza, isn't he?
Yeah.
Something like that.
Sorry to say it like that.
But you know, Benicio Del Toro's performance in this movie is, I swear to God,
it is very Benzing-ery.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
Eric, can you attest?
Of course.
Talentful, like, talented.
Yeah, I think you need to check out what his wardrobe is in that movie, Jack,
and just start wearing that shit for real.
Benicio Del Toro outfit?
You do need to look up some clips from that, and, like, I swear to God, it was
like he took an acting class, like, from you.
Like, if you were to hold, like, an acting class on, like, how to create a
character or something like that, like, it is ridiculous.
Okay, so I'm going to Google image this, and I'm either about to be very disrespected
or very honored.
No, it's not based on looks.
Now, you need to remind me what the movie's called right now.
I would say the look, though, is pretty.
He kind of looks like a beautiful anime character.
What's the movie called?
The Usual Suspects.
Oh, that's a famous one.
Yeah.
I watched Galaxy Quest with my dad last night.
That's kind of, I've probably seen that movie 15 times.
I think I've already espoused my love for that movie on here, but they did that
shit so right.
And it was on, we watched it on a DVD as well, and there's something about it
being on a DVD.
It just looked a little bit different than it would on streaming.
Am I?
Maybe I'm wrong.
No, I do think that's true because of the Blu-rays.
You're 100% right.
It is different.
It is different.
Like, there is a, I think it goes through some sort of, you know, codec 