Name: Cheifs Win | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP. 54
Uploaded: 2024-02-12T13:00:42.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cheifs Win | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP. 54' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cheifs Win | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP. 54' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-12. Transcript available.

Cheifs Win | Joy Tactics Podcast | EP. 54

Yeah, I don't know. Look in the Zoom frames right now. Look at the two fools
surrounding me.
They say they're my friends, but then they send me mean messages to siphon
money from my bank account.
Yeah, I know. I love you guys.
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous, and
meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger. Enjoy.
Ready?
Yeah.
Wait.
Wait.
Ding.
The Super Bowl.
The Super Bowl.
Nice job, Jack. That was awesome, man.
Good job, man. We're visiting you in the hospital.
Good job, dude.
I've been trying.
Really good.
Thank you.
Yeah, guys, thank you so much, by the way.
No brain damage here. Not yet. Not yet. Not until after the party.
Wow.
It's a Chiefs win.
It's a Chiefs win.
It's a Chiefs win.
It's a Chiefs win.
Shout out, Travis Kelly.
Congratulations to the Chiefs.
You guys haven't played yet because we're recording this in the morning, but we
know that you won.
Congratulations just for being there.
Come on, man.
If anybody was going to have the Super Bowl playing or not.
Just congrats for being there, for real.
Okay, I already know two things happened.
This is a guarantee.
The Chiefs won.
My Chiefs won.
Yep.
Yep, yep, they did.
I know that for a fact.
That's going to be happening tomorrow.
And second off, Usher brought the fucking house.
Usher?
Yeah, no question Usher brought it.
I know that happened.
I was an Usher one time.
You hung out with Usher one time?
No.
No, you didn't.
Did you?
No, I was an Usher one time.
Usher is short as all get out.
That's what's funny about Google imaging him.
All right.
What was he in, Nate?
Oh, dude, he's like 5'6".
You know, if you're famous, though, being short doesn't matter.
Like, Tom Cruise is, what, 5'1"?
And he's, like, one of the most craziest action stars of all time.
That's what makes me mad.
You're 5'2", right?
I'm 5'2", in the bedroom.
Well, that's not big, man.
5'2".
You have a 4'1", 4'5", 4'0".
You got the Drake Extendo.
Oh, Drake's penis.
Yeah, it's the extended style.
Thank you, Jack, for sending me the...
Jack sent me the Drake.
I was literally, I was trying to find that.
Like, I was, like, I was looking for it, and I couldn't find it.
And I had to give up.
That tells me that celebrities and public figures have levers that they can
pull on the internet
that we do not.
Right.
Why was that not a Twitter search away from me seeing instantly?
I was like, why is it so fucking hard to see Drake's dick?
I'm just trying to see his...
I'm just trying to see that thing.
I'm just trying to see Drake's fucking...
I'm just trying to see that thing that he's working with.
We've been trying to see Degrassi.
Yeah.
I'm trying to see it.
Blown away.
I knew it was like that when he's in a wheelchair.
It was definitely wiggling.
Nate, I don't want you to feel weird, man, but...
What?
But what?
I just searched Drake, and it came up.
Really?
Do you think maybe your security settings aren't allowing stuff like that to
come up?
Maybe my handlers have put child parental blocks on my searches to keep me pure.
Right.
You know?
Yeah.
To keep my purity.
But I don't know.
I don't talk to him that much.
How did we start talking about that?
Because of the Super Bowl, dude.
Usher, dude.
I bet Usher's been limbering up all week.
You know what I'm saying?
Oh, no doubt.
Crazy yoga all week so he can do the split.
If Usher does the splits tonight, I'll be so thankful.
Should we make an Usher physical bingo list?
Yeah.
Back, handspring?
Uh-huh.
Clover, leaf, tongue move?
Oh, yeah.
Comes out, Sean, everybody can just do that with his tongue.
He's showing off his double joint.
Yeah, yeah.
That would be really fun.
What are some Urscher hits?
Urscher hits?
You know, I couldn't probably name one off the top of my head, but I know that
they exist.
Let's see what they are.
Are you kidding me?
Well, yeah, yeah.
They're all kind of like...
The really big one.
And then there's the sad one, right?
Where he's sad.
Oh.
It's not Cry Me a River.
My boo.
Oh, that's a good one.
Oh, the burn sounds.
Oh, yeah.
Can you hear it?
Always tell me why.
You've never seen it.
Oh.
That shit on the star.
That's the kind of type of music.
I said, that's what Usher was making music for.
For fucking people to grind at prom and homecoming.
A hundred.
There ain't nothing that got the fucking kid...
There's nothing that got my fucking teenage ass going like fucking Urscher on
the fucking
basketball court.
Well, you know what?
And you were like a rapid...
You grinded really fast.
Oh, wow.
Like back and forth so quick.
Like you couldn't even see the movement because it was so rapid.
Yeah, yeah.
It looked like there was six of you somehow.
I was the fucking Twista Busta Rhymes of grinding.
You're the physical Twista.
Yeah.
Physical Twista.
That's why I started hanging out with you.
See that?
I know.
That's why a lot of people started hanging out with me.
Now, but it's not just sexual music because what's interesting is...
Right.
You're listening to Urscher and you're thinking, yes, it's sexual, but you can
put that on in
the gym and this is better motivation, some say, is not to be mad, but to think,
I'm so
excited to be so sexy.
To be so sexy.
And you're curling the weights, grabbing onto them all hard, all gripping, yanking
it up
towards your lips.
Concentric.
I'm stretching it out, tearing the muscle a little bit.
If you're at the gym right now.
Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror at the gym.
Sorry, Jack.
What'd you say?
I don't even remember.
What'd you say?
What's sometimes when you're at the gym?
Just saying, sometimes I look at myself in the mirror at the gym and I'm
feeling myself
so hard when I'm doing the movement.
Like, damn, I'm finally fucking getting out of there.
And then I look in the mirror and I don't look at what I see.
Well, that's why you have to bring your...
I don't want to get into that too much right now, but that's just a real truth.
What are you saying right now, Eric?
Sometimes, have you ever felt like this?
And it's like, you know, if you think you're singing something pretty good and
then you
see a video recording of you singing that song and it's like night and day.
No.
But what you're doing right now is fishing for compliments.
No, I'm not.
We're already giving you enough of those.
We've already done that.
You've gotten your fucking fill, dude, man.
I'm not done.
I'm not done.
I'm not done.
Eric, you are sexy.
You are accomplished.
You are an independent adult.
Thank you, man.
You have gone above and beyond and your parents should be so proud of who you've
become.
Dude.
Nate, you don't need to say that.
You can't say the same for yourself, man.
You got a fucking nose strip on your fucking head because you can't even
breathe when you
sleep, dude.
That's what babies do.
You got to worry about babies not breathing when they sleep.
You're a fucking 30-something-year-old grown-ass man wearing the black and
white sepia-tone
Steve Zuso, whatever they say.
I'm going to relax, man.
How pathetic that you need to use some type of implement to help you sleep at
night.
Got a natural selection.
Darwinism has to look at you.
I actually just saw something, some sleep apnea technology.
Something was in the news.
Are you aware of this in your sleep apnea community?
Have they been talking about this?
It's been...
I've missed the last couple meetings, but I know there's a new piece of...
Well, there is something that...
It's a surgery and you...
It's like a button that they literally put inside of you that you press.
Oh, really?
And it starts the thing.
Is this what I saw?
I saw some article about this.
What it was?
It's like an electrical current to one of the muscles that like...
It's some weird...
It's terrifying...
It's locking this...
Yeah, the synaptic cleft.
Who's funding sleep apnea?
I mean, if we want to get technical, it is interlocking the synaptic stuff.
Research, you know?
Yeah.
What's that?
I said, who's funding the research for this, you know?
Like, we've already solved it with this machine.
It's like a bunch of the obese elites.
That are tired of...
They want to go camping without having to bring a portable CPAP, so...
Oh, okay.
I get that.
All right.
That makes sense.
But you don't need to be obese to have sleep apnea.
I've proven that.
I was going to say, dude...
I have fucking...
This is what I want to ask.
So, Alicia Keys is coming out in the Super Bowl.
Who would you guys be...
Who do you think is going to be a surprise?
You know, because we're recording this before the Super Bowl.
Who would you be so surprised to see pop out during the...
Because Alicia Keys, of course, she's going to be there, you know?
Right.
She's going to come out with the piano.
The piano is going to rise out from the bottom of the stage.
And she's going to say, New York!
Jay-Z's name.
If XXXTentacion comes out.
I've been chilling this whole time, making a crazy album.
And I'm no longer...
We're gone forever.
Right.
That would be cool if it was a whole bunch of them.
That would be quite shocking.
You're right.
Yeah.
Maybe the Toonami robot would really shock the fuck out of me, culturally.
Who would you be shocked by, Nate?
Space Ghost and Brack.
That's a good question, man.
Nate's one of Nate's parents.
That would probably freak me out.
Yeah.
If your parents came down.
Maybe somebody who just had no...
Just is now showing their musical ability, you know?
Somebody who you never would think could really dance and sing like that, you
know?
Oh, okay.
Like if Tiger Woods or something came out.
Tiger...
Oh, wow.
And he just had the voice of an angel.
That would be a pleasant surprise.
For once from him.
I get choked up.
What would you do if they're like, and right now we're bringing from some war-torn
nation
in Eastern Europe, I guess Ukraine.
One of the...
Yeah, like...
We are bringing out...
Gentlemen, I guess we got fucking...
Yeah.
And they bring out a Ukrainian soldier who just won the singing competition
that they have
in the army.
That I think would raise morale, probably.
And they walk out, and it's a carbon copy twin of you, Nate, but Ukrainian.
What would you do?
Looks just like your ass.
And it's wearing a Breathe Right strip.
And a Joy Tactics shirt.
But it's singing a Ukrainian kind of death hymn.
What would you do, man?
I love asking these questions.
I wouldn't be surprised.
Dude.
Would you go live on Instagram?
Because my DNA type, I feel like a clone of some sort.
I feel like there's a clone of me somewhere out there.
Because this DNA is just...
Why would you waste this on one single heaping?
It's too popping.
Yeah.
Do you know who Charlie...
I kind of...
No, go ahead.
Brown?
Chocolate Factory.
Yeah, I know him.
Do you know who Charlie of the Chocolate Factory is?
Yeah.
Never mind.
All right.
Save it for later.
Save it for what, Gary, Joy?
Because I know you're going to want to bring that up.
Six months from now, I'm going to slip it into a conversation.
It'll be a...
Okay.
That sneaky.
That's how I operate.
Wait, I just had something so amazing.
Something so fucking amazing.
Was it about food?
Was it about...
Come on, man.
Dig deep.
Ukraine.
Jimmy Neutron.
Oh, oh, oh.
Nate, you're saying how you wouldn't be surprised if there's a clone.
I think I'm getting up to a point in this life where I used to be...
When I was a kid, I was very afraid of Satan.
I was very afraid of ghosts.
I was afraid of the supernatural.
Or something being a little weird.
And I think even the last few years when simulation theory came to prominence
in the media, I was like, oh, God, this is so disturbing.
Recently, I'm kind of like, whatever, whatever.
Bring it, bring it on.
A little bit, bring it on.
I don't care.
I was at...
I was showering.
Huh?
Not necessarily death.
Even that, I'm fine with.
But just, like, if something really comes and cracks reality wide open, I'm...
You're ready.
I think I'm legit kind of ready because...
That's what Ursher's going to do tonight.
Oh, he's going to fucking b