Name: 55: People Want To Harm Us
Uploaded: 2024-02-19T12:00:39.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '55: People Want To Harm Us' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '55: People Want To Harm Us' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-02-19. Transcript available.

55: People Want To Harm Us

Bend that ass over, let that coochie breathe, and shake that ass for drink, and
shake that ass for me.
Welcome to Joy Tactics.
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous, and
meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger. Enjoy.
You're probably wondering, if you're watching on YouTube right now, well, there's
not three screens.
Just two.
There's two screens. Why is that? What's going on?
Did one of the members of Joy Tactics quit? Why is there only two screens?
They wish. Everybody wishes it was just two.
No, y'all aren't going to get that. We were having technical difficulties.
Jack and I are deep into our world tour of the Southeast.
Wait, it's not a world tour. It's in the world.
Yeah, I don't appreciate that from you, man.
There's a reason we didn't ask your ass to come out here, and it's definitely
not because we're already basically paying to do this tour.
No, we're not paying to do this tour.
We're not paying to do it, but we may end up owing money to the venues.
Yeah.
And there's no way around it. It's all good.
Well, we're investing in ourselves because I'm flying club promoters out from
all around the country to come kind of vet us.
Plus security guards.
Plus there are security guards.
Oh, yeah.
You guys don't need security.
No, we do.
No, no, no, no.
Because we tried not having security for a while in Brooklyn.
Right.
Because you know how they got Chris Redd?
That dude's just back and forth all up and down.
I mean, no, I'm not saying who.
I'm not saying who.
That was a random act of violence as far as I'm concerned.
But that dude, somebody's basically outside of our shows going back and forth
like an NPC outside of the fucking venue every single time.
You know what I'm saying?
But what I want to say is I don't want to discredit that there are people out
there that want to harm you.
I just think that you're letting these people that are security guards live
with you and they're not paying rent.
And it just seems like these people are just want free housing because they
aren't coming out to the shows.
They're not really like doing their jobs as security guards for you.
They're just kind of living for free on your couch.
And they're fun.
Maybe that's what it looks like from the outside.
But we picked the security guards that everybody else passed over.
We basically have hired the rooties of security guards who are basically they
look like jockeys.
They're about 120 pounds.
Remember that movie Rudy the Underdog?
No, but I met someone with that name once.
And we basically hired the Peaky Blinders looking like little guys.
And what you don't know is they've got knives lining all under their shirts and
pants.
That's right.
So yeah, just try to come shake our hands and see if you don't get sliced.
Yeah, because guess what?
And then you think you're going to beat them, right?
Oh, they're so small.
I'm going to just go tackle them.
Wrong.
But they're covered in knives head to toe.
So if you even touch them, you're going to get sliced out open like a pineapple
on a barbecue set.
So Nate, does that change your perspective at all and help you understand a
little bit where we're coming from when we say,
yeah, dude, we're spending exorbitant amounts of money on security guards who
are 4'1 British people?
What you're saying with the knives and such, that definitely does give me a
little bit different of a perspective on what I had thought previously about
this kind of business decision you guys made.
So yeah, I just need some time to think that shit.
And I know we're using your chunk of the Joy Tactics Patreon money to pay for
it.
But it's all.
Which I have no problem with.
Right.
I have no problem with that.
We are so fluid and so agreeable.
I'm just like, we're investing in ourselves is what you guys have convinced me
of.
Self-investments.
I haven't seen it kind of work out in the way that we're growing because of
this investment.
But a lot of the investments in yourself, you're not going to see for a long
time.
It's so funny, right?
What I've learned from your classes.
When you tell someone you're doing something right, you're saying, I'm going to
try to do this.
They're going to laugh at you after week one when you haven't become an all-star
in that thing that you've chosen to do, right?
Right.
Six months down the road, they're going to be looking at you.
They're going to be laughing at you because you still haven't made it, right?
A year down the road, two years, they're going to be laughing at you.
Ha ha, I told you you couldn't do it.
But we think in decades, not year, not moments.
You know what I'm saying?
So I'm laughing at them from the future because in three decades, we'll be
fucking laughing from the top of our money pile.
In 30 years, it's going to take a lot of tears.
Oh, because this is, by the way, I mean, I'm already laughing because 30 years
is when we'll be at the bank.
But you know when you laugh, right?
On the way to the bank.
All the way to the bank.
All the way to the bank.
Laughing on the way to the bank.
That's what I'm doing right now.
Can you imagine getting in your car as a kid and your mom and dad are laughing
all the way to the bank?
That would be so disturbing.
Another paycheck.
Yeah, that would be disturbing.
But, no, I can't fucking remember.
I'm having mental deterioration from traveling and touring so much.
Well, you're just giving so much.
I'm literally giving crazy amounts.
You're giving your energy out, too.
Literally two nights of shows, like, it's just, like, I have so much respect
for Jelly Roll and Taylor Swift.
Like, their schedules are so crazy.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And, yeah, maybe you notice a little salt stain right there for my sweat.
It's because I've been hitting the gym wearing my hat.
With the hat on?
Yeah.
And I got a haircut, Nate.
Nate, did you see the picture?
You got a hair.
Who got a haircut?
Look at Jack.
Look how lined up he got.
No, I saw.
That's what I commented on.
And I was like, I thought he had the, like, it was, like, buzz cut, like, on
the top.
But it was, you just kind of had, like, a fucked up, like, Zoom background when
I was first looking at it.
You want to see the picture that I...
It looks good.
You want to see the picture that I gave the guy?
Oh, this is hilarious.
Oh, for real?
You gave him that?
Hey, did you really show him that?
Yeah, I did.
Did he laugh?
Well, he did laugh.
He didn't laugh.
They weren't...
This wasn't a safe place for somebody who's not a hipster.
I'm not a hipster, but somebody who...
Cultured.
Is cultured city-wise.
This was basically...
This guy was 65 years old.
He'd been doing hair for 40 years.
There was...
Oh, that's what you wanted.
It smelled, like, cigarettes in there.
The old-timey.
His little nephew was up in there in a Ricky Bobby shirt, just, like, pacing
back and forth all crazy,
talking shit about his girlfriend.
And this guy had...
The barber had a bug on the back of his neck the whole cut.
So he kept going, damn, what's that on my neck?
Every time he'd try and do something, and then...
But that's how you know they got the good cuts.
Because look at me now.
I'm getting paper.
Damn.
Yeah.
So come down.
If you're ever in Raleigh, North Carolina, go wherever that place is if you
want to get a lineup.
Nice.
Yeah.
I'm shouting out local businesses.
We're just giving back, man.
This is crazy.
We've been hitting southern food in such a crazy way.
First day, would we get chicken Caesar salads, Diet Cokes.
What did we have for lunch yesterday?
Indian food.
Yeah.
You got to try the SAG paneer.
And you get the 1 p.m. SAG paneer eating challenge here, down here in Raleigh,
North Carolina.
You can't get that in New York.
No, sir.
So you guys are basically touring to explore other cuisines outside of New York
City.
Yeah.
It's because when you get to the top of a...
Like, right now, I'd say we're at the top of the New York scene.
Yeah.
Like, almost undoubtedly.
Yeah.
And when you get to the top, it's weirdly lonely.
Where it's like, that's where you always thought you wanted to be, right?
Well, guess what?
Right.
The girls are even afraid to go there because they're so scared of you.
And even the guys, too.
So when you're at the top, it's a lonely...
I feel bad for kings and queens.
Is that not...
So, yeah.
Let's get out of our comfort zone a little bit.
We'll go be just, you know...
We'll go to the bottom.
Because these places are the bottom, man.
There's no way around it.
I mean, I'm trying to have fun.
The South is so pathetic.
It's really...
I can't believe I made it out.
I'm surprised they let us get out.
It's really tough down here.
As soon as you get below the Mason-Dixon line, it's literally like gravity is
10 times stronger
here somehow.
The food is 10 times harder to swallow somehow.
Life is not easy.
People are out here.
They talk about how New York City is crime-infected.
Have you guys seen those ads for those, if you live alone, like the choking
suction cup?
Like, you just put the thing and it sucks it out your mouth?
Yeah, I've seen that.
You can put, like, it looks like an oxygen mask, kind of, in, like, a tube.
And you, like, get a lot of the air pressure in there and you suck the blocker
out of your throat.
Yeah, I've seen that.
It's if you ever are choking on a piece of food.
And you're alone and no one's there to do the heimlich.
No one's there to suck it out of your mouth for you with their mouth.
They have that for dogs, dude.
That's something my mom would buy.
Like, I know exactly.
That's probably selling, like, fucking hotcakes, dude.
Oh, dude, especially in China where people, more people are living alone lifestyles
than ever.
Maybe that's Japan.
I'm just constantly impressed in all of your knowledge of Chinese living
standards.
I have my finger on the pulse.
Just how they fun.
Yeah.
We got to go to, I think we have to, before it all unfolds, before Taiwan
becomes the most hottest war zone of all time between the East and the West,
we have to do Joy Tactics Rural China Tour with fucking, we're going to get the
freshest translators that have the most sexiest voices going there,
crush for all of the industrial workers, farmers.
Wouldn't you get jealous of the translator getting the laughs?
Because you would say the thing, hey, what's up, guys?
Have you guys been here?
And then the translator is going to say it, and then they're laughing at the
translator, right?
Yeah.
So you're not even getting that immediate feedback.
It's like a delay.
And I would get kind of jealous of them basically getting the laugh.
You know what I'm saying?
That's a good point.
And they have that timing, too, so maybe they're fucking up the jokes.
I basically don't need any more fuel to, like, you know, add to the fire of my
hatred for computers.
That would be probably the final straw where I'd fucking go take that.
That's not a computer.
Oh, I thought it was a human being.
Oh, you're talking about a human being translator?
A real translator.
Oh, I thought you were talking about a computer translator.
No, I thought you were going to say your hatred for...
No, I love translators.
No, no, I would never say I hate a person unless they're racist.
What if it was your mom was racist?
Would you hate them or would you help them?
Let's talk off the podcast.
All right.
By the way, speaking of technology, you guys have seen the OpenAI's new Sora.
Oh, the video AI.
Oh, no, what is that?
It's a video.
You haven't seen this, dude?
No.
It's the videos one, right?
I'm not...
Yeah, yeah.
It's text to video.
And I don't know if they're like...
Lying.
Yeah, I don't know if they're lying or what's going on.
But the text to video, the examples that they've given, I'm not kidding.
They are indistinguishable from real life.
Like, it's like gray-haired guy on a train and it's like a 4K video of an old
guy on a train.
Like, it doesn't even look like a digital rendering.
We are screwed.
Can I be serious?
Like, I'm not trying to 