Name: Secrets | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 64
Uploaded: 2024-04-15T11:00:26.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Secrets | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 64' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Secrets | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 64' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-04-15. Transcript available.

Secrets | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 64

Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous, and
meeting as many
celebrities as humanly possible. Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger.
Enjoy.
Keep it secret. Keep it safe. Be quiet. Keep it on the low. Keep this next
thing on the hush. It's a secret.
Hey guys, it's a secret episode. That is going to blow people's fucking... That
is going to kill somebody right there.
This is someone's first episode, no question, and they just hit us off forever.
I swear to God, I'm so sorry, because I know somebody turned up their volume
all the way.
I'm so sorry.
Well, that's fun. That's the first secret about this episode.
Yeah, I'll take care of it.
So, today we're discussing the issue of secrets.
Why do we need to have them? What's the function?
Because not everyone can handle it. You can't handle the truth.
Remember that one from Tropic Gun, right?
Right.
What does that mean?
Well, I'd like to take everybody back to a wonderful movie starring Mr. Ricky Gervais
called The Invention of Lying.
Now, this movie, this man, I forget the plot, but essentially,
he ends up in the dimension of reality to where no one has invented lying yet.
So, he's like, damn, I have a superpower where I can just lie to people and get
away with it
because they don't understand that you could say something not untrue.
Right.
And they don't even know what secrets are, really.
And I can tell you why.
And you would think that would be a utopia, right?
It turns out it's a hell hole and lying is a core part of human nature.
And that's how we get ahead.
So, Gervais is not afraid to take you into deep and horrifying waters
and show you some of the most fucked up shit in the world, bitch.
Damn.
Eric, you're writing a biography for Ricky Gervais?
I'm right.
This one's authorized.
The Dax Shepard one is unauthorized biography.
This one is very authorized.
I'm in close contact.
I'm paying him to do it, but I appreciate it.
He's going to give me a stake in Gervais' world when that opens up at the Gervais'
theme park.
The Ricky Gervais' theme park.
Gervais' flags.
It's going to be some of the biggest rides in the world,
rides that don't move around much,
but they make you question your reality and make you question authority as well.
Right.
Every ride is also him killing a different deity.
Right.
This couldn't exist.
You're so stupid.
You fools.
Ricky Gervais, come on, this fucking shit.
How would God make criminals?
Massage that neck of that big neck of his.
Oh, yeah.
Extra luscious.
Extra shea butter.
The invention of lying.
You know why he lies?
Why, man?
Because his busted old mind.
Mom is dying in the hospital bed.
And he says,
Mama,
when we die,
I swear we're going to be together again.
Because he's too afraid
to admit the truth,
which all of us atheists know for a fact.
That there's nothing after this shit, dude.
That's it.
Lights out.
Hope you had fun.
That's it.
That's all you get.
Welcome to oblivion.
You paid for one ticket.
The end of the ride is over.
Death has come.
And what did you do?
You wasted it on hand and knee,
kissing the toes of some fake god
that doesn't even exist.
When you could have been out there
smoking cigarettes.
Kissing and effing.
On the bluff.
Right.
Kissing and effing.
Crying.
And how long did you wait in line
for this fucking experience?
Dude, you waited four billion years
to get one little...
This is the life that you waited for?
You fool.
You fool.
You fool.
So, make sure you're not that guy
when you fucking die.
Or woman.
They should make a movie called
The Invention of None.
You know what I'm talking about?
It's Nate in the lab
figuring out how to jerk it
for the first time
or writing calculations.
Yeah.
Crazy beakers exploding.
You've been suspiciously quiet.
Well, because I'm thinking.
I'm thinking about
a very powerful topic.
Okay.
What is it?
Secrets.
That is secrets.
But I was thinking about
a secret is almost
tied to your perspective.
Now, why did I think that?
Because we're bringing up
gods and deities.
Okay?
I don't fucking know.
Okay.
Does God have secrets?
Of course.
A secret can't even...
You can't even hold
a secret from God.
Okay?
So, God knows
all of your secrets, right?
Right.
But does God have secrets?
He definitely, most definitely does
because if God told you
the truth of everything,
if the real nature of reality
was revealed to you
by God himself or herself,
as I like to think,
you would be blinded to death
and you wouldn't be able
to understand it.
So, yeah, he has to hold some of...
Or she has to hold
some of those things
close to the chest,
secret style,
for your benefit.
If you were at...
It's called the most benevolent
white lie that ever existed,
the lie of reality.
That's a secret.
That is a beautiful,
beautiful one.
I love that secret,
but it's not a secret.
Cat's out of the bag.
Cat's out of the bag, bitch.
If you were at,
you know,
a diner
off the highway
on a road trip
somewhere in Pennsylvania
with G-O-D
eating some hush puppies,
he could
or she
could say some things
at that diner
to you
in one second
that would make you
basically flip out
and start tripping crazy.
The power of sentences.
Imagine tripping mentally
from just a secret,
hearing a secret.
Getting high out.
That's probably what
this podcast is like.
It's like
incredible doses
of sentences.
If I told you guys
I've been running
a black ops program
for my house,
drawing style,
making millions of dollars
on the mercenary market,
and I told you guys
that over some french fries
and ketchup,
yeah,
you guys would start
to trip.
I would literally start
yeah,
just partying
and putting music on.
Oh,
one time,
so high, man.
Speaking of diners
in Pennsylvania,
we were driving
to Chicago
and we pulled off
to get some diner food
and one of the diners
in town,
the only diner
in this goddamn town
was called
Puke Diner.
No, man.
I'm not kidding you, dude.
I'm not kidding you.
P-U-K-E,
Puke.
And they had a fridge
and we parked
and we were going to go in
but then we just thought,
nah,
because they had a fridge
in there.
You know,
they have those,
what they call fridges
where they keep
cold beverages.
Refrigerators.
Right.
Yeah,
what they call refrigerators.
And out of those,
they were selling
Mad Dog 2020.
The hot sauce.
At the diner.
Can you imagine
getting some MD 2020?
Or maybe it's just called
Mad Dog 20.
I don't know.
Remember that shit?
That's a good day
for some people.
Oh, of course.
Oh, my God.
Eating some fucking
scrambled eggs,
some hash browns.
And some Mad Dog.
Get a couple of them
Mad Dog 2020.
Get the great
Mad Dog 2020.
Get the fucking
the late night
fucking
what is that called?
Welding.
Doing the late shift.
You know what I'm saying?
Drunk as fuck.
Your eyes are just
burning out of your
fucking skull.
Making amazing
fucking vegan salary.
Listening to Joy Tactics
on the Skullcandies.
$110,000 a year.
More money than
any of us could ever imagine.
Skullcandies.
The Rasta.
Rastafarian colored
Skullcandies.
I had those.
And I would wear them
when I went snowboarding.
And I fell.
It would fall so many times.
So what's funny is...
With the iPod mini.
Yeah.
That's a secret.
I never told you guys.
So is that a secret?
Because I held that...
One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Eric's back in.
You stopped recording.
Okay.
Oh, hell no.
We're using the Zoom recording.
That's what I just learned.
Eric's back in just like that.
Okay.
And so what's funny is
does God have secrets?
I'll tell you what.
This is an interesting discussion
because can a secret exist in the woods
if somebody says a secret to themselves
to a tree in the woods?
Is it a secret anymore?
See where I'm going with this.
Of course I see where you're going with this.
If God knows everything,
then everything you don't know
is a secret of God.
But that brings it back
right interestingly,
in a sense,
back to the conversation
which we are just discussing
of what qualifies something
to be a secret.
Is it the person who hears it?
Do they have to get their mind blown
from the back enough
to see it as a secret?
Or can it just be anything?
Yo, Eric,
I had a LaCroix today.
Oh, did you?
That's just information.
Or is that new information?
That's a new information.
A secret needs to be something
that can ruin your life.
That can damage someone
or benefit them.
Yes.
I see.
That's it.
I have a secret birthday cake for you.
Yeah.
And this is what I want to say.
Sometimes secrets,
you withhold information
because you want to protect
the other person.
That's right.
You don't want them
knowing this information.
Even though you want to be truthful,
they should know this information.
They should know
all this stuff
that would ruin their life.
But you don't want to tell them
because you don't have the heart.
And you don't want to see them
spiral out of control.
That's what Democrats
don't understand about Joe Biden.
Oh, he's so quiet at his speeches.
He's not giving us information.
Why is he not saying anything?
Whenever Joe Biden stammers
and stutters,
just know that
the sentence that went
through his head
that he almost just said
would cause
another global meltdown
financially worse
that would make the frickin'
what happened in the 30s.
That would make the Great Depression
look like the Great British Bake Off.
Okay?
Because the depression
that would hit the United States
after Joe Biden set the secrets
that he knows
and the reasons,
the things that he's doing
to protect us.
He's constantly on the verge
of holding back the truth
about why aliens
come to invade us.
The reality is...
The white aliens.
You guys haven't seen
the second term Biden
when he doesn't have...
Oh, shit.
You know he's playing
by the rules right now, right?
You're in for a scare.
That's right.
Second term.
Biden.
Oh, when Joe Biden's
in the lame duck era
of his presidency.
Oh, I'm just chilling.
Just you wait.
He's about to drop
some crazy goatee diet.
He's probably been dead
for a hundred years.
He's got some weights to it
and like fucking fishing weights.
Get up piercing in his eyebrow.
Oh, shit.
And it's gonna be all infected
and he's gonna just deny
any sort of like hospital treatment
or anything on that.
Any sort of...
Spitting teeth out.
Sterilization.
He announces he's bisexual
and has been for a minute.
And he has the cure
and he swallowed it.
They invented the pill
for bisexuality curing
and he swallowed it
but he put it not...
He breathed it in rather
so he can't.
Basically, he got rid of it.
He just...
It's rattling around
in his lungs.
Yeah.
It's shaking his lungs
never to be...
You have to kill him
to get the cure.
And him and Pete hook up.
Him and Pete Davidson.
Oh, a different Pete.
Pete Holmes.
Pete Holmes, man.
Yeah.
I could see that.
I could see that.
Yeah, like the
White House Correspondents Dinner.
If you're a White House Correspondent,
shut the fuck up.
I'm tired of your asses
up there in the pit.
Just stop.
Either get your act together
or just stop
because you're disrespecting
the president.
You're disrespecting
the whole country
with your fake little questions.
We see how you behave, dude.
It's not chill.
It's not right.
Get your act together.
And please go on the Google...
The Joy Tactics Google Doc.
You remember this moment
at the White House Correspondent Center
when a...
Just a...
A reality show host
was sitting in the audience
and just enjoying himself.
Who, Trump?
And what happened...
Yes.
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
Donald Trump
was sitting in the audience
and who decided to
try to poke fun at him
was Barack...
Was it...
Motherfucking Obama.
Oh, you fool.
Obama, really?
He was talking shit.
They thought that they were
grossing each other.
It was all in good fun.
Nope.
I think Obama
secretly sucks.
Why would you say that?
Why would you say that, bitch?
Why?
Take it back now
or you're off.
Or you're off, dude.
Why?
I don't want to have to
hide my politics
from you guys anymore.
I'm more progressive
than you could imagine.
I roast every president
no matter what they look like.
Holy shit.
That's incredible,
impressive, sexy as wel