Name: Gambling Addict Confronted by Two Bosnian Personal Trainers | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep67
Uploaded: 2024-05-06T11:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gambling Addict Confronted by Two Bosnian Personal Trainers | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep67' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Gambling Addict Confronted by Two Bosnian Personal Trainers | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep67' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-05-06. Transcript available.

Gambling Addict Confronted by Two Bosnian Personal Trainers | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep67

Disclaimer, if you or anybody you know is addicted to gambling or has an issue
with gambling problems, go to www.patreon.com slash joytactics for a community
of people that are like-minded and want to encourage your behavior.
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous, and
meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger. Enjoy.
All right, this is The Gambling Files. It's something we've been skirting
around and we've been avoiding talking about for a very long time, even though
we've been to Atlantic City and talked about it.
Oh, we should have had a gambling bets that you could make on the Joy Tactics,
this episode.
Oh, okay, that's a good one.
And we get a certain percentage. We get a cut off the top of every bet, place,
just for facilitating.
This is how a businessman thinks.
Okay?
Not a gambling man, a businessman.
No, no. Because the best casino owners never get high off their own supply.
They get high off of business deals, not off of roulette.
Okay?
I'm not a gambling man, I'm gambling man.
See what I'm saying?
Wow.
I'm not a businessman, I'm a business, sir.
Wow.
So, let's talk about, maybe let's get everybody in on this.
How did this come about?
Why is it so relevant to speak on?
Is it because life is a gamble?
Is it because you won the lottery by being the correct semen molecule?
No.
It's because of a personal model.
By the way, you all did.
Well.
Everybody listening won that damn lottery.
The consciousness lottery.
Some of the molecules ended up as worms and even as trees and dandelions.
So, you better count your lucky stars that you can, huh?
You're saying that a semen molecule turned into, I don't think that's
scientific.
A semen couldn't turn into a worm, dude.
Oh, you're saying pre-semen.
No, once consciousness.
Oh, you're saying, wow.
Once again, I'm about four steps ahead of you guys.
No, I'm talking about all molecules.
Okay, so what people don't talk about is, this is very interesting, sir.
What people don't talk about is, right, winning the sperm lottery of getting
out the nuts.
But what comes before that, and I apologize for speaking crudely, but what
comes before
that is the molecule of consciousness going into the, even into that pool.
So, there's many.
Correct.
Even getting into that nut pool.
That's right.
I know.
To get into the nut pool from the cosmic pool is already.
That's right.
Exactly.
So, you think there's a button in the pre-kind of primordial, like, sort of ethos
of heaven,
and whatever exists before this life, we're just balls of consciousness.
We press a button.
Mosquito.
And they're like, fuck.
Are you kidding me, dude?
That's right.
Are you kidding me, bro?
Sperm.
And then you're like, oh, shit.
I might have a chance.
I might have a chance.
Yeah, right.
One in fucking 500 trillion times.
Five million.
Sperm.
Oh, sperm.
Sperm.
Fucking pelican.
Oh, no, no, no.
Go again.
Not a pelican.
No, you don't want to be there.
Oh, but I bet.
They have eggs.
I bet pelican's pretty high up on the fucking list.
You know what I mean?
Because what?
You could be a rock.
And if you're a rock, bro, you have to wait until.
Bro, rocks don't have consciousness, dude.
And if you believe that, we are in for a debate.
Careful, careful, dude.
You need to be careful about this.
All matter is consciousness.
You know what I mean?
Oh, I have a very, very.
You realize this is conscious, right?
Well, everything is.
All molecules of the universe experiencing itself, of course.
Looking at itself in the mirror, checking itself out.
The Sagan.
Say it again?
Carl Sagan.
Carl Sagan said that.
Right.
He's very smart to have said that, too, before he went.
But what I'm saying is, no, I got this.
I got this.
Fuck.
This is crucial.
Come on.
What was it?
What was it?
Dig, dig.
Please keep going, dude.
Push.
This podcast, people are saying it's slipping, dude.
No, no, it's not slipping.
A slip up is a slip back for a slip.
Wait, what?
I'm so sad about this, man.
It was a pretty fun one to talk about.
A slip up is a set up for a slip back?
A slip up is a slip back for a slip.
Slipping on him?
All right.
So what I'm saying, can we do it where we recap what we just said 12 seconds
ago?
Yeah.
Yeah.
We were talking about the gambling, and then we talked about the ultimate
gamble, which
is the consciousness lottery, and how we are all winning off the bat.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
Off the bat.
I'm sorry to scream.
Okay.
But I just remembered what my question was for you guys.
Yes, please.
What the fuck is a rock?
Because when people say rock, does clay count as a rock?
Does granite count as a rock?
Like when I see a rock, like what the fuck is that?
You know what I'm saying?
What is that?
Is rock a...
Well, all right.
How do I break this down for you, dude?
You know what a mineral is, right?
Yeah.
I put them in my amino water.
Why?
And Eric, I want to apologize to you real quick, because I once saw you reading
a fifth
grade geology book, and I said, how is this ever going to pay off for you?
I don't understand why you're reading this, and why you're studying this, and
it's just
like...
But I just want to formally apologize to you, because I know what you're about
to say is
going to really pay off.
Your studies have been paying off.
It's a slip back.
Buying like a red flyer wagon full of like fifth grade books, and like just
studying.
Highlighting them all, like really grinding, just learning.
And, oh wait, I just want to say this about consciousness right now.
There's a bug that I almost just squished.
It's walking right towards my laptop.
I don't want it to go into the infrastructure with the microchips, but I don't
want to kill
it after this conversation, because Lord knows these bugs are only around for
so long.
These molecules could have waited 400 million years, and that's, by the way,
baby shit for
the universe, to become that bug.
So I'm not fucking ending that life.
Let the bugs live.
But rocks...
Okay, so minerals basically coalesce, and different types of minerals will then
form something called
a rock.
Don't bullshit with me right now.
Let me give you guys...
If you don't know, just say you don't know.
Let me say a couple words right now.
Sedimentary.
Metamorphic.
Ignatius.
Ignatius.
That's three words to describe.
Volcanic.
Volcanic.
Ash.
That's all fucking adjectives for me.
Sedentary.
Sedimentary rocks.
Sedentary.
Sedimentary rocks are the rocks that are a coagulation of sand and dirt,
basically.
If I could put it into a simple terms for the layman's out there.
Interesting.
Now, I could go into the deep molecular geometric structures of these objects,
but I'm not going
to.
Of course.
We all could, but it's just like, for the sake of the podcast, let's just keep
it high
level.
All right.
So all we did is...
All right.
So let's get back to the topic at hand.
So why we're discussing...
Gambling.
Gambling.
G-A-M-B-L-I-N-G is because Nate and I just did some of that financially.
And this is a very good strategy.
So if you live in Pennsylvania, West Virginia, New Jersey, Connecticut, or
Michigan, you have
the ability to play blackjack and casino games and slot machines on your phone
right
now.
Oh, and I'm just learning.
Wow.
This is a perfect chance for me to get a referral code.
Nate.
So to use my DraftKings.
Nate.
Right.
Because that's what happened.
Jack gave me his DraftKings referral.
And I got a hundred bucks just to...
Once I put in five.
And dude, I just got basically like a hundred...
I'm up 117 bucks.
It's basically free money.
It's literally free money, dude.
And there's no downsides.
And it will never go south.
It will never turn into an addiction.
Ever.
No, it couldn't.
If you do it this way.
And what we did on top of that is...
So we said, okay, we're going to Philadelphia.
We do...
Okay, let's get breakfast.
Oh, shit.
I spent $18 on breakfast at Starbucks and getting hand sanitizer.
That's nothing.
Okay, guess what?
That's nothing.
Hit the blackjack.
Make it back.
Okay, what's for lunch?
Beep and bop.
20 bucks.
Play the blackjack.
Play for it.
Beep and bop.
20 bucks.
Boom.
We're eating.
Okay, what do you want to do?
Go on the roller rink.
That's going to be 20 bucks.
Play blackjack for it on your phone.
Why isn't every single state like this?
I just can't see why not.
DraftKings.
DraftKings.
DraftKings is what I'm trying to find my...
I'm trying to beat you guys to the punch for.
Can you do it in Cali?
Is it...
I know you can do sports, but can you do like the blackjack shit?
No, I just...
Nah, you can't, dude.
So what I'm saying is, you know what, though?
Let's just...
You don't need our codes.
Just do yourselves a favor.
Right.
And do that, and then you have a free ability, $100, to upgrade your tier
membership.
It's that simple.
I'm just saying, like, if you're in one of those states, like, just do the...
So you know somebody who's fucking addicted to gambling.
Get them to give you their referral code.
So that's me.
All you gotta do is put five bucks in.
Okay, so Nate, let me ask you this.
How much more fun was I to hang out with when you could do nothing to get me
off of my phone?
I honestly didn't even see you.
You were...
It was like talking to a wall, you know?
Like, it was so...
It was like I was not even aware.
When Jack and I were in Philly, we had to...
About a month ago now, we did our show.
We went to the casino.
We still had to drive back to New York that night.
It was getting close to midnight.
It's a two-hour drive back.
And I was saying, we had spent about an hour at the casino.
I'm saying, Jack, come on.
Let's go, man.
He's white-knuckling the fucking roulette table.
What you don't realize is how close you are.
It's so foolish to leave while you're down.
That's the only way to lose.
The only people who leave are gambling are the people who quit.
Okay?
You keep going.
You're still in the running.
What do they say?
Yeah.
So when you...
It just feels so foolish to ever leave a casino when I'm looking at these
machines,
especially the slot machines, and I'm analyzing, oh, this is what the mini is.
This is what the major is, right?
These are the bonuses.
Yeah.
This one's about to pop.
I can see it right now.
Oh, my God.
I'm pushing people out of the way, trying to get in here.
I'm using all my limbs and different extenders to try and hit multiple machines
at once and
just spin, spin, spin.
This is what I've noticed, and I'm going to do this right now.
I'm going to ask you a question, Jack, and you're going to prove my theory
correct, and
I know you are.
I'm going to ask you this question, and all you have to do is simply answer the
question.
Honestly, or do you want me to fuck with you?
No, you just have to, wherever your brain goes to, when I ask you this question,
you have
to just answer whatever your brain tells you to say, okay?
So, I'm going to ask you, over the course of your life, how much are you up or
down, just
in terms of gambling?
It's tough to calculate just how far into the green I am, but...
So, you just proved my theory correct.
God damn it.
Everybody who gambles is like, gambles regularly, is just down.
It's just down.
Just hold on, hold on.
They're all down, and immediately, when you ask this question, they pivot, and
they say,
well, I was actually up, like...
No, you're fucking down 11 grand, and just say it.
And they can't...
They just say, like, well, last week, I actually...
What's funny is, being down 11 grand is a setup for being up.
That's the first thing they say, and then I have to pry them.
No, no, no, no, no.
I asked you, over the course of your life, how much are you up or down?
All right, let me really go through every single one.
This is Nate on the fucking street question.
And you don't have to answer this.
I just went.
I'm in the corner, by the way, in Manhattan, screaming about gambling.
If you take out...
Get rid of the $500 that I lost on an Antigua and Barbuda website.
Okay?
That doesn't count.
Get rid of the other $50