Name: Cream | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 78
Uploaded: 2024-07-29T10:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cream | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 78' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Cream | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 78' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-07-29. Transcript available.

Cream | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 78

What is cream?
Somebody turns it off immediately.
This is their first time.
This is their first time listening to a Joy Tactics ever.
Welcome to Joy Tactics.
The podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous,
and meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger.
Enjoy.
Victor, shut it off immediately.
Skip.
No.
Nope.
We got the head gum producers and execs all sitting around a giant conferencing
table.
What is cream?
Get the fuck out.
Get the fuck out.
But really, what is cream?
Well, what is a cream versus what is cream?
Cream is a liquidous substance that, I don't know,
does it have to come from something?
Or can the cream exist right away?
Let's start with shaving cream.
Okay.
Wow.
And don't you want to eat that shit?
Every time you squirt that shit out, don't you want to take a lick?
God damn.
I've never used it.
Is that wrong?
Oh, dude.
When I used to be all clean shaven, which I will be bringing back.
Well, you still are downstairs.
For the award ceremonies.
That's what I hear.
Oh, downstairs?
Yeah.
It's fucking, I keep that shit ingrown.
You know what I mean?
It's all, every single follicle is ingrown.
Man, I shave, like, the wrong way.
But, what were you saying?
Oh, yeah, you got to try shaving cream, dude.
Oh, thanks, man.
Oh, but don't eat it.
Okay.
Shaving cream, sour cream.
Whipped cream.
Oh, yeah, whipped.
So, it's not a liquid.
It's not a sauce.
It's not a spread.
Well, what about this?
The cream of the crop.
Oh, him?
Oh, he's the cream of the crop.
What's that mean?
Because if there's a cream in your crops, you might not want to pick them.
Well, unless your crop is milk.
Then it's a drink.
Right, right, right.
Well, I just want to say, I just want to say, both of you guys, in my mind, are
cream of the crop.
Because I only hang out with people who are that.
You see what I'm saying?
Can I say something even more?
Yeah.
You guys are the cream and the crop.
Oh.
Wow.
Because we've still got grassroots.
We will always be grassrooted in that sense, so to speak.
I'm getting joy right away from this one.
Well, here.
Oh, go ahead.
Go ahead.
I was just going to say, like, I'm interested in cream, of course, but you know
what I like more than, I guess what I'm more interested in in this topic is the
descriptor of creamy.
Do you like it?
Creamy?
Of course, well, okay, interesting.
I wasn't going to go there, dude.
Creamy.
Look at Jack's feet.
Describing things as creamy?
Jack is in the fucking six-year-old fucking.
I got the Stephen Hawking legs a little bit.
Where's the meat?
Don't say, well, he's passed on.
You can't roast him, but he was a cheater.
We're all going to pass on.
But he was a cheater.
He cheated?
Yeah, bro.
Imagine that.
No.
I'm not going to.
Can I get it all creamy?
Can you cream on Stephen Hawking?
All right, all right, all right.
Please.
You definitely could.
You definitely could.
Do you like it creamy?
Wait, you like it creamy, right?
That's what you're.
You guys, please.
All right, but pull it back.
Pull it back.
Back to dairy.
Why is that so funny?
This is also a dissection of big dairy, which we have been encouraged not to
discuss by our
many representatives.
Don't bring up the dairy industry.
Well, well, well.
How are you going to silence us now that we were ever even more famous?
Yeah, and it's cows versus the nut, because you look at what's happening with
almond milk,
oat milk, milk.
Cashew milk.
Cashew milk.
What's next?
Coconut milk.
Ham milk, dude.
No, they got coconut milk.
They've had that for a minute.
Well, God made that, and it's water and milk at the same time.
So, there's a war going on between cow and nut.
And nut.
Which side are you on?
Dude, well, based on cuteness, a certain type of cow could be so cute, by the
way.
Oh.
I know we just talked about cows with Joe Pera, but, so I don't want to get
into the milking
technicalities about it, because we already kind of discussed that, but.
Yeah.
I will say, cuteness-wise, yeah, certain cows got it going on like that.
Oh, my God.
A cat named, or not cat, a cow named Molly walking up to you and needing a rub
on the neck.
Gotcha, girl.
Why do I feel like a cow?
Then you gotta get rid of her and eat her.
Why do I feel like a cow could really take a fucking hard smack?
Nate.
Like, if you smacked it on the side, like, whoop, I feel like they wouldn't
even do anything.
Like, they would just be still standing there.
Well, but you can't speak their leg.
I'm not condoning smacking a cow, all right?
Obviously.
No, I bet they like a big, fat pad on the rear, but the side.
I feel like they're just so chunky, they feel like you could really just, whoop,
like, give
them a fucking.
You don't mean in the head.
You don't mean in the head.
A slap, a slap.
You mean in the head?
I think you mean on their rear, aka their.
I'm saying, like, on their fucking rear.
No, you mean on the side.
You mean on the rib.
Not on the face.
I'm not saying smack.
Yeah, exactly.
Or on the back.
Even on the back.
Just on that, that, that beefy part, you know?
Let me go, why don't you, why don't you, because words matter.
Why don't you say a big, hearty pat instead of a slap?
That word doesn't.
No, because that's not what I meant.
A slap means in the face, man.
I didn't mean a hearty pat.
You know what a hearty pat is.
Hey, good job, junior.
That's what you give me to fucking t-ball players, dude.
I'm talking about a wind-up fucking smack.
You imagine smacking a stegosaurus like that?
That beast could handle that.
That's what I'm saying.
They could handle, like, a crazy-ass slap.
I bet a hippo could take a nice slap.
I just think they light, it would probably feel good, you know?
Like, it wouldn't even hurt them.
Well, have you seen them release the gas from a cow?
They literally pop a, puncture a hole in its side into one of its four stomachs.
You know they got four stomachs?
And you thought that was just me that had that many.
Why do they have four?
Is it for cud?
They don't do that, do they?
Oh, yeah.
They cut out every night.
Really?
Yep.
Okay.
It's free kimchi.
What are you talking about, they release gas?
I'll send you one of the disturbing videos.
What religion is that?
They literally slice the cow open sometimes to release gas.
They, like, put a needle in it, and they release methane.
We had that happen to somebody's ear.
One of our friend's ears did that recently.
Who, Ruby?
I'm not going to say who.
Yeah, it was Ruby.
But that was for heat.
That was to lower her body temperature.
Well, they sliced the top of her ears off to release heat from her,
which makes very much sense to me.
And look at what happened to Trump.
To Trump.
Notice how much more free he's looking lately.
Right, he's not sweaty.
I just watched him play an amazing golf game.
Hmm.
The bastard piece of shit.
20 club.
How many club championships?
Oh, my God.
Oh, bro.
They're countless at this point, buddy.
But we don't rock with him.
Don't get the impression that we will rock with him politically.
Kamala would smoke him on the golf course.
I bet you, weirdly, I bet you Kamala could swing that thing like a helicopter.
Oh, I bet she has good golf game.
Kamala, can you swing that thing?
Wow.
No joke, that came out of me in a way.
That was involuntary.
That was involuntary, what I just said.
That's really good.
I have no memory of saying that.
It just kind of poured out.
You go into a higher register, too.
Kamala, can you swing that thing?
Kamala, can you swing that thing?
I know she can.
Realistically, not even joking.
Oh, my God.
She, wow.
Oh, man.
She is the moment right now.
Kamala is our future.
She is the coconut tree.
Do not.
Right.
Oh, I do love that.
I do like it when I hear that quote, because I'm like, I think in that same
type of speaking
pattern.
That's very, I think, us-coded.
Yeah.
What is it again?
You resist in the context.
What did you just fall out of a coconut tree?
She doesn't laugh.
Now, this is, I love this.
You resist in the context.
The context.
That's kind of hard.
I always think that that's where the sentence ends.
You exist in the context.
You exist in the context.
Stop.
Stop now.
Can you imagine, if we were all politicians, how much raw clips they could make
out of
us looking like fucking idiots?
It would be damn near endless.
From Joy Tactics?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This shit is hidden.
And if any of us ever blow up, no one, this is a private sort of Mason-like
community.
There's a reason why it stays this size and it's plateaued.
It's found its followers.
What were we talking about?
No one will ever see this.
Oh, yeah.
You know what I'm hearing recently about politicians?
What?
What?
Politicians, yeah.
Politics, yeah.
You mean Hollywood for ugly people.
Wow.
Wow.
So, who's Matt Gaetz?
Oh, in the real Hollywood?
Who's that man?
Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
You, bitch.
Wow.
You know he's an air-based, he's an altitude-based pedophile.
So, that means I'm on TV.
Here's what.
Did you guys see the clip of Gerald Ford?
Getting it down.
Which one?
Throwing it down all naked.
No, no.
This was some sort of press conference in the 70s, and a child, a little girl,
asked him,
will there ever be a female president?
And he said, the first female president will not be elected on her own.
It will be an older president that is stepping down or will likely die.
Oh, my God.
And then, the vice president will, who is a female vice president, will move up
to become
the president.
So, in a way.
What else did he predict?
Gerald Ford.
Nostradamus.
Nostradamus.
A sort of time traveler.
Gerald Ford.
Just quite curious and interesting, I would say.
And he invented the T-Mobile.
And he was sassy.
Oops.
Gerald Ford?
Oh, hell yeah.
Hello, Gerald.
Come on in.
Gerald.
I got your favorite cigars here.
Why don't you come suck a time?
Hi, Gerald.
Good morning, Gerald.
Gerald likes cream, I bet.
You know he was getting that.
Oh, he likes it creamy.
Is he gone?
Oh, yeah.
No, no.
There is a line.
With presidents, like, there's always a line.
With presidents, that's right.
And it's like, yeah, I draw that.
I draw that shit right there.
Gerald Rudolph.
Middle name Rudolph.
That's reindeer.
What does he know?
Gerald Ford.
You think he was given the alien brief?
Most definitely.
Are you kidding me?
Well, he died in Rancho Mirage, California.
No coincidence, is it?
Oh, he was a bit fugly with it, frankly, actually.
Not fugly, but just real.
Fugly?
Look at him playing football.
He looks like frickin' David Hasselhoff.
Well, in his youth.
On land.
Right.
I would say he's kind of like a forgotten president, in a way.
How could you be president and people just, you know, don't you think like you,
especially,
what was that, 50 years ago, you know?
You'd think that people would still kind of.
There's so many, man.
He could get it back in the day.
That's what I'm saying.
He could get it.
Oops.
Think about it in terms of American Idol, right?
Because everybody knows George Washington.
Everybody knows Kelly Clarkson.
Do you know Chris Allen?
Like that?
Not yet.
Not yet.
If you don't know Chris Allen by now, you'll never know him.
You will never know him.
He beat David Archuleta, and nobody acts like they even give a fuck.
The Mormon goat.
And by the way, he came out, I believe.
No.
So respect to David Archuleta.
Really?
I think so.
And that was my high school doppelganger for a minute until I started doing the
Vyvanse
and got all fuckin' shredded.
Oh, he did.
In 2021, he came out as queer.
That's right.
Wow.
Yo, I want to call someone out right now.
Billy Ray Cyrus, I've heard what you said behind what you thought were closed
doors.
And now that shit's public.
What'd he say?
You don't talk to someone like that, especially not your wife.
All right?
So Billy Ray.
What the fuck did he say?
I almost don't want to tell you.
Nate, I definitely don't want to tell you, because you're about to fly out to
his ranch
wherever in Malibu, wherever, and beat his ass silly.
I might need to put on mute.
I'm sick of these.
Put you on mute.
Right now.
I can't hear