Name: 98: gift giving guide
Uploaded: 2024-12-16T12:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '98: gift giving guide' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '98: gift giving guide' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-16. Transcript available.

98: gift giving guide

Basically, I have to start doing Tay Zande style, breathe away from the mic,
because I'm getting multiple comments and even DMs about the breathing.
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous, and
meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger. Enjoy.
DMs, people are...
I breathe away from the mic.
I get away from the mic because I have sleep.
I hope it if I have a strong breathing style.
You have chi. It's chi.
It's called chi, dude, and I just happen to have a little more of it that I
need to release.
Do you know what I want you to say to these people?
Is I want you to say, hey, if you don't...
If you...
Ah, shit, man. Hold on.
Get it, get it. No, get it, get it.
I got it.
If you can't handle me when I'm breathing loudly, you don't deserve me when I'm
speaking passionately.
Right. And I'll say, and to add to that, you're going to miss it when I stop
breathing forever.
You know what I'm saying?
You're going to be wishing I could be breathing heavy under the mic when I die
in the Great War in a couple of years.
The Great War.
Between the socialists and the fucking capitalists.
And which side will I be on?
Well, that depends on what my contracts are with my television work.
Right.
Oh, can I tell you some news based on that?
Yeah.
Based on socialists?
I think, officially, I'm done with isms.
Isms?
Good.
Racism, sexism, homophobism, capitalism, socialism.
Like, I'm just done with isms.
I'm done with them.
I'm hanging them up.
You lost me at socialism, dude.
What do you mean?
Because if you're not socialist, then you're not my friend.
That's what I've been saying to my family as well.
What if you told your fucking family that I'm a socialist?
Yeah, I'm starting to rat you guys out.
I need to have a career.
I'm ratting all the socialists out.
All you DSA people that happen to be in the entertainment industry.
Let's just say I've reported to you, to the heads of every studio, to freaking
George Soros.
He isn't controlling us.
And I've told them.
Eric, you're under full control right now.
Again.
By who?
They're controlling you.
Well, then good, because I'm having a good time.
You know what I mean?
Let them control me.
I'm having a blast.
They're doing a great job.
Music makes me lose control.
Your fucking simulation puppet master.
Shout out, man.
He's playing the game well.
I always bring up freaking Cypher from The Matrix, who's eating his steak with
Mr. Smith and his other agent friend.
And he's eating the steak.
It tastes delicious.
I get it.
I like being in a simulation if I'm having a good time.
There's a lot of movies about that.
You know, because I've been watching the Criterion.
They have the time travel playlist this time.
Say what?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
So, a bunch of time travel movies that they want you to watch.
On Criterion?
Yes, yes.
It is very enjoyable.
Oh, my God.
It's very enjoyable.
I'm serious.
So, Momento, so Deja Vu with Denzel Washington.
There it is.
There it is.
That movie is about a lot.
And all of these things, all of these two time travel movies, they make you
think.
It's funny how, truly, it is funny how one time travel movie will make you
think differently about another time travel movie.
So, one of them is about fate.
Can you change fate?
Is it worth, you know...
Is it worth it?
Is it worth living in despair to escape trauma?
Do you lie to yourself?
Or do you try to change fate?
Can you change fate?
Many questions arise as we walk through this life.
That's what I've noticed.
And many...
You go through life, you think you get more answers, you end up with more
questions.
Never stop learning.
I just noticed that movie La Jetée is on there.
Have you guys ever seen that one?
No.
La Jetée?
La Jetée.
What does that mean?
Well, basically, it's French, blacky white, time travel style.
And at the end of that movie...
Spoiler, spoiler!
No, no.
There's no spoilers.
All right.
But maybe this is a spoiler.
And by the way, it's very short.
It's a short film.
At the end of that thing, there's a...
To everyone who's seen it that's listening, remember when she blinks?
Oh.
It sounds like a spoiler.
Nah, it's not a spoiler, dude.
It's a moment.
That is a spoiler, dude.
Is that the only blink in the movie?
Because then that's a fucking spoiler.
No, there's hella blinks.
I would say saying anything about a movie is a spoiler, to be honest.
Well, you had your fucking chance, dude.
This thing's been out since 1960.
You took this away from me.
You took away the blink.
So now I know it's fucking coming, dude.
Nate.
You know how much I want to experience that with fresh eyes, with newness?
Well...
Now it's going to do nothing for me.
Well, sorry.
I apologize.
Because I know how much film means to you in this dark time in your life.
And by the way, shout out to Nate for dressing like a Baja Blast.
That's all.
Oh, yeah.
This is like two 80s.
You know what I'm saying?
This feels like an 80s, like, costume.
Fellas, are the members only jackets in?
Or are those long gone?
Weigh in right now.
Chat, weigh in.
Hey, guys.
What is that?
Yeah, is this a bomber?
Is a bomber jacket a members only jacket?
Or is a members only jacket...
Yeah, it's kind of bomber-y, but...
Does it have, like, a little thing on the shoulder?
You know what I'm saying?
It does have that little thing on the shoulder.
See, I say a hell no for that.
That's a hell fucking no.
Oh, hell no.
I know.
That's the...
You wear a bomber's jacket and skinny jeans,
and you're making vlogs with your two-year-old in your house in the suburbs of
Missouri.
God bless you.
God bless you.
God bless you.
I like you.
That's one of the jacket designers.
I missed you.
Like, they were just, like, just bashing their head against the wall,
trying to find new innovation.
Oh, we'll put little straps on the shoulders.
Get a grip.
Go back to the drawing board.
What is that for?
What is that for?
A button on the top?
What are you trying to do?
Get hoisted up by it or something?
Yeah, what are you trying to do?
Get a wedgie from your shoulder, bitch?
The only jacket that I think I'm going to be wearing in the new year...
Is the one that the morgue puts on my fucking cold body after I get my revenge?
No, they don't take clothes off you, by the way, at the morgue.
Just so you know, you're going to be naked with one of them creepy morticians
looking at you.
But, no, this is the only jacket I'm going to be wearing.
When the cameras are flashing, when I'm coming out, the Chateau Marmont.
Yeah, it's going to be this type of tech wear that destroys the photo.
Is Chateau Marmont the one that everybody goes to in L.A. that talks about it?
That's the one that we went to, man.
That's where we saw Jeremy Allen White dressed up like Beyonce playing Trey's.
Yeah.
No, I didn't see that.
I didn't.
We were in the sphere for like two seconds.
You know what I'm saying?
Like in the, as deep as you could go into the Hollywood Illuminati system.
Right.
I don't know.
Yeah, yeah.
We came up for breath, but we're going back down now.
I'm going in for research.
And then once I've collected it all, I'm going to be moving to Mumbai, where I'll
be starting my empire.
In Bollywood.
Is it media empire or CBD or CB cannabinoid?
Well, great question.
Everything starts out as simply definable like that, I would say.
Every entrepreneur has to start with a hook that, yeah, is a definable product.
But when you realize that you are not selling products, you are selling lifestyles,
concepts, ideas, and philosophies,
then that's when you realize Red Bull has what it takes to become the next
everything, Apple.
This is after all the sharks have said no to you on your idea.
You're talking to the PA who's driving you to the shuttle.
So if you're willing to, yeah.
So here's the deal, guys.
The holidays, every year it comes quicker and quicker.
But the holidays are finally upon us.
And what's interesting about these style of holidays, because there's many
holidays, there's Halloween and Fourth of July.
But the interesting thing about these holidays is that there's an expectation
that you give what we call physical gifts, gifts, to those that you love.
There's a problem with that, though, and that is wondering, not knowing what to
give.
If I could put it like that.
Yeah.
If only there was a guide with three people with incredible sensibilities who
could tell you exactly what to buy, where to buy it, for how much, for whomst,
and when will it get you some action.
Right.
But actually, Jack, I want to correct you because you just implied that you're
expecting something in return for that gift when we all decided that we're
going to give gifts unconditionally this holiday season for the first time.
Remember when we talked about that?
No, yeah, yeah.
I remember talking about it, man, but there is a law of conservation of energy,
and that goes for giving as well.
So when you push into the universe, it will float back to you.
Trust me on that.
Well, right, I know.
And when you pull on the universe, how would that work?
It pulls from me.
Oh, it snaps away.
That's right.
That's right.
I know.
So don't tug on that shit too intensely.
And don't swish it around either.
Yeah, right.
I think we should break it down into, so there's different types of gifts, and
what is a gift that you would give somebody where you're trying to impress them?
This might be a colleague.
This might be a boss of some sort, but you're trying to impress them with a
gift, with the expectation that once you give them this gift,
they might like you better.
They might do business with you in the future.
They might sign up for a new contract.
Okay?
Imagine this.
99 bananas, little miniature shot, with, on top, a Hyundai Sonata keychain
hanging off the neck of that little bottle.
But it's just the keychain.
There's no car that is.
No, no.
No, there's a car.
That's what's interesting, is that you have a, you have one, and it's new, by
the way.
You say, you think that you think it's a 2012.
It's got the bow on it.
It's got the bow on it.
And you say, take a shot of that and take that to the Griffith Park Observatory
and drive up all up and down those curvy roads.
See if you don't feel a little more alive.
We're doing the 10 miles, 10 shot, 10 shot, banana shots challenge.
Have you guys ever had a 99 bananas?
Nope.
Not yet.
Something tells me I'm going to have one very soon.
Let's bring them to the UK and give them to the locals.
What do you guys want, the people in the UK, what do you want us to smuggle in
for you?
Yeah, right.
Because I know you don't have all the types of technology and products that we
do.
Well, I'll tell you what we're going to be smuggling in off the bat is some
American humor and American perspective on world events.
And some American smell, body odors and some American hugs.
We give them hugs.
You ever had an American style hug?
We do it different over here.
We're always hard.
Oh, you know what really is a good way to impress people?
If you want to gift, gifting wise.
What?
Trust me, trust me, trust me.
Cheese.
Go to a cheese shop.
That's me.
S-H-O-P-P-E shop.
Go to one of them.
Cheesemonger.
Yes.
What'd you call me?
So then get the fanciest but not expensivest cheese.
You can get a unique one.
Tell them, I want something that's not going to break the bank, but it's going
to break the minds of the people who I show this to.
Get a sweet cheese.
Ooh.
It says elegance.
And if you want to go crazy, if you want to go wild style with this gift, get
somebody ice cream shipped to their spot.
Because people are opening up a package and they're thinking, oh, this is going
to be something that is room temperature.
There's no way what's inside of here is ice cold.
They open that up.
What the fuck is this?
Dry ice in a styrofoam box filled with, it can be any type of ice cream that
you want, all right?
But me personally, I would choose Jenny's.
Chocolate.
Halo Top.
Halo, can I just really quick call it Halo Top?
Just, if you're try