Name: Christmas Parables | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 99
Uploaded: 2024-12-23T13:00:24.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Parables | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 99' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Christmas Parables | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 99' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2024-12-23. Transcript available.

Christmas Parables | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 99

Thanks.
And I've just realized I'm recording through the MacBook.
So this is going to be extra fucked up.
I love that people are going to listen to this whole episode and then like,
they're like, this is...
Episode 99.
So it's going to be...
We need parents. We need somebody to address us in the morning.
I know. Well, this is crazy. I thought I was recording.
This might be the worst audio. This is the absolute worst audio episode we've
ever put out.
That's the clip right there, Nate. That's the pre-intro song clip.
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous, and
meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger. Enjoy.
Can you guys hear this?
So those are some Christmas bells to kick off what is going to be the Christmas
episode, really.
And I hope you guys enjoyed that. It took me a while to find that on Spotify,
but I think it fits the mood.
Hello, freak bitches.
Is that what it is?
Hello, freak bitches.
Who's getting freaky tonight?
Oh, on Christmas night?
On Christmas Eve?
Is that what it is?
On Christmas Eve?
Wait, when's this come out?
On Christmas Eve, Eve.
The 23rd is when this comes out.
Yeah.
So people are definitely getting freaky because it's in their nature to get freaky
in general.
But when that holiday smell is around, snow and cinnamon.
Oh, yeah.
And the presents are all wrapped under the tree.
The seasonal pheromones.
Oh, my God.
The seasonal pheromones start working in people's loins.
Have you ever seen how beautiful a snowflake is?
Most of the snowflakes I see are ugly, don't know how to shower, don't know how
to brush their teeth.
They're all Gen Z.
Oh, brother, man.
Oh, shit.
They're quite beautiful.
If you look at them under a macro lens.
You know, I know that when you're a kid, they teach you what a snowflake looks
like.
But when you get older, you forget.
And then you go back and you look with adult eyes and you see this is greater
than any Picasso painting.
This is greater than any structure built by the United Arab Emiratis.
This is a beautiful...
Geometrical beauty.
Ice-based, clear, miniature, ant-sized.
What are these beautiful images for ants?
Goddamn.
Well, something happens when people try to show me art made by human beings.
Someone will show me a Georgia O'Keeffe painting.
Colouse, a Lautrec painting of the green woman that drank all that absinthe.
And I think, yeah, these are pretty good.
But why don't I show you this hill over here that God made?
It's much more detailed, much more beautiful, uncorrupted by man.
Except for the mountains and hills that have coal mines in them.
How funny it is that humans are able to corrupt every single structure that's
made by God.
Or don't even get me started on fracking.
Chopping the top off.
That one's okay.
Oh.
That one we need.
What do they do with fracking exactly?
They blow off the top of a mountain and then just like oil just gushes out of
it or something?
Is that what's happening?
Damn, you have the most sexual way of describing it ever.
They blow the fucking back out the fucking...
How?
Oh, that's old school.
Hit that fucking mountain from the back.
No, fracking is spitting in it.
That's where they use water and they spit that water all the way down, all high-pressured
style, way down deep in the dirt, hydraulically.
Hydraulicized fracking.
It's true.
It's true.
None of us have any idea what fracking is.
I don't care.
I don't care.
I put that...
Take that oil.
I put it in my Mazda 3 Grand Touring 2018 hatchback.
I drive that to Chipotle.
I get the bowl with the chips.
I dip the chips into the bowl.
And I go home and I watch whatever I want to watch.
Simpsons, Malcolm in the Middle.
That's my life.
No documentary is interesting.
I save documentaries for holidays, including Christmas.
Educating your family about inconvenient truth.
Yeah, come here, guys.
There's a very inconvenient truth I need to show to you.
You see this man's photo in my wallet?
There's a reason he's in there.
His name's Al Gore.
And he changed my life when I was seven years old.
Alex Gore.
Alex Gordeski.
Damn, what if...
Nah, I don't know.
I feel bad for my dog, Bubbles, right now.
Because she's just standing...
Do you guys want to see what the hell she's up to?
I'd take a look.
Oh!
She's got the Simpsons donut on her head?
She's got the donut on?
Oh, poor Bubbles.
She's got the donut because she had that surgery.
But she's just standing there right now.
Homer Simpson would take a big bite out of her.
I'd take a bite out of freaking Milhouse's mom.
I'd take a bite out of Trump's neck.
So, there's many parables during Christmas.
There's many stories that show this true spirit of Christmas.
Elf.
Christmas Vacation.
Die Hard.
Die Hard.
Classic Christmas movie.
People don't realize Die Hard is actually a Christmas movie.
No.
Which is why I think it's hilarious.
But, I don't know.
People know that there's stories about Christmas that go way back.
Almost 2025 years back, if you catch my drift.
You sound like Cootie right now from the Kanye doc.
Kid Cootie?
No, no, no, no, no.
You kind of do, yeah.
Almost 225 years.
You have the most legendary cadence, yeah.
Kanye.
That's when I knew that Kanye was going to be my best friend.
Oh, that's the guy that made it?
Yeah.
I love that doc.
Did you see him getting the desposition or whatever?
What is it called?
Deposition?
Deposition.
Despacito.
Did you see that?
He had the mask on.
No.
And they're like...
Yo, yeah.
Wait.
Is this when he had the hat down?
No, no, no.
Maybe.
He has like the craziest like full...
It masks out his entire face.
And there's like a lawyer asking him like, are you going to wear the mask on
the whole time?
And he's like, do you know who you're talking to?
I am the richest black man to ever exist.
Or something.
And they're like...
They're just asking him like regular like lawyer questions.
My father's vacuuming right now.
Apologies.
Did you see the one where he has the hat down?
And they're asking him...
He's like looking at his phone and the judge is like, please stop looking at
your phone.
And he's like, well, what you don't understand is I have too many mental geniuses.
Like he's talking about how he has mental geniusness.
He is.
Relatable.
He's a genius.
Very relatable.
I can't put my phone down.
I have too many mental geniuses.
What does that mean?
Maybe I told the story wrong, but he said something like that.
So, I mean, just go look it up for yourself.
Everything that we say in this podcast, look it up for yourself, by the way.
Don't take our word as bond.
Jamie, think for yourself.
Make your own opinions.
We are entertaining.
And then come back and fix them.
Right.
Then come back here and assess why you thought that, why it was wrong.
Why you had three white men tell you what to think.
This is what got us in the situation in the first place.
I'll tell you that much.
Oh, the three wise white men?
The three wise white boys?
The three white men?
Oh, I like that.
The wise white ones?
Well, so let's tell the tale of that, shall we?
From what we can remember, the story of Jesus' birth.
The three wise men, they saw an alien spaceship in the sky.
And that was what the star was, is what, in their times, they can formulate
what a spaceship
could be, so they said it was the North Star.
It was a spaceship, and that spaceship came down and impregnated a female that
gave birth
to the alien slash human hybrid of Jesus Christ.
Is this real?
Is that what that is?
The three wise men?
No, you're fucking...
That's an interpretation of the Bible.
In modern terms.
Wait, but I thought that the Mary was a virgin.
Bro, that's what...
But it's actually, you're saying an alien came down and made the first...
It don't count if it's alien.
If you're hitting...
If you're hitting...
Getting hit by an alien, it don't count.
You can cheat.
Now, that brings many questions up.
What do you think Antarctica's for?
Antarctica is just a zone where all of them can cheat, and humans go down there.
They go underground, and it's just a sexual cheating with aliens, baddie aliens
down there.
You know what alien I think is very, was very sexy are those Star Wars alien
women.
Oh.
They have the long tails on their heads.
Yep.
Those fat tails that wrap around.
Can I buy you a fucking blue foamy drink at the whatever bar?
What's that bar called?
At the cantina.
At the blue milk.
At the cantina girl?
Can we grind in the cantina?
Remember when we went to Disneyland, guys, and you guys, nobody wanted to try
any fucking
blue milk?
Except for me.
We didn't get any blue milk?
I didn't know.
They were hiding it, I thought.
No, no, it was around, and the green milk was there, too, but you guys didn't
give a fuck
about what I wanted to do.
I wanted Korean food.
Well, we got that, didn't we, at the Star Wars style restaurant?
We got intergalactic Korean food.
Yeah, we got intergalactic, like, shawarma.
Um, so, there's Mary, she's a virgin, she's, wait, let me get this straight,
first off.
Virgin Mary was married to Joseph the Carpenter, and yet, they still hadn't
consummated the
marriage?
Nope, he was saving it, semen retention.
For what?
That's what I find curious.
He had a wrestling match or something?
That must have been a tough position for him to be in.
If you had a comedy special taping coming up, would you retain?
Yeah, of course.
For how long?
Years.
But what if the development's only, like, a year, a year and a half?
What do you mean, the development of the material?
Like, you go to Netflix, you say, yo, I got this idea for an X-rated stand-up
show,
I'm going to film it overseas, and then...
That's right.
Well, I bust at the end of the special.
I don't, no spoilers.
But they say, okay, we'll buy it, man.
Can we order it?
We want to order it.
We want it next year.
But, and you say, oh, shit.
Three.
They know.
Begging a network to make development take longer is funny.
I want to stay in the longest development ever.
I want to be in, like, a 40-year development phase with the production company.
That's like the, what's the movie, the TV show, the Korean one,
where they're fighting up against cookies and shit?
Hunger Games.
No, no, no.
Squid Games.
Oh, right.
Yeah, that did take, you know, that took a, I don't know if the development
phase was that long,
but the idea certainly.
The Incepticon, yeah.
The inception of the idea.
The Genesis.
Long ago, in a faraway land, blanketed in shimmering starlight.
Hey, so we were having a conversation about Squid Games, and you kind of just
jumped in.
Did you listen to any fucking thing that I just fucking said, dude?
Literally.
Well, I'm about to get to three names that I know you guys want to hear.
Remember Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego?
They've been rattling in my head ever since you guys blew my mind with that,
yeah.
Well, how about this?
Kaspar, Melchior, and Balthazar.
Oh, Balthazar.
Are you kidding me?
I love that name.
These guys, these three wise men.
Kaspar.
Kaspar, Melchior, Melchior.
And they had Mer, Gold, and...
Jerry Melchior.
And Frankincense.
And Frankincense.
Do you know who Brian the Hamster Czar Balthazar is?
No.
No.
That's Brian Balthazar, the talented producer, filmmaker, actor, and entertainer
from Human
vs. Hamster, streaming now on Max.
Which you had a hand in creating.
Which I had a hand in creating, and everybody made it out okay.
You know what?
There was a scene where the hamsters are giving hamsters, teaching you how to
give hamsters
CPR, and allegedly there was a moment during production where somebody needed
CPR, and so seeing
that was shocking to me that they had...
Giving a hamster CPR, and you just like press down so hard that it fucking
explodes.
Not funny, dude.
Somebody comes in and comes in and shoots you like that.
Remember Dan Licata?
Saying that in Rap World?
Whipping a hamster at the wall.
As hard as he can at the wall.
No, that's not funny.
That's not funny.
Wait, were the hamsters treated well on the show?
Did they have a good time?
They had a g