Name: Pirates | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 105
Uploaded: 2025-02-03T13:01:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pirates | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 105' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Pirates | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 105' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-02-03. Transcript available.

Pirates | Joy Tactics Podcast | Ep. 105

it was that's all i remember from the show but he was like just destroying
talking about how his
dick is like a darth vader i don't remember any i'm laughing just imagining i'm
just imagining
the sound as well when the nut comes out
welcome to joy tactics the podcast dedicated to all things joyful joyous and
meeting as many
celebrities as humanly possible hosted by eric rayhill nate veroni and jack bensinger
enjoy ahoy
land
land
rum please need some rum now if you got it can you spare some rum
well we're off to an amazing this is maybe one of the most legendary starts to
the podcast ever
yeah exactly we're off to the fucking races um feeling good for some reason i i
have snl
highlights just auto playing on youtube in the background what sketch is on
right now well right
now it's ad vanessa bear they're all at a funeral oh there's amy poehler
yeah mr sandberg all right the topic is pirates today but i'm just gonna get
out ahead of it and
say that i came i spent three hours on a math equation yesterday that i want to
know oh yeah
oh dude this actually unsettled me this is can i cover yes yes can i read the
text that you sent
because i i got this and if you weren't as stable i would have legit been
concerned what makes you
think i'm stable because i've put you through different tests that you weren't
aware of and you
passed all right here you go here's jack yesterday at 12 10 get ready for joy
tactics tomorrow guys
scary scary by the way already then you say i've spent the last two hours on
one math equation
all right then then you say something
you say something actually isn't adding up i actually need you guys to solve
this equation for
me because i feel like i've tapped into something beyond comprehension slash
potentially a conspiracy
all right so that let's hear it man all right all i want to say is i've
continued my work on the equation
and i'm i uh i'll just let you do the math really on this one so this is all
right you've noticed in
the news lately that there have been a couple horrible aviation accidents oh no
and i just we've
been hearing the stats we've heard it all over the place i've had my own
personal journey with
iraq uh air whatever fear of planes right and uh i've always heard that stat
cars are much more
dangerous than flying see what i'm saying right yeah so all i was trying to do
is a very simple
equation in my free time on saturday that i just thought but people drive so
much more than they
fly isn't that weighing the odds see what i'm saying so what i did is i found
the amount of miles
driven by everybody in america over the course of one year collectively and i
found the number of miles
traveled by commuter airlines very simple number to find it's the whatever rp
like was sold sold miles per
passenger you know what i'm saying and then uh i've just found i somehow
calculated the averages
and the percentages um per mile you see what i'm saying so not the riskiness
but the simple per mile
if you were to if everybody was to travel the same amount of miles in a car and
the same amount of miles
in an airplane and what do i have here just to start with some of the numbers
yeah just real quick
wouldn't it be better if you calculated the time spent in a car not the miles
because maybe that's
what's shaking you up here it's a that to me sounds like a different equation
i feel like that might be a more accurate like picture of what you're trying to
convey
because a plane goes faster than the car so the miles like the miles don't know
no no no no no no but
the miles that is the function of the vehicle this is a mode of transportation
so you have to assess it by
miles not time spent in it you see what i'm saying i don't have i don't have
the like the uh mathematical
brain to back up just be quiet for like 10 minutes all right all right
but i think i'm right but go on all right so the united states uh people drive
roughly 3.2 trillion
miles per year is the number i came up with 41 000 deaths per year roughly let's
say 45 i did 45 000
divided by 1.64 trillion i got 2.74 times 10 to the 8 negative 8th so 274
negative 10 millions
already so lost uh and then i did the same thing i found that it's not
important i'll get past the
numbers but what's interesting is basically what i realized and i told this to
raleigh
i showed her all my math on this and she was like you don't understand what a
statistic is and how they
work she's like it's not an average like you're just finding like an average
but uh i want to know
from any math head out there so how come when i was looking up to the the i'm
looking at like a very
long uh notes app equation right now i'm trying to find the relevant numbers
forgive me um and i'll
you'll be seeing this again in front of congress very soon
you just hold up your notes app like to each of them as they're on their little
podium nothing wrong
with that so i'm seeing what one in eight thousand chance of um being in a fatality
style car accident
one in eight thousand okay but that's according to basically chat gpt google
but the number i came up
with is one in 78.1 million jesus i'm gonna go ahead and hang it up i think i'm
gonna admit defeat
maybe on this i was trying to prove that cars are more dangerous than flying
through very i'll prove that planes are more dangerous than driving you mean
did i say it
backwards yeah yeah well then yeah i'm trying to prove that planes are more
dangerous per uh per mile
but um yeah this is kind of the danger of me living in new york by myself the
conspiracies that i get
close to as i met as i marinate my body in with the juices of my own mind well
you don't feel bad
because when i was like probably maybe i already said this on the podcast
probably when i was like
13 too old to be having this realization i'm in my dad's office uh in our house
and i was like
probably haven't been watching like the born movies or whatever just trying to
find fucking or like the
matrix like just trying to find inconsistencies where everyone else is just
being a sheep and just
enjoying their fucking steak and shit i'm like actually looking into the code
and i'm sitting there
and i'm thinking about like thinking about that and i see my dad has a map of
the world up
of the globe and i see alaska on one side and i see alaska on the other side
you know what i mean
and i was like literally what the fuck is going on and i really felt like i had
like i was like
looking at maps on the internet like googling maps and i was like how is no one
else saying this
your dad snapped your neck like fucking right there you fucking idiot that is a
great question to have
uh but bro how many discoveries have been halted because someone was too um
afraid to appear
appear stupid yeah we're mentally ill or mentally what you say ill god knows
god knows i have a recent
conspiracy sort of on this tip um that's sort of involved with the simulation
in in um and it is
well i don't have a backup cam for my prius okay and i have a theory that i am
a really funny place
to start when introducing a conspiracy
hear me out people who don't have backup cams are going to really resonate with
this one there
there's going to be a light bulb that flickers off so when i'm parallel parking
i think that i am
actually hitting the car behind me like no question front and right back like
slamming into it but i think
the simulation is like every time this guy parallel parks he can't like hit a
car so we're just gonna
like give them like some give and you know uh reprogram the code so it seems
like he's getting in the spot
like correctly that's my theory is that we can't because i just feel like when
i'm parallel parking
i am like slamming into the back i'm like there's no way i'm not hitting this
car right now and i keep
on going going going going going going going yeah and nothing's happening and i'm
like i feel like i
could go forever right now but you drive different i know that yeah i know
you drive more cautious than like i think your caution is commendable by the
way you drove us very
safely in yeah this is okay and you didn't hit any rocks i did listen i hit the
rocks and i'm finally
ending up to it thank you thank you but i think consider your you guys want to
hear the embarrassing
thing that i have thought of course of course and i don't know what you mean by
as if that's related
what do you mean embarrassing how like because what me and nate said no no this
one's actually
it was brave actually all right i got really sleepy when like when i get really
sleepy and out of it
you know i start your mind the mind wanders you know and you start thinking
like the other night
bubbles was like looking at me upside down and i was like seeing her face
upside down suddenly made her
head like an abstract thing and not bubbles and i was like what the fuck is
that like i can't believe
i'm like chilling with this thing that has these fucking wet balls in its head
that her eyes and a
wet ass mouth you know what i mean just like all of a sudden it was like this
abstract like grotesque
thing and not my sweet dog but anyways that's the actually embarrassing thing i
thought was like
when i was like like i can't believe that i'm like on this new like version of
the office after that was
like my favorite show growing up like wouldn't like an alien be like wouldn't
it be funny to put his
ass like make him think that he could actually do something like that eric what
you're saying a
truman show prank yeah this is the this is like the one percent downloaded
syndrome that kanye has now
like what is that just like some sort of like re the disconnection with reality
entirely
right right well it's just been inserted and get ready it's pretty soon you're
gonna be
hucking paintballs at fucking paparazzi damn that's smart yeah okay well first
off that was
really embarrassing eric to reveal that and i commend you for um being
vulnerable in that way and sharing
that um but i do i do want to ask you have you dipped into the latest um joe rogan
experience podcast
no what happened because it is earth shattering no but the guy who i think i
know what you're talking
about the guy who um that they're interviewing climbed to be a um a alien
assassin i think who is
this was it the two guys the wait just talk about what you're breaking well he
describes like like so
many things like he described it's it's quite insane one is that and they he
like worked at one of the
top secret alien facilities and an alien escaped and it was he said it was tied
up in a chair okay
and he convinced the interpreter to throw him inside of the portal to get him
back to his home planet
get me in a portal
so that's one i'm i'm fully on board for all of this you think this guy's a grifter
no no i trust him what else the other one is that he says he like pulls off to
the side of the road
and an alien who's in full military outfit and oh but it's like a little weird
i've seen this guy
it's like a little off yeah he has like no ears he has like kind of bluish like
white skin huge eyes
and he comes up to him and he starts speaking in a crazy ass language he
understands but he understands
because it's telepathically translated into his brain so then why would he
fucking be even speaking at
all i don't know like maybe it's just because you need sound waves as the
communication for the
telepathy to transfer i mean that's brilliant of course that's
but he says he gives him two things he says i need uh this this element for my
ship
okay and it's called like titranium or something like that okay give me some
titranium now
and the other thing is he implants a star map into his head and he draws it out
and he doesn't know
any of these star constellations he's like drawing out like the leo
constellation perfectly and there's
this one area where it's uh that is in red in his mind and it's like his home
planet and they and
then the guy that was like uh deciphering this map was like we just discovered
like a bunch of exoplanets
that are earth-like in th