Name: Water | Ep. 129
Uploaded: 2025-07-21T11:00:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Water | Ep. 129' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Water | Ep. 129' from Joy Tactics on Comedy Buff. Published 2025-07-21. Transcript available.

Water | Ep. 129

So, you guys like live comedy shows, right?
Well, guess what?
This Sunday, July 27th, the Permanent Records in Los Angeles, California.
It's going the fuck down.
Eric can't be there, but guess who will be there?
Dan Licata and more.
Tickets link in show notes.
Get your tickets now.
It's about to be a fucking vibe.
Pull up.
We'll see you there.
Now, without further ado, enjoy this most excellent episode of Joy Tactics.
Welcome to Joy Tactics, the podcast dedicated to all things joyful, joyous, and
meeting as many celebrities as humanly possible.
Hosted by Eric Rahill, Nate Veroni, and Jack Bensinger.
Enjoy.
All right.
All right.
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Since 1894, they invented water.
People don't know that.
They didn't even have water before then.
They probably invented mineral water, mind you.
Mineral water, which is what we all should be.
You guys realize what distilled water is, right?
No.
Light me, please.
What the fuck is that could be?
It's basically this wet version of water.
They basically, you know condensation, right?
You know about that, right?
I know too much about it lately, yeah.
How they make distilled water is, I think they boil that shit.
And then it gets all drippy on the ceiling of the metal tube
that they make it in, whatever.
Drip, drip, drip.
And then it drips down.
Ooh.
So that's at least my understanding of it.
Oh, that's just, that's very similar to what they do
in those YouTube videos where they go on an island.
They say, what's up, everybody?
I'm not going to, I have no water or nothing.
I'm on an island for three days.
And then the way they drink water is they like breathe
into a water bottle until their spit drips back down.
That disgusts me to my core.
Well, let me ask you guys a question.
If it came down to it, would you drink your own pee?
Wow.
Or would you pass away?
Now, is it really not hydrating?
Because I have a hard time imagining
that if you drink a liquid, it doesn't hydrate you, right?
Or have we, has our insides stripped
all of the fucking nutrients from the water?
That's what we got to, this takes me,
so many conversations lead me back to our discovery
that we made about fish breathing oxygen.
Right, right.
Because the water we've discovered
is a delivery system for the oxygen,
just like how human beings breathe.
H2O.
So, two hydrogen, one oxygen, right?
So, what does it look like
when you have just two hydrogens and no oxygen?
You see what I'm saying?
You don't want that.
You would not want that.
What are you breathing?
No, what do you drink?
You don't drink for oxygen.
What am I saying?
Even...
What are we drinking for?
Hydrogen?
Damn, I need hydrogen.
And then at which point,
I just, this is,
all right, we've reached a natural conclusion
of the, like,
this is too high of a reading level for us.
No, we haven't.
It's, water is essential for life.
Did you just look this up?
Playing a crucial role
in numerous bodily functions.
Yeah, I know that.
It regulates body temperature,
transports nutrients and oxygen,
aids in digestion,
and eliminates waste.
So now, sorry.
Yeah, that makes sense.
It makes sense.
But then the pee thing,
like, so if something is liquid,
if it is a liquid state,
in a liquid state,
how could that not hydrate you?
Solid, liquid, gas.
Solids give you food, liquids.
You're saying any liquids?
Yeah, try drinking gasoline, bro.
Or believe it's going to hydrate you.
All right, all right, all right.
All right, all right.
Okay, thank you, by the way.
So what I want to know is,
you're welcome.
If you drink a cup,
a pint of British Petroleum,
are you getting even,
yes, you're getting toxins in your body?
You said that so quickly.
British Petroleum?
Well, I've been practicing.
But if you say,
but if you drink that,
yeah,
if you get,
ignore the toxic reaction
that the oil particles are having,
are you getting a little hydrated?
Because it's a liquid state.
Are you getting a taste of hydration?
Probably.
I mean, we need to look this up.
You know what is so funny, Nate?
And I'm deciding it now.
I'm calling it now
because we're being naturally attracted to this topic.
Nate and I are leaving the gym this morning.
And Nate said,
what should we talk about today?
I said, water.
Do you know that's crazy?
Yeah, yeah.
That is wild.
Now we're talking about it?
Should we switch to water today?
Why not?
Fuck it.
We were going to talk about manual labor.
We'll save manual labor for maybe Builder's Day,
which I bet is coming out.
Contractor's Day.
All right.
Well, I just had an amazing idea
based on the sort of chemical breakdown of water.
You know those Coca-Cola freestyle machines?
Of course.
Yeah, yeah.
What if there was a Coca-Cola freestyle machine,
but it was just the periodic table
and you could mix and match.
It had every, yeah,
every chemical on the planet.
So you could make, you know, uranium.
You could make a little,
you could mix it up.
You could make water,
put a little splash of gold in there,
copper, you know.
I mean, they're telling me
I could have hydrogen and lorencium
in one Coke bottle or something.
Exactly.
Nate, name as many elements
on the periodic table as you can.
No, no, no, no.
All right.
I'm going to, for real, try to.
All right.
Hydrogen, oxygen.
Should we go round robin?
Should we go round robin?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Until we can't.
All right.
Hydrogen.
Well, I just gave three, so.
All right.
Okay, I'll get another one.
Oxygen.
Aluminum.
Phosphate.
Am I involved in this?
Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
Yes.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Heavily.
Heavily?
All right.
Copper.
I think I already said that, but.
All right.
My bad.
Yeah.
Silver.
Okay.
Potassium.
Oh.
Beryllium.
Neon, I'm pretty sure is one.
Xenon.
Nitrogen.
Nitrogen.
Helium.
Beryllium.
Somebody say it.
Beryllium.
Lithium.
Did someone say calcium?
I didn't say it.
Calcium.
I was thinking it.
I was thinking it.
Silver.
Did you say that?
Magnesium.
Gold.
Oh.
At this point.
Now let me take it down low.
Lorentium.
Oh, yeah.
Uranium.
Oh, you mean that bottom bracket of most interesting forbidden.
Yeah.
Elements.
Can't forget about the alien particle that was that one of those alien dudes
that goes on
Joe Rogan said there was like a, how many, how many elements are there?
It was like, if there's a hundred, it's like the hundred and first element.
You mean Bob Lazar?
Bob Lazar, yes.
You mean my mentor, Bob Lazar?
Yes, yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, he did say that.
I think let's stop now with the elements, even though we know many more,
because I think
that honestly, we've surprised ourselves with some of this high school
chemistry recall.
I'll tell you what, I can draw the shape of the periodic table, which I feel
like counts
for something.
Definitely, bro.
Yeah, it looks like a square rectangle with different parts of it.
It's not a square, man.
There's different sort of rectangle, man.
It's not even a rectangle.
It's more obtuse.
Water, guys.
It's about water today.
All right.
Can we not, with the shapes, et cetera?
Have we really not done water?
We've done water.
I'm telling you, we've done water in a lot of ways.
I remember having debates about different formations of water, whether it was
the sea,
whether it was a drink, how we're classifying water differently.
We've done water.
We haven't done water.
I'm looking it up right now.
I'm checking the stats.
There's no way.
We've done lunch.
We've done, and now we're on water.
It makes sense, bro.
We haven't done water?
No, man.
And why have we examined it so much?
Well, because water surrounds you.
Yeah.
Why don't you look at your own body right now, Jack?
You know how much of that is water?
Well, when I touch it, zero.
You're feeling dry?
If you put me onto somebody's table at a restaurant and said, here's 99% water,
enjoy it.
Just scrape away 4% of it.
They would say, this is absurd.
Get this man out of here.
He's too big for the table, et cetera.
So, where is it hiding?
Where's water hiding?
Allegedly, it makes up everything.
Where is it fucking hiding in that case?
And why is it hiding?
It's afraid of me.
This is a great question to investigate.
I've been getting, you know what?
I've been getting into it.
Up, down, left, and right, side to side.
I was in the water yesterday with Seth Meyers and his little boy.
Did Seth say what's up?
Did he say what's up?
Let me just put it this way.
I rode a boogie board yesterday in a wave surrounded by children between the
ages of 6 and 13.
And then my giant ass.
I rode a wave splash right up to the, literally up to the feet of Seth Meyers.
Seth, what's up, man?
I said, I think I looked up, I saw Seth Meyers.
I said, yo, Seth, he didn't hear me, and I did not say hi to him.
Fuck, but he remembers you.
Damn.
I don't know.
I didn't confirm, or I can't confirm nor deny, but I could show you a picture
of him holding hands with his son.
Damn.
Put it on the busted paparazzi, dude.
Blur, blur it all out.
Blur.
Everyone's blur both of their faces out.
Please, Julio.
Blur it out or make it into an amazing Polaroid-style photo.
You should have showed him that.
Hey, man.
Seth.
Hey, dude.
Good morning.
Check him out.
Jack, you have your laminated packet, right, for Late Night with Seth Meyers?
Yeah, I keep it.
On your always?
Yeah.
The waterproof Late Night Packet?
Of course I got that thing on me.
By the way, we need to speak about the threat to Late Night right now.
Oh, good God.
I didn't want to fucking touch this with a 10-foot pole, but here we go.
No, we have to talk about it, man.
No, no.
I said, but here we go, because, yeah, we have to discuss this.
Hey, Paramount, I hope you like drinking bullets.
I mean, here's the thing.
It's not a laughing matter, okay?
And I hopped on the fucking phone immediately with Jamie Lee Curtis, who you
probably saw
on the news.
It was going off on the red carpet about it.
But we're hatching a plan to basically bring Late Night back on a new network,
on the Oxygen
Network.
How about on the Hydrogen Network, where they didn't even know about that yet?
The Hydrogen Network?
Yeah, that's right.
The ally, straight ally network.
Why don't we make a show called The Blue Molecule, and it's completely
independent.
We operate on our own radio waves, so they can't ever shut us down.
By the way, you can, one of the first phrases you know in life, you can kill an
idea, wait,
you can kill a person, but you can't kill a fucking idea.
So yeah, they may have drawn and quartered Colbert, but when his skin sliced
open into
fourths, 16 democratic satirical spiders crawled out of each quadrant of those
four.
And if you try to slice those, guess what?
32 brave satirical Trump impersonators are going to rise from the ashes.
Exactly.
We need to protect the satirists of the world right now.
They are under threat.
We need to, let me pitch, let me pitch Stephen Colbert an idea real quick.
Okay.
Maine.
A compound in the rural, in rural Maine.
Like Tucker Carlson kind of does.
Huh?
You know, Tucker Carlson has kind of his own compound that he operates in the
Northeast in the rural world.
That's good for him.
And he's, he's off the grid.
He's independent.
You see that my conversations with him worked.
Exactly.
And he finally seen the light of day about all these issues.
I'll compound on, I'll compound Tucker Carlson and compound him.
But Nate, you're saying a giant liberal compound?
No, liberal, white, take all the white male straight allies, put them in a
compound with vegetables, root vegetables.
And pair them each w