Name: Tim's Cook Off
Uploaded: 2014-01-28T18:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim's Cook Off' from Tim and Eric on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-01-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim's Cook Off' from Tim and Eric on Comedy Buff. Published 2014-01-28. Transcript available.

- Coming up on Tim's Cook-Off.
Tim faces his toughest critic yet.
- Tim Kardecker, you suck.
- In a battle that started on the internet.
- You don't know who I am and what I'm cooking.
- But will end in the kitchen.
- She's nothing, she's shit, she's garbage.
- These contestants will compete
in a one-on-one cook-off,
where the winner will be determined by our secret judge.
- I do have a very sensitive stomach.
If it's something white like salads, it's totally fine.
- The dish, chili.
Let's meet our challengers.
-
- My name is Angela Mike, and I born in Greece,
and I got married in Virginia, like 32 years ago.
- My name is Tim Heidecker.
I am an actor, comedian, producer, writer, director,
one of the founding members of the
JASH Comedy Collective here on YouTube.com.
- When I saw Tim's Kitchen Tips, I thought it was gross.
- I don't like to keep a clean kitchen until after I'm done cooking.
- How can he cook like this and then have someone, you know, judge his food and
test it?
- Go ahead and try this.
This is just kind of your classic French onion dip with a little twist.
It just tastes like sour cream and mustard.
- I don't want to eat this.
- When I saw the video of that foreign woman criticizing my work...
- Tim Heidecker, you suck!
- I really felt disappointed that such a horrible person could be somewhere so
close to our nation's capital in Alexandria, Virginia.
- How are you?
- Hi.
- What's your name again?
- Angela.
- Oh, okay.
Who cares?
- Maybe two, three times a year I make chili.
I'm good at it.
- I've been making chili for many, many years.
I think I'm a lock.
I think there's no way I'm going to lose.
First thing I want to do...
- Oh, the kidney beans?
- That okay.
- Yes.
I like kidney beans because it's soft and it gives flavor.
- Shut up.
- You can just tell by the sound of her voice.
Her weak attempts at the English language is a good sign of the lack of
intelligence.
- Personally, I don't think Tim is a good cook.
- A lot of people like to do a lot of sauteing and pre-cooking things.
And cooking onions and whatnot.
It doesn't matter.
You can cook everything at the same time.
It's supposed to be a one-pot dish.
- I like to saute first.
- Oh, you don't know what you're doing.
- I think he does weird stuff.
- So here we have baked beans.
I'm going to put these baked beans in there.
And that's got little pieces of bacon in there.
You can see.
And those are delicious.
If you like a BLT or anything like that, you could save these, put these aside.
- I put my red...
- Shut up!
- He touches all the food with his hands.
- All right, so all these dumb beans going...
If you ever look at the bottom of my chili plate, whenever I eat chili out of a
bowl,
you'll always see a big collection of beans, because I don't like to eat beans.
- And then he collects all that food and put it back in the pot.
- Are you serious?
How can someone cook like this?
- All right, let's take a look at this before I put it on the stove, just so
you see
the transformation that's going to happen.
So here we are.
You see all that?
Look at all that great meat and corn.
This is just going to cook, and it's going to have a fun time cooking.
It's really going to open up all the flavors.
- You don't know what you're talking about.
- Let me tell you something.
- I have no issues getting physical with you.
I think she should go back to where she came from.
I'm not talking about Virginia.
One more trip.
East.
So we are ready to put this on the pot,
and then I'm ready to go sit on the pot, because I ate something.
I didn't cook my eggs enough this morning, so I've got diarrhea.
- Mine's ready. - Mine too?
- Mine is absolutely, this is exactly where I want it to be.
Okay, ready to present to the judge.
Hello, Eric.
- Hello.
My chili.
First of all, it's a Sunday, and it is my sister's birthday.
All my family is in town.
Chefs, thank you for your offering.
Chili number one, Greek.
It's got a good aroma.
Nice.
Good depth of flavor.
I was hoping for a little bit more of a Greek essence.
It's also a Sunday, so I just, I wish I was with my sister on her birthday.
My family's in town.
Okay.
Some hot acres.
I have some large chunks of, I don't know what meat that is.
Oh, hot dog.
You know, I do have a familiar feeling when I look at this.
Not because it's something I ate, but it's something I'm going through, you
know, medically right now.
Yes, Chef.
Time for a bite.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
I'm sorry.
I totally forgot my last ingredient.
It's a little garnish that makes the dish.
It's my piss-mints.
Let me just do this for you.
Um, okay, now the chili has sort of changed the whole...
Team, be very afraid because I think I'm about to win.
You know, there's a real nice contrast of that of, like, pretty low-level chili
and just mustard, you know?
I understand that, Chef.
Thank you, Chefs, for your offering.
Miss Greek, you, uh, your chili was good.
That said, I was looking for a little bit more of a flair.
Tim, um, your chili at first, it had a very unappetizing look.
But that said, I do admire your creativity, and I know there's, you know, your
deal with piss-mints is important to you and your family.
You know, I just wish that you would have thought about my family and, you know,
my sister having her birthday.
And I'm going to be pretty late to that, and I'm probably going to have a lot
of just, you know, digestive issues.
So that will, they'll change my experience with my family because I had to come
and judge this shit, so.
Mm-hmm.
So the winner of Tim's Chili Cook-Off is...
Tim Heidecker.
Yes!
This is what you get when you mess with somebody online.
I'm very disappointed, and I don't think that was fair.
Eric is Tim's friend.
I mean, both were okay, you know?
I mean, I just had to look at Tim as an old friend.
Thank you.
Yeah, this is the last time I'm going to do this bullshit, okay?
I understand.
I have to show up to work with Tim on Monday with a smile and try to get some
comedy going.
This Greek woman, I hope I never see her again.
So that's how I base my decision, Tim wins.