Name: Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee | Episode 1
Uploaded: 2020-02-17T17:15:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee | Episode 1' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee | Episode 1' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-17. Transcript available.

Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee | Episode 1

- Just stop.
- First of all.
- Can I talk?
This is a 50/50 podcast.
- Okay, go ahead.
- And I feel like you think that you're the captain
of the ship?
- I am.
- No, we're like the lighthouse.
We're the two dudes in the lighthouse.
- It says right here the most she's ever lifted
is two Hyundais.
- If you want to Google, let's Google.
- Two Hyundai Sonatas.
- If you want to Google, friend, let's Google.
- Don't try to tell me that my people are weak
and yours are strong.
- But two can play that game though, you know?
Irish ping pong players.
Let's go.
- Oh my God.
- Let's go.
- My point is, is that you go weightlifting,
I can go ping pong.
My point is--
- I'll beat you in ping pong.
- You two are bad friends.
- Who are these two idiots?
- A white dude and an Asian dude.
- You guys are weird.
- Andrew looking good.
- Have you seen a Korean guy around here?
- Who, Bobby?
- You two are sociopaths.
- You two are disgusting.
- You guys are nuts.
- You guys are sick.
- You two are wholesome and decent.
- They're all good, you two are back together.
- You guys are freaks.
- You are a bad friend.
- You two are dangerous when you're coordinating.
You guys are gross.
- Oh, you two are something.
- We're bad friends.
- Completely snapped.
- Hey, hey, those are supposed to be turned,
does that look right on camera?
The way that the bamboo looks?
I did bamboo so on purpose because of you.
- Oh, that's good.
- I went to Ikea this morning, literally at 10:00 a.m.
- And then you got that color,
I got that color for you because you're bland.
So.
- Hey, buddy.
- Hey, buddy.
- Khakis and I'm bland.
- Look at you.
You have a phony-ass vintage Coke shirt.
That's such a fucking.
- It's a 100% vintage shirt.
- From where?
Where is it from?
- I don't know where. - Jet rag.
- Not from jet rag. - It's fake.
- It's fake.
- You're fake.
- Yeah.
- All right.
- I am phony.
- You're funny.
- Turn it on.
Are we rolling already?
- They're already rolling.
- Pieces of shit.
- Don't say that to them.
- Both of these guys are fucking pieces of shit.
- I have already known that George is a piece of shit
because I've known him for very long.
- Let's do this real fast.
- Yeah.
- Let's thank George
'cause he did do a wonderful job on this studio.
Look at our new studio.
Thank you, George.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He's great.
It's wonderful.
When I got here, George was hanging shit up.
You do that, you do that when the papa is not here.
- Yeah.
- You don't do that when he's here ready to go.
- Yeah, George, you know what George said to me last night?
Who showed up last night, George?
I did, right?
With my dog.
And I said, George, where-
- Don't call your wife that.
- What?
What did you say?
- Don't call your wife that.
- I'll call her whatever the fuck I want.
I bought her.
I said to George, I said,
"Hey man, what are we gonna do tonight?"
And I dropped off some stuff
and he said, "I'm gonna put up some shelves."
Didn't do it.
- One shelf. - One shelf, didn't do it.
Did it right now.
If everyone can see at home,
I don't know if you can see it.
Screws sticking out, holes in the wall.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - Not so good.
- And then- - Not so good.
- The cacti.
- Yeah.
- One cacti.
- One cacti.
- Oh.
- You know what, dude?
- One cacti.
Don't do that.
Don't.
- Am I pull pot?
- Yeah.
- I am.
Yeah.
- Don't do that a buck.
- And it caused a lot of murder.
I'm so sorry.
- I bought you bamboo.
- Thank you, thank you, thank you.
- You know what you have, though?
- It's not even on camera, is it?
- It's not even on camera.
But here's what you have, right?
- What do I got?
- You have this hidden rage inside you.
- It's not hidden at all.
- I know, but it's, I understand that.
But when you have,
'cause I saw there will be blood and the oil, right?
- Sometimes they can see oil coming out of the soil.
- Right.
- That's what your rage is.
But underneath--
- It's bubbling.
- Is babolo.
- Babolo.
- Why, if you do an Asian accent again--
- I'm not, that's not an Asian,
why would that be an Asian accent?
- Babolo.
- No, babolo means, it's like a,
that's like a guttural, it's a babolo.
- Oh, yeah, yeah, okay.
- Oh, it's a babolo.
- I read it wrong.
- Bum, bum, bum, me, walking down the street.
- We're not doing that here.
- Feeling so good to me.
No, we're not.
- We're not doing that here.
- Bobby, I want to give you something.
I'm excited to do this with you real fast, okay?
Will you do this with me?
- Sure.
- Okay, do you know what the Oscars are?
- I love 'em.
- Do you know who got nominated?
- Oh, sure.
- So you know everything?
- Han Solo's son, what's his name?
Han Solo's son.
- What?
- The guy, he was on women, girls.
- Adam Driver?
- He did.
- Okay, that's the only one that you know?
- No, I know more.
- Which ones?
- DiCaprio.
- Did he get nominated?
- For best actor, yes.
- Did he really?
He did?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Fuck.
- He was great in that.
- All right, so one of the things that got nominated was the movie The Irishman.
Did you watch The Irishman?
- No?
- Okay, we're about to reenact one of my favorite scenes from The Irishman,
okay?
- Well, can I watch the movie first before we do it?
- Nope, that's the best part.
- Okay, can I be Joe Petro?
- Okay, you can either be Jimmy Hoffa.
- Oh, I want to be Jimmy Hoffa.
- Do you know who Jimmy Hoffa is?
- Yeah, he was a union guy.
- Okay, so you want to be Jimmy Hoffa.
- Then he disappeared.
- That's right.
You want to be Jimmy Hoffa?
- Yeah.
- That's Jimmy Hoffa's lines, and I'm going to be Tony Pro, and if people that
have seen
the movie know who Tony Pro is, okay?
I want you to act this out very seriously.
- All right.
Fuck it, let's go.
- No, no, let's fucking read it.
Let's do it the right way.
Okay, ready?
- I'm just rehearsing.
- This is for the Oscar season.
All right, ready?
- Yeah.
- Interior private club Miami-Day, 1972.
Frank and Jimmy waited a table for Tony Pro to show up.
- Wait, can I improvise?
- Fuck, dude, fuck.
- Can I improvise?
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Frank and Jimmy waited a table for Tony Pro to show up.
- Jimmy checks his watch, looks at Frank.
- Ay, fuck it, fuck it, yeah, fuck.
- Cut.
You're going to have to get through the first line if we're going to be able to
do this.
- I'm improvising.
- You have to get through the first line without a doubt.
You're going to have to get through it.
- So I can improvise?
- That's improvising?
- Fuck it, fuck it, fuck it.
You did a record scratch.
You just said fuck it four times.
- But read the thing again.
- Interior private club Miami-Day, 1972.
- Ay, forget about it, okay.
- Jimmy, Frank and Jimmy waited a table for Tony Pro to show up.
Jimmy checks his watch, looks at Frank.
- Fuck it, let's go.
- Let's give him a few more minutes.
- This isn't right.
You don't do this.
You don't make a man wait.
- I know, I know.
- The only time you do that is when you want to say something, you know, when
you want
to say fuck you.
That's the only time.
- Frank nods.
They wait.
Jimmy, getting madder by the second.
Finally, a white Cadillac pulls out front and Pro wearing shorts and a short-sleeved
shirt
comes in with his cousin-in-law Tony Jack, who, unlike Pro, is wearing enough
clothes
to conceal a piece and join Jimmy and Frank at the table.
Can you believe this weather?
People are freezing to death in New York.
And look at us.
It's 80 outside.
It's perfect.
Why don't we live here year-round is what I want to know.
- It's...hey...hey...it's...it's summer.
- What?
- Hey, it's summer, you know, people aren't freezing to death in New York.
- In my mind, it's always eight degrees in New York.
I'm making a point.
- This is how you dress for a meeting?
This is how you dress in Florida?
- In a suit?
- For a meeting.
If it's Florida, 10 bucks too.
And you're late.
- What?
- You're late.
- There was traffic.
- It's never been late for a meeting in my life.
- Wasn't there traffic?
- There was.
- I never wait for anybody who's late for more than 10 minutes.
- Ah, I'd say 15.
15 is right.
- No, no, no, 10.
- I don't think so.
10 is not enough.
You gotta take traffic into account.
- That is taking traffic into account, buddy.
That's why it's 10.
- I still say 15.
- 10.
- Fine, we disagree on that.
- More than 10.
You're saying something.
Are you saying something to me?
- I'm here.
That says what it says.
What can I do for you?
- I wanna ask you for endorsements for something.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Before you tell me,
let's get the other thing straightened out.
- I can't do anything about your pension.
Not with Fitz out there.
With Fitz there,
you should talk about your Fitz about it.
- I did.
He says he'll take care of it.
No questions asked.
You wouldn't do that, but he will.
I meant the other thing.
- The other thing?
- You know.
- I don't know.
- Your apology.
- My apology for what?
- For what you said when you were sitting there
eating your fucking ice cream like some fucking king.
That was an ethnic slur, you people.
- I apologize for that.
After you apologize for being late,
you motherfucking whop, cocksucker.
- I'll apologize for being late
after I kidnapped your granddaughter,
rip her guts out,
and sent them into you in a fucking envelope.
- Whoa, we did it?
How was that dead on?
Just like the movie? - Was that a good scene?
Was that just like the movie?
I just feel like it was.
- That's what I think.
We should win an award for that.
- We should win something for that, right?
- You know what I was going to do?
I was going to print out some old stuff of yours
to make you reread from some of your earlier stuff,
but I didn't want to do it.
- Why? You wanted to shame me in front of everyone?
- Harold and Kumar.
No, I was going to print out your scene from Harold and Kumar,
because I thought that was one of my favorite scenes you ever did.
- We should do scenes from other classics, you know?
- Yeah, we could do scenes all the time from other classics.
- Raging Bull, I want to do Raging Bull.
- You want to do that? - You fuck my wife?
- You fuck my wife?
- I want, you fuck my wife?
- Why do you go, when you were doing that impression
of an Italian guy, why did you go back and forth
between like a weird old Asian guy
to then like a, like a slow, like a slow.
- I know because I don't, I don't do it.
- You're, I don't do it.
- I didn't say it like that, fucker.
- Yes, you do. Yeah, you did.
- Did I really?
- I don't do it, isn't that what it sounded like?
I don't do it.
- Yeah, because dude, I don't do Italian accents.
- Can you not do any accents?
When you go in for an audition,
if they say we need an accent, what do you do?
I had to do Boston today.
Do Boston for me.
- Can you do, I'll do a line, you'd say a line, I'll try.
- Okay.
- All right, go ahead.
- I'll say exactly from the show, ready?
- Go ahead.
- He goes, "It's a..."
- That's a, yeah.
- He said, "Yeah, what a great, hold on,
I have to look, I have to look away from it now."
- Yeah, yeah, look at me.
- I have to close my eyes while I do it.
If I look at you while I do it, it's gonna be hard.
- Just don't do the fucking audition,
just do a line that you would say if you're from Boston.
- Oh, bro, yeah, fucking over there where,
yeah, that's where, that's where we live.
That's why Brady's the best.
He's the best quarterback.
Quarterback.
- I can't do it.
There's no way I can do it.
- Brady, Brady, Brady, Brady, Brady.
Brady, Brady, Brady, Brady, Brady, Brady.
Now you sound like a little Italian woman.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That's how you should have read this.
Brady, Brady.
- Yeah, here's the thing, dude.
- Did you really audition for a Marvel movie today?
- Yeah, I did.
- Did you feel good about it?
- The first take, no.
But I thought the--
- You're not gonna be, what are you gonna be in the movie?
Not a superhero.
Good God, no.
You'll be like a--
- That's so fucking rude that you said that.
- You think you have a superhero body?
- It doesn't matter.
- Yeah, it does.
- There are--
- Name a superhero that looks like you.
- Toad from X-Men.
- Yeah?
- There are superheroes you're not even