Name: Great Start, Fantastic Finish! | Ep 2 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2020-02-24T17:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Great Start, Fantastic Finish! | Ep 2 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Great Start, Fantastic Finish! | Ep 2 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-24. Transcript available.

Great Start, Fantastic Finish! | Ep 2 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee

I had been doing porn for like two years.
I've been doing it since I was 19 and I'm 23 now.
And my brother was on Tumblr because he was scrolling through
and he literally saw a picture of me fisting my own ass.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You guys are weird.
Andrew looking good.
Have you seen a Korean guy around here?
Who, Bobby?
You two are sociopaths.
You two are disgusting.
You guys are nuts.
You guys are sick.
You two are wholesome and decent.
Oh, good.
You two are back together.
You guys are freaks.
You are a bad friend.
You two are dangerous when you coordinate.
You guys are close.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
So do you want to start the podcast telling people that you don't care
that you hit my wife's car last week?
Well, I mean, you could be anybody's car.
I wouldn't give a fuck.
You hit my wife's car.
I don't give a fuck.
And guess what, dude?
How much do I owe her?
15 grand.
Well, I'll give it the 15 grand.
Well, then give it to me cash.
It doesn't cost 15 grand, though.
Yes, it does.
You have no idea what it costs.
What is it?
You have no idea what it costs.
You know what's cost 15 grand?
What?
That stupid haircut that you have.
15 grand.
You think my haircut costs 15 fucking grand?
Yeah, it's so fancy.
Is that like you're doing a Leave it to Beaver kind of thing with a Nazi heart?
It's not Leave it to Beaver.
You have a Nazi heart.
It is a little bit of a Nazi.
It's a little Hitler youth.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Someone has to be tidy on this podcast.
Wow.
So I'm going to be nice and tidy.
Look, dude.
I do not appreciate you hitting my wife's car and you don't give a fuck at all.
You don't even know how much-
Well, then ask me.
Then ask me if I give a fuck.
Do you give a fuck?
Yeah.
Bob.
I do.
No, you don't.
Is she hurt?
No, she's not hurt, dude.
No one was in the car.
I know she was.
You hit a parked car while you were parking.
It means nothing to me.
It really doesn't.
It means zero.
That's so fucked up.
Well, you're my friend, right?
Okay.
And I want to be completely like out front and honest with you.
Yeah.
I literally don't feel anything.
But just say I'm sorry.
No.
Bob.
You know how many times you've hurt me?
I haven't hit your car.
I know, but you've physically hurt my fucking vessel.
I've hurt your body.
My vessel.
I understand.
Your body.
Spacesuit.
That's not a vessel.
It is.
Where does my soul live?
In my vessel.
You think you've got a soul.
It's small.
It's a very, very small soul.
Let me tell you something.
Your vessel can be hit and incurred little damage over the years.
You hit my wife's car.
You didn't even care at all.
You didn't even say I'm sorry.
And I said, you hit my wife's car.
And you said what?
I don't care.
How much is it?
I don't want to say I don't care.
I said, I don't give a fuck.
I said it like this.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't.
What?
I don't.
No.
That's Stephen Hawking robot you.
I don't.
Oh, yeah.
I thought you were doing an Asian accent again.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't.
That's an Asian accent.
I don't give a fuck.
This is what you're doing.
Hey.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't give a fuck.
How much do you think it costs to fix a bumper?
I don't know.
Two grand.
Okay.
Okay.
Give me two grand.
I will.
Perfect.
I won't.
Why?
I will not.
You just said you were going to.
I refuse.
Okay.
Let's let it go.
That's fine.
I'm going to make you a deal.
Yeah.
Make me a deal.
I'm not going to make you a deal.
I'm going to just say something.
Okay.
Say something.
All right.
I purposely hit your wife's stupid fucking car and there's no feeling behind it.
I know.
And I don't give a fuck.
I know.
I know you did.
And that's the honest truth.
I'm not going to give you any money.
No, I know.
No apology.
I know.
You get nothing from me.
Yeah, I get it.
Right?
You can hit mine all day long.
Yeah, I don't want to hit your car because it's a Prius.
It's already a piece of shit.
I don't need.
Hitting a piece of shit doesn't make it worse.
It just continues its piece of shitness.
Yeah.
If I hit your car with my nice car, what a waste of time for me.
My car is nice.
Yours is a piece of shit.
You, by the way.
You know, when redheaded people-
It's filled with trash.
They do the redheaded thing.
It smells like shit.
They don't do the face as well.
You want to do the face as well?
The red face?
Yeah, I'm going to do the red face.
God.
Don't get upset with me because of the way I look.
Because I don't get upset with you by the way you look.
I look good.
No, you don't.
For my type?
What do you think you are on a scale of one to ten?
What's the- on cuteness?
A ten.
If you're on hotornot.com.
Bro, I have facts to prove that I'm cute, bro.
Really?
Dude, when I-
Give it to me.
When I was on that monkey show-
Yeah.
I was on a monkey show called Animal Practice.
Yeah, for about ten, fifteen minutes.
I remember it.
Thirteen episodes.
Oh, it was a good show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, it was a really good show.
It was written extremely well.
Everyone liked it.
Everybody wants it to come back.
Yeah.
Right.
Why don't you guys say in the comments-
What about your show, Mixed Drinks, or whatever that was?
At least I got-
At least I got to work with Larry Charles.
Oh, and I've done work with him as well.
I know, but who did you work with on the monkey show?
Who directed-
The Russo brothers?
Okay.
Are they bigger than Larry Charles?
The guy who did Borat?
Are the Russo brothers bigger than the guy that did Borat?
They did Avengers Endgame?
Yeah.
Let me see the parallel of comedy for the monkey show between Avengers Endgame.
All right.
George, you be the deciding factor.
In terms of money making, in terms of cultural impact.
I'm saying-
Avengers Endgame or Borat.
I love Borat.
It was one of my favorite comedy movies of all time.
Not money.
I was also in The Dictator.
Larry Charles.
Anyway, go-
Yeah, you were in The Dictator.
Yeah, I was.
You were Kim Jong?
No, that was the interview.
You were Kim Jong-un or Kim Jong-il.
The Dictator was Sasha Baron Cohen.
Wait, no, no.
You were Kim Jong-il, weren't you?
That's Randall Park that was on the other fucking-
Oh, he's great.
I love that guy.
All right.
He's one of my favorite Asian actors.
Yeah, I love Ron Howard.
He's one of my favorites, too.
He should be.
He's an iconic person who was in Andy Griffith as Opie Taylor, and then went on
to be
one of the greatest characters of all time in Happy Days.
Okay?
Let me ask you something, George.
Piece of shit.
In terms of culture impact.
Implact.
Endgame or Borat?
Borat.
Yes.
Borat.
What's quoted more?
100%.
My wife.
Who quotes Avengers?
Give me one quote line from Avengers Endgame.
Let's go in the building.
That was in it, right?
Ah!
When they got shot.
Oh, ah was in it.
Ah was in it.
Let's go in the building.
Hulk, men of war for Fanta Hives.
Hulk metaphorical at times?
And he went, go, go, go, and he did that.
A go, go, go?
Yeah.
He goes, go, go, go, I'm Hulk.
Bobby, where have you been, by the way?
Tell everyone you've been in Hawaii.
I haven't, yeah, I was in Hawaii.
What were you doing in Hawaii?
Well, as you know, my dad died.
No, that is, that's not why you went to fucking Hawaii.
Yes.
No, it's not.
My dad died.
Okay, don't.
Fuck you.
Okay, dude.
All right.
A lot of people's dads are dead.
Okay.
Not that big of a deal.
Is your dad dead?
Not literally, but metaphorically, I guess.
But you don't know how it feels.
Yes, I do.
That your dad died?
Your dad hasn't died.
My dad's not dead, but I don't know him that well.
Did he abandon you?
Yeah.
I'm so happy about that.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah.
Why do you-
But I was in Hawaii.
Can I explain?
Yeah, please.
So the first leg of Hawaii, I had to shoot, I reoccur on a show.
Tell them what the show is.
Called Magnum P.I.
Why are you laughing?
No, it's a great show.
Right?
I know.
It's better than Mixed Nuts, the show that you were on.
Not even on it anymore.
It was eight years ago.
Go ahead.
Okay, so and then-
I'm laughing because I think it's funny.
Do you know the cultural relevance of the original Magnum P.I. or no?
I have no idea what it is, no.
The original Magnum P.I.?
No.
Do you know there was one before the one you're doing right now?
I just found that out, yes.
Holy shit.
Do you know who the star was?
Tommy Sallack.
Tommy Sallack?
Tom Sallack.
Tom Sallack.
Tom Sallack.
Mustachioed man of the 80s and 90s.
Oh, yeah.
And then there was a helicopter black man.
What?
There was a man in the original who was a black guy who rode the helicopter.
Sure.
And that's all I know about.
Let's not talk about helicopters and black guys right now.
That's very weird.
That's you.
That's a bad-
I didn't know what you were talking about when you said that.
That was my Ari Shaffir joke.
That was good.
It was great.
Yeah, thank you.
You did a great job.
I know you-
No, so then I-
Well, let me finish.
Go.
So I did Magnum, and then my mother's never gone anywhere in the world except
for Korea
in the United States.
She's never been to Europe?
No.
Whoa.
My mother took care of my dad for the last 12 years because he was really sick.
Prior to that, though?
She's never gone anywhere.
I'm asking why not?
Because she just didn't want to, and my dad is not a traveler.
He doesn't give a shit, and so they just never went anywhere.
Now your dad can go wherever he wants.
Yeah.
He can float there.
Do you believe in ghosts?
Well, he floats underground.
You think your dad's in hell?
I don't know, man.
He wasn't a spiritual guy.
No?
No.
But anyway, my-
No, he wasn't.
Really?
No.
He didn't go to church?
No, my dad was a rageaholic.
You already know this.
I know.
Yeah, he's a bad-
He was like, I love him, but he was just a really rage-
He was too much.
Yeah.
Okay, so go on.
So then I went to Hawaii, and then at the tail end of it, my mom flew to Maui.
How nice.
And we stayed at the Grand Waialea.
One of the best hotels in Hawaii.
Hotel, and we did a lot of eating and traveling around, and she really loved it.
She's never seen a waterfall before.
Really?
Yeah.
That's-
What was that like to feel her watch a waterfall for the first time?
Was that really-
Did that really-
Like, was that really a moving moment for you?
Huh?
Yeah, because it didn't happen yet.
Bobby, we have to lie to you.
You know, but it's weird to talk about something that didn't happen yet.
It doesn't matter.
They don't know that we didn't do this yet.
I know, but it's like, what if something happened in Hawaii where I was
thinking, like,
you know, my mom didn't have a good time.
Well, let's try to predict how it went.
Ready?
I'm your mom.
Anyone listening now, let's just say it.
Anybody listening right now, we're taping this early because Bobby's going to
Hawaii to
shoot a bunch of Magnum PI episodes, and I told him not to do it, but it's
fucking up
the release of the show.
Anyway, let's pretend that we're in Hawaii.
This is what's going to happen.
Yeah.
I'm your mother.
Yeah.
And you're you, and we're seeing a waterfall for the first time.
Ready?
Yeah, yeah.
Bobby, stop peeing.
I'm your fucking mom.
Oh, I'm fucking-
You're you.
Oh.
That's the waterfall.
Why did you think, Bob, you're pissing in this fucking episode?
Because of this, it was sort of like, shh, shh, shh, shh.
I'm who am I?
Can we back up, though?
You're Bobby Lee.
Who else are you supposed to be in this fucking scenario?
I don't know.
There's other people going.
There's two characters in this scene.
You and your fucking mom.
Uh-huh.
Which one do you think you should be?
Well, I-
Which one do you think you should be?
I think I'm closely-
I think I better understand the character of Bobby Lee.
You're right.
Do you-
Would you like to be your mother and I'll be you?
Yeah.
Okay.
Let's do that.
Let's role play.
Okay.
Here we go.
We're at the waterfall.
I want to do the sound.
I'm Bobby Lee.
I want to do the sound.
Do the sound.
Ma'am.
Ma'am.
Ma'am, do you like waterfall?
Have you ever seen before?
That's not what it sounds like.
That's exactly what you sound like.
Ma'am.
Ma'am, do you like waterfa