Name: Staycation 2020 | Ep 5 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2020-03-21T16:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staycation 2020 | Ep 5 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Staycation 2020 | Ep 5 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-21. Transcript available.

Staycation 2020 | Ep 5 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

I was in Washington with Kalilah, and we were at a restaurant, and the lady
next to us dies.
Shut up.
She started choking?
No, she just died.
Collapsed.
You know what I mean?
And Kalilah gets up, and she's now, because Kalilah's a nurse, so she's doing
like compressions
on the chest, and everyone's calling 911.
It's chaos.
And Kalilah looks up, and I have my iPad with me, and I'm playing Candy Crush.
We're both friends.
You ready to start?
Have we already started?
What are you wearing?
Oh, you're doing jokes.
You're doing a fucking...
You're doing a fucking...
Welcome back to Bad Friends.
You're doing a joke.
No, I'm trying to stay protected.
It's so dumb what you're doing right now.
I have no idea what's going to happen, Bob.
But you're...
But you're saying that I'm Chinese?
I didn't say you're Chinese.
Then why don't I...
Where's my suit?
You don't...
What if I get sick?
From who?
From you.
Yeah, but you're...
You're closer to the...
No, it's fucking racist.
It's not racist.
Yeah, it's like when that politician was saying it's the China coronavirus.
First of all, I'm not Chinese.
But you're...
It's close, though.
It's not close at all, because I'm an American.
I've never even been there.
You've been to Korea.
Yeah, like 10 years ago to do a music video.
Who knows if it started 10 years ago and it just latched on to you and held on
for a long time.
Oh, you fucking idiot.
We do have a...
Can we have...
Can we get his suit, please?
No, no, no.
I don't want one.
I don't need one.
You just said you wanted a suit.
Don't even give me one.
Don't even give me one, because the thing is, it's a bit.
You know what I mean?
He's doing some sort of SNL bit.
This isn't a bit.
You're going to do some sort of scientist character now?
No, I'm just...
Are you the who guy now?
I'm just trying to stay safe.
Do you like some of the new art that got put up?
Look behind you.
Beautiful, darling.
You're pure gold.
Honestly, dude.
You know, you got to stop shopping at Ikea.
No, no, no.
This is George.
You're the kind of white guy that goes, let's get first or let's go to Ikea.
Let's get the meatballs.
I said, George, get some great stuff.
And he got some great stuff here.
Can we show...
Give me scissors.
Do you have scissors?
I can't take this off.
Whoa, whoa.
No, Bob.
I spent so long practicing getting that.
You spent so much time putting that up.
I was at Target for like an hour and a half yesterday, choosing all this stuff.
Target?
Yeah.
Yeah.
He picked out some great stuff.
We're like one of the top 300 podcasts in the world.
You're going to fucking go to Target?
See what I mean?
You do set up all this for one laugh.
See what happens?
And now you're embarrassed.
You're like, oh, should I take this suit off or not?
No, I'm going to leave the suit on, but I want to show you some of the other
cool art.
Look at the roses.
Look at the roses.
Look at that.
That's a tapestry.
Does that remind you of home?
There you go.
Thank you, Bob.
Bob.
Oh, God.
Look at this.
Look at how cute that is.
Little wreath.
Look at this flower.
It's just like we're in that movie fucking Summer Summer.
What's that movie with the score movie?
Summer Summer.
Yeah, yeah.
Oh, my God.
Uh-oh.
Uh-oh.
Last night.
Hey, look.
It knows.
Look.
It knows.
What does?
It knows.
It knows what?
It knows.
It...
Nothing knows nothing.
It knows.
Here's another thing, dude.
What?
Last night.
What?
Get out of here.
Yell at him more.
Yell at him more.
Give me scissors so I can cut this down.
See what you did?
Right there.
Give me those scissors that he's got.
I'm going to cut it down because I want you to be honest.
Look, it's a...
I just want to stay...
Stay safe.
Stay, stay.
Stay, stay.
Last night, I'm at the comedy store.
And so I'm bringing up Chris D'Elia on stage.
Yeah.
And we do a little banter.
And, you know, so he makes a scene, like, from front of the audience.
Because we're friends.
So he makes, you know, a little banter and, like, about a phone call we had or
whatever.
Yeah.
And then afterwards, there's these two frat jockey dudes that walk up to me
after the show.
Hey, what's up, bro?
We fucking love you, Bob.
No, they don't do that.
They go, you know Chris D'Elia?
Because you, like, did a banter with them.
I go, bitchy, bitchies.
He knows me as well.
Ooh.
Little bitchy, bitchies.
You didn't like it that they didn't know who you were?
Is that what it was?
It's not just that.
And they go, can we meet him?
Yeah.
As if I'm sort of like now his agent or his, like, publicist or something.
Well, could you make it happen?
I did.
I did a meet great.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then, then, and then Bob Saget, every time I see Bob Saget now for the last
15 years, he doesn't say, hey, Bobby.
He doesn't say, you know, hey, how's life?
This is what he says.
He always says, what is his opening line?
He says, I almost didn't recognize you with clothes on.
Uh, well.
Bitch, bitchy, bitch, Bob Saget.
Papa not a nudist.
Bitchy, bitch.
Hey, bitchy, bitch.
Papa wears clothes all the time.
Do you really?
Twice I got naked on something that he saw me on.
You're an exhibitionist for sure.
You do get naked a lot.
Not as an older man, bitchy, bitch.
Don't get mad.
I'm not Bob Saget.
Oh, that's all right.
Sorry, my bad.
Don't get mad at me.
Here, I'll be Bob Saget.
Ready?
Yeah.
Hey, Bob.
Uh, one time I fucked Michelle on set.
Uh.
He does that on stage.
I know.
He talks about fucking the kids from Full House on stage.
I know.
It's funny, though.
It's not.
It's gross?
Yeah, it's disgusting.
Those were kids.
He did the show with kids.
It's creepy stuff.
I don't like it at all.
I don't like it?
I don't like it.
He literally goes like,
Yeah, one time Michelle was licking my butt.
I don't know who the Michelle is.
Is that a good one?
That's a little girl.
It's a little tiny baby.
Oh, that was his wife.
In the show.
Oh, Michelle's the little one?
He didn't have a wife.
He was gay on the show.
Oh, he was?
Wasn't he gay on the show?
Michelle's the little one?
Michelle's the baby.
Oh, fuck.
You don't do that to the baby.
Dude, he used to make jokes about it.
I saw him do it at the factory a long time ago.
I don't know if he still does that stuff.
He was gay on that show, though, wasn't he?
Was he gay?
Is he gay now?
Is he gay now?
I don't know.
I don't think so.
I don't think so.
No, but I think on the show he was gay.
He's quite a nice guy, though.
I don't know him.
I love him.
You don't know him?
I don't know him.
You know, I love all those older dudes.
We don't know each other.
I like him.
I like Howie Mandel a lot.
I don't know him either.
You don't?
No.
He likes, what, I like Louie Andrey.
Louie Anderson?
Yeah.
I mean.
He's a very interesting man.
Why are you upset right now?
Did you have a bad night last night?
You bitchy.
Tell me what happened.
Hey, bitchy, bitch.
Did you have a long night last night?
No, I'm going to tell you something right now.
What I say to you privately...
You don't have to talk about it.
...before I come in here...
Yeah.
...isn't necessarily stuff.
And I already told you that I didn't even want to talk about nothing.
We're not going to talk about it.
Okay.
But, you know...
You were up all night.
I was up all night.
You got no sleep.
That's all you have to say.
I had no sleep last night.
So you're bummed.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
And...
Do you think it's depleting your immune system and you might get corona?
Hey, man.
Huh?
Are you going to keep with this coronavirus stuff, man?
It's what's happening.
What?
Five people have it.
Five people have it?
In L.A., maybe.
Thousands of people have it.
On planet Earth?
You know how many people live on planet Earth?
How many?
At least 500,000.
There's no way it's that high.
No, there's billions of people that live on Earth.
There's billions of people that live on planet Earth.
And it's like...
You know, if I were...
Like in Wuhan.
Wuhan.
Wherever that place is.
Wuhan.
You know what I mean?
Wuhan.
You know, the Chinamen on it.
You know, the Chinamen that live there.
So racist.
Wuhan.
I'm sorry.
No, the beautiful Chinese people that live there.
Mm-hmm.
There's a billion people that live there.
If I brought you to a beach, right?
If I brought you a...
So how many people died from it?
3,000 maybe?
How many people have died so far?
In China.
A lot.
3,000.
I think upwards of 5,000 or 6,000.
Let's suppose that's the case.
Okay, go ahead.
Let's suppose it.
But there's a billion people that live there.
That's like if I said, hey, on this beach, one grain of sand on this beach has
the coronavirus.
So don't put your foot on it.
You would be making sandcastles running around the beach.
You wouldn't give a fuck, bro.
125,000 cases, 4,500 deaths.
On Earth.
Yeah.
You know how many people die from...
The flu?
HIV.
How many people die from HIV?
I don't know a year.
In fact, today, did you hear what happened?
No.
The second case ever of HIV got cured in London.
Oh.
In the history of HIV, the second guy on Earth...
Yeah.
Cured.
Oh, so we can...
We can cure the HIV now.
Oh, we can freeball it now.
We can freeball it.
Oh, shit.
Raw dog.
Yeah, raw dog.
All the time.
Don't use condoms.
Don't use condoms.
Dude, how crazy is that?
The second guy on Earth.
It's so funny because it's like all these little cure things happen when I...
You know, so, for instance, you know, I got in a long-term relationship.
So, no, that doesn't even matter to me.
What, the HIV?
Yeah, because I can't freeball up with random women because I'm in a
relationship.
And it's the same thing.
I got sober and then they legalized marijuana.
Yeah, you want to come back?
No, I can't do any of those anymore, you know?
That's a good thing, though, right?
Look, this is still a climbing number.
This is still going to keep going.
You know, some of the fans have sent in videos saying that they're fighting
corona
and they want to show you how they're fighting corona.
Can I show you how some of them?
This is Tevin Frame.
He's fighting corona his own way.
Yeah.
Here's Tevin.
Let's see what he has to say.
Okay?
Mm-hmm.
What's up, bad friends?
I heard you guys were looking for a video about how I'm fighting against the
coronavirus.
So here it is.
Right now, I'm following a strict regimen of...
...supplements that I take three times a day.
These supplements include elderberry syrup, vitamin C, and locally sourced
honey.
Now, I know what you're thinking.
It's good.
How did these products help me fight against the coronavirus?
The A24 movie.
Well done.
Oh, cute.
Cute doggy.
Wipe it on the dog.
He says, I don't know.
But I haven't gotten the coronavirus yet.
Maybe I have some natural ability to understand it.
Tell me what you guys think.
What a cute young man.
He's a cute guy.
What do you think?
Do you think he's doing all the right things?
It looked like it.
This one, this is from Kara Gray.
Sounds like a porn star, but it's not.
Look, she looks Russian.
Russian.
She says, I'm fighting coronavirus.
She has knives, like 15 knives in her pocket.
I sell bootleg DVD of bad boys.
Hey, guys.
My name is Kara, and I am dealing with the coronavirus.
I hang out with all the dogs at my work, like beautiful princess Lacey.
Oh, I love dogs.
So cute.
Not a care in the world.
Yeah.
But also...
I like girls that look like that.
But also...
But look, is this dog blind?
She's Chinese.
Does that dog have no eyes?
Oh, my God.
Look at that fucking dog.
Does it have no eyes?
Yeah.
I don't get it.
Look, this...
Oh, maybe it was a Chinese...
Maybe it's Thai, Chinese, or no eyes.
This is a Wuhan dog.
It's a Wuhan dog.
This is a Wuhan dog.
Oh, fuck, man.
Oh, boy.
Well, Kara, you're done.
But Wuhan dogs, when they're alive, that's a good thing.
That is a good thing, though.
This is Jeremy...
What does that say?
Lanasa.
This guy is in Texas drunk.
He sent me this drunk in Texas.
Look at what he's doing.
Ready?
Yeah.
Oh, God.
Even his wife or girlfriend said,
you're disgusting.
It cuts it off.
But look, he's licking this table, this park bench.
No, thanks.
No, thank you.
No, thank you.
He definitely has it.
A