Name: Hi, America! | Ep 6 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2020-03-23T16:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hi, America! | Ep 6 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Hi, America! | Ep 6 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-23. Transcript available.

Hi, America! | Ep 6 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

when i was there fighting them koreans yeah i gotta tell you i came down from a
tough chopper
mission yeah one of them little nice korean birds she fed me some some what she
called was taco
she said taco here uh sir yeah what's that you hungry i'm starving what is that
this is uh
meatloaf oh meat i love me some meatloaf thank you so much what's your name
oh nice to meet you gong all right i'm gonna have some of this meatloaf
it's the end of the world as we know it
it's the end of the world as we know it
it's the end of the world as we know it and i feel fine
we're back we're back we're back we're back uh thank god thank god we're back
because um
i haven't left the house in five days brah kalilah kept you in jail she acts
like it's 1939
poland don't go outside they'll see you hide under the floorboards is it the
germans the germans are
here though it's it's it's she's act i know george is a nazi with 100 percent
she's like sarah connor
it's like shotgun you know what i mean and like the blue apron guy comes up the
the driveway right
she's like leave it at the gate that's what she's doing that's what she's doing
it's just it's out of
control and you're freaking out she's acting cray cray are you getting any
sleep no sleep yeah it's
like it it's not she's acting like it's the end of the world look at your
gloves by the way lift up
let's just show the camera why yeah look at how dirty that is yeah it's all
corona it's all corona
and did you see did you see the girl licking the toilet seat air on the
airplane i hope she dies
did you watch that yeah it's dumb it's it's un-fucking-real it's unreal and um
i mean i have to say this
too and i don't i hope i don't get in trouble you don't want to say something
that's going to get me in
very very big trouble is so i had a conversation with our dear friend eric griffin
which is a dear
friend of mine he's like one of my best friends if like you know he's like a
brother yeah is he not
yeah so we're talking today on the phone he's like i'm like yeah i'm worried
because
i smoke i'm getting older i'm 48 he's like and i go i once the coronavirus hits
me i think i'm gonna
be one of those casualties he goes yeah definitely dude you for sure he's like
me i've been taking
vitamins and i'm you know i mean i know mac and cheese are vitamins you know
because me i'm fine i'm
taking my hormone pills my vitamins i go if i die eric you're gonna die all
right as soon as
coronavirus hits your body gone blood's gonna squirt out your black titties
chocolate chocolate blood
chocolate blood's gonna squirt out and he's just gonna his eyes gonna roll back
he's gonna go into
convulsions he's gonna die instantaneously eric griffin i love you bro but don't
tell me that
you're carl lewis because you're not all right if he if you die he dies he's
fat lando
by the way that's why i did this uh you can see my facial hair this is in this
is uh this is
because eric shaved his did you see eric did you see this yeah let's show that
let's show our viewers
i know eric griffin shaved his mustache for those that haven't seen it okay
first of all this has
been eric since i've known him yeah he's had a mustache since i've since 1932
he's had that
fucking he's had the mustache and now yeah i think it's got to be maybe on his
on his uh instagram he
shaved his mustache and i i look at this motherfucker with no upper lip no
upper lip look at that's
thinner than mine yeah you know why he forgot the reason why he grew it in the
first place
is to hide the ugly right when you grow a fucking thick mustache like that is
to hide something well
you have to yeah look at that brad williams what did your coronavirus do to
your mustache
oh we love you eric no he knows we love him to death i just can't believe look
at that nose
look at that it's a cartoon nose look at those look at those nose hairs are
really trying to poke out huh
yeah like disney animation made that nose my folks right that's like from
somebody's imagination yeah
it's bad it's bad what did you what did you you do you guys go did you do
grocery shopping or nothing
we're getting everything delivered amazon you know delivery yeah you know and
then um
so the other day i go i want chips just get me whatever kind of chips right
yeah she orders these
fucking hemp kale seed chips bitch i want doritos i want doritos that's the new
ad
campaign i want doritos i want nacho cheese is that what you get not whatever
man it's like she's
getting all the stuff that she would eat you know right like that she like
healthy you know i mean
yeah if we're gonna if in this apocalypse if we're gonna die give me twinkies
yeah let me eat let me
eat it dude we did that i went shopping i bought the i never there's six things
of mac and cheese in
my fridge there's the craft oh my god don't with it there's four there's four
uh there's four
whatever um uh uh uh whatever let's move on let's move on no no but why can't i
think i have no
idea because you're making it up let's no we went grocery shopping yesterday we
bought we bought mac
and cheese i bought um big bags of beef jerky i really like beef jerky oh i
love beef jerky yeah yeah
that's what i bought that's what it was ruffles i was trying to think of the
name of the brand ruffles
oh but i bought sour cream and cheddar which are her favorite yeah my old bags
favorite i bought all
dressed which is canadian do you know all dressed you don't you don't know all
dressed holy
do you guys know all dressed all dressed is the most popular brand in canada it's
salt sea salt and
vinegar barbecue sauce yeah it's like combining both of those chips it just
seems like something that
white people would like it is that's what we invented almost everything so i'm
gonna pass on it you're
gonna what what kind do you want fish sauce chips wasabi flavor no and the one
you said earlier before the
cameras were on um i said we're hunkering down we're making stuff and you just
said out of the blue you
said dog why would you say that because you said we're making we're making
stuff out of the blue i
just said dog i know but no as a term of endearment like my dog no you're my
bud i don't think that
that what is i did see the video i did i did see a video this morning a girl
sent me what of them
cooking a live dog in china oh there's videos circulating now all the fucked up
shit they're
doing you know what it's like you know you've heard of the yuland dog eating
festival yeah what
the what did you place when you were over what did you place were you first or
second third third i
took i took a bronze yeah yeah yeah because i wouldn't eat the pitbull yeah
yeah you wouldn't
no no just too angry too much yeah you don't have that kind of energy yeah yeah
i'm i like i like uh
yorkshire terriers oh are they good so tender what's the what's the softest let
me say something
right now yorkshire terrier puppy yeah it's like sashimi is it really if you if
you kill a newborn
yorkshire terrier right yeah and you just slice when it's alive preferably you
will you can't kill them
first because if you kill them the muscles get tight right so you you got you
just have to like
while they're alive right you slice open the belly they make it they make a
sound what is it
and you just slice open like the belly meat oh my god that's right you drink
the blood
yes i do of course i do man because you know i'm a warrior but my point is is
this is that we don't
do that i have three dogs at home and i love them more than other humans so um
that bit we just
did was a joke it was a joke you know dogs aren't dogs can't get it good they
confirm dogs can't get
corona they can carry it huh cats i don't really care about cats even a little
bit they can get it
in fact i hope every cat gets it okay i want to say this right now i hope every
cat gets corona you
have no you know what you know what it is you know what it is i hope they're
walking around all limping
like yeah yeah you view cats like asians it's the same impression no face no no
no no yeah
no no no no i want to see i want to see i want to see videos of cats online
with corona yeah yeah
just a little leg and they're coughing yeah here's the thing you don't know
about cats though go ahead
did you ever live with one no okay i would never but that's how i dude so when
i'm okay so here's
the deal bro when i'm at kalilah i was the type of guy that if i saw any animal
you know what i mean
i would speed up to hit it to hit it i didn't give a a dog i don't give a right
you want to kill the
animal because i never no it's not that that it's just i never knew the bond
that you could have with
an animal that's right when you're not raised with it necessarily you're not
gonna really care
right so what what happened was i met kalilah my girlfriend on the tinders and
she i spent the night
at her house one night and we had a she had a cat named ming but it was a
kitten it was about this
small and i and i slept on her bed and ming would sleep on my shoulder and i
just wanted to grab it
and just squeeze the life out of it kill it i don't know i just didn't like him
okay right but then one
day kalilah went out of town and i was living on beachwood yeah and she goes um
can you take care of
ming for a week because it's not gonna be alive by the time you get home and i
don't know what
happened but ming one day i came home and she was just sitting there and she
goes yeah like welcome
home and i fell in love with this thing man she's like i i love ming more than
most of my cousins
like if my cousin andy died yeah if my cousin andy died just listen to me man
yeah i am this is
call me call you're my other cousin call tell me if andy died call me hello hey
bob what's up dude
why are you so sad oh man you want you want to bury this right you want to
believe it
oh my god yeah what happened andy died what yeah andy died andy died all right
well
okay well i'll talk to you later okay okay hang up yep playstation
nothing change right no i would probably have tears but i would still play like
think about them
you know like oh yeah i'm not gonna stop the game but if ming died it's it
would i would be devastated
for years so ming is gonna die and i'll be devastated if any of my cats i have
three cats if any of them
die i love them love them so much and that the thing is is that you just don't
know no i know cats
you don't know i don't like them i don't trust them they don't greet you the
same when you come home my
dog is at the door wagging her tail she's so excited to see me when i'm gonna
is waiting for
me my one of my middle cat is waiting for me at the door and where are the
other two the other two
in hiding no not hiding but they're relaxing bro they're two different things
they do all that all
they do all day is relax can you play fetch with a cat oh no you can play other
things what you can do
the fucking the laser okay that's fun as well friend cats are always it's
always a fat guy's best friend
you can laser from your fat couch no you can do one of the dangly things it
hits no no also cat you
fucking you don't know nothing about cats here's the thing you don't have to
take it for a walk
did you know this too it's like cats the thinking man's animal and it poops
inside did you know that
men who love cats are more college educated and smarter than the the where did
that statistic
look at the stats look at the stats bro look at marlon brandow marlon brandow
bro yeah what about
cats right yeah sir patrick stir stewart picard captain picard he loves cats
brah okay yeah he loves
earl grey too there's plenty of smart guys that love dogs yeah but it just
statistically
smarter people i'm not buying into this google it you're you're so fast at
fucking googling
shit google it how could you how what would i search tell me what would i
search george what
would you search what could i even search what uh uh average intelligence of
cats owners cat owners
average intelligence versus versus owner versus dog owners versus dog oh we're
gonna get the dum