Name: Yellow Cave of Wonders | Ep 7 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2020-03-30T16:57:52.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Yellow Cave of Wonders | Ep 7 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Yellow Cave of Wonders | Ep 7 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-30. Transcript available.

Yellow Cave of Wonders | Ep 7 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

Hey!
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Click on the link below to subscribe to the Bad Friends Clips page
so you can watch the condensed clips page of me and Bob.
Yeah! Hey!
Hey, you fuck.
You think that my head is big?
You think my head is fucking big?
Bobby, your head is the third of your body weight.
Have you ever seen your head?
It's proportioned to my body!
Yeah, and your body is gigantic!
I'm just happy that you're watching the show.
That just shows that you really watched the episode.
No, no, no. Listen, listen.
I have to because people keep sending me the links.
They keep sending me the clips.
Look at this, Griffin!
What else do you need? We're talking shit about you.
I didn't talk any shit about you, Griff.
Oh, oh.
About the vitamins.
I think mac and cheese is vitamins.
Bad Friends!
You're so dumb.
Dude, I'm dumb?
Yeah, yeah.
I'm dumb?
I'm a lipless fuck.
I'm a lipless fuck?
Yeah, yeah.
Shave, look at how tiny your little bullshit lips are.
Your little fucking ramen lips.
God fucked you.
Look at your little bullshit lips.
God fucked you.
God fucked you bad.
He was making you like, fuck the upper lip.
Did you have sex this morning?
Why?
Because you're in a good mood.
I feel great.
Yeah, you dumped a load somehow.
Whether you jerked off to Fortnite or something, but you did something.
I don't know.
Did you thicken your eyebrows?
Did you thin your fucking eyebrows?
Look at that.
Look at that.
That looks like someone took a crop shear through those fucking things.
Can you grow them out or is that as long as they get?
You want to go toe to toe?
You want to go?
I'm not making fun of you, man.
Yes, you are, Liu Kang.
Yes, you are.
You said, did I thicken my eyebrows?
I came in here with a positivity, man.
Positivity, bro.
You attacked me twice in a row.
And is that positive?
I was just pointing at the fire.
You're starting to fire.
You don't have upper lip.
Who doesn't have a fucking upper lip?
You, you don't have a fucking upper lip.
Look at your lip.
Sorry, Andreas.
Hey, Andreas.
Hey.
Yeah.
Yeah.
How are you feeling today, dude?
Are you feeling good?
I feel great.
You know why?
Tell me, baby boy.
Because I've been playing video games and it really makes me feel good.
I know.
I've been playing Stardew Valley.
Ooh, Stardew Valley.
I know how much you love Stardew Valley.
I love Stardew Valley so much.
And I started with a new farm and it's just in sync right now, baby.
A lot of lost books.
Too many lost books.
I have the new ability to chop trees down and get hardwood.
That's a nice asset.
And I also have the thing where you get to go to the crab pots and it doesn't
have junk
stuff in it.
It has like lobsters and all the good stuff.
So I have that ability.
And I have truffle oil going and duck mayonnaise and it's real good.
Oh, this sounds so cool.
Yeah, yeah.
It's great.
It's a great game because you're constantly, you have to think ahead through
the seasons,
you know, and go.
Of course.
I need to get ancient fruit going.
Which is ironic because you don't do that in your real life at all.
What do you mean?
You don't think ahead about stuff in your real life.
My whole life is thought ahead.
Is it?
Yeah, bro.
Where do you think?
Do you even know where I'm at in life?
Do you know where you're at in life?
I'm doing fucking good with no education.
I know.
You fell face first.
Okay, look, look, look, look.
You fell face first into luck.
You're basically Kramer.
You're Kramer.
Fuck you.
You're Kramer to me.
I look in the mirror, dude.
You're Kramer.
Oh, you suck.
You fell face first into luck.
You shouldn't.
This shouldn't be.
You know what you are?
Timothy McVeigh.
Love.
You do love?
Personal hero.
Murderer.
Yeah, so keep running your fucking mouth and see what happens.
All right.
That's the kind of person you are in your heart.
You had a nice Italian-Irish-Chicago family that steered you this way, but your
heart could
have gone either way.
No, no, no.
My heart went the right way.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
If you were molested two or three more times, you would have been McVeigh, bro.
I don't remember the first couple of times.
Yeah.
It didn't happen as far as I'm concerned.
Yeah.
Lots of therapy pushed it out.
You know why?
Because you were an ugly kid.
That's why.
So were you.
I was a free-for-all.
You were ugly when I met you.
I was a free-for-all as a kid.
How many times did you get molested for real?
12 times.
No way.
Yeah.
What do you mean no way?
Fuck you, I was.
Prove it.
I'll show you the scars.
You son of a bitch.
You only got molested twice.
No, 12 times, probably.
12?
Yeah.
12 times.
12 to 15.
So why?
I was a cute kid.
That's not why they molested you.
Why do you think it was?
Because you were easy to manipulate.
They could trick you so easily into getting molested.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You were just simple.
You're a simple man.
You've been eating a lot, huh?
Your face?
Actually, your face has gotten a little chunkier.
I like it.
I do, I do.
I do, I do.
I like your face.
Are you being serious?
No, honestly.
Do you really think I look a little bit chunkier?
A little chunkier.
I like it that way.
It's cuter.
Wait, really?
Do I seriously?
Yeah, you really do.
Your face.
I fucking shaved.
I should look a little bit.
No, no, no.
When I saw your face earlier, I go, what the fuck is going on with this face?
Maybe it's the corona scare or whatever.
I've been eating a lot.
Yeah.
I've been eating so much.
It's really, it's nice.
It's filling out?
It's filling out, yeah.
Because before you're doing this Hollywood, like, I'm going to make it kind of
a vibe.
And now you've covered, your face has given up.
It's cool.
Because I'm hungry all the time.
I'm sitting around the house all the time.
Hey, fuck you, man.
You've gained some weight.
You know what I've been doing?
And ask fucking Kalilah.
Every night, one hour of Peloton, and I busted out the weights, bro.
Are you seriously lifting weights?
Oh, yeah.
And you know, by the end of this fucking thing, I'm going to look like fucking...
Same.
You're going to look the exact same.
No, fuck you.
You're going to look the same.
Like, Jet Li's thicker jet.
It's going to be good.
Jumbo Jet Li?
You're going to be Jumbo Jet Li.
How about let's make a monetary bet that you're not going to...
Let's make a monetary bet that you're not going to change.
You're going to be the same weight.
I'll give you a pound and a half.
You know, it's rude that you say, "I love it."
No, keep talking that way because I love challenges.
I love naysayers and I love negative people.
Well...
Here's the thing.
Nay, nay.
I say nay.
Here's the thing.
I came in here...
I honestly think that you've changed a little bit through this...
Through us doing the show together?
No, since the show, you've now...
And since this quarantine and since the coronavirus...
Yeah.
That you've become a little paranoid.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, probably.
You know, it could have something to do with the over 20,000 people that have
died.
It could have something to do with the fact that it's affecting people of all
ages around the entire world.
It's an international pandemic.
Could be due to the fact that people are losing their jobs.
Could be due to the fact that the shelves are being emptied out at grocery
stores.
Could be due to the fact that people are fighting over toilet paper.
Could be due to the fact that why the fuck aren't you panicking?
Of course I'm freaking out.
I'm doing my due diligence.
What is your due diligence, Bob?
I haven't left the fucking house except for this thing.
For here, yeah.
Right.
Number two, I wasn't even gonna come.
Same.
Yeah, I know.
Yeah, we didn't want to do it.
We didn't want to do it.
But we're 5.75 feet away, I measured.
Okay, yes.
And number three, I have to make an apology by the way.
A couple of months ago, not a month ago, maybe three weeks ago, two weeks ago,
I don't know what day it is.
I was on my brother's vlog and I said that Wei Li, the fucking, the fighter,
the strawweight champion of the UFC.
Yeah.
I called a coronavirus.
You called the fighter coronavirus?
Yes.
Yes.
Yikes.
Because it was before Trump said, calling it a Chinese virus and all that kind
of stuff.
Right.
Before it was a thing.
So why did you, why did you call the fighter a coronavirus?
Because I thought it was funny.
At the time, I thought it was funny.
It is.
Yeah.
And then I go, so I want to apologize to Wei Li and I wanted to, and I want to
apologize to, you know, all the chingchongs out there that, you know what I
mean?
That might be offended.
Here's the thing though.
I'm chingchong too.
Number two.
You are.
You Americans, like there was this Asian kid that was in a Walmart, whatever,
and he coughed and a bunch of white people started, you know, screaming at him
going, you know what I mean?
You Chinese, you know, you guys started, you know, started, I want to say this.
First of all, why is an Asian kid in Walmart?
Well, you think he should be at Costco?
What do you mean?
Mm-hmm.
Why?
Because he's cheap?
Walmart is ours.
That's for whites.
It's not fucking yours, dude.
It's where we buy guns and tires.
You can only claim that if you, if only, if Chinese things are being made and
sold at fucking Walmart.
Everything is Chinese things.
Well, then there we go.
Chinese thing.
Then we own it.
Then we own it.
Chinese thing.
Chinese thing.
Chinese thing.
Can I say this?
Yeah.
If your liver was made in China, you'd be Chinese.
My liver is mine.
It's still Chinese though.
You would be Chinese.
Dude, that's like the stuff that's inside the Walmart.
If it's Chinese, it's Chinese.
So if it's in Chinese, then, then I'm Chinese.
Cause I buy it and purchase it.
Can I just say something?
Fuck man.
So you got on a blog.
No, no.
I want to say about the Walmart.
Like, so I, I'm going to claim this.
I've been in an American longer than you have.
I've been in America longer than you have.
When did you get your citizenship?
I was born here.
So I'm older.
But don't they make you apply still?
No.
There we go.
Right.
So, um.
Yeah.
The racism out there when it comes to this, this fucking virus.
It is real.
It's real.
Yeah.
It's gross.
And it's, and it's gross.
And, um, you know, I don't know anything.
Just, I don't know anything about Asia.
I don't wake.
No, just hear me out.
I don't wake up and, you know, it's like when I wake up.
Yeah.
I don't think to myself, ah, I'm Asian.
Well, no.
You know what I mean?
I'm Korean.
You know, I don't, it, it doesn't even enter my thoughts.
It doesn't even strike your mind.
When I wake up, I go, oh, I'm hungry.
You're hungry.
Right.
Or, you know what I mean?
Hungy.
Yeah.
Bobby, hungry.
My left foot itches because I have a foot thing.
Right.
Or like I have other issues.
But when you leave the house.
I never think about it.
So do you never get in a situation where you, where somebody makes you feel
like, oh, I'm Asian.
That's only when, yeah, that's when I go out into the world and people say shit
like, you know, hey.
You know what?
If an old white man goes, hey, I'll be at Starbucks.
I fought in the Korean War.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We talked about that.
Yeah.
And that makes you, then you go, oh God, I'm Asian.
Right.
But that's the only time.
So I don't feel Asian.
I feel like an American.
But you have no connected, do you, but you have connectivity to your Asian
heritage, don't you?
Like in what way?
I meditate, but so do you.
Yeah.
But, but do you, but do you have, like, do you have anything family tradition
wise that, that is, that's Korean that you take?
Oh yeah.
I buy my feet.
I walk on people's back and I do the gong and I, and I have also stars and the
ninja outfit.
What the fuck are you talking about?
I didn't say any of that shit.
I mean, I mean.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Family traditions.
Do you have, do you eat food that your mother cooked for you that was
traditionally Korean?
Yeah, yeah.
I go to Panda Express.
Is that then?
Okay.
You're doing this, not me.
Yeah, yeah.
I go to Panda Express.
I go, I go to P.F. Chang's.
Is 