Name: You Are Always With You | Ep 8 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2020-04-06T16:00:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'You Are Always With You | Ep 8 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'You Are Always With You | Ep 8 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-06. Transcript available.

You Are Always With You | Ep 8 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

I just think that, and this is just my humble opinion,
that you just maybe need a little bit more spirituality in your life.
First of all, I grew up a Catholic, so you don't fucking know...
Not that kind of spirituality.
Yeah, well, that fucks you up. It makes you not want to be spiritual.
More namaste spirituality.
Namaste is hard to get to when your Catholicism is your youth.
But what I'm saying is that can you at least be open to it or no?
Do some meditation.
No, because as a young Catholic, you learn to not be open.
If you're open, that's when you get caught.
You're going to change, man! You're going to fucking change!
That's what I'm asking you!
Clinch and bury. That's what we learned.
No, no, no. Clinch and bury because...
Clinch, bury.
Because people like me are going to get...
Clinch your butt, bury your emotions.
Because people like me are going to get affected, right?
By me.
One day, you're going to snap, right?
And then I'm going to be the one that's shot.
You two are bad friends!
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends!
Jules, are you ready to start?
She doesn't give a fuck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She doesn't want to be here.
Isn't it crazy that you brought a 14-year-old girl to the studio?
Yeah, well, I don't know if it's crazy.
It's not my fucking daughter.
What do you mean it's not your daughter?
You think that fucking...
You think that person right there is my fucking daughter?
That's not your kid?
No, it's fucking Giuliana is...
That's...
Wait, you're a male Giul...
That's Rudy Giuliani?
You look good, Rudy.
You're Rudy Giuliani.
That's her nickname.
Her nickname is Rudy.
Yeah.
Rudy!
Can we call you Rudy?
So, my sister's older sister, Honey...
Honey.
Honey.
Honey.
She's a Filipino lady, and she lives in the Philippines, and she had...
Her oldest daughter is Giuliana.
You're the oldest daughter of all the girls.
How old are you?
I'm 18.
18?
She's 14.
No, are you really 18?
Yeah, she's 18.
God, they look so...
That's why people go over there, because you can't tell how old they are.
Right.
That's why white weirdos go over there.
Yeah, they go over there, right?
Because you can't tell how old they are.
Yeah.
Here's my wife, and you think she's 8.
She's like, I'm 46.
I'm 39.
So, you're 18.
Yeah.
Are you in school?
Straight A's.
What do you know?
Is it senior year of high school?
What is it?
What?
Junior year.
Is there a mic over there, or no?
No, because...
Well, George had it, but we don't...
Do you want her to have the fucking mic that George had?
No, no, no.
We set it on fire.
I burned it outside.
Oh, you did?
Oh, yeah.
We had a fucking ritual.
What I want to say, though, is that I feel like you're breaking down.
I'm having a breakdown.
I'm having an emotional and mental breakdown.
Because even today, you acted like a little bitch on the phone.
No, I didn't act like a bitch.
I wanted to set this up.
I know, but what I'm saying is that you know what you opened with?
Usually, when you call somebody, you open with, hey, how's it going?
Whatever.
You went, how come you haven't been calling me back?
You're not going to return my text?
Like you're my little fucking side bitch.
No, first of all, what I am is...
Yeah, don't get angry.
I'm your organizer.
I know, but say it in an adult-type way.
Okay.
All right?
We have an adult relationship.
We're friends.
Okay, here we go.
All right?
So say it in a very mature way.
First of all, I'm not your bitch.
Okay?
I'm not your bitch.
Uh-huh.
Okay, I am trying to organize this podcast because you didn't want to do it via
satellite.
We tried twice to try to do that, right?
It didn't work.
So we're in the studio together.
For people at home, we're six feet apart, six plus feet apart.
Okay?
We've all been quarantined.
So we're doing this as safe as we can.
No one's coughing.
No one has fever.
And I was trying to set this up.
This was hard.
And you didn't text me back.
The next time I call you, why don't you just rub your little coochie?
You know what I want to hear when I call you?
Hello, Andrew?
I want to hear your little fucking coochie, you little bitch.
So stop acting like that.
You know who you're acting like?
A friend of ours.
All right?
That's what you're acting like.
And I want to say this.
Take it back.
Take it the fuck back.
I'm serious.
Take it back or I'll get mad.
I'll kick this fucking thing over and we'll have a fight.
I want to say this.
You're not like him or this person that we know.
But today, you acted just like him.
Okay.
Well.
Okay.
Take it back.
I'm not going to take it back.
All right?
I'll throw this on you.
If you...
Fuck you.
Don't do that.
Why?
I brought my fucking air gun.
Do you have the gun for real?
No, I don't.
Don't.
All right.
But just stop acting like that.
I came in hot because we needed to do this.
Look, for people at home, let's inform the audience.
We tried to do this via satellite.
It was fucking...
A fucking wreckage.
You know what?
Let's...
We'll give you a piece of it right now.
Tell me you have lots of those pairs of pairs or is that just the same one?
I just have the same one.
That's just the same.
That's not like you...
You don't have like 10 of those colors.
You just have that one pair of that one that I always see?
I have one pair of underwear.
Okay.
No.
No.
Don't look...
No.
Can I tell you something?
Yeah.
This is hard to do.
I fucking hate this.
I hate it too.
It's just...
It's just not efficient.
I can't feel you.
I can't feel a vibe from you.
Something's missing.
Yeah.
I can't feel your negative energy.
Not being negative at all.
I need to feel it in the room.
So we just cut to a clip of how awful our interaction was on there.
It was fucking terrible.
It was the worst.
Here's why it was the worst.
Me and you are great when we're together.
I don't...
If I'm separate, we couldn't...
It wasn't working.
It just...
There was no rhythm.
I couldn't really feel you.
You looked like you were far away.
Kalilah kept popping in in the background.
Yeah.
And trying to figure out what was going on.
My fucking people know.
Yeah.
Right?
If there's a phoner...
If I have to go on the road back in the day and they go,
Well, can you do a...
Because you're not going to be in town,
but they want you to do this radio show on the phone.
I'm not going to do it.
You can't do it.
Because I need to go in the room and I need to make fun of people.
Yeah, the only way that you're going to get any good rhythm comedically
in those regards, especially something like this,
is if I can feel you.
I can't do...
You know, and I stopped doing TV.
I can't do TV anymore either.
I won't do morning shows.
Oh, you won't?
No.
I can't.
You're probably really weird on them.
I'm so uncomfortable.
I would love to see that.
You fuck with the hosts.
I've seen what you do on morning shows.
I can't do that.
Why?
Because I don't want to be there.
I'm so annoyed that I have to be there.
Look.
It's so funny because I go back to a city, right?
And when I show up, I go,
where's, what's his name?
And then every time I go back,
they always go,
yeah, that person didn't want to do it again.
Yeah, they quit because of you.
No, but you weirded them out.
Yeah.
Yes.
Yeah, you weirded them.
So that's my fucking goal.
I lock up.
Is to weird them out enough
so that they one day go,
we don't want them.
Well, a bunch of comics did it.
Like, Segura had a run of stuff that he did.
So everyone did that.
But then when I would go,
I would just feel so,
it's so disingenuous to begin with.
I just felt as,
like, here, you be the morning host
and I'll be me.
Hey, welcome back to Philadelphia in the morning.
Hey.
We've got, oh,
a very funny comedian
from the Joe Rogan podcast
and from his mixology.
What a great actor he is on that.
Andrew Santino.
How are you, Andrew?
I'm great.
You know, that show's not on the air anymore.
I do have another show that's on right now
and I have my own podcast.
So thanks for having me on.
Very good.
Very good.
Tell me about yourself.
I'm from Chicago, Illinois
and I'm on the road right now
doing stand-up.
Great, great.
What kind of,
do you,
are you,
are you like Jerry Seinfeld?
Do you know Jerry Seinfeld?
Fuck!
Fuck!
That's, I lose my,
I can't do it.
I, I, I,
that's,
you know how some people say
they have social anxiety
when they get out around crowds?
They get uncomfortable?
Yeah.
Polar opposite.
When I'm in a room
with someone like doing that thing,
Yeah.
I crumble on the inside.
Right.
I can't handle it.
The anxiety goes through the roof
when somebody's like,
so, uh,
do you, do you,
do you do any relationship material?
I don't know how to get away from it.
Yeah.
I don't know how to,
cause I can't be mean
cause then I look like an asshole
because you know,
even when I'm not being mean,
I sound mean.
Yeah.
Right?
Like ask me,
ask me what kind of jokes I do.
Here.
So, um,
I love the comedy.
I watch it on Netflix.
I love the comedy.
Wonderful.
What kind of jokes do you do?
Do you talk about relationships?
Uh, it's,
most of it is,
uh,
just me.
Most of,
most of,
fuck!
No, but I love it when you,
I lose it.
I love it when you comedians
do, uh,
your impressions.
Oh, right.
Do you do a very good
Christopher Walken
or a,
or a,
do you do a Donald Trump impression?
I actually do an impression of you.
I've done,
I've actually.
What is it?
Please do it.
I can't,
I don't know how to do it.
You know what I want to do?
I sound like an asshole
every time I talk to them.
This is what I want to say.
Ask me.
Okay.
Welcome to New Jersey's
finest WKQM
here in the morning.
Today with me
is Mr. Bob Lee.
Bobby Lee
is a comedian,
we love this guy.
We love this guy.
A mad TV's finest.
You've seen this guy.
Mad TV's finest.
Bob,
you're doing,
how many shows,
how many shows
are you doing here?
You want to meet Toki?
Uh oh,
is this a mad TV character?
No,
you want to meet Toki the dum-dum?
I would love to meet,
who's Toki?
And I want to pull my dick out
and do a little fucking
doot, doot, doot, doot, doot, doot.
And then they have to go,
oh my,
cut the cameras,
cut the cameras.
That's what I want to do.
When you pull out your penis?
You want to pull out your penis
as Toki foam?
Oh my God,
I would love to pull out my penis
on a morning,
I mean,
I would probably get canceled.
No.
Yeah,
but if I pulled out my dick
in a morning news show,
it would stay on the internet
for life.
But they would blur it.
They wouldn't,
first of all,
they wouldn't put it out.
Oh,
it's live.
It's live.
Yeah,
but there's a delay.
There's like a five second delay.
Oh,
there is?
Yeah,
but how about this?
I think it'd be okay,
it'd be appropriate to do
if it was all men in the room,
don't you think?
If it's all guys,
don't you think it's okay?
No,
why it's just a bunch of buds?
No.
Have you ever pulled your penis out
in front of a bunch of friends?
Oh yeah.
Yeah,
so it's just a bunch of buds.
Yeah,
that's true.
Can I ask you a real question?
Side note?
Yeah.
Did you ever masturbate
with other guys
when you were a young boy?
Did you ever do that?
Did you ever jerk off
with other boys?
Yeah.
So you did?
Yeah.
White people do this thing,
white boys do sleepovers
and boys will jerk off together.
Something I had to learn.
I didn't know.
I've done,
I can't talk about it.
Yeah,
you can.
No.
Bob.
I've done weirder things than that.
I know you have.
Yeah.
At sleepovers with,
did you ever have a sleepover
with other boys?
Oh yeah.
What did you do?
Come on,
Bob.
Bob,
it's quarantine.
People need to hear this stuff.
I know.
Well,
you know,
I did more than masturbate.
I'll just say that.
You have sex with other boys?
No,
no,
no,
no,
no,
not anal intercourse.
Did you kiss other boys peepees?
At a little sleepover?
Did you have another boy kiss your peepee at a sleepover?
Let's just put it this way.
I had a dude,
I can't say his name.
Yeah.
Say his name.
No,
there's no way.
Say his name.
He's got a family probably now.
Say his first initial and then say his last.
Never,
never,
never,
and don't fucking do that.
Say his