Name: Bad Friends Worldwide | Ep 12 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2020-05-04T16:00:21.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bad Friends Worldwide | Ep 12 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bad Friends Worldwide | Ep 12 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-04. Transcript available.

Bad Friends Worldwide | Ep 12 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Welcome to the show.
Welcome to the show.
Welcome to the show.
I'm Bobby Lee.
I'm Andrew Santino.
And this is Bad Friends.
We love, we love to cook.
We love to clean.
We love to.
Can you imagine if we did one of those shows?
If we did like an HGTV show.
Oh my God.
Do you watch those?
The Flipping Property Brothers and all that stuff?
I love when they flip, flip.
Flip, flip.
I love it.
I love when they take a really shitty house, right?
And they flip it.
And they turn it into a shitty house, but it looks better.
It's a better shitty house.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And they sell it for tons of money.
I know.
You know, when we were looking for houses,
there were some houses where it was like,
you know what I mean, a crack house.
Yeah.
And the client would be like,
we could just, you know,
buy it for cheap and flip it.
And like, how the fuck?
I don't know anybody.
I don't know hardwood people.
I don't know ceiling people.
I don't know how to fucking do that.
And what did she say?
She was like, you're right.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Why are we flipping a house is,
people think it's like a thing you can just do.
Yeah.
No, it's impossible.
Number one.
Okay.
First of all,
I don't know how much wood costs.
Let's take a guess.
Like, I don't even know what the,
like two by four.
I don't even know what the dimensions to get.
You got it.
The dimension is a two by four.
Well, I go to Home Depot and I go,
hi, um,
so this,
I show them a photo.
Welcome to Home Depot.
How can I help you?
Hi.
So I,
I bought a crack house down in Crenshaw.
Yeah.
Everything here in Los Angeles is a crack house.
Right.
So here's the house.
Okay.
I see that piece of shit.
See the floor.
Yeah.
I mean,
it's barely a floor.
It's crack linoleum.
It's crack linoleums.
And also there are like weeds growing.
Anyway,
I need to put new hardwood floors in.
Okay.
How much is it?
How much do you think you want to give us?
I'll give you a half a million.
Done.
That's how much it costs.
And then,
so then I,
so then I put it in my car.
Yep.
How do you bring it to the car?
On your shoulders?
Shoulders would be right.
That's even that.
I can't do that.
I don't even know.
Yeah.
And then who are you going to hire to install it?
Do you have somebody?
Raul,
Jose,
Alejandro,
and?
They're one guy.
That's his name.
The Raul Jose?
Raul Jose Alejandro.
Yeah.
It's one guy.
I could do basically everything.
Yeah.
And then,
then I would,
so that's that,
right?
And then now mildew.
What do you do with that?
Oh my God.
You have to have someone come and kill and disinfect and scrape.
And yeah.
Yeah.
So I hire that guy.
How much is that guy?
Eight hundred,
nine hundred thousand.
Right.
So I,
I'm already a million deep with floors and mildew scrapings.
You're done.
Yeah.
I'm done.
I'm in the hole.
How much are you going to flip the house for?
For,
probably 200 bucks.
I made 200 extra dollars.
Two hundred dollars.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
After taxes,
you lost 800 grand.
I lost it.
Yeah.
So I don't know how to do that.
No,
no.
That,
that idea is impossible.
Also,
you don't have the time to live in a house that's going to be flipped.
That's right.
We would have to get an Airbnb or go to a hotel room with the fucking knives.
The knives that she has.
Honestly,
everyone has been sending me emails about Rudy's knife,
knife dreams.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Dissecting it.
Well,
they also dissected your vampire eggs.
Yeah.
A lot of it was Stardew Valley,
by the way.
That's where they think all of it comes from.
I think,
well,
the eggs definitely for Stardew Valley.
And the vampires.
Yeah.
But the wooden vacuum cleaner,
there's no way.
Yeah.
They did say there was something in the game.
There's not a wooden vacuum cleaner in Stardew Valley.
Something that was about cleaning that was in the game.
Maybe.
I don't know.
I sound like a psychic right now.
Yeah.
I'm getting a vibe from maybe someone,
a cousin,
maybe a cousin.
I'll tell you another thing.
Yeah.
Is the other day,
a couple of weeks ago,
I said,
Rudy.
Time out.
You said the other day,
a couple of weeks ago?
The other day,
a couple of weeks ago.
I said,
yeah.
The other day,
a couple of weeks ago.
Last month,
today.
Yeah.
It doesn't matter.
It's in the past.
I get it.
Okay.
So don't correct me.
No doubt.
But I was asking her,
and I don't know if you remember this.
I go,
where are the knives at?
And she goes,
Tita Bobby,
it's in the compartment.
So I had to open up the fucking,
right,
and there's a compartment,
right?
Above it.
Above it with all the,
but I don't need,
that's not where the knives really go.
Well,
that's how that,
and I think she's hiding it or something.
No,
no,
that's where the,
that's where they go.
I put it up there.
In the top,
you're saying you pull out the top,
that's where the knives are,
right?
Yeah.
Oh,
really?
That's where they go?
Yeah.
Well,
then that's my bad.
Well,
then that's my bad,
because in my mind,
I'm like,
why is she hiding it?
We have the same dishwasher.
It's up,
you put,
it's above the dishes,
right?
Yeah,
we have that.
That's where the knives go?
Yeah.
That's all I want to know.
But by the way,
I don't trust her.
You know what she said to me last week?
She goes,
she goes,
hey,
what,
do you guys ever do sponsors that like,
maybe I could have some of the things?
And I was like,
yeah,
I mean,
we have a bunch of,
we have a bunch of different ad reads.
What,
like,
what do you want?
I can get you something.
And she goes,
BMW.
Do you do,
do you do knives like Japanese knives?
And I said,
really?
And she goes,
just like seven or eight kitchen knives,
maybe.
That's what she asked for.
Didn't you ask for sharp knives?
And I said,
what for?
And you said,
I collect them.
And that's what,
yeah.
And do you have those Japanese,
you know,
you know,
schoolgirl uniforms that I can have?
Yeah,
that's what she wanted.
She wanted a schoolgirl,
private school,
schoolgirl,
school uniform,
knives.
Yeah.
Right?
And she wanted to go,
and fucking kill everyone in the fucking house.
I've seen that movie before.
Rudy,
you're scary,
but I,
but I like you,
but you're scary,
dude.
Do you think you could,
do you think that dream that you had,
that everyone keeps talking about it,
like we keep getting emails on the fan page.
Do you think that you had that dream because you,
there's someone in your life that you hate,
that you just can't tell that you hate?
You can't say it to them?
No.
Someone predicted,
they said,
Rudy has pent up aggression towards a person in her life that did her wrong.
I think,
I think,
I think,
I think I know who it is,
but I don't want to get private in the,
in the,
who?
Is a family member?
No,
I think maybe that you,
because,
you know,
maybe because your dad wasn't around.
No,
I don't really care about my dad.
There it is.
That's true.
That was it.
That right there.
That was it.
I felt it.
Yeah.
Did you feel it?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's,
yeah.
The knives,
the school.
That was it.
Yeah.
That's killing.
Youth,
anger,
madness.
Yeah.
That makes it revenge.
Yeah.
You have,
you have,
because she's also one of the type of people I say,
how do you feel?
Fine.
How do you feel right now?
Okay.
Yeah.
That's what I mean.
Yeah.
Deep.
It's either fine or okay.
Is it ever good,
Rudy?
Or do you ever feel good?
Get closer to the mic,
Juliana.
Get closer to the mic.
Sometimes.
Like,
do you,
like,
what's a good day for you?
Um,
I don't know.
Like,
just being with the dogs.
Being with the dogs is a good day.
I like that a lot.
We did something yesterday that,
and Kalila said never to talk about it.
Talk about it.
But I'm going to,
look at her.
Talk about it.
She said never to,
I'm going to get a big trouble.
Should we not talk about it?
I don't know.
Yeah.
I know.
So I had to do ADR yesterday for some movie that I did.
What movie?
I did a movie with Eric Griffin.
Wait,
seriously?
Yeah.
What was it?
It's called Mayfair Games.
What?
Yeah,
it's with me,
Eric Griffin,
Mary Lynn Ricegub,
Sean Austin,
isn't it?
From Lord of the Rings.
Rudy.
Rudy,
yeah.
Not you.
So I did ADR for that,
and then it was over,
you know,
you do an independent movie,
so always the ADR place is in like,
Some Guy's Basement.
It was in a house.
Yeah,
it's in Some Guy's House.
He's like,
What's up?
I'm Steve.
You're looking for Dan.
Smoking out front.
Yeah.
Also,
the guy,
first of all,
I go,
I don't want to do it.
And they go,
No,
dude,
we're like quarantined too.
We're real safe,
right?
We fucking drive up.
The guy has no mask,
no gloves,
and he's just out there smoking.
What's up,
man?
I literally just said that.
I know,
but that's exactly what happened,
right?
And then Kalilah's like,
You can't go in there.
So I fucking,
I have to do it.
So I did it,
right?
And then Kalilah goes,
Let's take a drive by the beach.
I've done that.
Not go on the beach,
but just see.
No,
I've taken a drive by the beach.
It's nice.
It's nice,
right?
So nice.
But she did something,
she said something,
Huh?
That is so unlike her.
What?
Right?
It's almost as if,
this is how crazy it is.
It's like a priest going,
no,
that's not crazy.
Let me think of something.
A priest going,
Come here,
little boy.
No.
Yeah.
What is it?
No,
it's like,
if Al Madrigal said that he choked a baby,
that's how shocking,
you know,
that'll be shocking,
right?
Who's baby?
That is true.
Yeah.
Yeah,
that is true.
No,
you're saying it's something out of the ordinary.
It's shocking out of the ordinary.
But so we're driving on the beach and she goes,
you want to see if Lily's is open?
Lily's?
The,
the cafe?
No.
What is Lily's?
I'm going to,
if you are ever in Malibu,
Malibu,
when the quarantine's over,
Yeah.
The best Mexican food restaurant of all time.
Is it in the Malibu?
Is in Malibu.
No,
no,
in the strip mall there.
Yes.
Yes,
I know what it is.
Have you eaten there?
Yes,
I know exactly what it is.
It's so fucking good.
You didn't tell me about it.
Did you tell me about it?
I don't know.
It's in that strip mall.
Yes,
it's in that strip mall.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
And she goes,
you want to get Lily's?
And I literally,
right,
remember what I,
my tears.
You started crying?
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
What?
Bob.
Don't tease me.
No,
she wanted to get it.
No,
she,
this is,
she,
I told you before,
right?
She is the,
she is quarantine queen.
Yeah.
You don't leave the house for no reason.
You don't touch nobody.
But you can order food from home.
No,
we don't,
we've never even done that.
Wow.
Right.
So she goes,
let's see if they're open.
They were open.
And fucking Rudy ran into the restaurant.
You sent in the,
we sent in the slave.
We called in.
Yeah.
We brought in the fucking guinea pig.
And go,
go,
go,
go.
And I kicked her out of the fucking.
Did she wear a mask?
No.
Yeah,
she did.
Get in there.
And she runs and she goes,
I'm here for a order.
Yeah,
yeah.
And they're like,
you,
you want to,
you know what I mean?
And she's got the night.
Yeah.
So,
we took the food
and we went by
kind of like the street
on this hill
and we ate,
just golfed it down.
Yeah.
And it was literally,
you know,
Kalilah said,
this is the way
we should always eat food,
you know,
because it's like,
we,
you know,
I had lilies before
once a month.
I would just drive to Malibu.
Not that big of a deal,
but when it's special like that.
Yeah.
You know,
they say,
I don't know if you know the statistic,
but they say
that somebody
that was in a horrific car accident,
right,
who's paralyzed from the neck down
is happier
than somebody
who wins the lottery.
Well,
that seems subjective.
It's not.
I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why.
Let me just finish my point.
Okay?
Because the person that,
like,
you know,
imagine somebody has no money,
he wins the lottery,
right?
Their friends begin,
begin to use them.
Yeah.
Right?
Family members start asking for money,
right?
You,
you spend it.
You don't know how to use it.
You don't know how to invest it.
Because you've never had mon