Name: Bobo’s Magic Calf Cream | Ep 20 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2020-06-29T16:00:04.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobo’s Magic Calf Cream | Ep 20 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobo’s Magic Calf Cream | Ep 20 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-29. Transcript available.

Bobo’s Magic Calf Cream | Ep 20 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

you two are bad friends who are these two idiots a white dude and an asian dude
you two are
disgusting you two are something we're bad friends people in my house i live
with they treat me like
i'm a ghetto son of all sons could you imagine what would you sell door to door
if you could
tour the country and sell stuff what do you think you would sell i will sell um
i would sell ointments
oils just for the calves like when the calves cavointment get yeah when you
know how calves
sometimes get sorry sore do i do daily activities like hauling rocks or mining
or whatever you do
is this the karate kicks is this the pitch yeah yeah okay pitch me um do you
ever i would go hello
hi my name would be robert hello i'm robert young lee that's my middle name hi
robert hi i'm robert
young lee and uh may i ask you some questions sir absolutely i've got nothing
but time
are your calves sore how do you know that yeah because do you every day as we
go on to our daily
businesses and we um we walk mountaintops and we climb cliffs solo i've been
clean i'm in a lot of
and then we you know we also do um reverse kung fu kicks to the suplexes to
peoples yes and do you ever
also do sidesteppings when you're dancing yeah you know in the country line
when you're in the country
line and you do side steps yes do you ever do that do you ever um do you ever
like go when you instead
of saying no you do like you know i mean you lift your leg up yes yeah of
course so when somebody says
have you ever seen uh uh jungle book the movie you go no but instead of saying
you put lift your leg up
no yeah yeah yeah well i have the greatest ointment for you okay what is it
this is called green stuff
green stuff yeah yeah and it's made from aloe and um tree bark and also if you
go deep in the amazon
there's a mysterious tree called the carnivora tree the carnivora tree yeah so
it eats meat the tree eats
meat yeah but if you let me tell you my friend we have a technology in hand
okay we take a um a machine
right bunsen burners you take a machine you take bunsen burners it's a machine
based on
the bunsen burner technique got it right and then what we do is we slice over
the artery of the base
of the carnivora tree so the tree has veins so it has a blood running through
it wild okay um a
technological tube in it oh a tech tube yeah yeah we call it technological tube
sorry i shouldn't shorten
and over yeah thank you but over a six month period right we slowly ionize
the juices from the carnivora tree whoa right along with aloe and also along
with
angel wing dust where does the aloe come from i'll tell you where the angel
does come from
did you know that some of our we have a crew of people who die everybody dies
no we flatline on purpose
like in the movie flatliners yes and what we do is we flatline for a split
second we only let them
flatline for about 15 minutes because if you let them flatline more than that
they'll die or they'll
become brain activity dead brain activity right so what we do is we flatline
some of our scientist teams
right and in that 15 minutes they're in heaven and they hunt down angels to
create the angel wing
dust wow so we shoot down angels so you kill angels yes we kill someone okay my
company just listen sir
i i didn't let me tell you that's something sir i wasn't even gonna stop i wasn't
even gonna stop by
this house oh why i'm busy i have to go to the corporate center and sell my
product to um um
bizzos jeff bezos yes you were selling this product to jeff bezos selling it he
wants it i don't know i
haven't decided well i want it how much is it my point is is that you're lucky
to have so let me
finish this so for 15 minutes my scientists right we flatline okay and then we
um we hunt down um
angels and then we do with delicately with the same technology as we do as the
carnivore the bunsen
burners yeah well yeah and we have a clipping uh mechanism uh called y'all
right y'all right y'all
right clips oh y'all right clips yeah because they're very gentle on the angels
we don't kill the
angels they're already dead anyway they're dead yeah okay but we clipped their
um we clipped their
wings right and they're very small angels don't realize how small uh angel
people think the angels
are human size they're not they're the size of little fairies sometimes angels
are the size of
mosquitoes so they're very difficult to catch how do you delineate between an
angel and a fairy how do
you know which one's which then well fairies because i'll tell you why because
fairies live on
middle earth of course or some sections of the earth of course right and um
they're not angels
angels are dead they live in heaven but our fairies dead but when fairies die
they turn into the mosquito
size angels oh right okay and those ones we we capture as well and we clip the
ear we clip the wings
some ears mm-hmm right but mostly wings mostly for the dust and we get the dust
right with the carnivorous
tree extract extract right and the aloe mm-hmm we combine this ointment called
we call green stuff
the green stuff i remember right right and you just gently inject them into
your calves into my calves
yeah you don't rub it on the surface okay we stick it in a syringe oh it goes
inside my yes in the
muscle you inject it okay right now i'll tell you what in the beginning you won't
feel well i'm gonna
be sick no you won't you won't be able to walk for six months six months so one
half year one half year
one half year i can't use my legs and your calves will petrify a bit um they'll
turn actually a lot of
people think that um they'll turn stone they'll petra they'll turn into stone
yeah but almost like
a hard uh quartz rock huh do you ever see the movie um or the tv show um chernobyl
yes those little
quartz rocks they find on the yeah that's my legs that's what it'll feel like
there'll be radiation
as well wow and people around you might get cancer okay yeah but it will it
make my calves feel better
but in six months yeah i'll tell you what you'll run like that like that african-american
runner
carl lewis carl lewis yeah are you a salesman from 40 years ago
do you mean usain bolt usain bolt will i run like him
oh hey sir sir before you go before you go i have not told you the price oh how
much
4.5 my friend four dollars and fifty cents 4.5 million four million dollars how
many injections
do i get one so one that's it one injection and in six months you will run like
hussein bolt
hussein or usain or whatever you're saying well you're not from where you're
from jamaica i'm from
jamaica yes well i'm from the section of jamaica where he is from oh you are
yeah tatau village and
in tatau village we call him hussein because this is common that's the common
tongue who's hussein
that's right like saddam much like it okay yeah much like it so four four five
point four million yep
four point five million and we only receive cash oh you only take cash we only
take cash even during
the pandy yeah can i just venmo you what's usually 12.5 that's the thing oh so
you're giving me a
discount half off more than half off it's yeah 60 off yeah well where do i sign
up green stuff here's
and you don't get it right well i need the cash up front you don't get it right
away when do i get
it we're still we have two scientists oh so it's not you don't have it in
heaven right now catching
angel no we have some but we sold out bezos bezos has all of it bezos has one
yeah yeah he paid 15
million but you know how have you turned jeff bezos into a spanish guy bezos
okay before you go can i
can i talk to you about something yeah go ahead you have something to sell me
what is it have you ever
been introduced to your lord and savior jesus christ no what is that i've never
heard of that you don't
know who that is no he's a wonderful little man is he little he's very tiny is
he a dwarf smaller oh he
takes away a pigmy dwarf well they it's a new name now it's not called pigmy
anymore because that's
offensive to pigs oh my bad it's called it's called muskrat dwarf a muskrat muskrat
dwarf muskrat
dwarf that's right they're very tiny that later you can yes he has very little
sharp pointy ears he
hears and sees everything he takes away all of your pain and all you need to do
today is to commit to me
all of your secrets and i'll take away all of your pain forever great so may i
give you some secrets
please okay we do is there a because i've seen movies yeah are there booths are
there booths for
the secrets is there a booth that i can go in where i can close the door and
there's like a little
curtain little do you know you're being protected right now by an invisible
booth literally nobody
can hear you within five feet yeah watch this okay say say to her say you suck
just say it out loud
right now you suck didn't even hear it she didn't hear it didn't hear it you're
in a booth you're in
a private booth with me okay here we go then tell me your secret all right so
in um not not a big deal
no not a big deal hold on one second yeah yeah i have to just record this on my
phone go ahead in 1997
yeah um i decided to become a i got a job offer for being a school bus driver
in in thailand okay
yeah and um i signed up uh applied went to thailand and uh the bus um didn't
look it wasn't a yellow
school bus it was uh what color are they this was a white it looked like a van
like a van with no
windows yes a van with no windows that's a bad school bus i would go to this
yeah i would go and
pick up the kids for school okay yeah and um and they would be in the we we
would jam about 60 kids
in the back of this van you 60 kids we'll lay them down like sardines on top of
each other they're
crying it doesn't matter yeah yeah it turns out it was a unbeknownst to me a
human trafficking business
yes yes did you get in trouble for that uh well once i found out it was one i
quit
after that first job okay yeah well then delivered the kids one second yeah let's
go fly in
the grease the top the grease the sale man hey uh you know what i watched all
night last night i got a
new show for you guys oh my god what is it alone oh do you know alone on netflix
10 people are put out in
the middle of the arctic in the middle of nowhere hundreds of miles thousands
of miles north in in
in northern canada why in the arctic circle why they're given a hundred days to
survive on their
own using 10 items and if they can do it they get a half a million dollars it's
like naked and
afraid but way way cooler are they naked no they got clothes on that's cool why
does naked and afraid
have to be about naked people because it's because in naked and afraid first
things first your penis
gets bit i'm out i'm going home that's it the first mosquito suck in my dick
blood i'm gone wait
let me is this oh so this is a reality show it's real people this is real it's
a documentary it's a
docu-series oh it is yeah oh well then that's cool it's awesome you said that
there was a movie
no new show it's a new show listen i thought you said alone i thought you alone
was kind of like
lost like a scripted show oh no and then so in my head i'm like how is that
cooler than because
that's what's real is naked and afraid but you're saying that alone is real
people real people going
out in the arctic with clothes yep 10 items of their own they get 10 items and
they have to survive
a hundred days through the arctic winter do they can they bring their own foods
no what do they eat
polar bear polar blabber polar polar polar polar blabber what do they may eat
well there's all sorts
of stuff up there there's elk there's mountain lion there's deer there's a muskrat
a guy ate a muskrat
there's squirrels there's uh do they bring their own tents they can bring tarps
not tents so you can make
a tent the difference between a tarp and tent big difference between a house or
you go hey bobby
where do you live a house but then it turns out to be a condominium same thing
it's not even remotely
close to being the same thing a tarp on the tent are two different things a
te