Name: Call of Duty: Emotional Warfare | Ep 24 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2020-07-27T16:38:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Call of Duty: Emotional Warfare | Ep 24 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Call of Duty: Emotional Warfare | Ep 24 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-27. Transcript available.

Call of Duty: Emotional Warfare | Ep 24 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude
you two are disgusting
well you two are something we're bad friends hey what who went to joshua tree
did you have a fun
time oh my god you know it's like in the movies you know there's uh a bunch of
cars ramming into
each other in the desert white dude bald white dudes with chrome oh yeah yeah
yeah joshua tree man
it's out there you do some mushrooms man yeah yeah and then there's um a lot of
dirty whites out there
a lot of dirty whites yeah that's who goes to the desert dirty whites i love no
i like the desert
man it's it's uh there's nothing to do that's number one no there's so much to
do well there
you could look at rock formations you could go you could go hiking formation
you could go swimming i
can go hiking here where in uh like the kid like hollywood hills the hollywood
hills yeah but you
won't i would i've never i know that's my point yeah i've never at least if you
didn't go hiking
there as well i know but what i do love about it it's alone time with me and my
family so it's not
alone at all it's completely alone it's like the most alone i've ever felt and
you're with six other
people well i have to i'm there with the old man raj you were there with old
man raj kalilah's mama and
papa mom um i went with uh do they like you it's like is not the word i would
use it's um they tolerate
love they love your love because i'm i'm a special one yeah you're a special i'm
a giver oh really
you're shaking your head i'm not who won chicka cha what's chicka cha is that
like a filipino card
asian card game yeah who won chicka cha i took second in one tournament roger
roger i took second
in that tournament and then who won the four man chicka cha you yeah do you
know why what's the song
chicka cha chicka cha for the mind my friend i'm gonna win the battle of the
brain a chicka cha yeah
pick up your car chicka cha yeah so we did that what else did we do i saw the
family went hiking and
you didn't go i heard and you brought your hiking boots well no i i brought
somebody bought me brand
new hiking boots that have never been worn who bought them kalilah yeah why you
say somebody
like it's a mystery who else would get you hiking boots sometimes i get hiking
boots underneath my
pillow from the magical fairy so they all went hiking you did not you would you
did you sleep when
they were hiking yeah i mean the mind or the brain the first the first
iteration is mine yeah um did you
enjoy the nature did you soak it up bob i've been there before what we also did
is um we have some
hippie friends out there shandy yeah yeah yeah yeah we have shandy burning
burning woman burning woman
and uh she has a boyfriend his name is lioness
and linus the man's name is lioness linus oh linus yeah oh like from like charlie
brown
peanuts charlie brown if i've never met a guy named linus is linus the stinky
one
yes the one that has lines coming off yeah yeah that's funny there's always
flies yeah that's poop
flies and linus owns a coffee shop no slash pizza place slash cbd emporium yeah
so we opened it up
necklace maker slash 311 uh international disc burner yeah yeah i know this guy
i know linus yeah and linus
opened up his coffee shop pizza when he made pizza for us it was fun that's
awesome did you make pizza
no oh would he let you make handmade pizza or no oh no no i don't know how what's
his shop called
should we shout it out linus oh go to linus's pizza and coffee coffee yeah linus
pizza coffee yeah i there
was you know there's a show called i like it's called body bizarre no i don't
know it body bizarre is a
very interesting show it has every episode has three very unique physical
conditions or abnormalities or
deformities this is where the the thing came from that you taught me about what
this is where that crazy
dif deformed disease person came a lot of different ones dif dif pro pro um progeria
not progeria the
other one that you showed me uh uh uh the one where it's like prepossessant pop
pop pop pop i don't know
which one you you you showed me a picture of someone on the internet do you
remember that one that's
called uh harlequin harlequin harlequin harlequin harlequin yeah yeah yeah no
there is somebody with
harlequin in it but there's other different crazy ones where um they have ones
where they have a skin
disorder they do they have a skin disorder where um you know that they're born
with um no skin
what do you oh i've seen that yeah it's it's almost like you can see their
veins and you can see the
inner workings yeah they're translucent yeah i saw this one where um the mother
in the mornings have
to wrap you know his son like a like a mummy before he goes out before he goes
to school
like a mummy and then at night he has to take a three-hour bath to take the
bandages off
and every layer it takes off and he screams because it fuses to his skin yeah
and he has to live like
that every day don't you feel lucky like yeah i want it you want yeah i do want
it do you see my
freckley freckley i got more sun yesterday and you know what my babysitter used
to do my mexican
babysitter she used to take me on the roof when she was tanning who was her
name lisa mexican alvarez
oh there we go she'd take me on the roof and um she hated my freckles and she
would make fun of me
and she says freckles are ugly and i and i got self-conscious you know what she
used to do
she's put lemon juice on my freckles to see if they go away yeah she tried to
burn them off my body
yeah freckles are are ugly why why not what's ugly about it it it it it gives
me a little bit of
style it just for me um i just don't i used to date a girl with freckles yeah
yeah and i used to like
when she was sleeping at night i'd connect the dots yeah yeah i would yeah in
the back you did yeah
i have the big dipper oh you do yeah i have the dipper on my back yeah it's
just a um a freaky
little thing that humans have it gives me texture you can call that in the same
way i like perfect
things in the same way that your skin tone is is yellow it has a yellow undertone
there's no yellow it's
so funny you know what you do have yellow i'm i have a red red or orange i'm
red and orange undertone
you have yellow under if this was let me ask you something if you pull out a
crayon with my skin this
it wouldn't say yellow yeah it wouldn't say yellow on the thing you'd be closer
to yellow than you would
any other color in the brown no you're not brown oh my god you're ridiculous no
you have an undertone
of yellow skins have have undertones look it up i have an undertone of reddish
and orange
so what is julia rudy bad rudy what does she have understood undertone um uh
taupe it's a taupe color
it's like a it's like a yeah she's poop yeah i call it poop poop kid yeah yeah
so i have an undertone
well it does you met my brother he has it too he's a deeper he's his yellow is
deeper than yours deeper
yellow it's almost it's burnt yellow burnt yellow burnt yellow yeah yeah sun
crisp sun crisp yeah yeah
heat uh it's uh he's he's like a heat miser yellow like it's it's really
intense but it's it's the
depth of you know how the middle of a fire the hottest part of a fire you know
what i mean it's like d
it's like guttural and deep yeah it's deep your red is um very deep as well i
know this well it's more
orange i think i'm more orange beyond my hair yeah it's like um my tone is
orange it's like the color
of you know how a dog's dick comes out the lipstick yeah the lipstick part yeah
yeah like this you take
that yeah and you and you chop that part out if i was gonna make your collar i
would chop that part out
yeah and then i would probably take a really strawberry starburst yeah yeah
smash that right
grind it together and then i would take um just a big steamy pile of shit you
know and that's the
my color yeah yeah here's what you are yeah what you're a uh i'll take a couple
of glass noodles
yeah and i mesh the glass noodles together with urine but urine dehydrated
urine hot bright yellow
dehydrated i didn't drink water for a week urine yeah okay then i mix that
around for a while then i
take fingernail clippings okay fingernail clippings mash that together inside
of there a couple of a
couple of the butts of cigarettes a couple of cigarette butts for texture and
and and absorbency yeah
smash that together yeah and that's you ah you don't know what i would do for
you you're a noodle
cigarette butt toenail yeah that's your if that would that would be your scent
that would be your
scent if someone said what does bobby smell like i go noodle cigarette butt
toenail what is mine
dog did you think you think i'm dog dick no yours is um if you took like a fat
karen okay you know in
the park a meredith yeah no a karen's complaining but a meredith is the fat
yeah yeah yeah a meredith
yes and she's complaining right but she happens to have a yeast infection right
and i tackled that
little meredith down right and i you know put a hazmat suit on whatever because
i don't like meredith
meredith's the smell down there right and i would shave off you know i mean
bits of that yeast yeah
stick it in one of those like those little you know in asia we would we crunch
like nuts and stuff in a
little medicine bowl medicine ball that's right yeah i would stick that in
there right and i was
sneaking in the white house right yeah what are you doing in the white house to
get trump i need trump's
shit okay yeah and i would take i had lunch with him yesterday no you didn't
and then i would take
the hairs the taint hairs of trump yeah it is redder the most yeah and it's
also mixed in with like lies
yeah and deceit yeah yeah i'll clip that out yeah stick it in with the meredith
yeast uh-huh right
and then i would take that um what's that animal in chicago the the grizzly
animal in chicago your mom
it's funny that grizzly animal it's don't don't talk about my mother well it's
just a joke
relax yeah my mother's very pretty she's a beautiful woman unlike your cross-eyed
mother
well don't you you don't have to get i'm not bobby mother i'm i'm bobby mom
you're so mean dude that's your skin color anyway um your mom you know what
your mom looks like what
your mom looks like you know when kids dress up as old people yeah and they're
where that's what your
mom looks like a kid that's wearing a mask wow you know kids are dressing up
like old people to buy
booze with uh during covet really this is a real thing young teenagers yeah
will put on a ton of like
makeup and like a bonnet and they wear the mask because it covers up the
majority of their face and
their hair yeah and they wear old people clothes they're going to thrift stores
yeah and they're
getting canes and they're walking in there buying booze they're fucking geniuses
they caught a bunch of
teenagers doing it just the other day wow how smart when you because i haven't
been to a store since
the pandemic i know do you have to like how do you if i give them a credit card
and they go um id please
nobody asks for id they don't i swear to god i haven't been but i don't get
asked for id when i buy
booze or anything anyway anymore but i've never seen them but now everyone does
apple pay you know you
have this really weird like um because you know sometimes when i look at you i
think to myself
here's a really good bro a guy that i could be pals with yeah i'm around you
know i mean it's almost
as if you and i are two children that really didn't grow up with each other but
we've it's almost as
if a couple neighborhoods away i've no i've known you for all my life yeah and
that we we've been doing
this from the dawn of time yeah being reincarnated and doing it again and again
right but then sometimes
i feel like i don't know you at all and that you are an evil piece of garbage
human and i just don't
want to be there with you where i want to be is with the chummy you know whimsical
when we're having
fun having fun but that's only that's only where you want to have it the
parental you 