Name: The Yin and Yang of Earthquakes | Ep 25 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2020-08-03T16:00:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Yin and Yang of Earthquakes | Ep 25 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'The Yin and Yang of Earthquakes | Ep 25 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-03. Transcript available.

The Yin and Yang of Earthquakes | Ep 25 | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino and Bobby Lee

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Okay, do it now.
Seriously, we're just going to wait until you do it.
I'm not going to talk until you do it.
No, we're not going to do the show until you do it.
I'm not going to talk until you do it.
Go.
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Just fucking press the fuck.
Now.
Press it.
All right, well, relax.
Sorry.
They're going to do it.
All right.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Hey!
So I come in here today feeling so jolly and carefree, as they say.
I understand.
I walk in here and I see this little nice little painting here.
Yeah.
And this is me as a Chinaman.
Are you Chinese in that?
I don't know what he is, but I'm not, you know.
Do you not know that's a Korean warrior?
Okay, but I'm not.
That's a hotu.
That's a hotu.
Do you know what a hotu is?
Yeah.
What are you there?
An English dignitary.
Yeah, exactly.
I'm a pretty boy.
Okay, you look regal in that.
Yeah.
Like you run some shit.
I'm royalty.
I'm carrying rice.
To me, the royalty to eat.
I'm hungry.
Yeah, but I live in Wuhan, right?
And I have to carry it to England.
That's right.
90,000 pounds of rice on my head.
On your shoulder.
Oh, my God.
But this is hand-drawn.
Hand-drawn by Jack Hansby.
By a man by the name of Jack Hansby.
Yeah.
Let me read the letter.
Read his letter.
Let me read the letter.
Okay.
Hi, Bobby.
Love your stuff a lot.
So I painted you a painting.
I hope you like it.
If not, okay.
So welcome to the podcast, Bad Friends.
Welcome to the Bad Friends.
So we got Jack Hansby on.
I didn't sleep good at all.
Same.
You want to talk about it?
Well, I want to talk.
What I've been actually, I have a lot of fear.
I have a lot of fear and I have a lot of questions in life.
Because what happened was, I'll just say this.
During a couple nights ago in L.A., there was an earthquake at around 3.34 in
the morning.
And I know.
Let me just explain.
Okay.
And so the earthquake erupts.
And I know what Juliana did.
Juliana, you probably slept right through it, right?
Yeah.
Right.
She slept right through it.
I was already awake.
The earthquake, I was playing this game on my iPad.
It's called Palace and Conquerors or something like that.
And earthquake happened.
And I kind of looked up.
It was over.
And then I started playing my game again.
Maybe I didn't stop playing.
I don't know.
Yeah.
So some people react like that.
There are those also.
So I have a friend.
I have a friend, right?
You may or may or may not know him.
But the earthquake happened.
And he woke up.
He was sleeping.
He went, ooh.
He went, ooh.
Oh, what's going on?
Right?
And blood rushed to his head, right?
And that's a reaction of some people would call that cowardly.
Some people would call that weak.
I call it he was just scared, surprised.
So he goes, oh, oh, oh, oh.
And he goes to the bathroom because he has to take a fear shit.
Now, a lot of white people, when they get scared, they take fear shits.
And it's like, it's a combination of gas and diarrhea, right?
Maybe a little bit of blood.
And so he took this little fear shit.
And as he got up from the fear shit, he goes, oops.
He goes, this is what he goes.
He goes, oops, I lose consciousness.
And he hits his head, you know what I mean, on a cabinet.
And he almost gouges his eye out.
And so, and then what happens is, he goes, wifey.
Wifey, I, I hurt, I got scared from, from the earthquake, right?
Let's go to the, they go, oh, they always go to the ICU.
This is almost as bad as your stand-up comedy.
That's how bad this bit is.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
This is a bad bit.
Yeah, yeah.
You're a bad, your whole life is a bad bit.
Why are you so angry right now?
Because you're, you're, you spent four minutes on a dog shit story that's not
even real.
That's what happened to you.
I woke up.
That's what happened to you.
I had a couple of drinks.
Why is he so angry today?
Can I tell the real story?
I woke up.
I'm having so much joy.
Stuff was breaking.
So I ran into the guest room.
Yeah.
And I had woken up so fast that I, my equilibrium was off because I also had a
couple of drinks
with my neighbor.
Oh, I didn't know that.
Well, throw on the details next time you call me.
You're not listening anyway, Bob.
You don't listen to me ever.
I need details like Hemingway.
I need specific what the sunset looks like.
You can't just say sunset.
You got to say glowing red.
No, Hemingway said sunset made you figure it out.
You can figure out the rest.
In this case, Hemingway, I had a couple of drinks.
I woke up.
I went to go hear what was breaking, see if the dog was okay.
And then when I walked back to the room, I lost my balance because the blood
was rushed
to my head.
I got up so fast and the earthquake was still shaking that I sat on the hallway
toilet in
the bathroom to level myself.
But I had flipped my, my up and down had flipped so much.
I blacked out.
I blacked out and I hit my head.
Yeah.
And I busted.
So what's the difference between the story that I told and your story?
You threw in unnecessary, um, you said, uh, coward, lie.
Not true.
I wanted to make sure my dog and my house were okay.
You know what?
You're right.
Yeah, but stuff was breaking.
I got nervous.
I thought, oh my God.
First of all, I didn't know.
What if the TV fell on the dog?
What if the TV fell on the dog?
The dog.
Meanwhile, you're playing.
I'm 50.
I like iPad games at 3 a.m.
You're, you're in, shut up.
Shut up.
Shut up.
Rudy, do you like your new painting?
Yeah.
I did.
I went to the ER.
I needed it.
No, but look, my eyes busted for the fans.
Yeah.
And I went and got my skull and my noggin checked and I went in an imaging
machine and
I was scared because the only one they had was in Panorama City.
You can Google it.
It's not nice.
And I got nervous the whole time.
So when it gets, let me just ask.
And they send back the results and they said, you're fine, but you have an
overwhelming amount
of stress in your blood level.
Do you by chance work with a Korean man on a weekly basis?
That's not what it is.
I said, yeah, I work with a little troll, a little booger eating troll in a
room in the
valley.
And they said, that could be part of the problem.
Rudy, your painting is dope though.
It's a really good painting.
And the knife got hung up.
That's really nice.
Let me ask you this question.
Honestly, how tight is that painting?
Hey, dear friend.
Hey, baby.
Hey, dear friend.
Yeah.
So, and this is an honest question.
I'm not trying to be funny or facetious.
Don't roll your eyes.
Because I know it's coming.
No, it's not.
You're going to make fun of me.
You think it's funny.
I'm not going to make fun of you.
I need questions answered.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
So, if you're walking down the street.
Yes.
And there's a little, just let me finish my question.
And there's a little wind.
Do you go, tornado?
I hit the deck.
And you hit the deck.
I hit the deck.
Okay.
That's all I wanted to ask.
I freak out.
Right.
Yeah.
I would love to see you in a real situation of fear.
If you see.
You know what I'm going to do?
What?
I'm going to pay someone to come rob you guys with a real knife and a real gun.
Yeah.
And I'm going to see who steps up to the plate.
Not you.
You're not going to protect the girls.
You have no idea.
You're a puss puss.
You're a little puss puss boy.
I have a puss puss.
You're a puss puss boy.
Okay.
You won't fight or protect.
You're not a protector.
You either.
Yes, I am.
That's why I jumped up.
I've never seen you.
I've never.
No.
That's not why you got up from the fucking thing.
Why did I get up?
Because you didn't know what was going on.
No.
I knew it was.
You got confused.
I woke up.
I knew it's an earthquake.
You got confused.
I heard stuff crashing.
You thought it was the end of the world.
I thought, oh my God.
End of the world.
What if, what if, is the dog okay?
Did something break?
Is something heavy?
Is everything okay?
Yeah.
Yeah.
They should make, you know, they should remake movies.
This is you.
I smoke a cigarette.
I play iPad.
You little late night troll.
You little late night booger.
Don't make fun of me, dude.
I had to go to the hospital.
Okay?
The hospital.
I'm just saying they should remake certain movies about you.
There is no movies about you.
Yeah, like Armageddon.
Speaking of, speaking of.
No, just let me finish.
Yeah.
Armageddon.
Part, the remake.
The earthquake Armageddon remake?
No, no, no.
No, you're in it, right?
Uh-huh.
Asteroids coming, right?
And then the credits roll down.
Because nothing happens.
You're the hero of the story.
Nothing happens.
The credits roll down.
And everyone's in the movie theater going, I guess everyone dies.
They've already made a movie about you.
There we go.
Here we go.
This is what I like about our relationship.
This.
I miss this.
They made several movies about you.
What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
You were fantastic in that.
Oh, I'm at the Leonardo DiCaprio.
I Am Sam.
You were very good in that.
Oh, I see.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You're saying that I'm mentally challenged.
What?
No, the one with Johnny Knoxville.
That was about you, wasn't it?
Were you trying to go to the Olympics?
What's Eating Gilbert Grape?
Am I the fat mother?
Could be.
No.
You're saying that I am the Leo.
You're her as much as you're anybody else in that movie.
Yeah?
Yeah.
I want my son!
That's you.
You're the obese mother that they're going to have to remove from your video
game layer
in 20 years when you die of lack of movement.
And the whole time you'll be yelling, I want my war zone!
We played.
We did play.
We did play.
I'm terrible.
I'm so bad.
It's not even funny.
Bobby would check in with me.
Andrew, are you still okay?
No, it was fun to play with you because...
Oh, so bad.
The first couple times you died, you didn't open up your parachute.
Yeah, well, you have to learn how to jump.
No one gave me the details.
I know.
And then you jumped off a building and you didn't open up your parachute.
Well, three stories.
I thought he could take the hit.
Yeah, no, you didn't.
You broke your legs.
We revived you.
You did.
Well, no, you didn't, Jay.
Josh did.
Yeah, Josh Price.
Very good.
He's phenomenal.
How good is that guy?
He saved me six times and we won twice.
I know.
But first of all, you have to understand how difficult it is.
I know.
I talked to some friends.
Nobody wins.
We won.
Nobody wins.
I know.
We won.
So when what happened, I just didn't...
But it was very joyous.
It was.
Because you have a win in your column.
Can you tell the fans one thing, even though I didn't get credit for it, but
they said it
was true.
I killed a guy.
You did.
But I didn't get credit because what is it?
It said it was...
This is what happened.
Yeah.
Okay.
Is that somebody had hit the guy maybe a couple of times.
Sure.
But you had the final elimination.
Kill.
Yeah.
Right?
But because maybe that person got a little bit more damage than the guy...
They get the kill.
Yeah.
You didn't get the kill.
But you will get kills.
I'm gonna.
I feel like because of your temperament and your aggressiveness that you will
get like
five, six kills a guy.
I'm gonna.
Yeah, I know you will.
At some point.
Yeah.
Do you like the game?
I love it.
Can I show you a gift?
Yeah.
Somebody did something for you.
A friend of a friend of a friend made you an operator.
That's amazing.
How cool is that?
That's really cool.
Isn't that cool?
Y