Name: Bobby Floods the House and Rudy Gets Payback | Ep 26 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2020-08-10T16:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Floods the House and Rudy Gets Payback | Ep 26 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Floods the House and Rudy Gets Payback | Ep 26 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-10. Transcript available.

Bobby Floods the House and Rudy Gets Payback | Ep 26 | Bad Friends

I'm not a maid, I'm just like...
Tito Bobby kept shouting on me when we were driving here
Yeah
He's so loud, so annoying
They're so annoying
I hate this job, Jules
I know
Look, these mics actually get close to you
I think we should just like...
We can take over
Do you think the show would be successful if we would do it?
Maybe...
Right?
Maybe...
Look, we even have...
Some of the homeless plus...
Clothes from...
Tito Bobby
Yeah
Right?
Yeah
Hey, welcome to Bad Friends
Hi
Right?
And I can just like yell at you, because that's super easy
It's like...
You're late!
You're late today!
Why are you late?
Right?
You just have to do nothing!
This is the easiest job in the world!
Yeah
They don't even know how much we do!
Can I still have my knife?
Yeah, I think you should have your knife
Okay
That's it!
There you are!
If they interrupt us, then...
Then we use it?
Yeah
That would be nice!
It would be so nice!
I think this would be so much nicer!
Get out of there!
Get out of there!
You talking now?
You starting?
No
Yeah, why don't you start the podcast?
Let them start the podcast!
Go ahead!
Is it on?
Everything on?
Yeah
Okay, go ahead!
Welcome to Bad Friends!
Hi!
We decided to take over Bobby and Andrew
Yeah
Because this is such an easy job
We just get to talk and shout at each other
Right
Right
And be mean
And be mean
We could be good friends instead of bad friends
Yeah
Right?
We're way nicer
So what did you do today, Juliana?
Did you sleep until like 4?
No, I slept until 5
And I woke up because the constructors were coming to our house
Because yesterday, Tito Bobby flood the house
No
While we were on the beach
No, no, no, no
I didn't fucking
Shut up!
Shut up!
Yeah
Right, so what else happened?
And then
The floor is broken
And then we have to move to another house in a week
How did he do that?
I don't know
He couldn't hear it
So, but I don't believe him
Was he playing video games?
He was doing yoga
Nah
He was exercising?
Yeah
Oh, wow
You guys are doing a good job with him
What about you, Andrew?
Tito Bobby
Can you get closer to the mic?
I am close
Closer
This is it
It's right in my mic
No, closer
I'm close now
This is the way
It can't get any closer than this
That's what you do
That's what you do
You two are bad friends
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude
And an Asian dude
You two are disgusting
You two are something
We're bad friends
Somebody's gotta go to a country club
So he can get in
At three o'clock
Cause he is elitist
That's right
Right
It's like
It's like
Hey everybody
Welcome to Bad Friends
I'm Bobby Lee
I'm Andrew Santino
And so
You know, I get a call
Yesterday from
One of my best buddies
He goes, "Hey"
He goes, "Hey"
You know, that's how he fucking
Answers the phone
I said, "Hi, Bob"
I was actually very nice the other day
I go, "Hey, Bob"
"How are ya?"
Yeah, yeah, yeah
And I congratulated you, didn't I?
Why?
Because what did you do?
Nothing
What did you do?
What did you do?
What do you mean?
I do a lot of things
What did I congratulate you on, Bob?
Oh, I'm being perfect?
What did I congratulate you on?
Oh, you sold a television show
Okay
Congratulations
Thank you
That's huge
So I had to move
So let me say something
Yeah, go ahead
Alright, so
I'm, this week
I'm pitching
To networks
Because I wrote a stupid show
Okay?
With my friend Peter
And
Peter wrote it
Go ahead
Goddamn
You don't even have final draft on your computer
I bet my life on it
Okay, anyway
Do you?
Do you have
I don't have a computer
Okay, okay
So Peter wrote it
No, you
I do old school
Yes, old school
Hemingway
What's old school?
On a fucking pad
With a feather pen?
Yeah, yeah
With a feather pen
Okay
Alright, so you wrote the show with Peter
And you sold the show
And I was so happy for you
So then Thursday
We shoot this on Thursdays
Usually, yeah
Usually
And I call him and I say
Listen, we're still pitching to other places
Can we move this to Friday?
And he goes
You know, his face gets on fire
I'm ghostwriter
Right?
Yeah, and then
So then
Last night he calls me
He goes
Meet me at one o'clock
We do it
We do this at three, by the way
Hey, Bob
Do you think you can do this at one p.m.?
That's what I said
Bob, do you think you can do it tomorrow at one p.m.?
It would help me out
But that's like asking a normal person
Just a normal person
Hey, can you get here at four in the morning?
Normal people
Don't fucking sleep till three p.m.
I'm just saying
I'm not normal
I have a different
That scale isn't
That scale isn't
But that scale isn't correct
That's not correct
It's like somebody
Saying
Hey, can you
Can you show up at seven a.m.?
Yeah, pretty
It's super reasonable
Seven a.m.
Super reasonable
Okay
People do it every day to go to work
Every single day
In fact, the mass population probably does that every day
Yeah, but
Go ahead
Tell your fucking story
Right, so
I go
I go
Why?
Don't worry about it
I move for you
That's right
I move for you
I move for you
And I go
All right
You must have something important to do
That's right
So I get up
And it was really difficult
And you got up today
It was hard to get up today, huh?
It was so hard to get up
You know
I get up
Yeah
I gotta fucking
You know, Andrew has
His aunt
Probably has cancer
And he has to go to the hospital
Mm-hmm
Or, you know
He's meeting
You know
The Russo Brothers
I am meeting the Russo Brothers this afternoon
Because he's gonna be in the next Avengers movie
Something
You know, something like that
I don't
Let me finish
You're so annoying
I don't have any work coming in right now
Really?
You're on Davey
It doesn't come back for a calendar year
A year
Davey
So I don't get to work for a year
Davey
So you get to dance around
You've done two commercials
Okay?
Davey
You've had two auditions
And you sold a television show
So then I go
I come here
And I go
What was it?
At three that you had to go
Well, I'm trying to get into this country club
Golf club
Country club
Golf club
It's a men's club
It's a golf club
And I go
That's why you move?
I have to go meet with the board today
That's important
All right, so
At 3 p.m.
All right
At the end of the day
What are you getting so angry for?
What are you getting so angry for?
You're such a fucking
You're a gaslighting dick
I'm calm
You were smoking
And you talked shit outside
Before the cameras were on
I'm so calm right now
Look at the average time
That most Americans wake up
Yeah
Guess what time it doesn't have on there
P.m.
No post meridian on there
4, 5, 6, 7, 8
You complain about waking up at 1 o'clock in the afternoon
To do me a little baby favor
Oh, I'm sorry
Juliana's sick
Then why is she here?
She sleeps
Right?
She sleeps
She needs 12 hours of sleep
Why are you here if you're sick?
She shouldn't be here if she's sick
I'm
On a daily basis
I'm on her schedule
So she can get her fucking rest
Okay?
Is that true, Jules?
No
You don't sleep 12 hours
I do but
There we go
She has a condition
We have a gun to the doctor
She's growing
She's an 18 year old girl
She's young
She's still growing
She needs her sleep and her rest
Her mind is still developing
You are 50
You don't
You've got
Shouldn't you be up
48
48
Yeah, 48 years old
I know but you're kissing 50
Right there
Is that 50?
Yeah
And it's fine
I'm not criticizing you
For your sleep schedule
But when I ask you to do me a small favor
Can't you just do me a small favor?
If people didn't know who we were
If people didn't know who we were
And we took our
We took headshots
And we
We had a fucking committee
Like a focus group
Yeah
And said who's older
I don't know
I don't know who would fucking win that fucking competition
That's because you were always ugly
You always looked ugly
I got uglier as I got older
That's fine
But you were
You always looked that way
That's mean
That's cruel
What was the thing you just said to me Bob?
You just said
I look older than you
You said I was 50
You are
I know
You're almost 50
I know
And you know what we're gonna do for your 50th birthday?
Let's go back to the country club?
Let's go back to the golf club
And let's go back to your house
Why are you moving out of your house?
Okay
If we
First of all
I was not gonna even mention this
Jules did
So
There are consequences to your behavior young lady
Right?
No we talked on the
We talked
We would not mention this
And you threw me fucking under the bus
Okay
That was you
So
You broke the floor
And now you have to move out
Can Jules tell it?
Can I hear her tell it instead of you?
Cause yours is gonna be
She just
What she
Just told it?
Yeah
And she just said something
That made me so angry
What did she say?
She goes
And it's Bobby's fault
Something like that
Was it Bobo's fault?
I mean no one was there
Except him
If it's only you at home
Whose fault is it then?
Okay
So what you're saying to me is this
That I took the kitchen
Okay
So
We have a
We have two sinks in the kitchen
I know
Okay
We have an island
Yes
On the island
It's a sink
Next to the sink
Right?
Is
The lever for the fucking sink
Is one of those long metal things that stick out
And it's very loose
Yeah
You tap it a little bit
Water sprays
Sure
What's next to the sink?
The cat bowls
We have three cats
I know
Okay
Bojo
Or Goonie
One of those two cats
Hit the fucking lever
Right?
While I'm in the other room doing yoga
These girls are going
To the beach
You know?
Cause that's the life they live
Yeah
Easy peasy
Easy peasy
Easy peasy
Right?
You bastard
You fucking ungrateful little bastard
Did you even invite
Did you invite him to the beach?
No she didn't
Yeah
No she didn't
Atikaliila did
But then
No you don't
You didn't invite me
But Atikaliila did
Yeah but you didn't invite me
Why didn't you say Tito Bobby
Do you want to come to the beach?
Do you not care if he comes to the beach?
No I care but Atikaliila already did
And he said no
But I think it would mean a lot to him if you invited him
Okay next time
Yeah
It would mean so much to me
Alright
Oh and by the way
I wasn't going to even mention this
But this
You just
You just
You deserve it
When we're in the fucking car ride over here
We drove by a guy
Right?
And she goes
There he is
And I go
And I waved to this guy
We're driving
And I go
Who did I just waved to?
It's him
Who?
You would think that it was Brad Pitt
Right
Some famous hot guy
You would think it was George Clooney
Just walking down the street
Right
She goes
Jason Nash
You know who that is?
Oh yeah he does
Yeah he did sketch stuff
I'm sure he's a very nice guy
And very talented
I know who he is yeah
But she acted as if
It was
Jesus just came back
I wasn't that excited
You were
Yeah you were
Yeah you were
Yeah you were
Oh yeah you were
Okay
You like him huh?
Yeah she likes him
And then she does a slam
Another slam that you did
I go
What you like that guy?
She's like
No he old
I go
He's
She goes
He old as you
And I was just like
You know
Yeah but she likes him
Cause she's entertained
She finds him entertaining
You don't have a crush on him
No
No no no no
It's not like that
I mean
She just thinks he's funny
I have no idea
She thinks he's funny
She thinks he's funny
So anyway I'm doing yoga
And um
All of a sudden
You know I'm in the pose
Mmhmm
I'm doing the stretches
Yeah
Right?
All of a sudden I see
They come home from the beach
The house is flooded
The house is flooded
I go into the kitchen
There's like this much water
Right?
Wait time out
On hard wooden floors
Time out real fast
They were gone
You were home
The house flooded
You didn't know
You didn't know
No
Wow
Mmm
So you had turned on the sink on accident
You went down to do yoga
I didn't fucking turn on the sink
I never use that fucking sink
But neither do they
Yeah they do
They use that sink all the time
But they didn't use it that day before the beach
The cat hit it man
The cat turned it on
Yes
So wait
It's the spigot that goes into the sink
How would it flood?
Is it plugged?
Did the sink plug?
No so the
The um
Is it the spigot?
Sure
Where the water comes out?
Yeah I don't know if we can say that but
What's it called?
I think it's a spigot
Okay
Let's just say it's called a spigot
It was 