Name: Bobby Quits Smoking & WAP! | Ep 29 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2020-08-31T16:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Quits Smoking & WAP! | Ep 29 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bobby Quits Smoking & WAP! | Ep 29 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-31. Transcript available.

Bobby Quits Smoking & WAP! | Ep 29 | Bad Friends

you two are bad friends who are these two idiots white dude and an asian dude
you two are disgusting
well you two are something we're bad friends how do you feel bob i ain't going
out like that
i ain't going out like that i ain't going out i ain't going out like that i ain't
going out like
that i ain't going out it's actually i ain't going out like that i ain't going
out like that
that's what it's like but i don't know i have my own way of doing it man it's
like a
fucking yeah that's right your hair your hair looks ridiculous like a dum-dum
2012.
off to a good start yeah yeah why is your hair like that because italia
i made him enough or he couldn't refuse you wanted me to be italian i'm an italian
gangster
for you it's summer did you go swimming did you go swimming and and you slicked
your hair back yeah
i was swimming in the pool today can we go do we close that or no that's it can't
go close right
now because because the because george is in there and he wants to be somewhere
george is in today
because fancy b is on vacation vacation listen um everyone listening so we're
setting up something
something very special we might be going to a city near you we could be coming
to a city near you very
very very soon and we're going to do um live podcasts in every city one-nighters
one-nighters
with we take an rv uh-huh with uh video accompaniment with q a we got all sorts
of stuff planned yeah
but guess what guess what bad rudy can't go wait why because she has school
online
yeah but i have a full load oh i it's it's the attitude is yeah did you with
the way she said it
she goes yeah uh i have a full load also don't say full load what a weird thing
to say yeah yeah
a full locate just say i'm busy i'm busy i'm busy and how many classes do you
have eight
okay that is that is a full load yeah but it's also it's online so what you don't
think we're going to
go to places where there's the internet and actually do you know what i just
bought the other day what
a mobile wi-fi hotspot like i literally have the wi-fi hotspot for when we
travel so you can have
high-speed wi-fi internet and the things also that we could teach you you'll
learn a lot more than
in school by far yeah ask me a question jules i'll give you the answer anything
ask him anything
um what is the 1817 the declaration of independence was to buy john adams and
he created the constitution
within so that we have social justice because of the fact because of the fact
yeah and what do you
think about that kid yeah go ahead oh actually what was the question you were
going to ask yeah i'm
sorry what is the chemical formula of oh 4.2 chemical formula of water let me
you you obviously know what
that is h2o yeah is that h2o look at i looked at it because i didn't know yeah
but did you believe
i got that yeah it was good my eye my eyes started vibrating well okay what's
uh what's carbon dioxide
co2 what's carbon monoxide c get your ass in class yeah you're not going punk
kid you're not going
you need it you need to learn yeah do you know how many elements on the
periodic table are you aware of
there's about 20 i don't know 28 i don't don't look at me you're in school also
we finished we
finished and also this book smart right doesn't make doesn't make you survive
in the world i'll
give you real life street street skills yeah all right well let's suppose you're
walking down the
street two in the morning you're on sixth and uh and western right and a
homeless man goes hey kid
come in this alleyway i have some candy hey what do you do do you like twix i
what i have yeah what
do you do what do you do jules i don't talk to him no you know you get the
candy it's free candy
it's free you're not gonna take free candy are you out of your mind because
here's what happens you
don't talk to him watch this you be the homeless guy and i'm jules and i'll be
when you don't talk
all right watch what happens well first he does this
hey hey hey brown brown you're brown little girl huh yeah yeah from philippines
yeah your philippines
yeah yes yes hey little girl yeah come in this alleyway my home and i got a bag
full of candy for
you no oh what a loser boo loser you go where's the candy yeah and then you go
what if he has a vault
filled with the what do you what's your favorite candy um nerds
nerds of all the good candy you chose nerds that nerds is it's just sand
do they even make that anymore no yeah nerds you don't like any chocolate you
don't like i like reese's
okay reese's is good reese's cups or bars cups do you want to do you want to
read the lyrics of what
ass pussy well i mean i i've never read it before i don't know if i guess but
don't say all the cuss
words in this let's see if we can do an edited version of this is cardi b and
megan the stallion
uh and this is uh wap this is the new song i'll try to change certain of the
lyrics so let's see
let's see what you get out of this doesn't become you know i mean yeah uh loose
women in this house
no no i don't sing it don't do that don't do that all right i don't know the
song so i can't loose
women in this house there's some loose women in this house there's some loose
women in this house
there's some loose women in this house i said certified freak seven days a week
wet no moist vagina puss no moist vagina make the pullout game weak
yeah yeah yeah let's go you you're fucking some more you said the affords
oh shit you freaking some moist vagina bring a bucket and a mop for this moist
vagina
give me everything you got for this moist moist i can say ass vagina right beat
it up again get your
charge extra large and extra hard that's fine put this vagina right in your
face swipe your nose like
a credit card hop on top i want to ride i do a kegel it's inside spit in my
mouth look at my eyes
this wet this vagina is moist come take a dive tie me up like i'm surprised let's
role play i'll wear a
disguise i want you to park that big mac truck right in this little garage
make what make it cream make me scream out in public make a scene i don't cook
i don't clean
but let me tell you how i got this right okay aye aye aye yeah thank you thank
you i can't believe
you're not going to be able to come on the on the little trip with us i'm a
little bit bummed about
that who are we gonna have to take well she's she said that she would do stand-up
at the irvine show
you will you'll come down yes you will yeah she's we're doing the irvine we're
doing irvine for
sure right yeah yeah so what if what if she goes on stage with andres oh yeah
they do a bit it'll
be called it'll be called the broken english buds the broken english buds and
you both of you can do
stand-up together would you like that you don't have a choice yeah you don't
have a choice you don't
have a choice we're gonna make it yeah yeah yeah i want to make you do it uh
you she's look she's so
betrayed by me right now because in the car she goes don't talk about the show
i'm not doing stand-up
you know what i mean i'm like why would you do that when you know we're going
to talk about it then
no because we made a deal with teacher bobby what's the deal
that i would lie for him all right all right stop no no wait wait wait wait mom's
the word dude wait
wait so i'm warning you right now okay but you already broke the deal it doesn't
matter i don't
care about the deal i don't give a shit about the deal all right young lady
right my word is god
okay it's but if you betray me right now you'll see what comes to you okay
hey yeah mom's the word mom is the word yeah say it say mom's the word mom's
the word that's right
yeah she's so angry no no i can feel it you shouldn't have told him not to say
something you know
he's gonna say it she feels so betrayed no because he started it he said if you
lie
then i won't say anything right so you're creating an allegiance here i like
that yeah
i think it's smart look yeah rudy do what's going to benefit you the most yeah
okay okay okay okay so
now you're afraid you now you're thinking rudy you're thinking that i won't
reveal the lie on air
i will reveal the lie just to spite you okay so sunday sunday okay i did the um
hypnosis
okay how'd it go it went great seriously yes wow but i think i fell completely
asleep
that's okay no no but i don't think i was in deep sleep yeah but i think it's
subconscious it didn't
work it didn't work i don't think it worked you're smoking no that's not that
being said no oh okay so
he allowed me so monday i did a cooking show right so i did a cooking show and
i said when i'm doing
cooking shows i need to smoke i get stressed out t when you do shoots yeah all
right so then he allowed
me to smoke monday and then tuesday i completely ran out of cigarettes and he
says he said i i can
only smoke one cigarette a day so i ran out of cigarettes but i have these
gigantic ashtrays
filled with butts you smoking butts so i think i smoked the equivalent of one
cigarette but it could
have been 20 cigarettes i don't know because it was just butts yeah there was
no way to measure butts
there's i mean i i think about i think one but i think to get one full
cigarette you'd smoke six
butts how about that one full 20. 20 butts is one full cigarette yeah that's
insane i mean that's the
scale i was using okay okay and then so um then i told her i go i'm only
supposed to be down to one
cigarette a day but i think i'm not doing it right so i said don't reveal that
on the podcast you just
did i just did because i made a deal with her that right i wouldn't mention
these things okay i mean
so i i called myself out all right now we good then are you mad still i'm fine
you're fine now partially
i feel she might be partially mad what do you get along with the hypnotherapist
i love the guy he's a
great guy huh he's a great guy but um you know i just i i i i don't know i see
here's the thing
when i was in high school right yeah we we had a hypnotist at at the high
school he you know like
a student no he did a show this oh right like a guy came in to speak so all the
students go up on
stage and everyone was like you know everyone's supposed to be hypnotized and
he's like turns into a
duck yeah you guys are roosters right and i was on stage too and i was going
doing it but i knew i
wasn't hypnotized of course i just wanted to do the crew i think they pick
people at those school things
that they know are going to be showmen they don't pick like they don't pick rudy
they pick you because
they know you're going to do it right that's my theory that's the thing they
know they they go this
guy's fun yeah he's going to be a goofball the silly little china kid yeah look
at him that's what
is it the sun she's a little china kid yeah he looks like somebody with the
principal because
he's smiling right now yeah with the principal he's like all right check it out
i want the little china
kid i want the toby little china kid yeah yeah uh i want the goofball with pimples
with the red hair
i want him yeah and i want the uh the loud fat the loud fat black kid i want
them like they pick
people that they know are going to have fun there's no way they don't pick
quiet nerds yeah she
wouldn't do it worst candy on earth they wouldn't pick yeah yeah they wouldn't
yeah they wouldn't
no yeah because she wouldn't rate that the thing is is that it's not as if they
said they they point
to people and they go you the guy kid in the back who's not raising his hand
they ask for volunteers
and the ones that are volunteering like i'll do it are the ones are going to do
it anyway of course
because who else would do that right who would be the first person to go oh i'll
pick me because
all the friends are going i know everyone around you goes bobby do it bobby and
you're like shut
up and they're like do it yeah yeah i'm gonna do it all right i'll do it yeah
yeah people did that
didn't they yeah see and you're up there doing a rooster and then after the
show people go hey dude
man you were crazy up there and then you you lie you go i know i didn't even
know w