Name: 3 Bears 2 Caves ft. Tom Segura | Ep 34 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2020-10-05T16:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '3 Bears 2 Caves ft. Tom Segura | Ep 34 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '3 Bears 2 Caves ft. Tom Segura | Ep 34 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-05. Transcript available.

3 Bears 2 Caves ft. Tom Segura | Ep 34 | Bad Friends

You know, at first I was like, I'm on a show. It's pretty cool.
But after a while, sitting here listening to these morons, and not once,
does anyone ever think to get me some water?
I'm tired, man.
Well, I guess I should tell you.
We got merch.
Go to badfriendsmerch.com.
Oh, now you give me water?
F*** you!
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Hello, hello, hello.
Wow.
Woo, woo, woo.
Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends.
Woo, woo, woo, woo, woo.
We've got Red.
Red is not here.
Red's not here.
Red's doing a movie in Beirut.
You know, it's called the Nuremberg Effect.
He's in a movie called the Nuremberg Effect.
I'm actually, I'm doing a movie right now.
I'm in North Korea.
It's called The Impossible Chopstick.
And it's good.
Okay, that's a f***ing microaggression.
Is that?
No, it's not.
It's a microaggression.
It's a microaggression.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Is that your?
Bobby, yeah.
Everywhere he goes, he's doing a movie.
It's him, Brad Pitt, Tom Hardy, and some other people.
Oh, it sounds like Tom Hardy.
Small budget.
Tom Hanks.
Yeah, yeah.
Small budget.
Yeah, the budget's like a million.
Around the world.
So, he's shooting New Zealand next week.
So, he's going to have that set there.
And then I fly to Peru.
Then I finish the movie in Peru.
That's great.
And what's crazy is I start, right after that, I start a movie with The Rock.
The Rock and I are doing like a, it's called Transitioning.
It's called The Rock and the Hard Place.
Bro.
Rock and the Hard Place.
Yeah.
Andrew, that's a very busy schedule.
Yeah, dude, but it's like, that's who I am.
That's who I want to be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I would, honestly, with that schedule, I never would say this to
somebody, but I would,
I think that's appropriate to tell you that I think it's time to quit podcasting.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Like, I mean, that's Tom Hardy, Tom Hanks, The Rock.
Like, you're fucking, you're done with this.
You're there now.
You're done with this.
I don't know, but, but it's like, it's you guys.
You know what I mean?
I mean, Bobby Lee, Tom Segura.
You think your names aren't ranked as high as Tom Hardy?
And, and, and Tom Cruise and those guys?
I don't.
I don't think so.
I don't.
And I think, I think they would mock us if they met us.
Yeah.
Can we start with this?
Last night.
Yeah.
Papa's trying to sleep.
You know, Papa, Papa, that's me.
Papa likes to sleep.
And I'm about to get to bed.
And then all of a sudden, you know, sometimes I'll, I'll, I'll cap the night
off with, uh,
you know, going on the internet, some whatnot.
And then, you know, you get the news that, um, Trump has the COVID.
I know.
Right.
And then, um, I didn't sleep for 12 hours.
I was just laying there, just fucking reading, reading and Googling.
What was your first emotion when you found out?
I prayed.
You did not.
I did.
As Jules knows, as Andrew knows, I'm, I'm, I'm a Jesus freak.
I believe in the Lord.
And I got on my hands and knees.
And I'll tell you the fucking prayer I did.
Okay.
Dear Lord, heavenly fathers.
Uh-huh.
Right?
Yeah.
To you, to each his own.
Right?
So I, I, I follow up with that.
Right?
Wait.
Dear Lord.
Wait, who are the heavenly fathers?
Because that's a plural.
Okay.
Cleopatra.
Because he's up there.
Right.
Right.
We've got Jesus.
Definitely.
Yeah.
He's a son.
He's like the captain or whatever.
Oh, he's got to be.
He's an admiral up there.
He's captain of the team, I think.
We've got, uh, Moisy.
Moses.
Some people call it Moisy.
Yes.
I call it Moses.
We've also got, um, um, the Holy Ghost.
And he's like the ninja of, up there.
Yeah.
Because you can't really see, he's not really around.
You can't see him.
Do you feel like the Holy Ghost is Asian?
He could be.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Holy Ghost has like a cloud mask on.
Yeah.
It looks like COVID, but a mask, but like he's got the eyes, you know what I
mean?
Dude, ninjas are so tight.
So, yeah.
And so Holy Ghost is like a cloud ninja.
How much, did you try to do that?
Did you try, did you dress up as a ninja as a kid?
Yeah, multiple times.
And it's pronounced Hoary Ghost.
Hoary Ghost.
Oh, Hoary Ghost.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hoary Ghost.
Hoary, that's a microaggression.
And he, um, it's, and so, um.
Wait, you're not offended by that?
What?
The Hoary Ghost?
No, because that's what ninjas are, Hoary Ghost.
I mean, that's what, yeah, that's what we call it.
Yeah.
Cloud ninjas.
I'm very offended.
I'm offended by it.
Yeah.
But I let it go.
Okay, okay, okay.
I'm very offended by it.
That's what I was making sure.
Yeah, yeah.
A lot of things that he says is very offensive.
Bobby.
But as an ethnic person trying to survive in this world.
Yeah.
I try to let it go.
Trying to survive.
Trying to survive.
The guy has, like, five television shows and five movies going right now.
Shut, shut up.
Hey, fuck you, all right?
Fuck you, Bob.
You're being rude with Tom Hanks and Tom Hardy and all the Tom.
You have five movies going right now?
No, I got nothing going.
All right, I don't know what he says.
Liar.
Liar.
Tell him what's going on.
He's got DV on FX.
Does he make racially charged statements like that with the words and
everything often?
He does.
Like, the other day he goes, hey, he just calls me out.
He goes, what is the Drex translation of Ching Chong?
And I go, yeah, he does.
I go, I think Ching Chong is just, you know what I mean?
Just generic.
Not a generic thing that, like, white people say to Asians back in the day.
That's not, that is not true.
I said, I called you and I said, does Ching Chong mean anything?
I didn't know.
Yeah, yeah.
And I said, no, it's just, it doesn't.
And so he hangs up.
And then an hour later he goes, you know, when you drive at, I don't think it's
safe for
you to drive at night.
And I go, why not?
And he goes, because you're not going to be able to see much.
Yeah.
Right.
So I go, that's not true.
I have great, I can't see peripherally.
Why can't you see peripherally?
Because my eyes are slanties.
Wait, is this a true thing?
Yeah.
Seriously?
I can only see a straight ahead.
And it's also like this.
Yeah.
Right.
He's like a horse, like a horse blinder.
It's a horse blinder.
And it kind of, you know, I mean, you know, it kind of curves off like this.
Have you considered the surgery where they open it up?
I refuse.
Oh.
Because I don't want to see that much.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
That's a good point.
That's a good point.
I don't want to see everything.
Right, right, right.
I just want to see this much.
Right.
So your eyes are perfect.
Right.
So I go, no, I can see this much on the road, so it's fine.
But, so my prayer, let's go back to the prayer.
Dear Lord, I said all that's right.
And I go, please, in your heavenly arms, right, please coddle, please coddle
our great leader,
Donald Trump.
Yeah.
And make him good.
The strength of America is behind him right now.
Right.
Make him good and make him fine.
And he does not deserve this.
Yeah.
Nobody does.
Right.
And dear Jesus in heaven's name, amen to you and all.
Wow, that's a really nice prayer.
That's a really, really nice prayer.
So that's what I did.
When I found out that he had it, I did the prayer, and then you go into the
conspiracy
theories, right?
One of them being, right, he's faking it.
Mm-hmm.
I've heard this.
To get sympathy.
Yeah.
I don't buy that conspiracy theory.
I don't either because, do you, Andrew?
Because you'd have to get so many people involved.
Here's how you know that he's actually sick.
His whole thing, his whole persona is based on, like, I'm tough, I'm strong, I
don't need
that, that shit doesn't apply to me, things don't bother me.
The very fact that he would allow himself to be taken to Walter Reed Hospital,
that's something
that he would not want to do.
They also landed the helicopter as close as they could to the door.
Yeah.
No, he's sick, man.
He's like, pull it up right to the door.
They're like, we'll die if we do that.
We have to do five feet away, you know what I mean?
He's like, I can't, and he barely, he made it.
They're like, the blades are going to go through the fucking cement here.
And he's like, no, no, no, no.
So he did make it in there, and you're right.
I think his ego wouldn't allow it.
Absolutely.
That's why you know it's real, I think.
Yeah, but you know, I feel.
But then he'll probably, they'll probably say, like, he was on a respirator,
his temperature
is 106, and when he comes out, he'll be like, not that bad.
It really wasn't bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm a strong guy, and strong guys, it just doesn't fuck with.
Yeah, but it really is, I was telling Andrew earlier, because we waited three
hours for
you to arrive, and we would have waited forever.
I am sorry, I already apologized, I'm sorry.
You are the Tomas, Sir Tomas, Sir Tomas, okay?
And we know.
I'll tell you this, this is actually just more wholesome than the only other
time that
I completely forgot I was scheduled to do a podcast.
Yeah, yeah.
So this is the second time.
Yeah.
Today, as I said, a big tennis match, you know, I was out in the sun, I got
home, showered,
I'm laying on the couch, and literally, Andrew's like, let me know when you get
there, and I
was like, fuck, right?
And I just panicked.
Yeah.
Got my kid dressed, and I was like, yeah, you guys gotta watch them, and I just
jumped
in the car and drove, the last time was in 20, God, I wanna say this is 2012,
holy shit,
but I remember it like it was yesterday, and I had agreed to do the Sklar
Brothers podcast.
Which is one of the best.
They're great.
They're great guys, and they're like, hey, will you, you know, come on Friday,
and we'll
see you at noon, and I go, yeah, okay.
I'm jerking off, looking at my phone, watching porn, like stroking my dick, and
it just, you
know, the iPhone thing, it's like Randy Sklar, and I'm like, and as soon as I
see his
name, I'm like, fuck, so he's like, are you close, and I was like, to coming,
yeah, and
then I just had to do the whole thing where I couldn't, I mean, I didn't want
to tell him
what I was doing, but he knows now.
Randy, when he texts me, I come anyway, it's really strange, the moment, bing,
I see, it
just won't come out.
Just jizz, yeah.
I'm gonna be honest with you, I never have ever, and asked them, have called
them by their
name, because I don't know who's who.
I know you don't.
I really don't.
I always go, what's up?
The brothers are in town, if I see them both, or, oh, where's your other better
half?
I'll do something like that, but I've never felt more in sync with you, because
I absolutely
refuse to try, and sometimes they do the thing where they're like, hey, I got
the glasses,
it's Jason, and you're like, I fucking know, I know, you think I don't know it's
you, Jason?
Yeah, so I don't know the difference, but they're great guys, and they're a
talent.
So wait, does Ching Chong really not mean anything?
I think Ching Chong means, um, um, hello, maybe.
Can we just address something about it, though?
Go ahead.
It's a fun thing to say.
Yeah.
It's unfortunate that it has negative, you know, racial connotation, because it
really,
it really feels...
It flows off the tongue.
It flows off the tongue.
Tell me, tell me you guys have seen, there is a very offensive meme, okay?
It's, it's a mentally handicapped Asian guy, and he's a maestro of an orchestra.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
And it says, and a one, and a three, and a Ching Chong potato.
Yeah.
And it's easily the funniest meme I've ever seen in my entire life.
Yeah, right.
Is it offensive?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's just very funny.
Very funny.
But also, like, it also, it would be nice if it was acceptable to use for, like,
you know
what I mean?
Like, let's say you were like, hey, uh, you know, my, my mom made this dish.
And I was like, what is it?
And then you could be like, it's just some Ching Chong shit, you know?
And like, you know?
And I'm like, oh, yeah, yeah.
The worst is, you'll see comics, i