Name: Tito Debate Election 2020 | Ep 38 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2020-11-02T17:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tito Debate Election 2020 | Ep 38 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tito Debate Election 2020 | Ep 38 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-02. Transcript available.

Tito Debate Election 2020 | Ep 38 | Bad Friends

You two are bad friends!
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
Well, you two are something.
We're bad friends.
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
Bobby was late. It's an update.
Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do.
You're late every day.
It pisses me off.
And that's why I'm always mad.
You're so f***ing late.
I'm late to the show.
I'm not always late.
You're late every time we film.
You're late every time we film.
Bob, without fail.
Every single time?
Yeah, bro, yes.
You're too early.
That's your problem.
So is being on time too early?
No, no, no.
What you do is you come here like 20 minutes before.
So it seems like longer.
What you do is you come 20 minutes before to set up the show
to make sure that everything is in order so that when we shoot, we're ready.
I understand that, but it's all about perception and time.
It's all about, it's all about, right, Jules?
No, no, no, don't, don't, don't.
What do you mean it's all about perception and time?
It's how you perceive it and how you live your time.
Swing and a miss, and that one's way outside, Bobby.
No, no, no.
I live in the moment.
Yeah, and the moment is the time we're supposed to shoot.
Live in that moment and be on it.
Right, but we're here now in the moment shooting.
Late, but other people, we have stuff to do, you know?
What do you have to do?
I have to go to a thing this evening.
What thing?
Another COVID party?
I'm watching another COVID party.
I'm watching a premiere tonight.
Are you in it?
Mm-hmm.
What is it?
Davey plus two?
No, that season is about to start and it's FXX.
Thank you very much.
Okay, sorry.
Let's not make fun of my show.
I'm not making fun of your show.
I'm just saying what kind of fucking premiere are you going to?
The way you say it, the way you say Davey, you're on Magnum PI.
I'm gallus.
Is Magnum PI the cool show to be on?
I'm gallus.
You are gallus.
Yeah.
Good to see you, Boop.
No.
No, no, no, no.
Because what you don't understand is, go ahead, is that I woke up, right, in a
fury.
Why?
When I called you?
No, because we have construction in the house.
Because of the floor.
Yeah.
So there's buzz saws going, dogs barking, you know, crazy.
I can't find my keys.
And then all of a sudden, like, I'm spilling drinks because I'm looking for,
and things are
splashing all over the fucking place.
And, you know, there's tension.
Check it out.
Check it out.
Let me finish.
Yeah.
There's tension, right?
I run down, right?
I go, you know what?
I go, baby, get me Starbucks.
She orders me Starbucks, right?
Mm-hmm.
I run down, I'm like, maybe I'll just, maybe going in front of Jules,
downstairs, right?
Because she's in school, right?
It'll make me feel better.
So I go in there, and she just gives me fucking judge eyes, you know what I
mean?
Judge eyes.
Like, Judge Ito eyes.
She's just like, everything I'm doing, like, I'm OJ.
Guilty.
Yeah, guilty, right?
And so then I'm playing Warzone, and then, like, I can't get no kills.
I'm just like, I'm just dying out there, man.
And then all of a sudden, like, you know, then the Starbucks is late, and we're
supposed
to go here.
And I go, should I get my coffee and have my little sandwich, or should I come
to Malnourished
to this podcast?
Should I come Malnourished?
Check it out.
Yeah.
Check it out.
We called, I talked to you at 2.
2.30.
Okay, you had an hour and a half to put food in your body.
Okay, but here.
And to get here on time.
I didn't.
But you wanted, but you wanted to wait to the story.
I didn't tell the story, right?
You didn't?
I didn't tell the story, right?
So everything was just a lie, what you just said.
No, no, there's one little thing that I forgot to mention.
Is it an important detail?
Really huge.
And why'd you leave it out?
Because I just wanted to get through the fucking story.
Oh, so the important things you should take out.
Yeah.
Okay, so what's the one thing that you didn't?
So, Starbucks wasn't the first option.
When I came down there, right, right to your room.
Time out.
How long did you play Warzone for?
We're waiting for that.
Let me just finish my point.
Okay.
So when I came down there, what did I say was coming first initially?
The sandwich?
No.
Burrito.
Oh, burrito.
Did I say burrito?
Yeah.
Okay, thank you.
So I go, we ordered burritos from Koufax.
Yeah, I love it.
Breakfast burritos.
It's great.
Great, right?
Yeah, great.
So then I start playing Warzone and I'm texting Kalilah.
You can see the text.
Where is it?
We have to go, right?
And then she goes, it's coming.
We're waiting.
And then all of a sudden she says, they fucking canceled the order.
Because it was a breakfast burrito and you ordered it at 2:00 PM?
I don't know.
But that could be it.
I don't know what it is.
And you might have a point, but that's irrelevant.
It's irrelevant, right?
Okay.
Whatever the reasons why they canceled it, they canceled it.
Sure.
Right?
So I'm like, now it's like, we're supposed to be at 4:00.
Now it's like 3:45.
And I'm like, I can't podcast without coffee.
And I need to get some nutrients in my body because I'm a human being.
And that's what I fucking drive on.
Could have some food at the house.
Could.
No, because-
Could have some food around the house.
The construction is what?
They're blocking the fridge.
Yes.
So?
So I can't go up there because, and it has nothing to do with their race or
anything.
Oh, it does.
But they're talking about the Hispanics.
Oh boy.
That's what it is.
You don't like to be around Mexicans.
No, that's what I love them.
You get nervous around Mexicans.
I love them.
Cinco de Mayo, I'm fucking, I'm the one with the fucking spices, man.
They, you go upstairs.
I bring the spices to the party.
Hola, senor.
And you're like.
No, I don't.
So I can't go up there.
And it's like, um, so we're late.
All right.
But there's a reason why.
All that other shit you just talked about.
Was that not it?
Yeah, those are the reasons.
Those are the reasons.
Yeah, yeah.
So I think that in a court of law that I would win.
Mm-mm.
Oh, yeah, oh, yeah.
No way.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
There's no way.
In a court of law I would win.
All right.
Well, I got you a gift anyway.
For what?
Because.
I got you two gifts.
Because we're concerned about your sleep patterns and I hear you breathe.
The fans have noted that you're breathing so much.
They can hear how you breathe in the mic.
Yeah.
And they're concerned.
A lot of people hear fluttering within your lungs.
People are getting concerned.
We've had a lot of fans write in.
Medical fans have said, "I work in the medical field.
Bobby sounds a little sketchy when he breathes."
So breathe through your nose into the mic.
Go ahead.
They're worried.
So, we got you two things.
I'm getting you help, by the way.
I'm getting you a sleep apnea coach.
We're going to, is going to be on next week.
Okay?
But I've got you two things that I'd like you to try on now.
This is an anti-snoring chin strap.
The white one.
Let's see if that works.
See if it, see if it maybe helps a little bit with your breathing technique.
These chin straps are from, from Amazon.
They were the cheapest one I could find.
So I don't know if they're, and they're made in Wuhan, China.
I don't know where that is or if that's a good spot to come from, but that's
what these are made.
You place the wide part.
I already know how to use these before.
You used it?
Yeah.
But then put the other part behind your head.
So, unstrap the, Bob.
Are you snoring?
No, this is perfect.
Working.
These are great.
Working.
Well, there's a black one too.
But we also got you one more thing as a gift.
This is from the crew here at Bad Friends.
This is a two-in-one anti-snoring and an air purifier.
This is actually very dope.
This came highly recommended.
You put this in your schnoz.
You won't snore.
It'll help you not have sleep apnea stuff.
And on top of it, you're filtering out all the stuff that's in the air here in
Los Angeles.
We have crappy air, you know?
So throw that in your schnoz and let's see what that does.
We have really bad air.
Have you ever seen the dust outside when you look at the furniture?
Isn't it disgusting?
Yeah.
It's gross.
This would mean, this would mean, this would mean, this would mean that I would
have-
Is it that dusty back home?
This would mean I would have-
In the Philippines?
Yeah, is it dusty in the Philippines?
It's bad.
I would have every hole in my face covered if I have this.
Correct.
Because I'd cover my eyes.
Yeah.
My ears.
Yeah.
And now my nose.
I think that's-
Oh, I have one more hole.
I have one more hole.
My mouth.
Well, yeah, but we're going to put a sleep apnea machine in your mouth at night.
Yeah.
We're going to put a sleep apnea machine in your mouth.
You could put the dick in your butt.
So what is this?
You can still put the dick in your butt.
Go ahead and put it up your schnoz and see how it works.
Now breathe into the mic.
Let's hear it.
Hello?
No, no.
Breathe with your nose.
How much smoother does that sound?
Dude, this is going to change your life.
No, but why?
I don't-
I don't-
Well, first of all, I don't hear a difference.
There's a huge difference.
I'm fine with my nasal passageways.
But you don't know what's really going on, Bob.
Of course I do.
I'm the one that's living in it.
You barely know what's going on with your body.
I know exactly what's going on with my body.
You really do?
It's a good machine.
It's a bad machine.
It's a broken machine.
It's an old Xerox machine.
We need to fix it.
Yeah, but it's not-
I'm not going to die.
I don't know.
Am I going to die?
At some point-
People are fucking emailing us that I'm going to die.
People are saying they're concerned about your sleep habits because it's really
dangerous.
How?
People die so much younger when they have sleep apnea, when they can't get good
sleep, when
they stay up too late and their body isn't on a good time schedule.
This is how people die young.
Okay, I'll keep it in there.
It sounds good.
It does?
Honestly, it sounds like you're getting full filtered air in there.
You feel that?
It's smooth, right?
I literally am dizzy.
Because you're getting so much oxygen.
No, no, no.
I'm about to faint.
Don't faint.
Okay.
Should I keep it in?
I think you should take it out.
No, I'm going to keep it in.
Keep it in.
I'll keep it in.
Look, it's going to help you tremendously.
Okay.
Who are these doctors?
People from the internet.
Yeah, internet doctors?
Internet doctors.
So what are they saying?
They're saying that when they're listening to the fucking podcast, they can
hear me breathe?
Yeah, they can hear you breathe through your schnoz.
And it sounds like you're not getting enough oxygen.
You don't know your body.
What kind of body fat percentage do you have, do you think?
4.5 over the redux of my body fat.
Really?
Yeah.
I'm going to get a body fat at measuring machine and I guarantee you're like 20
or 30.
You're almost 30% body fat.
No, pie over fucking grams.
Put your arm out to the side.
Put your arm straight out.
Right here, man.
All right, jiggle it.
Like this.
Do it like that.
Look at that.
Fuck you.
There's nothing here.
There's no muscle.
There's no muscle, but there's no fat.
Yeah, there is.
Look on the underside.
Look at all that fat wiggling down there.
It's skin.
Nah, that's not skin.
I come from a big skin family.
You guys have a lot of skin?
We have a longer skin and we have more skin genetically from my family.
Okay.
Yeah, but there's no fat.
No fat.
No fat.
There's fat in my stomach.
But anywhere else it doesn't exist.
Okay.
Well, I hope this works.
At least this, I think, is a good start.
I'll try tonight, though.
I think you should, honestly.
So what is this going to do?
It's going to open up your nasal passages, right?
It's going to get more airflow.
That's why you feel like fainting because you're actually probably getting a
lot of oxygen in your blood.
I'm a little high right now.
It's cool.
That's cool.
Yeah, you do get a little stone from air.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Have you ever had an oxygen machine?
Have you 