Name: BEST OF 2020! | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee
Uploaded: 2021-01-04T17:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BEST OF 2020! | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'BEST OF 2020! | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-04. Transcript available.

BEST OF 2020! | Bad Friends with Andrew Santino & Bobby Lee

- You're cutting that part out!
- No, fuck you!
- You're cutting that part out!
- Fuck you!
- I'm Bobby Lee.
No, Lemonhead.
- Hey, this is you.
Hey, I'm Andrew Centino.
- Your house looks like a fucking anthropology store.
- It's light and nice!
- It's fucking bullshit.
And I have to sit there and go-
- You live in a bugger cave!
Fucking piece of shit.
Don't talk shit about my mom.
- The hovel is what I like to call her.
- So you're saying because we're real friends,
you don't care about me.
- White piece of shit.
You look down on other-
- This is my holiday!
- You look down on other people's culture, dude.
- You're so annoying.
- You know what rat leather is?
- Rat leather?
- Yes.
- Is it what your mom uses to make your clothes
when you were a kid?
- No, rat leather is similar to the stankiness
of your mom's vagina.
- Okay.
- I mean, you started with my mom!
- It's a professional workspace, dude.
We can get sued!
- Why'd you get fucking angry for no reason?
I'm asking a question!
- Don't point it at me!
Don't fuck around!
Don't point it at me!
- You put it on and give me the same thing!
- No, no, no, no.
- Give it to me!
- Fuck!
- Yeah, and keep it in.
Don't even edit it out.
That's what you are.
That's what you are.
Cut that.
- You two are bad friends.
- Who are these two idiots?
- A white dude and an Asian dude.
- You two are disgusting.
- Oh, you two are something.
- We're bad friends.
- Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, welcome.
Welcome to another episode of Bad Friends, everybody.
Yesterday was, yesterday was, yesterday was, yesterday was Father's Day and oh
boy, I miss my dad and the thing is I wanted to write a Father's Day song and I
told you I was going to do that too.
- Yeah, you promised me and I thought you weren't going to do it.
I'm being serious.
- And I forgot about it and then we were sitting here outside waiting for you
because you were late.
- I wasn't late.
I was getting you sugar-free Red Bull.
Rudy, was I getting sugar-free Red Bull?
- Yeah.
- See?
- Okay, but was, were we here, were we here before I called them?
- Dude, you called me.
- It doesn't matter.
- No, no, you called me and said-
- All right, let's, can we do the Father's Day?
What's you angry about?
- You always do this to me.
You trample on me.
- Trample, trample.
- You're trampled.
You trample on me.
- You trample trample.
That's you, trample trample.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Go ahead, Trampley.
- So, you know, while we were waiting for you, 'cause we were early.
- 'Cause I got sugar-free Red Bull, you go.
- Yeah, and I wrote a song real quick, 'cause I write a lot of music on my
garage band,
so I just came up with it.
I have an old, older, like weird song.
You know what I mean?
So I wrote a song for my dad.
- Okay, let's hear it.
Daddy, I love you Daddy, why you die Happy Father's Day, Daddy Daddy, I can fly
Daddy,
I miss you Why are you dead?
- Why did you die?
- Daddy, I need you I need you so badly Laying in your bed
- Laying in your bed I'm sorry I took photos of you while you were dead
And sent it to the Hudson's what was in my head You were dead and I whipped out
my phone
I can't fucking believe I did that shit I'm all alone Miss you Daddy, I love
you
- Okay, there we go.
That's a song.
Very good.
- Very good.
And I have another thing that I do that I don't really talk about but if I'm on
an elevator
and anyone over the age of 60 walks onto the elevator, I'll get-
- You hold your breath?
- No, I'll get off the elevator.
- Period, anytime?
- Every time.
- Why?
- Because, especially if I'm alone in the elevator, because if this person dies,
I'll probably
just leave.
- Yeah.
- You know what I mean?
Because I don't know how to call and I don't know who to call, I don't know
what papers
to sign, I don't know who to interview with.
I got shit to do.
- You don't have to do almost any of that.
- If you died in an elevator and you're just by yourself, you can't just leave?
- You would just go, somebody died in there and then they show up and then the
paramedics
help them and then you leave.
- Okay, so let's get this, let's play this out.
- Okay.
- All right.
I'm in an elevator.
- Yeah.
- The old man walks in and then he goes, hello young man, I was in the Korean
War.
- Because old people always say something like that.
Or they'll say, you know, I love that Chinese restaurant down the street.
- And I'll be like, okay, cool.
- Oh, my, my heart.
- Dead, right?
- Elevator opens, I call.
- Beep, beep, beep, beep.
- Hi, um, is this, is this the hospital?
I don't know who to call.
Is this hospital?
Well, you gotta call 911.
Oh, fuck.
911.
911.
Yes.
Um, an old man died.
What's the address?
I don't know.
I'll be right back.
And I gotta run outside.
I gotta look at the address.
It's 55443.
What street?
Sir, what street are we on?
They're at Tamberlin.
Tamberlin.
What state?
California.
It's California.
Oh, fuck California.
Tamberlin 995543.
California, Tamberlin.
Okay, well then, um, the ambulance will be there as soon as possible.
Can I leave?
No.
You have to go back in with the man.
Go in right now.
Oh, fuck.
And so I run back in.
Oh, fuck.
I gotta do something.
I gotta put my mouth in his mouth.
I blow.
It goes up.
That fucking chest.
His bowels just lost.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, yeah.
I leave the elevator.
I'm leaving the elevator to go back outside.
I'll probably have a cigarette.
Yeah.
Oh, man.
Oh, man.
Go in right now.
Oh, fuck.
So I run back in.
Oh, fuck.
I gotta do something.
I gotta put my mouth in his mouth.
Oh, fuck.
I blow.
That fucking chest.
His bowels just lost.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Then I leave the elevator.
I'm leaving the elevator to go back outside.
I'll probably have a cigarette.
Yeah.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, yeah.
Then I leave the elevator.
I'm leaving the elevator to go back outside.
Yeah.
Not by this time, though.
Woo.
Woo.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sir?
Yeah, yeah.
Were you the man that called the police?
I am the one.
I'm the one.
Okay, what happened to the man?
Where is he?
He's in the elevator.
All right, come with us right now.
Come with us right now.
Come with us right now.
Get with me right now.
Come on.
Let's go inside.
Oh, shit.
Is that him right there?
Of course.
No, there's another dead guy around the block.
Sir, I don't need your attitude.
I'm just trying to find out how this man died and when he died.
Did you make him shit or poop?
Yes, I don't know what to do, so I just punched his chest.
So you caused this man to throw up and have diarrhea inside of this elevator?
Well, because I put my mouth on his mouth and I blew it.
Turn around, sir.
You're under arrest.
Turn around.
You're under arrest.
What the fuck?
I have an audition.
That's it.
That's it.
That's what happens.
That's why I don't want to be in the elevator.
That makes perfect sense.
If there was an animal you had to have sex with, though.
Forced?
Yeah.
Probably sheep.
I'm from Ireland.
I think they do that shit all the time.
Yeah, yeah.
Sheep.
I think because it's soft.
Yeah.
And they're...
Don't laugh at me.
Yeah.
They're soft.
Yeah.
And even if they get upset, they're just like...
So it's not that bad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
For me, it would be panda.
Oh.
Because they're so cute.
Well, I didn't even think that's through.
And you could...
Here's the thing.
If I was having sex with an animal, I wouldn't want them to think, "Hey.
Hey there."
Yeah.
Right?
"Somebody fucking me."
Right?
I wouldn't want them to think that.
You just want it to be a thing that...
No, I don't want them to go, "Hey there."
Well, then if you fucked a big animal, then they wouldn't...
But what I would do with a panda is you give them grade A bamboo.
Oh, like high end.
They love to chew that shit.
Why goo bamboo?
Right?
So I'd be like, "Here's bamboo."
They'd be like, "Hey there."
Mm-hmm.
And then I would...
You know what I mean?
And they'd be just so focused on...
But don't they get so fucked up from the eucalyptus?
Is that...
Eucalyptus is...
Is that pandas?
No, man.
Who eats eucalyptus?
Sloths.
Sloths.
And they black out, right?
They just pass out.
They black out, yeah.
Yeah, they get really fucking high.
Because sloths, they go, "Well, sloths live in trees.
How can you get them?"
Because I thought about this, right?
Yeah.
Honestly, I don't know why I thought about this, but...
Yeah.
In Papua New Guinea, there's a lot of sloths, right?
I didn't know that.
There is, right?
Yeah.
So what they do is they would go to Papua New Guinea, right?
And sloths, you don't know, I Googled this.
I don't know why.
I don't know why I researched this.
But sloths, they come to the ground while they take a shit or they go to the
bathroom.
I've seen this.
Right.
I've seen this in Costa Rica.
They come to the ground.
Right.
Imagine a bunch of sloths in the tree, right?
"Where you going, Johnny?"
And sloths like, "I gotta take a shit."
"I gotta take a shit."
"I'll be right back."
And as soon as he lands,
"Get him!"
50 dudes come out.
They form a train.
Yeah.
Right?
And then he's trying to run away, right?
And he's like...
And his buddies are going, "Run, Frankie!"
And Frankie's like, "I'm trying to run."
Right?
And he gets on the tree, right?
He's already been raped 40, 50 times, right?
And people are like jumping up and tagging him.
Right?
And just ripping him right from the tree.
Well, as he goes up, the taller guys get to go.
Yeah, the taller guys, right?
I mean, that would be a nightmare.
They'd be extinct.
Play this for you because this is from my family to yours.
This is Happy Birthday in Korean.
Let's all sing along for Bobby.
Let's do it.
Happy Birthday to you.
You're welcome, dude.
That was so nice.
They don't do shit like that for you in North Korea.
No, they don't.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay.
Can I say this?
Yeah, say it.
Yes.
Yes.
All right.
Have you ever met anyone from North Korea?
Yes.
Yes.
No, you haven't.
Yes.
Yes.
It's like an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've read them all in the books in the fairy tales.
You could play with them in video games maybe, but you've never met one.
Your energy needs to change.
You get it going.
Go get your coke.
I'm not going to get it.
It's like an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You've never met an Eskimo.
You can play with them in video games maybe, but you've never met one.
Your energy needs to change.
You get it going.
Go get your coke.
I'm...
I'm...
Go get your Diet Coke.
Your energy needs to change.
Your energy needs to change.
What?
I came in here.
You were all fucking...
No hellos.
Nothing.
I said hello!
No, you were like in your own world or whatever.
I'm fucking working on the show that you're on with me.
I thought we're hooking up the computer and we're getting stuff done.
Get your thing.
Get your thing.
It's gonna be a good one.
I'm taking your fucking...
I'm taking your fucking butt.
Don't!
Get this fucking thing, man.
No, don't.
Seriously.
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Back up then, back up then.
That's dangerous.
I'm serious.
Back up then.
Back up then.
Put it on the safety.
What?
Don't, don't, don't, don't.
Don't point it.
Don't point it.
Don't point it.
I want this.
Put it down.
I'm gonna shoot you with this.
Put it down.
Put the safety on.
Back up.
Put the safety on.
Back up, dude.
I swear to God.
That's not even on safety.
You can fucking hurt someone real bad.
Don't shoot him.
Back up then.
I will not shoot it if you come, if, I have a boundary.
Do not cross the boundary.
Put it on the desk.
I will shoot you with it if you don't fucking sit down.
Put it on the desk.
Put it away from you.
Put it away from you.
Put it away from me.
No, no, no.
Pu