Name: Andrew Has Heat! | Ep 49 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-01-25T17:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Has Heat! | Ep 49 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Andrew Has Heat! | Ep 49 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-25. Transcript available.

Andrew Has Heat! | Ep 49 | Bad Friends

- Hee, hee, hee, oh, hee.
- Horse.
- Wait, wait.
- Horse.
- Wait, I don't know how to make this sound.
- What is it?
- Go, go.
- Do it again.
- Put the cards down.
- Put the card down and just do it.
- Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee.
- I know what it is.
- A hyena?
- Yeah, yeah.
- A hyena.
- Hyena?
- I got it.
- That was really good.
- You two are bad friends.
- Who are these two idiots?
- A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
- You two are something.
- We're bad friends.
- To go from Hawaii to this dreary, dystopian nightmare, bro.
- Yeah.
- It's so good.
- You know when you're flying into LA, at night especially,
and you see just the vastness of sadness.
- Yeah, how big it is.
- How big and sad it is.
- Yeah, it's deep.
- You hear that music.
Dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun, dun.
Like the, yeah.
You go in and then it's like,
you see little Sith Lords like Jules.
She don't even say hi to you when you walk in the house.
- I lost my voice.
I don't know how I lost, honestly, I lost my voice.
I literally woke up.
- Yeah.
- And I was trying to yell at my wife.
- As I do.
- Yeah.
- And I just couldn't, I couldn't do it.
Does it sound like it hurts?
- Are you sick?
- Yeah.
- No, I'm fine, no, I just, it's like gone.
- Yeah.
- I don't know what it's from.
- Dude, right now I just realized,
your eyebrows are cartoony, bro.
- They're big again.
- What happened?
Trim those down, bro.
- No, I leave them this way because of you.
- Oh, really?
- Yeah, I want this to--
- Holy shit.
- It looks good, right?
- It looks like a very cartoony.
Yeah, yeah, don't do that.
- Dude, honestly, I lost my voice.
I think from, I do this charity every single weekend
where I go and I feed the homeless.
It's called feed and fuck and I feed and fuck the homeless.
And I don't know, maybe it was too many fucks.
- I fed a bunch too.
- He hasn't done any of that.
- No.
- You know that, Jules, right?
There's not, his heart is a black stone.
- Hey guys, to start--
- Oh my God.
- Hold on, can I do a real, can we do a real?
- Can we start from the real?
- Let's start from the beginning.
- We don't have him, we haven't even started
and we have him interrupting.
Hey buddies, let's go, I have a bid.
I wrote something last night with my wife.
Let's do a questionnaire.
I have a bunch of questions about, you know?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, about the music.
- Yeah, 1970s music, here we go, you know?
Creedence, Coldwater, what is it?
Revival, very good, one point for Andrew, right?
George, Ringo, John, who's the one?
Paul, okay, one for Bobby.
And then we go on and on and he thinks he's being clever.
- He is clever though.
- He is very clever.
- He's a clever little fan.
- I'm just saying that you can't open up, bro,
with a fucking bit that you wrote already.
- He wants to though.
What were you gonna say, fancy?
- It wasn't a bit, for me, it was a cold open.
- Oh, see, he wrote a cold open.
- That's good though.
- Like we're the fucking tonight show.
- Well, let's hear the cold open.
- Yeah, let's hear the cold open, you fuck.
- Well, you guys have some cards in front of you.
- Oh, see, we're not doing a bit.
No, I'm not doing it, I refuse it.
We're in control of the show, right?
We will do the fucking bit later.
How about we do a cold closer with that?
- Sounds great.
- Okay, good.
- Jules, look right into your camera.
Jules has a new camera.
It's high def.
So, 'cause people complained the old camera was terrible.
- Yeah.
- So look into the camera,
and I want you to do a traditional opening for Bad Friends.
Say, welcome to Bad Friends.
You know, give us like a run, give the fans a rundown
of what's gonna happen on this episode today.
Go ahead into your camera.
- Go ahead.
- Hi guys, welcome to Bad Friends.
And today, we're going to play some cards.
- You're fired.
- Yeah, we're not playing cards.
- We're not playing cards.
- Start from the beginning.
- What are we?
- You have to guess what's gonna go on today.
So just-- - How about this?
Not just one thing, you gotta name four things.
- Four things that's gonna happen.
- You're gonna make them up, right?
Go ahead, and action.
- Hi guys, this is Rudy,
and welcome to Bad Friends.
Today, we're going to play
name Tito Bobby's least favorite animal.
- Good.
- Okay. - Very good.
- That's a game.
- We're going to eat another balut.
- Okay, interesting.
And then we're going to sing a song.
- I like songs.
- And lastly, we're going to pray to God.
- Wow. - Wow.
- What a show.
- Can we pray to God first?
- Yeah, let's open with pray to God.
- Why don't you open with a prayer, Jewel?
- Yeah, yeah, open with a prayer.
- Open with a prayer.
- Here we go. - Go ahead.
- Let's go.
- Good opening.
- That's a good start.
- Yeah.
- Thank you for this wonderful day.
- Okay.
- I'm thankful that Tito Bobby arrived safely from Hawaii.
- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm glad we have two other dogs in the house.
- Oh God.
- It's fucking...
It's...
- I know.
- And you don't know.
You have no fucking idea.
- Well, I can feel it.
I can feel it.
- You have no fucking idea, bro.
- Okay, go ahead.
- I'm glad to see Tito Andrew, George, and Andreas.
And that's it.
- In that order?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Are you going to close it out?
How do you close a prayer?
- Yeah, you got to close it out somehow.
- Amen.
There we go.
- Or a woman.
We don't discriminate here at Bad Friends.
- Yeah.
- Bob, welcome back from Hawaii.
- I come back.
So I called last night, right?
- Yeah.
- I'm like, I fucking landed.
I didn't eat all day.
I landed, you know,
try to social distance in the fucking airport.
It's a whole thing.
You get it.
- Yeah, I get it.
- The guy, the fucking Puerto Rican man
picks me up at the airport.
I don't care.
Let's go.
- Yeah.
- We get in the car and I call, you know,
Kalei last night, I'm in the car.
- Yeah.
- I'm going to be there in about 30 minutes.
Okay.
Just mind the two other dogs.
I go, what, what?
Yeah.
We got two dogs.
Mind, you know, just they're downstairs.
- Two new dogs.
- I go, what are, what?
A pit bull.
We have a new pit bull and a little,
a little black one.
- Chihuahua.
- Whatever that is.
It's this side of the pit bull.
The pit bull is the biggest dog
I've ever seen in my life, right?
It's got the head of fucking Joey Diaz.
It's huge, right?
And then the little one is like this.
It's like a Kevin Hart.
- Yeah.
- I call them little Kevin Hart.
So you get a little Kevin Hart, right?
And this gigantic rock, right?
- Right.
- I come in, they're just yapping, right?
Running around.
They're not even puppies.
They're full grown adult dogs.
- Yeah.
- And who are they?
Whose dogs are they?
A homeless woman.
- What?
- A homeless woman.
She, yeah, she's sick.
- So what is that?
It's our job now is to fucking take in all dogs
that are fucking homeless.
- Yeah.
How did you get these dogs, Jules?
- A friend of Attika Lila texted her.
- A homeless friend?
- No.
Her friend was helping the homeless situation.
- Yeah.
Okay.
- That's why I don't pick up the phone.
- Yeah, you got it.
Yeah, you don't.
- You don't pick up the phone.
- No, you don't.
- It could be anything.
It could be like,
"Hey, you know, I have three kids.
one of them's you know blind and you know his heart is on his shoulder yeah he
has a thing you
know i mean can you take care i don't pick anything can happen no yeah i can't
i'm so i don't pick up
the phone you up by picking up the phone and now how long don't look at me like
that one young lady
now also how long are we gonna have these dogs for maybe two weeks yeah you
fucking cocksuckers hey hey hey hey hey you're not gonna do anything oh hey hey
hey hey how do you
think you got inside of that house okay yeah cool it out i'm not gonna do
anything we're gonna take
care of them not you because that's what i said you said i'm not doing this no
i just said oh i'm
not doing anything i don't want to do anything they were like there was a piece
of poo i saw earlier
today leave it i acted as if it was like i had seen it before yeah i mean like
it was a part of
like a cup holder or something you know what you should do you should you
should put like um a
little something in the poo to let them know that you saw it yeah a little flag
a little memento a
little tiny yeah yeah a little filipino flag yeah little confederate flag right
just to know right
yeah yeah it's been seized it's been seized and it's yours to and it's yours to
pick up right what
are the dogs names do we name the dogs the pit bull is bebe that's what home
you know homeless
people yeah yeah and the chihuahua is lady homeless she probably want to say
baby baby but it comes up
baby baby what's the other one's called lady and they rhyme because he can't
say that many words lady
baby yeah baby the laziest name baby lady yeah exactly you don't even know
which one they're calling i know
you ever like run into a homeless person and they they start talking gibberish
but then you agree with
them all the time hey man the toka and he's eating and he doesn't know why and
you're like i agree
he doesn't know why yeah i'm always and the toka the toka needs to go back to
the house and
they go oh yeah right and then you're like you're in this conversation with a
homeless person yeah dude
i was in hawaii bro and bro so i'm walking it's a you know i had eight days off
yeah in the middle there
yeah you know and they're like you know you have eight days off no one's really
walking around
there's nothing to do yeah what about the beach you can't go to the beach no
because where they
have us they have us at the docks oh there's no beach there it's like boats
right right right
right it's beautiful no it's still pretty boats yeah you like a big boat guy i'm
not a big boat guy
but you don't like boats at all but visually they're not it's not like seeing
like you know
industrial pipes at least it's not trash yeah yeah so i i go you know what
today i can't just sit here
all day i'm gonna go for a little walk you know get some nature in yeah soak in
the sun get your
steps and get the vitamins i got that you know how in the energy yeah yeah
energy well vitamin d vitamin
energy very helpful so anyway i put on my fucking you know oh i have these um i
went you know i've been
going clothes shopping online yeah i've been buying these um you know those
tights what do you mean like
lululemon yeah yeah but i'm getting different brands i'm good i got um tights
from nike fila and
i also got that takes tights from um super dry yeah it's really super you know
the super super tight
yeah the super tight ones right yeah and um i didn't you know how joe koi will
wear shorts
over it yeah i don't do that you don't you like a full-blown time okay so they
see it so they see
everything so they see the knuckle sticking right out okay yeah and wear a
tight shirt right and that's
oh for some reason i always wear a beanie that's my thing because i'm wearing a
mask so i want some
people maybe to recognize me i was just gonna say you want to make sure people
know who you are right
with the glasses and so i sometimes i'll get it you know people drive by what's
up my friends right
i'm like what's up yeah you recognize me maybe i'll do that whole thing right
so then um i'm walking
around and this homeless guy rides a bike toward me he goes hey man be happy be
free take off your mask
and he rides by right and i like all of a sudden i was just like you know
because i wanted to say
something yeah i couldn't get it out he was on his bike and i was trying to get
it out but he was still
he was cruising so and i turned around as soon he was gone right so i couldn't
even say what i want
to say what did you want to say i was gonna lie you know i always lied my
friend randy smith died
from it he was 26 and he was healthy like full-blown lie right you know he was
a triathlete to the
quad athlete and he's a fucking he he's he's a cruncher man and he's a champion
and he was healthy he had
no primordial abilities right right right and he died from it just to lie right