Name: High Brow Friends | Ep 51 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-02-08T17:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'High Brow Friends | Ep 51 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'High Brow Friends | Ep 51 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-02-08. Transcript available.

High Brow Friends | Ep 51 | Bad Friends

Can you hear me?
I mean, kind of.
But not really.
We can hear the fans more than anything else.
Oh.
But it looks good.
Does it really?
Doesn't it look good, Jules?
Yeah, it looks good.
All right, we can't hear you.
I can't hear you now with that on.
I can't hear you at all.
But you look good.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
Well, you two are something.
We're bad friends.
Why are you in a bad mood, Jules?
She's not in a bad mood.
She just...
Let her say it.
No, let me.
Why?
Because she's going to deny it.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm her attorney.
Oh, sorry.
I'm representing her.
Oh, you do?
Okay.
Yeah, so my client here, hearsay.
This is a hearsay.
Mm-hmm.
From different sources, right?
I heard that she had her very first panic attack today.
Did you really?
Yeah.
Yeah.
She didn't know what it was.
Welcome.
I know, welcome to the club, man.
I've had so many of them.
Thousands.
Seriously.
I'm having one right now.
Wait, will you seriously explain your experience?
Um, I was doing homework.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then my hands started to feel numb and shaky.
Yep, that's a stroke.
That's not a panic attack.
She's like, "And my face fell asleep and my eyeball droop."
Yeah.
What is it?
What else happened?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then I started to breathe heavily.
Like I couldn't breathe.
Oh.
Like you were...
Yeah.
Yeah.
Did it feel like your heart was skipping a beat or no?
Was your heart pounding heavy?
Like you could feel it out of your chest.
Pounding heavy.
Right, correct.
Another symptom.
These are all dire symptoms.
Do you know what you were thinking about at the time when it happened?
Yeah.
What was it?
Secret.
Oh.
Oh.
And now we're gonna have to get that secret out of you.
Yeah.
What's the secret?
What's the secret?
Welcome back to What's That Secret?
There's an old saying, "You're as sick as your secrets."
That's exactly right.
Right.
So what's your secret?
So secrets make you sick.
Secret secrets hurt someone.
What is it?
Secret secrets are no fun.
Secret secrets...
Secret secrets hurt someone dumb dumb to you if you have it.
If you have it.
If you have it.
Every secret has a unique weight to it.
And you can only carry them for so long.
What is your secret?
That's what it is.
It's a secret.
Okay, it's a secret.
And what is it?
Not for long.
This is where you make it up.
Okay.
If you don't want us to know the secret.
We've been doing this show for 51 weeks.
Yeah.
Make it up!
Okay!
Yeah, yeah.
My laptop broke.
Oh.
And I'm having withdrawals.
From what?
You're having withdrawals?
Yeah, yeah.
She's having withdrawals from what?
Valorant.
Valorant.
Valorant.
Yeah, yeah.
It's sad.
What's the real secret though?
Yeah.
That's it!
Lies.
That's it!
Yeah.
What a bad...
Also, by the way, to make you feel comfortable, I'm genuine.
I had panic attacks for years.
And I had them in college.
I've told this story before, but this isn't fun.
I was working at a restaurant, and I was serving, and I was tired and dehydrated,
and I hadn't eaten all day.
And I felt really hazy and woozy, and I didn't feel one.
I was like, "Oh man, I just haven't eaten, that's why."
Yeah.
I had worked myself.
I was working crazy hours.
I wasn't sleeping.
And I get these things called ocular migraines.
Do you know what that is?
No.
I go blind in one eye.
Like my vision goes away.
So I started to get an ocular migraine, and I had all those symptoms.
I never had had a panic attack before, and I had such a bad fucking panic
attack.
I went outside behind the restaurant, and I laid down on the rocks.
Yep.
Like I was gonna die.
Yeah.
Another time what he did was he...
Here it is.
What?
No, no.
Go ahead.
Remember when you went to the bathroom and went...
You stood up and went...
And you hit your head against the fucking...
It wasn't a panic attack.
What was that?
It was alcohol, lack of sleep, and lack of food.
Okay.
Whatever that is, he does that too.
And vertigo.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That was silly.
You hit my face on a sink counter.
Ooh.
Am I the only one that's ever hit their head on a sink counter?
I did this movie called Heartbreakers, and it was a really bad movie, and great
director.
And I remember...
I like it.
And Sticky Fingers.
Is that a rapper?
Yeah, Sticky Fingers.
Fingers was in it.
Sticky Fingers, yeah.
He was in the scene.
He's the chess player.
Right, the chess player, right?
Yeah.
Did I tell you the story about how I had a monologue?
No.
I mean, I know you guys played chess together.
We did play chess, so I had a monologue with him, right?
Yeah.
And I go...
The camera's set up, right?
Yeah.
It's a...
It's a single from my waist up.
Sure.
And they go...
And also, I remember them...
They're running out of time.
Like they have to rap that night?
We gotta go!
We gotta go.
Right?
And I have this one-page thing.
Two words again to it.
The...
The hemisphere...
Whatever the line is.
The hemisphere.
The hemisphere is...
And I stop.
And I have a fucking panic attack.
Full on.
Full on.
I can't talk.
Trembling, sweating.
Right?
Cut, cut, cut, right?
And you know, people come.
You all right?
'Cause you know, we gotta go.
You all right?
'Cause let's fucking go.
We got to go.
We gotta go.
Which only like, puts fucking fuel on the fire.
Of course.
Right.
Then it's way worse.
Yeah, so now I'm trembling.
Like imagine if someone walked in the room when you're having a panic attack
and I was like,
"What's wrong?"
And you're like...
Yeah, yeah.
And I remember, um...
They just moved on.
'Cause you can't get the scene.
Couldn't get it out.
Oh, Bob.
Yeah, yeah.
But look, it happens to everybody.
That's why when you call the casting director, when I fail sometimes...
You didn't have a panic attack.
Okay.
You didn't have a panic attack.
And you call me out in that way.
Another thing you call me...
How is that calling you out?
Another thing you've been doing lately, which I don't like...
What?
Let me just get this out of the way.
I love you so much.
Okay.
I love you too.
Is you calling me...
Oh, look at this weird, crazy spider on my microphone.
Yeah, you deserve it.
George!
You deserve it.
Look at that.
Here's another thing that you've been doing...
Oh, he's repelling.
This week...
Yeah.
That's been driving me cray cray.
What is it?
Just flick it.
I wanna save his life though.
I'll put him in a bag.
See what happens?
My therapist told me this is gonna happen.
I have a resentment.
We'll save you for later.
I have a resentment.
You know what I mean?
I have the...
I'm...
No, it's fine.
I'm brave enough.
I'm...
Brave enough to bring up and then there's a spider...
So a lot's been going on in the news and in the social cycle.
And you know...
What did I do?
I called you this week to talk to you about a few different things.
A couple times.
No.
You've been calling me...
This is the first...
This is what you've been doing.
Mm-hmm.
Did you get it?
Right?
I did.
No.
Twice you did it.
But you still don't know.
I do know.
Cause you got it.
No.
You got it.
I didn't.
You got it.
No, I didn't.
You didn't get it.
No.
They gave it to...
I don't know.
They don't tell you that on the phone.
You can ask your agent.
Yeah, but I didn't even ask.
They go, "You didn't get it."
Ugh.
I don't know if I got it or not.
You got it.
No.
I got a call saying, "They love me."
They love you.
Right?
And they liked my audition.
Told you.
Right?
See?
And they're...
She's not even listening.
That's what she's been doing lately.
Who are you...
Is it a boy?
She's not even here.
Are you here?
No.
No, because I'm reading my school's emails.
Oh, bullshit.
Oh, bullshit.
Bullshit.
Bullshit.
You little fucking idiot.
Fucking liar.
It's true.
Read it out loud.
What does it say?
It is true because in the car ride over...
She was reading emails.
No, she goes like this.
16th, February 22.
She kept saying that.
16th, February 22.
I go, "What are you fucking saying right now?"
What is it?
And she's like, "I have to go back to school."
16th or February 22.
February 22nd, you need to go back.
Yeah.
Is that what the email's about?
Yeah.
Yeah.
But since you know the information,
can you let it go and be in the present moment
and do the fucking podcast?
Okay.
You're skating on thin ice now.
Oh, man.
You're irritating the fuck.
It's just ice.
Irritating the fuck out of me right now.
And you know what?
We should make you tell the secret.
That's what we should make you do
because of what you're up to.
But let me say something to you, Andrew.
But we won't.
I was hoping, right?
Yeah.
That I wasn't gonna get it.
Just...
That I can give you shit about it.
I know, but that's the best part
because you're gonna get it
and then I can give you shit about it.
Yeah.
But here's the deal.
Here's the stipulation.
What?
If you get it,
I have to fly over there with you.
It's in Budapest, yeah.
Is that where Hungary is?
Is Hungary in Budapest?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
Is that Hungary the capital?
Hungary is the city.
Yeah.
Budapest is the state.
I know that.
The country.
No.
Budapest is the state.
Oh, and it's within Turkey.
Turkey's the citizen.
Yeah, the citizenship.
The citizenship.
Lithuania.
And Greeks are dirty,
shellfish-eating people.
They are.
Yeah.
They're gross.
They're dirty, hairy.
They're dirty, hairy people.
Pieces of shit.
I know that fucking Hungary
is a fucking country.
Yeah.
Alright, so don't be dumb dumb.
Budapest.
Budapest.
You'll fly over there with me?
I want to so bad.
I know, but when I go to Hawaii,
you never show up.
First of all,
first of all, I asked you.
Yeah?
Hey, wouldn't it be cool
if I came to Hawaii
and we did like a little Bad Friends of Hawaii?
Yeah.
You know what you texted back?
What?
No.
I want you to fight for it.
Oh, you want?
I want you to fight for Hawaii, dude.
You don't want this love to be that easy.
Yeah.
I want you to go,
"Come on, man."
You know what?
I should just show up.
Yeah.
I mean, given this-
Dude, when I was in Hawaii,
I had eight days off.
And you did nothing.
Well, I did stuff.
I walked around-
But Kalilah wasn't there.
You were there alone.
Yeah.
I would wake up and I go-
Why doesn't she go with you?
Because we have so many-
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Why do you have-
Yeah, you were.
I'm checking the time.
The time that we're at now?
Yeah.
We just started.
Wow.
I just wanted to check-
Oh, you did it again?
No.
I just checked the time.
Wow.
Oh, wow.
You know what?
If you don't want to be here-
Yeah, yeah.
If you don't-
How about this?
If you don't want to be here,
too bad, because you have to.
You have to be here.
Okay.
You're gone.
We haven't even thought about-
Here's what we haven't even thought about.
Yeah.
She's getting accepted to colleges now.
Oh, no.
I know.
So-
When do you go to college?
September.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, so now-
What college?
I don't know yet.
But you got accepted to one?
Yeah.
What did you get accepted to, Rude?
DeVry.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
University of Phoenix online?
Cal State-
Northridge?
No, Fullerton.
Okay.
Is that close?
That's close.
It's in Southern California.
That's Anaheim.
Fullerton's not far.
She could still drive to come to the podcast.
She has to.
If you go to Fullerton.
Yeah, you have to.
What's the other one?
We don't know yet.
It's the only one.
How many did you apply to?
Eight.
Eight of them.
Eight schools?
What's your dream school?
Long Beach.
Yeah, Long Beach.
Long Beach is a great school.
Shout out Snoop Dogg.
Yeah.
Wait, the Long Beach State.
Yeah.
Yeah, you know, the home of the-
What's their mascot?
You're not gonna get in if you don't know.
Home of the-
What if their administration's watching this right now?
Yeah, home of the-
We're really interested in this Rudy girl.
Rudy Jewells.
This is another time to improvise.
Blue whales.
Home of the blue whales.
No, the blue whales.
Home of the blue whales.
Exactly.
Long Beach State, California State, Long Beach, CSULB.
Home of the Dirtbags.
That's their baseball team.
Home of the Dirtbags.
That's real.
Yeah, that is real.
That is actually real.
Yeah.
And they have a big pyramid where their basketbal