Name: Is Bobby Bi? | Ep 54 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-03-01T17:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Is Bobby Bi? | Ep 54 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Is Bobby Bi? | Ep 54 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-01. Transcript available.

Is Bobby Bi? | Ep 54 | Bad Friends

Hey!
Guess what, man.
What's up, man?
I'm so excited.
Why?
My merch is out.
We got the new merch?
Click the thing here below.
Look below in the merch bar.
Click the thing below.
Or go to badfriendsmerch.com.
Or click the thing below.
Or click the thing below.
Do it.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Is your mood...
My mood is good.
Why were you late?
I wasn't late.
I had to finish something and I was like, "I'll never make it here."
Wait, did you have to finish golf?
No, I wasn't golfing today.
What was it?
It's Sunday, so what were you doing?
You really want to know?
Yeah.
I was going to get my father something.
It's his birthday.
You couldn't have done that previously?
I mean...
Don't talk to me about management of time.
Don't you dare talk to me about management of time.
I'm not even doing that.
I'm asking you though.
I went to get something custom made for my dad.
And it was...
A belt buckle?
It was on the west side.
Belt buckle?
Socks.
Custom dad socks.
Are you really...
No, be real.
I went to get my dad a gift.
What is it?
I'm not going to say it.
Okay.
He watches the show.
Congratulations and happy birthday, Mr. Santano.
Listen, I'm...
Disrespectful.
Oh, shit.
Congratulations, Mr. Santano.
Mr. Santano.
But my point...
Mr. Santano.
So that's why you were late?
That is...
You're on the west side getting socks made or whatever?
I was in Santa Monica.
That's a far way away from here.
Okay.
Okay?
Everybody knows we shoot this show in Santa Clarita.
It's far.
Yeah.
No, we do.
You know where to shoot this?
We shoot this in Valencia.
We are coming to you live from the inside of the Six Flags.
Bro.
Rudy Jules is here in a really bad mood.
I texted her.
I said, "Can we push a little bit today?"
She wouldn't respond.
I know.
I know.
And then she did this.
She gave me the middle finger emoji.
Yeah.
It's funny.
She said to me on the car ride over...
No, she did.
Look at her Starburst sweater.
You know what she said?
What?
It...
I almost crashed the car.
When she said it, I was like, "What?"
And we almost died.
What'd she say?
She goes, "Um..."
She calls me Tito Bobby.
I don't know if you know that.
She calls me Tito Andrew.
Yeah, yeah.
So she goes, "Tito Bobby."
I go, "Yeah."
She's out of nowhere.
She goes, "I think you're bisexual."
Really?
And I go...
Really?
Yeah, yeah.
And I go, "Why?"
I just think you do.
I think she's right.
You think that I'm bisexual?
I think so.
Why?
Because you've had experiences with men.
That doesn't make one bisexual to have experience.
You think I liked it?
Yeah.
You think guys that go to prison and they get raped or have prison sex, they
like it?
No, they're just lonely.
I think some of them...
What if you open up a can?
A few people might be like, "Yuck."
A few guys might go, "Hey, this is pretty good."
I had some fun in 12C.
I don't think I am, but why do you think so, Jules?
We were talking something before that.
About...
About...
We can't talk about...
Which we can't talk about?
Yeah.
So go ahead.
And then, I don't know, because like Tito Andrew said, past experience.
Yeah.
And then when we were driving...
Yeah.
Oh, yeah.
No, go tell them.
Tell them.
You saw a good looking guy.
Tell them.
Tell them what happened.
We saw a very hot guy.
Yeah.
And then I was just silent.
And then Tito Bobby was like, he screamed.
I what?
He screamed.
I didn't scream.
You did?
Scream.
Yeah.
Scream.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then you almost stopped the car.
No, no.
Fuck it.
This is ridiculous.
Who was the guy?
Was he a famous guy?
No.
Or just a hot guy?
Yeah.
This guy was jogging up.
Up.
You know what I mean?
So I'm passing him.
I see him right now in my head.
Shirt off?
Shirt off.
I love this guy.
It's Chris Hemsworth.
I know the guy.
Buff.
Olive skin.
Long hair.
Long hair.
Flowing in the wind.
Flowing in the wind.
Very handsome.
Did you see his pecage?
Did you see his acorn or what?
I didn't see his face.
You were just...
Yeah, not right now.
So he's jogging up and I kind of went, "Whoa."
Whoa.
You know what I mean?
How short are the shorts?
It's black.
Black shorts.
Pretty short.
Oof.
Nice thighs.
Oh, fuck.
So, you know, I go, "Whoa."
And then I look at Juliana and then we just both laughed.
We started laughing.
A couple gayly girls.
Yeah.
A couple of young girls.
I go, "Did you see that guy?"
He's like, "Yeah, I did.
But you saw him too."
Uh-huh.
And I go, "Yeah."
I was just going, "Whoa."
No, because it's...
When you see, you know...
I completely identify with this.
Thank you.
So when you see a guy...
Because I...
Obviously, I have eyes.
Yeah.
And I have a mirror.
Small ones, but they're there.
Rude.
But touche.
So I look in the mirror and I...
What I've been doing lately is really...
Because when you see yourself in the mirror...
Yeah.
You don't go, "Oh, that's me."
You just kind of...
It's just like something that's a reality and something that you see...
I hate looking in the mirror.
Yeah.
But what I've been doing lately is analyzing myself.
You're like your body.
Yeah.
I just kind of look to see what I did to it.
Ugh.
And what was given to me.
I caught a glimpse of myself in my side mirror on the way out of the bathroom
and I said,
"Look at that fucking creamsicle."
I looked...
Yeah, yeah.
I look like a big fat creamsicle right now.
Yeah.
So when you look at yourself, I'm kind of like going, "Oh, that's the reality
of my situation."
Right.
Right.
It's just like...
And don't you feel blessed?
Yellow...
Like a yellow dumpling.
Like a beautiful little dumpling.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And then...
And then you kind of look and you go, "You know what?
But what can I do?
There's nothing I can do."
Who cares?
Somebody wants to eat it.
But then when you see somebody, you know what I mean?
That's the exact opposite.
Yeah.
Who's hot?
A hot...
Sorry.
You're not hot.
I mean...
You're not hot.
Dude.
Fuck me.
I didn't say I'm hot.
No.
But you're definitely not hot.
But...
You're sexy, maybe.
But you're not hot.
I'm...
Because I'm gonna say...
You're so far away from hot.
Okay, but do you know that...
Like on the scale of hot.
Yeah.
You're not even close.
I know.
Because...
In a lineup, in a room full of criminals.
Oh, my God.
Of hot criminals.
You're not even...
Listen...
You're the first one.
You know how they go on a scale?
They go height by height.
You know how you go to a museum...
You're so unbelievably not hot.
When I go to a museum...
Yeah.
When I was a kid, right?
Yeah.
And I was...
I moved out of my parents' house.
And I would go to the...
In San Diego, the Balboa Museum of Arts.
Right.
Or whatever.
And...
I used to save up money because...
Yeah, I didn't have money back then.
Mm-hmm.
But I would go once a week.
Why would you go every week?
Because I really didn't have any friends.
And I just...
I was like one of those guys that played chess till three...
It was gross.
I would play chess till three in the morning at a coffee shop.
And like, I started reading like, you know...
Kafka.
Kierkegaard.
You know what I mean?
And like philosophical books.
Right?
You were...
This is like a foreign Asian guy.
You're from America.
This sounds like you're a...
An immigrant Asian.
Yeah.
And I would sit and I would look at the paintings.
Right?
And Renaissance paintings.
And you would see like how they used to draw women back then.
Thick.
Yeah, thick.
Lovely.
And like with the holes.
Right.
Not the vagina, but like cellulite almost sometimes.
Mm-hmm.
And the rolls and whatnot.
And that's what they viewed as beautiful.
So yeah, in our modern, current climate, I am not hot.
But back then...
I could have been.
You would have been a hot woman.
You would have been a hot, round woman.
Which...
Or a man.
Not a man.
No, because men had muscle and everything back then still.
No, really?
Yeah, back then men were still in good shape.
No, because I...
I'm going to defend myself.
Women...
I've seen statues.
Yeah.
You've seen the statue.
You go to a fountain.
Yeah.
A white people's fountain.
David.
David's jacked.
Yeah, and you see, you know what I mean?
A white man.
Right.
You're right.
He has either grapes.
Or...
And he's doing this.
Yeah, he's thinking.
Mm-hmm.
And he's just like pondering things.
Yeah, he's thinking a lot.
Right?
And then you look at the dick, and it's like, I kill it.
It's a small dick.
Yeah, it's a real small dick.
Well, we didn't start to get big dicks until the late 1800s.
Oh, really?
Hormones, milk, and all that stuff.
Really?
Yeah.
Interesting.
I mean, most people had small dicks.
Is that...
So everyone...
I'm serious.
Historically, most people had small dicks.
Are you making this up?
No, this is a fact.
All right, well, I'm learning to something new.
But think about it like this.
If you think Mike...
If you think David's...
Michelangelo's David, you think David had a small dick?
Mm-hmm.
In comparison to his body?
Yeah.
And the running joke about Asians having small...
Imagine how small Asians' penis were.
If that was regular for a white guy, what was regular for you folks?
Well, they would save a lot of fucking cement or whatever.
They would like, we have some dust left over.
There's his penis.
Or gum.
They took gum and just stuck it on there.
Yeah.
You're right, though.
You would have been...
But the reason that women were beautiful because they were thick was because
people could eat.
Eat meant you had money.
But this is an interesting thing to talk about.
Skinny meant you're poor.
Because it's like socially, right, and culturally, right, we deem certain
things attractive.
And don't you think it's just a consensus?
We're programmed to think that someone like Brad Pitt...
Oh, God.
He is hot.
You've stumbled...
He got scared.
You started to drool when you talk about it.
I got scared.
I get scared sometimes.
But yeah, when you look at somebody like you think that we're conditioned...
Yeah.
No, but he's...
No, no, no.
Something...
Attractiveness...
Yeah.
And on that level...
Yeah.
Is not subjective.
It's objective.
Symmetry is attractive to us, right?
Yeah.
So symmetrical faces, clean, like smooth skin, no matter what the race is...
Are you getting horny right now?
No, I'm not.
Because I've been thinking about this one incident when I was...
So before...
I used to have this girlfriend, Christine Portilla, but before Christine, right,
there was this one girl and she was like from the Midwest.
I forgot her name, but I remember I hung out with her like for six months and
we connected on a level that was pretty cool.
You know what I mean?
We liked the same films and music and we'd hang out all day.
And then one night I go...
That was a comic.
And this is right after Mad TV.
So it was like, you know, it wasn't like I was a poor comic, right?
You were doing fine.
I was doing fine.
And one night I went in for a kiss.
Oh.
Right?
And she did this.
Oh.
You know when that happens?
What was she looking at?
Anything but me.
You know what I mean?
Look.
You know what I mean?
The skyline.
Oh.
Yeah, yeah.
Or whatever.
Cool.
And then I go, oh, well, so I read it wrong.
She's like, there's just no way.
There's no way.
Yeah.
I go, what?
Just look.
I just, you're, everything about you is just, there's nothing.
Really?
Yeah.
And I go.
Six months of this?
Yeah, yeah.
And I go, really?
I mean, just friend.
By the way, six months?
I know.
She goes, friend.
Friends.
Hard D.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So hard D.
Friend.
Right.
And then that's when I realized that like, if I just looked a certain way,
a certain way, right?
Yeah.
That maybe she would've done it.
No.
No, because women aren't as shallow as men.
Women will date a man that's unattractive.
They'll just be attracted to them for other qualities.
I.E.
Who you're with right now.
Yeah.
So it's like, there just was no connection with you and that girl.
No, because I-
No sexual connection.
No, because I'll tell you what happened.
What?
Not with her, but with somebody else.
Do you know Patrick-
Swayze?
No, Patrick Keen.
Patrick Keen's a com