Name: Bear Friends with Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura | Ep 58 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-03-29T13:00:10.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bear Friends with Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura | Ep 58 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Bear Friends with Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura | Ep 58 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-03-29. Transcript available.

Bear Friends with Bert Kreischer and Tom Segura | Ep 58 | Bad Friends

Merch! We got that merch, baby! Look at that!
You guys, listen. The other day I was walking around the house and Jules was
wearing, or Rudy was wearing, this sweatshirt and I saw the back and it made,
put joy in my heart.
It was joy in her heart.
It says, "Rudy, put down those knives." This is an authentic Bad Friends sweatshirt.
That's right.
And if you want to be cool...
Go to badfriendsmerch.com or if you're on YouTube, look down below. There's all
the, on the merch bar. You can click on one of those sweaters.
Down below or whatever else we got there.
And buy yourself a Rudy hoodie.
Also, I'm gonna be Salt Lake City, Dallas, Houston, Boston, Atlantic City, and
then a bunch of other stuff.
Go to andrewsantino.com for dates.
andrewsantino.com for dates.
I'm on tour.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna be...
Nowhere.
You're not doing stand-up yet.
Yep.
Come see me live, andrewsantino.com.
You two are bears!
Yep!
He's a bear, all right!
Woo!
White dude!
Little white dude!
Bear!
Bear!
Woo!
Bear!
Bear!
You wanna be fat friends?
How you doing today, Bob?
What was that?
Welcome to fucking...
What is it called?
Bear Friends.
Bear Friends.
Hey guys, don't fix your dials on your tel...
Dials?
What fucking year is this?
I don't know.
That's right.
You've tuned into the right show.
Get ready to unsubscribe.
Yep.
My name's Bobby Lee.
And I'm Ditto Andrew.
Tito Andrew.
Tito Andrew.
Tito Andrew.
Brandy's...
But I can call you Tito Tom.
Okay.
Oh, call him Tito Tom.
And Tito Bert.
No, just Bert.
That sounds weird.
Wait.
No, but it sounds very like...
Okay.
Tito Bert.
It's good to see you.
You know why we do this at 4:00 PM, right?
Why?
Because the guy that normally sits there sleeps till 3:00.
So that's when he does the show at 4:00 PM.
This is amazing.
We do our show at 10:00 AM.
I can't wait to do a podcast where you only get 200,000 subscribers.
Who fucking made out on this deal, huh?
I know.
My fucking bad friends are all of a sudden on a hit podcast.
Yeah, it's pretty cool.
And now all of a sudden, we gotta fucking lift them up.
And we gotta come into this shit box and listen to this fucking dope out there.
So is this...
Should this be like someone's...
Is this where people would shoot heroin at?
This building?
This looks like a fucking storage unit.
It's kind of sketchy, right?
I like it.
Jesus.
Jesus.
They have beaten the fuck out of you, haven't they?
I know.
You can come to us.
You know you can be honest with us.
You don't have to be like, "It's cool here.
I like Andrew and I like Bobby."
You can tell us the truth.
I don't like them.
Thank you.
That's what I'm talking about.
Thank you, Miss Giuliani.
Yeah, thank you, Miss Giuliani.
So, Miss Giuliani, how did you hook up with these guys?
I'm just out of curiosity.
Um...
Atika Layla...
Oh, wait.
Are you related?
Yeah.
Did you just get a tattoo?
No.
Wait.
Oh, wait.
Do you live with them?
Yeah.
I know who the fuck you are.
I know who the fuck you are.
Who the fuck...
Hey, who the fuck is she?
Oh, no wonder.
I just put the math together.
I was like, she's Filipino.
Yeah.
Of course.
You are really good at doing this, man.
I'm sitting here going, Jesus, is she like a fucking kidnapped or something?
I know.
Like blink twice if you need to get let loose.
I know.
She looked...
She was like, I was in the Philippines.
They promised me some modeling work.
They grabbed my passport.
Next thing you know, I'm sitting here on the third mic on a fucking mediocre
podcast.
This is some fucking ginger talk to a fucking...
A Korean guy?
To a guy who looks like an organism.
How...
Be honest.
Hold on.
Cheers.
Cheers.
To bad friends.
To bad friends.
How bad is it to live with Bobby?
Oh, that's right.
You live with Bobby.
Yeah.
Live with Bobby.
How gross is he?
So what time...
Yeah, like what time does he get up to work out?
Work out?
I was joking.
I was joking.
He wakes up around, I guess, two.
Oh, 'cause he's probably up all night reading.
Playing.
Playing?
What does he play?
Like hide and go seek and stuff?
He plays Call of Duty.
Is it weird to you that a guy that sleeps till 2:00 PM and plays all night
actually has a career?
Like an owns a house?
Yeah.
Yeah, right?
Do you go like, that's America?
Like...
Yeah.
You can kind of be like, hey, I don't really try, but...
It's confusing, but he does it, so...
Yeah.
What do you think's worse?
A guy who drinks every night starting at like, say 4:30 until maybe 10:00 at
night, but then gets up and works out at 8:00 in the morning.
Do you think that's more self-destructive?
Or a guy who starts playing video games at 9:00, eats Sour Patch Kids all night...
And plays until like 6:00 in the morning.
And plays until 4:00 in the morning and then sleeps till 3:00.
Who do you think's got more of a problem?
The second one.
Right?
Yeah.
Do you think Bobby would be better off if he just started drinking and using
drugs again and never touched a video game?
Yes.
Right?
See, I think I'm saving my own life.
Now, let's pick apart Andrew, okay?
Okay.
Now, had you ever seen a redhead before when you saw it?
Not in the Philippines.
Wait, was it exciting or gross when you first saw him?
I thought it was really weird.
Yeah.
His beard was really red.
But that sounds like you're leaning more gross than...
Gross.
Like when you saw him, you just thought he was holding his breath really hard.
Yeah.
Like the only thing I know is like when stray dogs in my village have that
little dart that comes out.
That looks like you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Do you have like a pejorative term for redheads in Tagala or something?
No.
I mean, if you wanted to insult him.
They've never seen one.
That's like in America.
What do we call those little animals that put on a cape and then do flips off a
wall?
Oh, we don't know what that is.
That's only in the Philippines, right?
What are those called?
I just saw it on someone's Twitter feed.
Oh, TikTok.
TikTok.
On TikTok, there are these little animals that put on capes and they're like
this tall and they run around the Philippines.
Those are dogs.
Dogs.
Yeah.
God damn it.
It's on someone's TikTok.
I just saw this today.
I'm obsessed with TikTok, by the way.
You are?
Yeah.
That's a new obsession for you.
Do you do the dance?
I don't do any of the dances and I'll tell you why.
What do you do?
Why?
I really like a lot of the knowledge I've accrued off TikTok.
Like those little animals that run around the Philippines with capes on.
Yeah.
And run off the wall.
It's an animal.
Okay.
I'm going to explain it to you, George.
See if you can find it.
Oh, George is going to struggle, but go ahead.
It's an animal that runs up a wall and does a flip backwards off the wall.
How about this?
Type in mythical animal Philippines.
What mythical animals do you have in the Philippines?
Like in our Northwest, we have a Bigfoot, right?
Yeah.
And then in the way, way, way north, they have the abominable snowman.
I just realized you sit here and you work with a fucking fancy bee.
Yeah.
Isn't that rough knowing what they did to your country?
Who's fancy bee?
Fucking the Spaniard, man.
Oh.
I don't know what they did.
I was like, welcome to the show.
Okay.
Welcome here.
The Spanish people were the first people in the Philippines.
Well, they weren't the first people, but they went in there.
Well, they obviously weren't the first.
The best people.
Yeah.
They fucked it up.
Yeah.
Really?
Sure.
Was that why?
They resent them.
That's why there's Catholicism there.
Really?
Oh, Tom's Peruvian.
They did the same thing to his people.
Yeah.
Except his people hit up on the top of a mountain at altitude.
And it took those guys forever to get up there.
And then they killed them all.
Like forever.
Like 60 of them.
I killed a fucking country.
So wait.
Philippine mythical creatures that everyone should look out for.
Molto.
Do you know what that is?
Molto is just a monster.
Okay.
Keep going.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We've all got those.
We've got those.
Come on.
Let's scroll.
Keep going.
How about Aswang?
Aswang?
Yeah, Aswang.
What's that?
I think it's just a-
Is it this big?
Chihuahua?
No.
Oh.
I think she's a ghost.
Okay.
Okay.
How about a mankukulam?
That's old.
Mankukulam?
Mankukulam.
A witch?
A witch?
Oh, it looks like a witch.
God, that's so funny.
But she's kind of a cute witch.
I couldn't understand who you were and now I totally know who you are.
How about Diwata?
Diwata is...
Sigbing.
Is it Sigbing?
A little creature?
No, it's not.
I don't think so.
What's the little creature?
It's called a fucking Chihuahua.
What?
What?
Is it Duende?
Is it Duende?
I don't know.
Look up Duende, George.
Get the fuck on it.
God.
I saw a real one on TikTok.
Are Duende real?
They say it's real.
They say it's real.
But that sounds like no one's captured it on TikTok.
No, some guy got one on TikTok.
They say it's real.
It's like Loch Ness Monster shit.
I wish you could go through and see the TikToks that you did.
Your wife got me addicted with TikToks.
She creates the best curation.
Dude, some people-
It's in her story.
She always puts up the craziest ones.
I saw John Mayer.
Yeah.
Let's talk about John Mayer for a second.
The singer-comedian?
Same one.
Yeah.
He does all of it.
This guy never paid him any mind in my life.
I know these friends with Chappelle.
I'm sure he's probably a really cool guy to hang out with.
Yeah, I'm sure he is.
He's never paid any mind.
His music hit when I was already out of college.
Have you ever heard of John Mayer?
I know he's part of the Grateful Dead.
Perfect.
Wait, is she right?
By the way-
Well, he tours with them now.
Oh, okay.
I was like, he's done at all as part of the Grateful Dead.
He toured at, I guess, for more recently, took the Garcia slot, I think.
Oh, yeah.
Well, that's the only one open.
I don't know.
I don't know.
He's like, Bob, scoot over.
I'm going to take your spot.
You play Jerry, I'm going to play you.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So he, I guess he's really big on TikTok, like he's into TikTok.
I didn't know that.
I guess.
I don't know.
But I never, I never, his music came out when I just moved to New York.
So like, I never, I wasn't, the music I was listening to then was more, I don't
know,
Limp Bizkit corn.
Yeah.
That's why I never really listened to him.
And then I, when I moved to LA is when he got into comedy and you know how
comics are
when comic, other people get into comedy.
We're always like, okay, whatever.
Yeah.
But he was friends with Sherrod.
So I was like, he must be a cool guy.
I didn't know anything about him.
He made a TikTok today that made me laugh so fucking hard.
Can you play my TikTok?
I know.
I put it on my Instagram stories.
Pull up my Instagram stories.
I think we can play his TikTok on the show, right?
Sure.
Okay.
You ready?
Here's the song.
I'm going to play a bit of my song, Whiskey, Whiskey, Whiskey for you.
I don't have a harmonica.
I'm just going to play it without the harmonica because of this.
Two, three, four.
He didn't like it.
That was funny.
Did you like it?
Did you get it though?
Yeah.
No, no.
Maybe you should watch it again.
I'm joking.
I just thought it was fucking funny.
All right, whatever.
You said that shit really fucking made you laugh.
It made me laugh hard as shit this morning.
Why?
I don't know, man.
I just, oh, by the way, write down.
I can be a DJ.
I could be a DJ.
I could be a DJ.
Dude.
I'm DJing.
Hold on.
That's my thing now.
I'm DJing.
Wait, when are you DJing?
I'm DJing a party in three weeks.
You are not.
You know that you realize that is like legit fucking money.
Uh, yeah.
And you don't have to do anything.
All you have to do is put, let's put your hand to your ear and go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And then one, two, three, four.
And smoke comes out.
Smoke comes out.
Confetti.
I have a travel case, dude.
No, you don't.
Yes, I do.
No, you don't.
Yes.
I have a whole Serato set up.
Yeah, I'm doing it.
A Serato?
Yeah.
Shut up.
Yeah, man.
Show me what you got on the thing.
Hey, wait, do you know how to DJ?
Yeah.
Bro.
Do you have videos of you DJing?
I can send you a video.
Yeah.
For real?
Yes.
Like when you DJ, do you pl