Name: Sleepwalking Through Trevor Noah's House | Ep 59 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-04-05T16:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sleepwalking Through Trevor Noah's House | Ep 59 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sleepwalking Through Trevor Noah's House | Ep 59 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-04-05. Transcript available.

Sleepwalking Through Trevor Noah's House | Ep 59 | Bad Friends

Merch! We got that merch, baby. Look at that.
You guys, listen, the other day I was walking around the house and Jules was
wearing, or Rudy was wearing this sweatshirt and I saw the back and it put joy
in my heart.
It was joy in her heart.
It says, Rudy, put down those knives. This is an authentic Bad Friends sweatshirt
hoodie.
That's right.
And if you want to be cool.
Go to badfriendsmerch.com or if you're on YouTube, look down below. There's all
the, on the merch bar.
You can click on one of those sweaters down below or whatever else we got there
and buy yourself a Rudy hoodie.
Also, I'm going to be Salt Lake City, Dallas, Houston, Boston, Atlantic City,
and then a bunch of other stuff.
Go to andrewsantino.com for dates.
andrewsantino.com for dates.
I'm on tour.
Yeah.
And I'm going to be nowhere.
You're not doing stand-up yet.
Yep.
Come see me live, andrewsantino.com.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Watermelon sugar, hi.
Watermelon sugar, hi.
Guy, he loves fruit.
Watermelon, who is that?
Harry Styles.
Harry Styles, he loves the fruit.
Well.
Is watermelon pussy?
Is watermelon pussy?
Yeah, because Kalani goes, maybe it has to do with genitals.
Watermelon sugar, hi.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, well, can you?
But there's no sugar in vagina.
Yeah, there is.
No, it's.
The good one's a sweet.
I know.
I guess when, you know what?
There was a picture of like when a mango is cracked open.
There's more salt, I think.
In watermelon?
No, in pussy.
Watermelon.
Yeah, it's so much more.
It's more salt.
It's a salt block.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Salt block, sugar.
It's like a sugar, you know what it is?
It's like one of those, you know how like Asians that they, they like to put
salt on their
apple?
Have you ever tried that?
What?
You never, yeah, because it, whenever a Kalani makes like fruits.
She puts salt on an apple.
She doesn't make fruit, but she slices the fruit.
Right.
Right?
She doesn't make it, right?
And she'll, she'll put sprinkled salt on it.
I've never, do you do that?
Yeah.
She, you know what she said to me?
She goes, when I came home last week.
Wait, time out.
Before you get into that.
In my life, I've never heard of salt on a fruit.
It's not apple, it's more mango and papaya.
Okay, see, I get like tajin on fruit, makes sense, because it's spicy.
What's tajin?
You don't know tajin?
What is tajin?
Tajin is like the, have you never gotten the fruit cart, the Mexican guy fruit
cart on the
corner?
He puts tajin.
I don't do fruit carts.
What?
No, because one time I was in Hawaii, and I was with my Sarah Highland when I
was dating
her.
Rest in peace.
She's still alive.
Oh, she is?
Yeah.
Oh, shit.
Rest in peace.
And we were at the Grand Wialia Hotel.
Love.
You've been there?
Yeah, it's beautiful.
Yeah.
And then back then, I don't think, because I just recently went there, they don't
have
it anymore, but back then when you're out there, there were just some guys
selling hot
dogs.
Just down on the street?
No, you're at the resort, and you're sitting there.
You know how they sell like $20 ice cones?
Yeah.
Which is crazy.
Yeah, but I'll take it.
I'll do it.
I do it.
Yeah, I do it.
It's so hot.
It's so hot.
I'm hot.
But I'm parched.
And so, some of the dude was selling hot dogs there.
So, I go, I'll have a hot dog.
And I ate it.
And we, right after that, we packed to go to the airport, and we missed the
flight.
Because of the hot dog?
Because I literally couldn't move.
Yeah.
You know what I mean?
Because it wasn't a hot dog.
What do you mean?
It wasn't a hot dog.
What was it?
No, what are you, it's cat meat?
No, I don't know.
Yeah.
I don't know what they get out there.
What do they have?
Hawaii's America.
Hawaii's not America.
It's the 50th one.
It's not.
It is.
It's a part of the Confederacy.
There's 42 states in the United States.
There's 50.
42.
Oh, the rest of them are like.
Liars.
Like Puerto, when they, the Puerto Rico, no.
Whenever I see Puerto Rico, you're not American.
You're not ours.
They try to say, oh, no, we're a part of the.
No, you're not.
No, you're not.
And Texas doesn't want to be in the United States.
Yeah.
They said, we're not.
We will be our own country.
You know how we knew Puerto Rico wasn't?
When the fucking, what was it?
The tsunami or hurricane hit?
Mm-hmm.
Right?
Mm-hmm.
And we, the president threw fucking, remember he threw paper towels at their
faces?
Paper towels.
Yeah.
At their faces.
But it would have helped.
Paper towel.
Tsunami.
Those bounty quicker picker uppers are unbelievable.
The amount of water that you can get on those things.
I love tsunamis.
Don't you love tsunamis?
I love me a good tsunami, baby.
Oh, wait.
You reminded me.
When you said salt on fruit.
Yeah.
My buddy puts in the northeast part of the United States, you know, like New
England,
all that.
They put cheese on pie.
Yeah.
No.
On like savory pies.
Apple pie.
Not apple pie.
They will put, they will put a slice of cheese on apple.
That's crazy.
They do.
It's probably good.
Incorrect.
You could try.
Try.
Trace, get us, next week, get us apple pie and slices of, it's supposed to be
sharp,
thick Tillamook cheddar cheese.
Awesome.
Or when you get like a dumpling, like sometimes we get dumplings and I'll order
a bunch and
then I'll like, I'll think, oh my God, there's a pork and shrimp dumpling.
And I'll bite into it thinking it's going to be, and it's a red bean.
I hate red bean.
I hate red bean.
Oh, red bean's the best.
It's so gross.
Oh, fuck you about red bean.
Red bean paste is so.
You know, because it's Asian and let me say something right now.
That's not at all.
It just doesn't taste good.
You know what she said though?
What?
She goes, um, last week she comes home, she goes,
Tito Bobby, I go, yeah.
And she goes, the Bert and Tom, I go, yeah, they're just nicer than you.
And Andrew.
Are you being serious?
Wait a minute.
You think those guys are nicer than us?
No, I just, I just like their company.
Oh my God.
You don't like.
No, it's like my birds.
Yeah, birds.
Oh God.
It's like being.
And you don't like our company.
No, I also like.
But you like theirs more.
A little.
Oh my God.
Go to their show.
It's like I'm a vampire that's throwing holy water on my skin.
Yeah.
You really like those guys.
I just see them as like, like, like fathers and you two are like.
Brothers.
Uncles.
Uncles.
Ah.
What?
I don't get it at all.
That seems the same.
I think uncles are always cooler.
Yeah, yeah.
Uncles are the ones that let you get away with stuff.
Yeah.
We're not going to snitch.
They're like the cooler fathers.
Ah.
So we're like fathers too, but not as cool.
I guess.
Like we like neglect our kids and stuff.
Yeah.
Don't rape.
We go out for cigarettes and we don't come back for a couple of days.
Okay.
So she likes them better.
That's a little annoying.
I got to tell you because of how well we've treated you.
And you know what I just said to Bobby?
What did I do when I called you before we came?
I said last night, I had a conversation with someone about you leaving and
going to school.
And she said, what are you going to do without Rudy?
And I said, I don't know.
That really hurts my feelings.
I haven't really thought about it.
I got sad.
And I said, I'm going to miss.
Can I have a moment?
I said, I'm going to miss Rudy.
I don't know what we're going to do.
You know?
And then I got really kind of depressed about it.
And I said to him, I said, if she goes to UC Davis, maybe we can fly her down
every week.
Well, first of all, she got accepted to UC Davis.
Did we say that already?
We didn't do it publicly.
And she also got accepted to what?
UC Riverside.
UC Riverside.
What's up?
Riverside, home of the River Rats.
What else?
Home of the Fighting River Rats.
Now, the school that you want to go to is Cal State, Long Beach, right?
No, Long Beach State.
Same thing.
Cal State, Long Beach, Long Beach State.
No, Long Beach State and there's California.
What?
I think it's Long Beach State.
What?
Are they the same things?
Long Beach State, Cal State, Long Beach?
I think it's, but I think it's...
Just, let's just Google it.
California, Cal State, Long Beach?
I thought it was Long Beach State.
Yeah, it's Cal State.
Look at Pete.
Google in a way, Pete.
California, Cal State, Long Beach.
Wow.
Yeah, you're wrong.
I always call it Long Beach State.
Oh, look at there.
That's Long Beach State is also, it's the same thing.
Yeah, but the proper way to say it is Cal State.
No, because right on the website it says Cal State.
What says it first, though?
No, no, no, dude.
Look, click on Long Beach State.
Look at the actual Google thing.
It says Cal State.
I know, but Long Beach State University Athletics.
That's fine, let's move on.
It's one and the same.
Okay.
It's like you and me.
I've never heard of it that way, but that's fine.
You've never heard of Long Beach State?
I've heard of Cal State, Long Beach State.
I used to live in Long Beach.
We called it Long Beach State.
Okay, that's fine.
That's the school you want to go to.
Yeah, but they haven't emailed me, so I think they rejected me.
No, that's not true.
No, here's what we're going to do now.
I want everyone to go on their Facebook page.
Yeah, we got a campaign to get her accepted to Cal State.
Because if that doesn't happen, she's going to go to fucking UC Davis.
I don't want that.
And then we're going to have to replace her.
That's too far.
Yeah.
And so here's what I also want to do is I want to do, and Andreas, memorize
this.
Just in case she has to move.
Memorize this?
Write it down.
Just memorize it.
All right, put it in that bank of yours.
Yeah, do not write it down.
Put it in that memory bank.
Don't write it down anywhere.
Don't save it.
Go ahead.
Whatever.
So anyway, we want to hold auditions.
To replace Rudy?
Yeah, and I want her to be the judge of him.
Oh, that's great.
Because she can only judge who replaces him.
100%.
Only you.
So everyone submit an audition.
First of all, you have to live in...
Southern California.
The LA area.
Yeah.
LA County.
Specifically LA County.
LA County, number one.
Number two, you have to bring...
This is what you have to bring.
You have to bring her essence.
Which is...
You have to...
Yes.
Island energy.
Big island energy.
Yeah, yeah.
Number two, you have to be innocent.
Okay.
A weird word, but yeah.
No.
Why is that in it?
Why?
Innocence weird.
There's something about it that's like...
She's like purely innocent.
She's like Sleeping Beauty here.
She has knives on the wall.
I understand that, but she hasn't used them.
That we know of.
Oh, maybe.
In the middle of the night, after a killing, she cleans them off, comes back in
the studio.
She's like, good night for tomorrow.
And then she leaves.
How crazy would that be if there was like a Night Stalker thing in L.A.?
Right?
And then at three in the morning, because this is what she does.
This is crazy.
Yeah.
And this happens every fucking night.
Don't laugh.
Every fucking night this happens.
So, Kalilah and I are sleeping.
And we hear, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,
beep, beep, beep, beep.
Like an alarm ring, right?
And you can let it go for an hour.
She won't wake up.
It's in her room.
It's in her room.
Next to her face.
Yeah.
Literally.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
The phone is.
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.
Because she lives.
It's a double bed, right?
So, you know, she has a scrawny body.
So, it's like right next to her head, right?
Yeah.
And she has two dogs sleeping with her.
In bed?
In bed.
The dogs sleep in the bed?
Yeah, yeah.
And when I go into the room to tell her to turn it up, the dogs are up.
They're up.
Turn off the alarm, please.
Please, God.
Turn the fucking alarm, right?
Wow.
And I go, Jules.
This is how she sleeps.
Jules.
Jules.
Turn the fucking alarm.
She goes, okay, okay.
And she pushes and snooze.
But I don't know this.
I go back into the room.
15 minutes.
15 minutes later.
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep,