Name: Immortal Kombat | Ep 64 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-05-10T16:00:20.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Immortal Kombat | Ep 64 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Immortal Kombat | Ep 64 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-10. Transcript available.

Immortal Kombat | Ep 64 | Bad Friends

Hey, bad friends. Bob is not on the road right now, but I am. Go to andrewsantino.com
for dates.
andrewsantino.com for them tour dates. I'm going to be in Atlantic City at the
end of the month.
Then I go to Houston and Madison and Boston and Nashville, and we're adding
dates as we go.
Be on the lookout, but go to andrewsantino.com for tickets.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
Who are you two or something?
We're bad friends.
You know, the comedy store is opening.
They call you?
They call, they send me text messages and phone calls.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They're opening up.
I'm not coming back.
Next week.
I'm not coming back.
Why aren't you?
Until after the pandemic, after I come back from Europe.
Right, well, because you want to go to, right, that's why.
Well, I haven't written anything.
In a year, I have not written anything.
A year?
I'm not playing video.
That was a good one.
It was a good joke.
Real good one.
It was a good joke.
You're in a bad mood.
No, I'm not in a bad mood.
I can tell.
You know what?
You get more.
I can tell.
It's in your eyes and your cheeks.
I'm not in a bad mood.
Be honest.
What's going on?
Are you annoyed that we were late?
No, not at all.
Actually, I wasn't.
I didn't even.
Did I mention it?
I'm annoyed that she's yawning.
So what's going on?
People couldn't stop asking about Rudy at the show.
I'm literally not making that up.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not saying I'm in a bad mood.
How many people, you think?
Were in the room?
Now, how many people were asking about Rudy?
If I'm being genuine after the show, I took some questions after the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
13 people every single show.
What's Rudy going to do?
Are you guys going to get Rudy gone?
Who's going to fill in?
Yeah, yeah.
Everybody asked.
And I said, it's none of your business.
We'll figure it out how we have to figure it out.
It's so funny because today we had dinner for the first time at a restaurant
and Kalilah.
Which one?
Jinyah.
Oh, I love Jinyah ramen.
No, not ramen.
No?
Hamburgers.
They have an offshoot hamburger.
Oh, they do?
Yeah, yeah.
Cheeseburgers are delicious.
Wow, cool.
Yeah, yeah.
They put some umami sauce on it.
Jinyah cheeseburgers.
Yeah, it's delicious.
Actually, the Thai place by my house is there.
No, the ramen place.
The ramen was good.
Was it good?
Yeah.
But anyway, can I finish my story?
A bad mood?
Is it a bad mood?
I'm not in a bad mood.
How am I in a bad mood?
I can tell with your eyes.
I can tell with your eyes.
What's going on?
You just sleep well?
You know me well.
I know.
What's going on?
I haven't been getting any sleep.
Yeah, you'd look tired and just like on the edge.
I'm having night sweats.
Oh.
And I think it's because of the vaccine.
I'm being serious.
Night sweats?
Night sweats.
That's nice.
I looked it up.
It's part of it.
Oh.
Night sweats and one of my testicles disappears into my body in the middle of
the night.
It'll go up into my body.
That's happened to me.
And I'll have to go and it'll come out.
That happened to me all my life.
It just disappears?
It's just gone.
It's never been there.
Which one?
Right or left?
Both of them are just tucked inside my fucking dick.
Do you know how they feel like they're on strings?
I feel like it just crawls up the string at night and it lets go sometimes.
Yeah.
But it feels so strange in my body.
How many wrinkles do you have?
Oh, my nuts?
Yeah.
I mean, my nuts are so wrinkled.
I can't count.
How could you?
I counted.
362.
362?
Yeah.
Mine looks like a brain.
It's just like...
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It rolls like sea waves.
Yeah.
It's sea waves.
Mine's bad.
Mine's like...
Is your stretchy?
I call it dune.
Because there's like a little...
Do I get sneeze snakes?
You know that little monster?
A little snake comes out.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Too many people asked about you.
That's all I want to say.
It was annoying.
And then everyone was like,
tell us what school she's going to go to.
And I said,
we're going to reveal it on the show.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Just wait till we get to...
We're going to reveal it.
Do you want to reveal it?
We haven't decided yet.
We haven't decided yet.
Anyway, so we were at the restaurant.
Can I finish my Jinnia story or what?
Yeah.
Thank you.
Bad mood?
I'm not in a bad mood.
See, I can tell.
I'm really, I love it.
Andres, am I in a bad mood?
Absolutely.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
Go ahead.
So we were at Jinnia and Kalelico.
You know what?
Juliana, that's her real name.
Yeah.
Rudy.
I had Rudy.
Rudy Juliana.
Yeah, Rudy Juliana.
You should have a waiting job.
And I go, please.
Oh, that'd be cool.
I'll tell you why.
I'll tell you why.
Because you...
Have you waited tables?
Dude, I've done everything.
I did bussing.
Me too.
I did serving.
I did hosting.
I did dishwashing.
Yeah, you...
I did all of it.
Slammed, right?
Yeah.
For like an eight-hour shift.
I mean, you're just...
Especially at a busy restaurant, you get a section, right?
Yeah.
As a waiter.
Yeah.
And it's like ketchup here, Tabasco here.
I got an order coming up here.
I said no tomato.
They want their check.
And you're running around in a circle for eight hours.
Losing it.
Like a mania.
Yeah.
What the fuck?
What the fuck?
You know what I mean?
And then at the end of the day, you get $90.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Maybe.
Yeah.
Right?
This ungrateful little...
I don't.
Right?
We know.
She...
But you sit here.
You yawn.
Yeah, she yawns.
Right?
You say three things like, I agree to Andrew or whatever.
Yeah.
And then sometimes out of nowhere, she'll go, the Jews.
The Jews.
And you're like, whoa.
Whoa, crazy.
Too far.
But my point is, is that I want her to have a waiting job.
Yeah, you need one.
So that she can just realize how lucky she is.
How lucky she is.
All right.
Well, let's do it right now.
I'm a customer.
We...
My husband and I just sat down to eat.
Yeah.
Why don't you serve us?
Yeah.
Hello.
Hello.
Hi.
Do you have any specials?
Yes.
We have the apple cider salad.
Ooh, you love apple cider salad.
Apple cider salad.
I love it.
You love apple cider salad.
I used to have it in France.
That's your favorite.
Yeah.
I love how they pigment the lettuce.
They dip it, right?
They dip it in the lettuce, the apple cider.
Yeah.
There's an apple cider salad.
For like 24 hours.
There it is.
Delicious.
Is that a real salad?
That's an autumn chopped apple cider salad.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And what else?
Do you have a salad for her?
We have the carnitas.
Oh, carnitas.
I love carnitas.
I love carnitas.
What does that come with?
Tacos?
Oh, so you get tacos with the carnitas?
What kind of taco?
So do you get carnitas, just a plate of carnitas?
You get two things.
You get tacos and carnitas.
Wow.
Wow.
All right.
How much is that?
$13.
$13.
For both things, we could share that.
Pretty reasonable, actually.
We could split that.
So we'll split the apple cider salad, and then we'll also split the carnitas
and the tacos.
Eat the tacos.
Anything else on the special menu?
Do you want drinks?
Yeah.
What do you have to offer her?
We're not really into ... We're a couple, obviously.
Clearly.
Yeah.
And her, him ...
I like gays.
What?
She said, I like gays.
I know, but ...
And you know what?
That's so ... We're fine with that.
You're lucky we're fine with that.
Yeah, but generally ...
You shouldn't say that to people.
If we were a black couple, right?
You shouldn't say, I love blacks.
Right.
Even if you do, and that's fine that you do, but you just don't go, I like
blacks.
Internally, you can feel that, but to outwardly say that.
Right.
We're cool with the gay comment, though.
We're fine with it.
But how can I show that I like you?
Just be nice to us.
Yeah, just be nice, because we're normal.
We're just people.
We're regular people.
Yeah.
Right.
So don't treat us any different.
So you have ... We ordered those two things.
So in terms of drinks, we're not into sugar right now.
We're cutting sugar right out of our diet.
And so ...
Water.
Well, it said, well, we want to fancy it up, because this is ... What is this
restaurant
called again?
This is ... What was the menu?
Oh, yeah.
What was it?
Tototioanas.
Oh, Tototioanas.
Tototioanas.
I love Tototioanas.
This is a chain, right?
Yeah.
Yeah.
It's a great chain.
Yeah, it started in El Paso.
There was two in El Paso, and then one in Albuquerque, and then I think that's
why
they came here, where we are now, in Southern California.
It's so delicious.
Well, so here at Tototioanas, do you have anything else?
Do you have anything else to drink that wouldn't be water?
Yeah.
We have something similar to water.
Which is what?
Which is what?
Spring water.
Oh, spring water.
Yeah, the spring water.
Wow, fancy.
That's cool.
We do like that.
That's really ... We love spring water.
We'll take a bucket of that.
We'll take a bucket of spring water.
A bucket of spring water, please.
Yeah.
Do you have any desserts?
Yeah.
We like to order dessert when we're ordering the whole meal.
Yeah.
We like it on the table to look at what's coming.
What's coming.
To give us a reward.
Yeah.
We just have chocolate pot pie.
A chocolate pot pie.
Perfect.
Perfect.
It just seems like a lot of sugar.
We are cutting out sugar.
Yeah, we're cutting out sugar.
But desserts are full of sugars.
Wow.
Well, we've been to plenty of restaurants that don't have sugar desserts.
I mean, something light.
Do you have anything lighter than a chocolate pot pie?
Oh, yeah.
And what's in the chocolate?
Is it ... Let me ask you.
Can I ask you a question?
It's just hot chocolate inside?
You don't know what ... Is it a chicken pot pie?
So it's basically the crust of a pie.
Of a pie, pie crust.
Inside, it's just pure ...
Chocolate.
Chocolate.
Yeah.
Melted chocolate.
But sometimes the chef will give you a surprise and put potatoes in ...
Oh, yeah.
Oh, like they do.
That winning combination of potatoes and chocolate that everybody strives for.
Yeah.
Yeah, potato chocolate.
Okay.
Well, listen.
That's fine.
That's fine.
Do you have something lighter?
Because look, he's not, but I'm on a diet, and I'd like to shed some pounds.
And that's why he agreed to do the sugar thing with me, which was sweet of him.
Well, I mean, just because you like gays, he is literally the bottom.
Yeah, I mean, he's the bottom, so he doesn't really need to lose the weight.
We like to call it the first layer.
I'm the first layer.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm the first layer.
So I just would like to lose a little bit of weight.
Okay.
So what else do you have that's lighter dessert-wise?
Salad ice cream.
Ah.
Mm.
Salad ice cream.
Just salad with ice cream on top?
Yeah.
What flavor ice cream is on top?
Yeah.
Strawberry.
Ah, strawberry salad ice cream.
Let me ask you this.
So it's a lettuce cup, and you scoop ice cream into it?
Yeah.
It tastes good.
You know, there it is.
There's that salad ice cream that you like so much.
That you like so much.
Well.
Okay.
I guess we'll take those items.
We'll take those items.
Thank you.
Okay, and now we're done.
We're done now.
Okay, ready?
And can we have the check, please?
Here you go.
Ah, thank you very much.
Thank you.
Whoa, what?
Excuse me.
It's $425?
Well, how could we have?
We got literally a salad, carnitas tacos, and an ice cream salad.
The spring water is-
Oh.
Oh, here we go.
You ordered a bucket?
Yeah, we did.
Yeah, of spring water.
Yeah.
A bucket of, let me ask you, so a bucket of spring water at this restaurant is
$129?
$135.55, it says right there.
Yeah, $135.55.
Wow.
I guess that's your price.
And where's this water from?
From Mount Everest.
Oh, that explains it.
Wow.
That explains it.
I wish you told us that up front.
We probably wouldn't order it.
Yeah, we would have just got the regular water, maybe.
He said you wanted fancy.
We did want fancy.
Yeah.
Okay.
The one thing I don't like on here, you know, sometimes servers will sign their
name.
They'll write, like, thanks, Margo, with, like, a heart in it.
Right, yeah.
This one says, thanks, you gays.
I know.
Why?
I try to repass that, but-
Look, it's fine that you feel that wa