Name: Fat Face Five w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 66 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-05-24T16:00:25.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fat Face Five w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 66 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Fat Face Five w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 66 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-24. Transcript available.

Fat Face Five w/ Chris Distefano | Ep 66 | Bad Friends

What up, Bad Friends? We got new merch. Look at this, huh?
The Bottoms of Turtle Island available now for pre-order, only for this week
for Bad Friends.
Monday through Friday, then that's it. A limited run.
This is also what the sweater looks like. We got a sweater and the t-shirt here
of the Bottoms of Turtle Island.
If you're a fan of the film, which I know so many of you are, pre-order it
right now.
Look down in the merch bar down below or just go to badfriendsmerch.com to pre-order
this.
Just for this week only, and then it's gone.
Badfriendsmerch.com. Go there, pre-order it one week, and then it's gone.
Also, come see me live, andrewsantino.com. Come check me out. I'm on the road.
Bobo is not, but I am. I'm going to be in Atlantic City at the end of the month.
Then I go to Houston. Then I go to Madison and Boston and Nashville.
We're going all over the place, so go to andrewsantino.com for them. Tickets,
baby.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
I want to introduce...
You know what? Rudy, you introduce our fill-in for the day, our fill-in guest.
Go ahead, Rudy.
This will be great.
Welcome, everybody.
This is Dennis Pepys.
Dennis Pepys.
Dennis Pepys. That's me.
Here he is, Dennis Pepys.
Hi, I'm Dennis Pepys.
Do you know who this is?
I know his first name is Chris.
Chris?
Yes.
What's his last name?
Begins with a D.
Don't.
That's gross.
Don't do that.
Don't go there.
Begins with a D.
No.
You're not Chris DeLeo.
No.
Yes.
No.
Oh, no.
This is Chris DeStefano.
DeStefano.
Yes, DeStefano.
Hi, how are you?
Hi.
Nice to see you again, Rudy.
Welcome to the Bad Friends House.
Thank you.
I want to say, Rudy, I apologize the last time I was in here.
You gave everybody COVID.
I gave everybody COVID, and I farted a lot.
And I just want to say I apologize for that.
Remember how repulsed you were?
He sat between us, and he ate cake.
Oh, yeah, you brought cake.
I brought cake from the bakery across the street, whatever it's called.
Oh, cutesy pootsy puddin' pie.
Cutesy pootsy in my ass, yeah.
Cutesy pootsy puddin' pie, and now he's here today.
But today we really want, more than anything, Rudy to take over the show
because Tito Bobby is gone, and I want her to kind of drive the engine today.
And Tito Bobby is gone, I've heard forever, on the news.
Yes, that there was a crisis, that he's out.
Do you know what happened in Hungary?
Did you hear?
No.
He broke the quarantine rules, which I'm not surprised,
and he went out to go get a video game.
They told him not to leave the hotel.
He got a video game, and now he's in Hungary jail.
Yes.
And it's not good for him because if you know anything about history,
is the Mongolians with Genghis Khan had really a lot,
they really ravaged through Hungary.
And anybody who looks mildly Mongolian, which Bobby, I would say,
looks moderately Mongolian.
Mild to medium.
Mild to medium Mongol in MMM.
Yeah.
He is, there's a lot of retribution there, rightfully so, from what happened.
So Bobby, I don't know if he'll make it out of the Hungarian jail alive.
Probably not.
TBH.
Do you want to send a message to Tito Bobby?
Because we're going to try to send this to Hungary.
Hungary.
So why don't you send a message to Tito Bobby?
We can send this to him in Hungary.
Hi, Tito Bobby.
I hope you're okay.
I hope the video game was worth it.
Yeah.
I know you said that you were really lonely there.
Yeah.
And I hope that you're okay.
And I think Kalilah is still mad at you.
Mm-hmm.
Bye.
Bye.
Bye.
It does seem like she, it does seem like she doesn't even know him.
The more I hear her talk about him on this show,
it's almost like it's a guy she's never met before.
And what is it?
It's her uncle?
Well, it's Kalilah's, Kalilah's niece, you know, niece's boyfriend.
She, what's the relationship again?
You got it.
I'm sorry.
Kalilah's niece.
This is Kalilah's niece.
That is Kalilah's niece.
Yeah.
Got it.
Okay.
Okay.
And you know, and Bobby is, I mean, I guess they're technically married.
Do they have common law?
Do you know that?
In California, if you live together for, look up common law, California.
I think if you live in the same residence for seven years,
you're common law married, which means if they split, like the house,
they'd have to split it.
Common law, oh, there's not in California.
They don't recognize common law.
So he's good.
He can get out.
He's good.
He can get out.
Does not have a common law marriage.
Unmarried couples who have been together for an extended period of time
do still have some rights.
So she would have some rights.
Some rights.
Well, if that ended, if it ended, Tito, Bobby, and, and what is it?
What's auntie again?
I thought there was a word for auntie.
Tita.
Tita.
And it's, it's Filipino.
Yeah.
It's Filipino.
Okay.
No, no, because I work, I work a lot.
When I was a physical therapist, I worked a lot with Filipino.
You did?
In New York, at least many of the healthcare professionals are Filipinos.
Are they?
Most of them are.
And especially physical therapists, a lot.
I would say when I was working for the New York City Board of Ed, it was, there
was me, there
was an Indian woman, and then there was like six or seven Filipinos.
Really?
Yes.
Can you name some of these people by the first name?
There was Arwen, Katrin, Katrin, Katrin, Arwen, Katrin, yeah, Bobby, yeah, the
one guy's
name was Bobby, but you would say Bobby, there was Manny, of course.
Manny?
I mean, yeah.
You sure he wasn't, that wasn't just a Puerto Rican kid who got in?
No.
Was like, no, I'm Filipino.
No, no, you know what?
Now that I'm thinking back, I think it might have actually been Manny Pacquiao.
I think, but so, and then we would go to, there was a fast food place, a
Filipino fast
food, Filipino fast food place called Jolly something?
Jolly Bee.
Jolly Bee.
They love, they love Jolly Bee.
So they have them in Los Angeles.
Yeah.
Okay, so we would go to the one, and there was one in Jersey City, and I
remember for Arwen's
birthday, that's what I got him.
I got him a whole thing of Jolly Bee and a rooster, and they, that they liked
it.
That's what they like.
Yeah, a live rooster.
Why do you like, why do you guys like Jolly Bee?
We've talked about it on this show, but I really can't figure it out.
It just reminds you of the homeland?
Yeah.
And the chicken is really good.
It's very good.
It's very good.
It's not like Chick-fil-A chicken.
Yeah.
You don't need, Chick-fil-A chicken's better, isn't it?
I've never tried Chick-fil-A.
Oh my God.
Filipino people are the kindest, I personally think, the kindest type of Asian.
Mm-mm.
You don't think so?
Japanese.
I don't know many Japanese in New York.
Japanese is more out here.
Oh, that's out here.
But Filipino, I like, I, they, to me, Filipino people are the kindest Asian.
Right.
At least in New York.
If I've met a Japanese person from Japan.
Yeah, from Japan.
I would, I would like, I would.
You would like them more.
I would like them more.
She'll tell you, Filipinos can be mean.
Really?
It depends, but.
She can be mean.
Hold up your hands, Rudy, if you don't mind.
Very small hands.
You have bigger hands for a Filipino person, but most of the Filipino people I
worked with
had, had very small hands.
That's why they were good at physical therapists, physical therapy, because
they could get their
small fingers inside the muscles and behind the bones.
And I remember Ms. Catherine said to me once, I said, what's the key for you to
being such
a good physical therapist?
And she said, small Filipino hands.
Is that what she said?
That's what she said.
Yeah.
And I, and she said, she said, your hands too big.
Rudy is a giant in the Philippines.
Very giant.
She's five, seven.
Five, five.
Five, five.
How old are you, Rudy?
I'm 19, 46, 19 years old.
So 19 years old.
So there are, it's getting to the point of where you will be expected to, in
the Filipino
family to start to marry children coming up or not, or more, they're more new
school.
No, I don't want to have kids.
She don't want to have kids.
She hates kids.
So, okay.
Okay.
Yeah.
So she doesn't want children.
And we're supporting that.
We support that.
Because we also don't want her to start dating guys.
That's like a big no, no.
She's going away to college.
We're getting scared.
I want to date guys.
No, no.
You want to date guys?
Rudy, I already, we went over this.
No, no.
It's just not going to happen.
We're going to arrange a marriage for her.
We talked about it.
Okay.
When she's 30 and we're going to arrange it, we're going to put it all together.
Fancy's going to be the little ring boy.
Great.
You know, Pete is obviously going to be the flower girl.
Sure.
Bobby is going to be best man.
I'm going to be bridesmaid.
Yes.
Because I want my day.
Yes.
And we're going to arrange the marriage.
She's going to be 30 years old.
And the wedding is going to take place in Riverside, California.
Riverside, California.
Inland Empire.
Yeah.
We want in the IE.
Because we want trucker hats and flatbeds and bros.
That's beautiful.
And sublime.
The whole sublime is the song that we're going to play.
All the sublime songs.
Great.
Yeah.
They're going to, Santeria is the first dance.
Yeah.
I'll also come to the wedding.
By that time, I would be about 50.
I should be about three, four years in a wheelchair.
I hope so.
Yeah.
Do you really feel like you're getting old like that?
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, I just feel like, I just feel like, you know, I just feel like with me.
It's catching up.
It's not that it's catching up, but I just, I just feel like I'm destined to
have some type
of cerebral spinal injury.
I didn't know where you were going.
That sucks.
Yeah.
You do.
You probably will get paralyzed.
Yes.
At some point.
Some way.
No, Rudy, you can start dating and we're just so nervous about it because I
feel like you're
like part of my family now.
And I just don't like the idea of boys in college and parties, but you're not
going to
be out partying.
You're going to be still living at home, right?
Yeah.
But I also want to party.
I know.
What's your dream school, dream college?
I don't have.
Yeah.
She doesn't.
Okay.
DeVry or?
Phoenix Online is what I think we're going to do.
Phoenix Online.
Yeah.
Yeah.
P-H-E-D-U.
I can be, I can go to any school.
I want you to go to Pepperdine.
Ooh, did you hear what she just said?
Pepperdine.
I can go to any school.
Because do you have good grades?
I guess.
She's very smart.
Now she, you live in-
Ask her any school question.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not smart.
Any school question.
She's very smart.
Seriously.
What's the capital of the Philippines?
There you go.
It's Manila.
Manila.
There you go.
Give her another one.
Okay.
Okay.
Look at how good she is.
Go.
Anything.
Anything from school.
Anything from school and not even American history, just any school question.
Well, American history.
She did have to study American history.
How many planets are there?
And can you name them?
That's not American, but yeah.
Well, we discovered space.
Americans discovered outer space.
Do you know the acronym for all the planets?
No.
What is it?
My very-
I don't know what it is.
I just know them.
You know what I'm talking about?
Well, let's see.
Mercury.
Mercury, Venus.
My very-
Something mother.
Earth.
My very Earth.
My very astute mother.
Well, astute's with an A.
Astute?
Astute.
A-S-T-U-T-E?
Yes.
Astute.
Astute.
Look up the acronym of the planets.
My very astute mother or something like my very-
I don't know what it is.
Have you never heard of this?
You guys didn't do this in school?
No.
Planet acronym.
My very educated mother.
See?
Just served us noodles.
Racist.
That is extremely racist.
Racist, Rudy.
That is extremely racist.
And I want to say on behalf of the white community,
I apologize for an acronym like that.
That is horrible that a white woman did that.
You didn't see what they did?
Served us noodles.
Educated mother.
Meaning like, oh, she's book smart.
She must be an Asian mom.
Noodles.
That's ho