Name: An Alligator and a Robbery | Ep 67 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-05-31T16:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'An Alligator and a Robbery | Ep 67 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'An Alligator and a Robbery | Ep 67 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-05-31. Transcript available.

An Alligator and a Robbery | Ep 67 | Bad Friends

You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
I want to break free.
I want to break free.
I want to break free from my life and I don't know what to do no more.
I want to break free.
Oh God, oh my God.
How was it?
You have fun?
I went out to Texas.
It was good?
I know.
It was so fun.
So good.
It was so fun.
Addison is great.
Yeah.
Do they still have my photo up on the hallway?
I took it down.
Joe Coy is up there now.
I actually asked.
I said, is Bob in the hallway?
And then she goes, it's Joe Coy is up there now.
No, Joe Coy was always there.
They had another photo of me out there.
It's another one of Joe Coy.
So they have two Joe Coy's in the hallway.
Oh fuck.
Well, I have to get back there then.
They said they miss you.
It's been too long.
That's literally what they said.
Did they really take my photo off?
I don't know.
You're going to have to go back and see.
Did they take my photo off?
You're going to have to go back and see.
You're going to break my heart.
I didn't do it.
Because I know that three weeks ago some other comic was there and they said
that my photo
was still up there.
Something changed, something changed because it was not up there.
Joe Coy had two up there and Ralphie Mae was up there.
Oh, well he takes up a whole wall.
It's a whole wall.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's one side.
He takes up a whole wall.
How have my kids been?
Good.
We were missing you.
Did you miss me?
Yeah, we were missing you.
I missed you guys.
I sent you a video on stage.
I FaceTimed you on stage, all the Addison crew.
By the way, the number one question I got asked on the road at the very end
because I said no
meet and greets.
We can do a little Q&A and the number one question, hands down, was is Rudy
leaving?
I shit you not.
Well, I have an update for you.
Yes.
She said to me the other day and it was a little confusing.
She goes, I did the puppy.
I go, yeah.
She goes, I don't think I think I'm going to do community college.
And I go, really?
For two years.
And I go, why?
Because I want to stay on the bed friends.
Did you really say that, Ruud?
He asked me first where I was going and then I said I was thinking of going to
community college.
Well, you know, at the end of the day, though, look what you get.
All right.
You don't.
Okay.
So 80,000 Instagram followers sleep.
Okay.
You get to sleep on the hill, which is so nice.
You know, people of your stature and age and all that stuff.
And color.
Well, I should have led with that.
Yeah.
You know, people of your color, they don't get to sleep on the hill.
Yeah.
On the, in the hills.
Do you know who I had to, I had to write a letter to Gavin Newsom.
I wrote a letter to Gavin.
I go, Mr. Mayor.
Was it governor?
It's either or.
Either or.
Yeah.
Governor Newsie.
Yeah.
I call him Newsie.
You do.
Are you that close with him?
We're very close, right?
Wow.
News, News.
I said, noose, noose, noose, noose, noose, noose, noose, noose.
I said, listen, I have a half human, right?
Quarter, maybe?
Yeah.
Quarter human.
Quarter human.
And half a quarter other.
I don't know.
I didn't know what to say.
And then I said, she's from an island.
She's going to be living.
Can she live?
He goes, no, no.
We don't have those in the hills.
I get that.
And I go, please.
And I said, why don't I go up to Sacramento?
Because that's where he was at the time.
Oh, yeah, right.
I'll suck your dick.
Do you offer that to Gov Newsie?
Yeah, I'll suck your dick to get, and you know what?
I sucked his dick.
You did?
At his winery?
I sucked Gavin Newsom's dick.
You went to his winery.
Yes.
And you had a little Chablis.
Chablis.
And swirled it around.
Well, I'm sober, so they got a de-alkalized.
De-alkalized wine.
De-alkalized wine, yeah.
De-alkalized?
De-alkalized.
De-alkalized wine.
You put a cock in there, but they took out the alcohol.
Yeah, yeah, they took the alcohol.
And then you asked the Deezys so she could live in the hills?
Yeah.
And then I said, well, also, I wanted coffee, so give me some coffee.
You can put your cream in there.
Right?
So Gavin went right into the coffee.
I drank it after sucking his dick, right?
And he goes, I will allow her to live in the hills.
So that's number one I did for you.
That's so huge.
Number two, you have your own bedroom, right?
She doesn't have her own bathroom, though.
She does.
What?
Yeah.
I don't even have my own bathroom.
You have your own bathroom, your own shower.
You have your own shower?
Yeah.
Yeah.
How many people did you have to share a shower with when you were in the
Philippines?
70?
70 to 80, right?
Yeah.
Jesus.
Right?
So let me ask you this, too.
Wow.
How much do you pay rent?
Zero.
Yeah, exactly.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Zero?
Zero, zero, zero?
Zero, zero.
Yeah, nothing.
Well, okay.
That aside, what about like electric bills or internet or television or all
that?
Zero.
Zero.
Okay.
That aside, what about like taxes?
You know, like property taxes, which are very, very expensive here.
Very expensive.
Zero.
Zero, okay.
So what about like food or stocking the home with all sorts of miscellaneous
stuff like
toilet paper or paper towels?
I sometimes buy vegetables.
She'll buy McDonald's.
She'll buy McDonald's.
Vegetables!
Yeah.
She'll buy McDonald's sometimes.
Okay.
You've bought.
7-11.
7-11 she'll get.
No, a big baller over there.
Right, a big baller.
Wait, what do you get from 7-11 for the house?
Chips.
Chips for the house or chips for you?
For her.
For me.
Okay.
So again, this doesn't add up to the total of what we're talking about.
I buy vegetables.
What vegetables are you buying?
Here's another thing that she does that drives me crazy.
Broccoli.
I'll go like.
How much is broccoli?
Go ahead.
I'll go to her.
I'll go, hey, I'm going to order dinner for myself.
I'm going to go to Morton's, right?
Yeah.
Do you want me to order you something?
And she always goes, no, you could just do it on your own.
I'm just going to eat, you know what I mean?
Whatever.
You know what I mean?
Whatever.
She doesn't take my, but she could be having steak, meat and potatoes.
You could have steak.
You could have filet mignon.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't want it?
No.
Why?
It's wasteful.
Yeah, I just want eggs.
That's all she eats.
You just want eggs.
And rice.
She eats eggs and rice and that's all she eats.
All day.
What'd you have for breakfast?
Eggs.
No.
What'd you have just now?
Three day old.
No, breakfast, eggs.
But four day old pizza.
And then for lunch, the pizza.
From where?
From Vito's.
It was to Bobby's leftover.
Vito's.
Oh, Vito's.
You've been there?
On La Cienega?
So good.
So good, right?
It's so good.
But wait a minute.
You said you're not eating pizza anymore.
Didn't you talk about this?
I ate it.
You did.
I ate it.
Did you break your rules?
No, I never had a rule like that.
You told me you're going to stop eating deep dish.
So this is what I did.
And then you stopped.
Bro, bro, this is what I did.
What?
So Friday night, right, which was great because the girls went out to Vegas.
Really?
Yeah.
Where did you guys stay?
Marriott.
JW Marriott.
Right.
You know what JW stands for.
What?
Jew.
John Wicked.
John Wicked.
John Wick.
John Wick Marriott.
Yeah.
Sponsored.
So the girls go out to Vegas all weekend.
So guess what I did?
Ate.
This is my party.
I went to Vito's.
Got a large meatball pizza with mushrooms.
And then I went to the comedy store.
Oh, wait.
That's right.
It was open.
Yeah.
How was it?
Hung out backstage.
Hung out with Tiana and a bunch of people.
Ren and Zizi.
Did it feel weird?
What?
Did it feel weird?
No.
It felt totally normal.
It felt so good.
Really?
It felt so good.
And then Saturday night, they were out.
So I went, you know what?
I'll call little David Spadey up.
Mm-hmm.
So he goes, come to this, you know, come to this.
When you take him out of his Jack in the Box, do you have to crank it?
Or is he already?
He's already out of the box.
Because the box is in his house.
Ah.
Yeah.
He lives in the box.
And does he have an assistant?
No, no, no.
What happens is you go there, right?
You know, it's shaped like a circus.
It's shaped like a desperate, lonely, single guy.
It's like a tent.
It's like a red, white tent, right?
And you go in and then there's the bearded lady who he's head sex with.
That's his, what is that?
What is that?
His housemaid person?
Yeah.
House person?
House?
Yeah, that's his house person.
House person.
And I go, hello, Harry.
That's his name.
Hi.
Yeah.
Hi.
And I go, can I wind up the box?
Can I get him out of the box?
And he goes, go ahead.
It's a huge lever.
He comes out.
Right.
And he goes, hey, buddy.
Hey, buddy.
And then that's how it works.
But then--
Did you go hang out at his house all night?
No.
He goes, I'm at a restaurant called something in Essex.
Something in Essex.
I don't know what it's called.
That's OK.
And I go, who are you going with?
He goes, Tim Dillon.
Yeah.
So I go, oh, I was just calling.
Because you can't go, could I come?
Right.
You can.
But I didn't.
But you didn't want to feel that way.
I didn't want to feel that way.
So I go, oh, I was just going to see if I'm alone.
You know what I mean?
Yeah.
He goes, ugh.
That's what he said in the text.
Ugh.
Which means, come on.
Come on.
He goes, here it is.
So I go there and I'm going to get in trouble for saying this, but.
Please.
It was like an MTV music video shoot.
Why?
It was one of those places where there's a rope.
There's a gigantic black man wearing a suit.
Yes.
He's got dreads.
He's a bouncer.
I don't call him that.
What do you call him?
A greeter.
He's a greeter.
Sorry, he's a bouncer.
Bouncer, yeah.
I shouldn't say the R.
Yeah.
He goes, what you want?
Right.
Right?
Because I haven't been out in a while.
Hey, man, I know you.
No, I was wearing the mask.
Oh, and he couldn't see it.
I go, you think I'm scorpion, huh?
He goes, no.
He goes, get over here.
He goes, loved you in a hangover.
The way you popped out of that trunk, man.
Yeah.
So then I, and it was like people going, hi, we've been out here for an hour.
It's like that?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it was crazy.
I don't like that.
Right.
And then they're like, yo, little man, step to the side to me.
I almost left.
Wait, so you just got shuffled along?
I got shoved aside.
And this other guy, another older, you know, older black.
Say it.
Older black guys who have like little things in their ears.
What does that even mean?
They have little things in their ears.
Earbuds?
Something.
They're talking to somebody like CIA has.
Oh, you mean, yeah, like that, like he works there.
No, there was another guy.
He was just like talking.
No, he was trying to get in.
He goes, yeah, you know who I am?
Oh, Bluetooth headset.
Yeah.
You know who I am?
Right.
Right.
Right.
He's I don't know you, man.
Right.
And it was that kind of and then a bunch of women.
And then some woman goes Asian lady goes, Tommy.
Do you?
Yes.
Because there's people say that all the time.
Why Tommy?
They think I'm they think Tommy and Bobby are the same.
It's not.
So then I have to go.
No, it's Bobby.
Oh, yeah.
Excuse me.
Yeah.
Bobby.
And she loved you.
Right.
So I call Spain.
He's like, just say my name.
Right.
So I go David Spade.
No contact.
No contact.
David Spade.
Oh, you're with David Spade.
Yeah.
I go.
Yeah.
They bring me right.
They, dude, it was great.
They push all these.
The guy with the thing gets brushed to the side.
All the girls with the little, you know, the coochies hanging out on the side.
The coochies hanging out.
But it wasn't nice.
Um, I have to say the girls were on vacation.
So little Bobby got a little look.
I have to say I did a couple of glancy glances.
Yee.
Like, coochie, coochie.
Like, you know what I mean?
And I saw it, you know what I mean?
Blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink, blink.
And, um, I go.
And it's like, uh, 90% like, uh, it looks just music video people.
Who else famous was there?
No one else.
Really?
Yeah.
Are you covering up?
No.
No one else.
Because it feels like famous people.
No, no one 