Name: Rudy's Stand Up Debut | Ep 74 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-07-19T16:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rudy's Stand Up Debut | Ep 74 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Rudy's Stand Up Debut | Ep 74 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-19. Transcript available.

Rudy's Stand Up Debut | Ep 74 | Bad Friends

You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
So John Rambo is an alien.
So unnecessary to run over the cop car.
I just want to explain to her what's going on.
He could have just kept going up the street.
And this doesn't make sense either.
This duck and die with this motorcycle.
Stay on the sidewalk.
What are you doing?
This is so poorly choreographed.
Just tell her the premise though.
So he's an alien.
He just landed.
And the local town, right?
They saw the spaceship land in the car.
Freak!
They freaked him out.
They say freak.
Freak!
They get him.
And they got him.
Because he was a lizard at first.
And he came back as a human.
Right?
What?
I don't believe you!
Anyway, so he lands.
It's a lizard race.
He goes on.
I'm John Rambo.
You know, I'm Johnny.
What was the impression?
He goes, I'm Jonathan Rambo.
Oh, that's right.
That's right.
That's right.
I'm Jonathan Rambo.
Right?
And then...
And then...
And then the guns are freeze!
Get down!
Get down!
Right?
And then he goes...
And he turns into Sylvester Stallone.
Yeah, the sexy, muscly...
So that's a lizard alien, but as a disguise, he's Sylvester Stallone from Rocky.
So everyone thinks now, some of the townspeople think it's Rocky Balboa.
Yeah, they're looking for a fight.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
So they're like, what's up?
Hey, what are you fighting next?
Where's Apollo?
Remember one of the lines?
Where's Apollo?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And he's like, he's black.
That's what he said.
He's black.
Did he say that?
He doesn't.
Yeah, yeah.
He does not.
It's cool, man.
It's a great film.
It's a great movie.
It's a great film.
But then the other lizards fly back down.
Yeah.
And then one turns into Arnold Schwarzenegger.
And one of them is...
Steven Seagal.
Steven Seagal.
And the other one is...
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
Jean-Claude Van Damme.
And it's basically...
You know what this is?
A prequel to...
The...
The...
The...
Expendables.
Expendables.
Yeah, this is Expendables 1.
This is like the prequel.
Expendables 1, really.
I don't know what's Expendables.
It's like talking to a farmer's kid.
I don't know what is this.
I don't know anything.
Do you know who John Rambo is?
I mean, do you know who Rocky Balboa is?
No.
You don't know who Rocky Balboa is?
Tell her who Rocky Balboa is.
Rocky Balboa was a famous blind fighter.
A one-armed famous blind fighter from Johannesburg, South Africa.
He was very famous.
Joburg, South Africa.
And he was half black and half white.
But it's a movie that Sylvester Stallone did.
Yeah, he played it.
Right?
This is before this movie, right?
It's what made him famous.
And this is before CGI, by the way.
Yeah, so he had to...
Yeah, go ahead.
He had to have one arm, like, tucked and taped to his back.
The whole film.
No, no.
What they did was they had a harness.
Oh, it was a harness?
They had a face.
Yeah.
So his arm was tied to his body like this.
Uh-huh.
And then they had a prosthetic like this.
And there was this one...
Have you ever seen the behind the scenes with the bloopers?
Yeah, I've seen the BTS.
He was running and then the thing fell off, right?
He hit the actress in the eye.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
And so here's this guy from Johannesburg, South Africa.
Yeah.
And he's half black and half white.
Yeah.
Now, when you say half black and half white, what do you think in your mind?
What do they look like?
They have light skin.
Right.
Right.
But this, he's physically half.
Like, half black.
Half of his left side of his body is black and half is white.
Oh.
So the side with no arm is white.
And here's the opening song of the fucking movie, right?
Mm-hmm.
One half is going, Ebony and Ivory.
It's a famous song from the film.
You never heard Ebony and Ivory?
Together in harmony.
It's famous.
It's from the movie.
It's famous.
They wrote it for the movie.
For the film.
Yeah.
And so anyway, Rocky Balboa, this one-armed half black, half white guy, he
decides to take
on Apollo.
Do you know who Apollo is?
He's the, he's like a lord, like he's, we have our galaxy, right?
But we have a universe.
He's the lord of the universe.
He's the god of the universe.
Yeah, like Apollo, you know what I mean?
Like a god.
And part of this whole thing is Rocky is homophobic and Apollo is outwardly gay.
Outwardly gay.
He's openly gay.
Full-blown gay.
And so they get into a full fighting match about whether or not, you know, to
accept his-
Well, he brought, Apollo brought eggs.
He brought eggs down the earth.
Eggs to the earth.
That's what, in the movie.
So Rocky's trying to beat AIDS, the whole film.
That was like what the whole film is.
He's fighting-
It's like fighting AIDS, fighting intergalactic, you know, species.
Intergalactic AIDS, basically.
Intergalactic AIDS.
And-
Yeah.
What?
And what happens in the movie is Rocky, you know, I told you he is from
Philadelphia.
He's born in Johannesburg and then he starts fighting in Philadelphia because
that's, you
know, that's obvious.
That's where all the homophobes are.
And he fights and he beats, he beats Apollo.
He beats the guy who brought AIDS down.
And that's kind of the beginning of Sylvester's career.
Yeah.
And also-
That's why he's so famous.
But they did another movie like as a sequel, but it wasn't like, eventually,
you know, Rocky
gets the HIV AIDS.
He gets HIV.
And he gives it to Tom Hanks in the movie Philadelphia.
That's right.
That's why he died.
That's part two.
Right.
So, you know, Tom Hanks, right?
He dies from HIV.
Yeah, of course.
But he got it from Rocky Balboa.
And here's a little behind the scenes.
But it's like intergalactic AIDS, but they don't really mention it in
Philadelphia.
It's space AIDS.
Space AIDS, yeah.
And he ended up giving it to Charlie Sheen, but in real life.
Can I see a Rocky Balboa?
The picture of him?
Yeah.
I'm sure you can find it.
Yeah, find a Rocky Balboa picture.
Find the Rocky Balboa picture.
There he is.
There he is.
There he is.
There he is.
Look, you can see the right side is white.
And the left side is obviously more dark.
See that arm right there?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That arm gets ripped off.
No, this is right here, the prosthetic thing.
Right, it's all fake.
It's all fake.
So on the left side, you can tell that he's black on the left.
You can tell he's white on the right.
See how the shading?
So the right side is dark.
The left side is white.
And that's actually the beginning of the movie where he sings Ebony and Ivory.
That's it.
Yeah, so it goes,
Ebony and Ivory.
That's it.
Yeah, that's it.
That's it.
So you should watch those movies.
That's why you like-
So good.
You should watch some of these older movies.
Who killed at the Brea Improv, by the way?
Oh my God, rude.
You destroyed.
So she, did she, honestly?
Yeah, she killed.
Did she not kill?
She killed.
Yeah.
The crowd went apeshit.
People don't, for people that don't know, me and Bob did a little Tuesday night.
It's Bobby Lee and Friends.
We did a Tuesday night at the, um, at Brea and Bob brought me down and we, you
know, last
week's show, we did the script for Rudy and man.
Let me just put the, put it in context.
Can we see it?
No, no, no, don't put it, don't do it yet.
Okay.
Let's just put everything into context though.
Okay?
Okay.
Sold out.
That's not what I'm going to say, but it is.
Sold out.
It was.
All Mexican and whites.
Again, no blacks at this show.
Three.
Three, we counted.
And there are a lot of Asians.
There's a good amount of Asians there.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, but no black people, which I love.
So, um.
For you, because you don't get any black fans.
You know, um.
You don't.
They don't like you.
Do you want to make me angry or?
No, no, no, of course not.
Yeah.
Set it up.
Because I'm just, no, I have to address that.
Okay.
No, don't roll your eyes.
I didn't.
When you roll your eyes, it's so gross.
Yeah.
So, um.
When I play Michigan or.
Yeah.
Cleveland.
Yeah.
They come out.
Black people?
Yeah.
Okay.
Take a picture.
I will.
Take a picture with all your black fans.
Yeah.
And upload it.
And then, you know, I would.
Let's make a contest to see how many more black fans I have than you.
Fine.
Okay.
Fine.
So, let's put this in the context.
I'm just going to be positive today.
And I looked in the mirror today when I woke up.
And I was just like.
I'm good enough.
I'm smart enough.
I'm just like, don't get angry today.
Don't get angry.
Don't get angry.
Every time I said it, I got more angry.
But my point is, let's put this in the context.
Give the context.
So, the night before, she couldn't sleep.
Oh, yeah.
And for 24 hours, probably even 48 hours, she was just like doing every kind of
angle in
terms of like convincing me not to go up.
And I was just basically saying, all you have to do is introduce us.
And I'm getting her ready for.
And if you think that we're bullying her to do it.
No, because we have a gig in.
Cancun.
November.
Yeah.
And it's in front of a live audience.
She's got to be there.
And I want her to be used to an audience.
Yeah.
Right?
So, it was like.
And we're not humiliating her.
And also, I was going to put her up on stage just on her own.
But I didn't do that.
I was on stage with her.
Yeah.
You were up there with her.
It was nice.
To make it safe.
Right?
So, play it.
Killed it.
Let's see it.
Why don't you guys give her the love, right?
That she deserves.
Round of applause for Rudy, everybody.
They're chanting.
Rudy.
Rudy.
Pause it.
Pause it.
The quality of this is just.
It's just.
I mean.
It's like.
What did we shoot this through?
Spielberg directed it.
He did?
It's so good.
Wow.
All right.
Well, let's see what Stephen was able to come up with.
So, we wrote an intro for Andrew.
So, I'm going to sit over here on the stool just to see if everything's going
to be okay.
All right?
I will go.
You're talking to the mic.
Come on, guys.
Rudy, everybody.
Pause it.
Pause it.
What are you thinking right here, Rudy?
What's going on in your head right now?
The crowd.
There's 500 people going, Rudy.
What are you thinking?
I was farting a lot before, so I thought I was going to poo.
Okay.
Can I just.
I thought I was going to poo.
What's up with you, man?
Yeah.
You're great.
You're great.
You're great.
I get.
But here's what she did that was clever.
What?
Say you get what?
You get nervous?
When I get scared, my stomach starts to.
You know, Bobby and I can both tell you as comics, sometimes before shows, I
used to poop.
I used to poop before shows.
Oh, yeah.
Because I get the butterflies.
I get butterflies.
Yeah.
I got butterflies that night.
Did you?
Oh, yeah.
So what?
You had to poop, but you didn't.
No.
But she did a thing.
Too many people in the green room.
That was so funny, and she didn't mean to do it.
What?
But she did a thing when she walked onto the stage as if she had been living in
a cave for 50 years.
So she was doing, you know what I mean?
She walked up like, what is this place?
Like the lights just came on.
They came on.
It was a really funny, like, it almost made the audience feel like, oh, yeah,
she doesn't give a fuck.
This is great.
Yes, well, did you give a fuck?
You didn't look nervous.
You look like, I don't give a fuck.
She looked like she didn't care.
All right, let's see.
Hello?
Push, push, push, push.
Crush.
Crush.
Hello?
When you can say hello.
Crush.
And get a laugh.
I mean.
There's something special going on.
She went up.
Hello?
Yeah.
She acted.
Well, it was like that same thing where it's like when people get captured.
Mm-hmm.
And they get blacked out.
And then they wake up in a forest tied to a tree.
That's the hello that you do.
Hello?
Hello?
Who did this?
Yeah.
Amazing.
All right, good.
Let's see next.
Aw.
Okay, um, Tito Bobby and Trent, you forced me to do this.
Pause.
Let's not use force ever again.
Yeah.
Okay, we didn't force you to do this.
To do anything.
We're not forced you to be here.
No, you enjoy it.
Partially.
Yeah.
And you wanted to do it.
Okay, let's see the rest.
But they wrote the script, so I'm just going to read it.
Already getting a round