Name: When the Plane Goes Down | Ep 75 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-07-26T16:00:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'When the Plane Goes Down | Ep 75 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'When the Plane Goes Down | Ep 75 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-07-26. Transcript available.

When the Plane Goes Down | Ep 75 | Bad Friends

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I'm an Asian dude. You two are disgusting.
You two are something. We're bad friends.
I just got off an airplane. I just got in from Houston.
How was it?
Pretty good, dude.
Sold out?
Sold out. Four shows in Houston.
Did you meet Raymond yet?
Did you meet Raymond?
Who's Raymond?
He's the general manager of all of them over there.
No, I didn't meet a GM.
So when we were driving here, this is what Jules goes.
Jules goes.
What? What does he say?
We had a really nice movie because we're driving and she goes, to the puppy. I
go, what?
Can you play American Pie?
Can you play?
American Pie.
Oh, the song American Pie?
The song American Pie.
Really?
So I'm driving and I'm like, you know what I mean, trying to find it.
Yeah.
We park. I finally have it on.
Right?
And I go, the music starts playing.
You know, I don't want to sing it because I want to get flagged.
But like.
Now you can sing it if it's original.
Go ahead.
Do your version.
Bye, bye, Mr. American Pie.
Yep.
Right?
And I'm kind of like dancing a little bit.
Because, and she's sitting there and I'm like, this could be a moment.
Between you guys.
Yeah.
Like a cool summer moment.
Yeah.
You know, and we're listening to a fucking song that she requested.
And her uncle, you know, and my niece, we're just having a moment.
Yeah.
And she goes, let's go inside.
Andrew's waiting.
And I go, no, let's have a moment.
No, I don't want to.
Right?
And I go, we're finishing the song.
Right?
So we sit there and I'm trying to get the song.
And she does not want to have a moment with me.
Why don't you want to have a moment with Tito?
Because we're late.
No, you weren't.
Well, you were already late.
It didn't matter.
It didn't matter at this point.
So at that point, just enjoy it.
Do you not like having moments with him?
Is that what it is?
Are you scared of having like a really nice, sweet moment?
No, I'm okay with it.
All right, well, let's have one right now.
I want you to look him in the face right now
and say, Tito Bobby, I love and respect you.
You mean the world to me.
And then we're going to play American Pie.
You can't play it, huh?
We can play it in the studio.
You sing your own version.
Okay, ready for you guys right now.
So let's do it again.
Turn on the radio.
So say, tell me to play the song.
Tito Bobby, can you play American Pie?
Excuse me, sweetheart?
Which is what I would not say.
My lovely sweetheart, excuse me?
Can you play American Pie?
Oh, sweetheart, my love.
I'll play it.
Play.
Bye, bye, Miss American Pie.
Drove my Chevy to the levee, but the levee was dry.
I'm good old boys were drinking whiskey.
She has a migraine.
Don't do that with your face.
Let's have the moment.
This will be the day that I die.
Okay, good.
Yeah, fuck it.
It's not working.
Why don't you want to participate and have a moment with him?
You know, he's getting older and he thinks about this stuff.
My parents do this too.
They're getting older and they want to soak up these moments because they're
fleeting.
You only got, seriously, think about this.
I don't know.
You have 30 summers left.
That's it.
Maybe even less, probably 20 summers.
Isn't that crazy to think about?
It's crazy.
20 summers, 25 summers left.
And when I look in the mirror now, I go, I literally think, oh, you're dying.
You're dying.
Like, I could see the bags on my eyes and the wrinkles and the liver sparks
forming, right?
And I could just see when I get up, I go, oh, I have to make a noise.
Ah, my knees, you know, my back, right?
So it's like, I'm dying.
She's dying.
And you don't want to have a fucking moment with me?
Why not, Rude?
I don't know.
I'm tired.
She's tired.
She's tired.
You're tired a lot.
Yeah, she's tired.
I get why she's tired, because she died a busy day today.
She saw Black Widow.
Oh, and?
That's it.
That's it.
Oh, my God.
That's it?
That's so tiring.
That was your day?
Yeah.
Oh, cool.
I flew from Houston, okay?
Then I got home, had to make dinner, clean up the house, and do my laundry, and
then I got here on time.
So shut up, Black Widow.
Black Widow.
How did you like it, though?
It was good, wasn't it?
I heard it was good.
What was it?
It was the biggest box office.
Top to the bottom.
Top to the bottom of the box office.
You know what I also saw last night, which I didn't want to like?
I finished Manifest, by the way.
Did you see the whole season?
I did not.
I didn't.
I just couldn't get through what I couldn't get through.
How many episodes did you get in?
Five?
Yeah.
Six?
I don't even know.
Yeah.
No, look at me.
Let him go.
No.
Yeah.
I can't.
Break it.
You know what I mean?
There was a moment where I was like, is this a bit?
No.
Did you make me watch this as a bit?
I'm on the plane watching Manifest.
I'm not.
It's good in a bad way.
It's like what Lost was.
But Lost was pretty.
Lost was kind of good.
Lost had good moments.
You know what's weird when you're watching a plane crash on the airplane?
Because people look over at you watching people on a plane crash.
Or like a plane moment.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Like when the turbulence and the lights go out and the guy looked next to me
and I looked
at him and I was like, ooh.
No, you know, I always thought, because we fly a lot, and I always think to
myself.
This is the one.
This is the one.
And then, like, I've had turbulence where it was really bad.
Me too.
And I'm always thinking, like, if, you know, we were really soaring down and
they lost
complete control, like the engine is out, right, and the lights are going off
and people
are screaming, what I would do?
What would I do?
What would you do?
I don't think I would scream.
I've asked this before.
I say, if you could only yell out, if you could yell out two words, what would
your two words be?
Suck on.
Suck on?
Yeah, yeah.
Suck on.
Suck on.
Because I'd probably see a hot chick.
Right.
Suck on.
And we're going down, and I think that cheating at that point, I'm dying.
Right.
And you think she's going to undo her seatbelt and be like, okay.
Maybe.
I mean, I don't know.
But I think I would probably eye out.
Yeah, I always eye out the hottest chicken thing, right?
So if she's like five rows behind me, right?
I'd probably turn and go, suck on!
Suck on!
And she goes, okay!
Right?
We would be like, it would be difficult.
Dun-dun-dun.
It would be difficult.
Dun-dun-dun.
And then I would pull it down, right?
And we're like trying to-
Suck on.
Suck on.
We're trying to balance, right?
Like, you do have to, I mean, I'm not trying to be aggressive, but I would have
to grab her head.
I mean, I guess because the plane is moving and it's shifting all over the
place.
Just to hold myself, you know what I mean?
Right.
Right.
And then as she's doing it, the plane would level out, right?
And I'd just be like-
Sorry about that, folks.
That was just a little bit of turbulence there.
But then would you-
I hope nobody has their dick out and they yelled, suck on in the middle of that
crash.
But would you tell your girlfriend?
Yeah, you'd have to.
I don't think so.
Because you almost died so that's the pass?
Because I didn't come.
Oh, right.
Okay, then yeah.
Then you're good.
Yeah, I didn't come.
Yeah, you're right.
I think if I came-
That's the rules.
That's the rule, right?
That's the rules.
Yeah, yeah.
If you're in a dying situation.
But then other people, probably two or three people on the plane maybe
recognize me.
Do you think?
Yes, for sure.
A couple of people.
I think a few, yeah.
So I think they would say something.
Right.
That's kind of like those people that are-
You know, there might be people trapped in that building in Florida.
You know, they had to go look.
It's a nightmare.
But can you imagine?
This is sad and weird and gross.
Nightmare.
But imagine you're trapped for like two days.
Nightmare.
And you know you're going to die.
Yeah.
And you don't know if they're going to save you.
Do you ever just-
You think somebody just rubs one out?
Is this his last go?
Don't you want one last nut?
You're like-
Look, I'm trapped underneath rocks.
And I'm just like-
Bro, bro.
I've been yelling help for two days.
Even if my hands were pinned.
Yeah.
Right?
You would just rub it against the rocks.
I'd find like a fucking pipe sticking out.
And I would try to get my dick in the pipe.
Right?
And I would just do like 15 pumps.
I would definitely-
Yeah.
And they would find my body with my dick out.
With your dick in a pipe.
In a pipe.
But with a smile out of it.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I think you'd want to go-
You'd want one more nut.
Yeah.
But what-
Like I thought about that when Franco was in that 127 hours or whatever.
I would have fucked a crack.
You'd have fucked a crack.
You would have fucked a crack?
Yeah, you'd have fucked a crack.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, that's interesting to me.
Like if you're trapped and you know you're going to die.
Yeah.
Because the chances of getting out are almost non-existent.
Yeah.
Maybe you want one more.
Let's say you're pinned under the thing.
Yeah.
Right?
Yeah, pinned.
And you have your left hand, right?
Yeah.
And there's a girl next to you.
That's all I'm going to end.
I'm going to end there.
No, that's not what I was going to say.
Oh, what were you going to say?
Are you okay?
Yeah, are you going to tap her to see if she was fine?
Yeah, I would tap her to say, are you okay?
Are you alive?
And she'd be dead.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
What are your last two words on a plane, Jules?
It's going down.
Meep, meep, meep.
Going down and it's, oh, no, everyone's freaking out.
And then, Jules, you get to yell out.
When I yell, I usually say, mama.
Mama.
Yeah.
Just kill the man.
You yell mama, some guy in the back goes, ooh.
Mama.
Ooh.
That would be hilarious.
The pilot's like, didn't mean to make you cry.
And everyone sings Bohemian Rhapsody.
That would be so cool.
That'd be cool.
What a cool way to go out.
That's a cool way to go out.
That's cool.
You would start a song.
You would start a song.
That's amazing.
I love that.
What song else could you start?
On a plane like that?
Well, you know, like, it's got to be a song that everyone knows.
You know, like, the song they play at the stupid Red Sox games is Sweet
Caroline.
Yeah.
Ba, ba, ba, you know.
Yeah.
Sweet Caroline.
But it would be embarrassing if you're flying, you think, I'm going to start a
song.
We're dying.
And you try.
And you go, sweet.
And no one says anything.
And you're just kind of like, oh, that's a bummer.
You go, sweet Caroline.
And everyone's like, oh, it's so dark.
Dude, you know what?
But every time I fly into Burbank, it's so sketchy.
The runways are this big.
And they have to barrel down.
And this time, we landed on the left wheel.
And then the right wheel went down.
And everyone went like this.
Yeah.
Like, you feel it, dude.
Let me ask you this.
When you're sitting, you know how when you sit down in the emergency exit row
and the, I'm not doing a hacky joke, but I'm just like, a stewardess comes up
to you and he says, in the case of emergency, are you going to be able to help?
Yeah.
And you always go, yeah, I'll help.
Yes, yes, of course.
But you know deep down inside you're not?
Never going to help.
Because I don't know how it works.
No, first of all, I'm opening the door.
I don't know how any of the levers work or anything like that.
I'm pulling