Name: Jake Paul Plays Volleyball & Our Worst Episode Ever | Ep 81 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-09-06T16:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jake Paul Plays Volleyball & Our Worst Episode Ever | Ep 81 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Jake Paul Plays Volleyball & Our Worst Episode Ever | Ep 81 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-09-06. Transcript available.

Jake Paul Plays Volleyball & Our Worst Episode Ever | Ep 81 | Bad Friends

You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Who's back from Hawaii?
Who's back from spending too much time on that you did?
Dude, I heard you raged, huh?
Partied hard, huh?
Yeah, tough guy.
Who's a tough guy?
Did you get tan, tough guy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Look at her.
Superwoman.
Superwoman.
So brown.
Wow, you had some fun.
I saw on the internet how much fun you had.
Yeah.
Did you love Hawaii or what?
I want to move there.
You want to move to Hawaii?
You want to move to Hawaii, little baby?
What job are you going to get in Hawaii?
Yeah.
I don't know.
A lifeguard.
Oh, they pay well.
Oh, they do.
You can buy a house with a lifeguard.
You can buy anything you want if you're a lifeguard.
Yeah.
Can you save people?
I'll try.
You'll try.
You'll try.
Look at this.
What's this?
This is Jules at the party.
Someone sent this.
This was at the party in Hawaii.
Yeah.
Everyone's having a good time.
And Rudy Jules.
First of all, who the fuck sleeps like that?
That's insane.
Yeah, to sleep like that.
Do you always sleep like that on your stomach?
Yeah.
Yeah, I like it.
Really?
Yeah.
Is it like a thing you did when you were a little kid or something?
When you were like a baby maybe?
Maybe.
You've always slept that way, huh?
Maybe in the before life, you were a turtle.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
That's why you want to move to Hawaii.
What did you do?
You went deep sea scuba surfing?
You guys saved a turtle, no?
You saved a turtle?
They served a turtle.
We saw a monk seal, dolphins, and kept-
Was it meditating?
How do you know it's a monk?
Because I think Halila said.
Was there a temple?
I mean, I don't-
Was there candles being lit?
There was a Buddha.
He was like,
Oh, oh.
Yeah, yeah.
So they're called monk seals?
Yeah.
I wonder why.
Are they peaceful?
Yeah, they are.
They're very peaceful.
Is that what it is?
They don't fight.
They used to be violent.
The regular seals are violent.
And monk seals don't.
They have no violence whatsoever.
They're Buddhists.
Wait, there was a video of you online
where you went diving
and you stayed underwater
for like a good two minutes.
No.
That's what it looked like.
Yeah.
You can hold your breath for a long time.
I was actually surprised.
And then you went kind of in a little cave.
Was that scary?
No.
See, that would give me so much panic.
No, but Halila and them,
they're real sea people.
Well, yeah, they're-
I mean, the islands.
They're island folk.
No, even beyond that,
I think genetically,
they're just sea people.
You think you were born in the sea?
Yeah.
I'm a land guy, for sure.
Without a doubt.
Without a doubt, I'm a land guy.
You're a land land.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah.
Deep land.
Deep high land.
Not even high land.
You should move to the highlands.
Maybe.
You don't like the water.
No, but they've made me go in there before.
Do you go-
Do you dive down?
I try-
What I'll do is I'll go,
I'm going to do it,
and then when I see them at the bottom,
Yeah.
I'm already back in the car.
You're in-
So I'll go deep.
Yeah.
Deep, they're in the bottom,
I'm in the car playing some game on my phone.
Yeah, yeah.
That reminded me when you dove down,
and you were-
It was like in slow motion.
Yeah.
It made me feel-
It reminded me of-
Or made me feel how long the guy,
an octopus teacher,
used to hold his breath for.
You watched that, didn't you?
Yeah.
And then two nights in a row,
I ate octopus.
Good.
It makes it tastier.
So good.
It makes it tastier.
It's so good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
We went to the Korean barbecue place
that you suggested,
and we had-
No, did you go to Chosan?
Yeah, we did,
and we had two kinds of octopus,
and then,
because I was with my friend Emmy,
you know Emmy?
Yeah.
Yeah, from the movie.
You remember Emmy?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She asked for this thing.
It's like a octopus potato pancake.
You know what I'm talking about?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I don't know the name of it,
but you know-
Do you know what-
Have you ever had that?
Wow.
Did you like that Korean restaurant?
It was so good.
Did you like that Korean restaurant?
Yeah, what are you talking about?
It was so good.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Korean barbecue is genuinely-
One of the best.
Up there.
Up there of my favorite meals.
Really?
Oh, yeah, dude.
Yeah, thank you.
Because I just-
I love that they tell you
what different kinds of meat,
and she cooks it
at different temperatures.
I love that.
Yeah, thank you, finally.
The only thing I don't like-
Is the people.
Is the people.
The people are annoying.
No, the only thing I didn't like
of all the Korean stuff was
I don't like the macaroni salad,
the side bowls.
Why?
I don't like mayonnaise.
Okay.
Yucky.
That's like-
But they bring out a bunch
of different plates, no?
I know.
The kimchi was good.
Yeah, yeah.
The pickles, the spicy pickles.
Oh, that stuff was so good.
I love Korean barbecue, man.
I do, too.
Take me.
Whenever I see-
Maybe you can take this
the wrong way,
but this is the truth.
This is that
if I see like the movie
The Cove
where the dolphins
are being slaughtered
in that bay,
I get hungry for dolphins.
Dolphin fin soup.
It's really weird.
It's like-
I get hungry.
Yeah.
Look at all that blood.
Look at all that.
You could just put that
into a soup.
You scoop it from the bay.
Right.
Boil it right there.
Or you learn how to cut a hole.
It really is sad.
Have you seen that documentary?
It's not that sad.
No, it's pretty sad.
It's really sad.
But you know what?
I don't like hurting dolphins.
But here's my argument, though.
But you can hurt
a lot of other things.
When they say dolphins
are the smartest sea mammals-
They are.
Right?
They have sex for fun.
Then why-
Like for me,
it's like if I'm swimming
into a bay
and it's blood,
there's blood,
I'm going the other direction.
It's like walking down an alleyway
and you see blood in an alleyway.
You see a guy getting stabbed.
Yeah, would you not-
And he's like,
go the other way!
Yeah.
Just keep walking towards him.
Would you walk the other way?
100%.
So how bright are they, really?
Well, they're going to save their friend.
They want to know,
is he okay?
Yeah.
And can they do a different noise?
Yeah, I don't like the-
Yeah, do a different noise.
Yo.
What do you want him to sound like?
Don't make it-
Don't make it urban.
Hey, man.
Why do you-
It's not-
How is that urban?
All right, maybe-
Hey, man.
Maybe they won't.
Hey, man, that hurts, dog.
Hey, wait, what's that dog?
See, don't add dog.
It's a dog doing it.
A dog is killing it.
Yeah, that's why it's in it.
Hey, man.
Yeah.
I don't know.
They do need a different noise.
Do your dolphin.
That's really good.
Wow, that was really good.
Well, guess what?
Don't laugh.
Who'd you swim with?
Dolphins.
What?
Did you-
Yeah.
Yeah.
You swam with dolphins?
And there was a baby.
Do they-
Could you stand on their nose?
Can they push your feet, right?
Isn't that what they do?
Yeah, but we didn't do that.
I did that in Mexico one time.
Yeah.
I mean, I don't-
Swam with them?
You know what I do?
Yeah.
I ride them.
You get on top?
Oh, yeah, they let me.
They'll stop right now and I'll get on their back, right?
Did you do-
What?
The blowhole?
Well, that's how I get locked into the seat.
You ride it backwards?
Yeah, you got to lock in.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I get locked in, yeah.
But dolphins are fun to ride.
But anyway-
Wait, wait.
Tell me how you rode.
Did you hold on to the fins?
Yeah.
You held on to the fins and it's two dolphins, right?
Mm-hmm.
In Mexico, I know this was illegal.
I know this was wrong.
In Cabo one time-
Port of Arizona, wherever we were, the guy was like, he's like, okay, he push
with your
foot.
You put your foot on his-
No, he push you.
And I was like, oh, really?
Is that-
That's not going to hurt.
And he's like, no, it's okay.
It's okay.
It's okay.
Yeah.
And then I slammed my foot like against its face.
Why?
No, no, no.
Not on purpose.
Yeah.
But like to like get in there.
Yeah.
Imagine a pale red foot being pressed against your face.
How insulting.
Oh, by the way.
And then I had to put out all this sunscreen and the dude was like,
no, you can't get it in the water.
It's bad for the dolphin.
And I was like, I have to have it.
He's like, no, no, maybe a little bit.
And I was like, okay.
Like 10 minutes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Then I get in.
He's like, oh, it's bad.
And as soon as I get in, you know, the oil, you can see it pool on the top of
the water.
Yeah.
And he was like, he's going to kill the dolphin.
He's going to die.
Yeah.
So he's dead now, dude.
I killed a dolphin.
I wrote him on the nose and then I dipped my shit in there and now he's dead.
Let's be more positive.
Sorry.
He's alive.
Good.
Nice.
He's dead, dude.
He went to the cove.
Yeah.
I drank my, well, I have a story that people don't believe that I did because
they think,
oh, how dumb are you?
Right.
And, but it's, that's why I'm afraid to tell the story because it doesn't seem
like it's
real.
What did you do?
So I was with Kalilah and we were in a Hawaiian trip, but then we ran into a
school of jellyfish.
So then I had bumps from the top of my head down to my feet.
Wait, you swam into it?
Yeah.
You didn't see it?
Well, they're translucent.
It's a school.
You can see a lot of them.
I don't open my eyes when I'm in the water.
You don't?
No, I'm like, you know, I get scared.
Do you open your eyes underwater?
Yeah, we wear a mask.
Yeah, I didn't wear a mask.
Oh, you just, what?
I was just like, you know what I mean?
Oh.
You know, and we, but everyone ran into them.
Like you, Kalilah?
Everyone, right?
Yeah.
So we were with these two white dudes and they're like ocean photographers.
Mm-hmm.
You know, like, you know, like the ones with the, with the abs.
The hot guys.
That's what I wanted to say.
Yeah, hot guys.
The sexy hot guys.
Like surfer bros.
Right.
So we were all standing around.
They're like, I go, I, I'm so itchy.
Like, we're all itchy, dude.
Just urine.
Right?
You have to pee on yourself.
But I didn't, it's no.
So what, they, they pulled their dicks out.
These guys?
Yeah.
And they, they started peeing into a cup.
Drink it.
Well, that's what happened.
So I, so what happened was.
No.
Yes.
No.
So I go, oh, I'm not going to do it with you guys.
I'm just going to go behind.
So I went behind like a tree and I peed in the thing and then I drank it.
No.
And then when it came back, I saw them putting it on their body and I go, oh,
it goes on
the body and they're like, what'd you do with it?
I go, I know that came out.
You know what I mean?
So I didn't, you didn't do it.
It's in the body.
It's in the body.
You drank your own pee?
Now when I tell that story, yeah, I told that story on stage and no one
believed me.
I mean, I believe it.
Knowing you, I, I believe it.
You believe it?
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah, right away.
Good, good, good.
Yeah.
I saw someone get out of the water with a jellyfish sting and it was so bad one
time.
It was huge.
It like welted up their body.
You're lucky you didn't get.
Well, the manta ray, what's the big one called?
Manta ray is a sting ray.
Not a manta ray.
There's a big one called the.
Box jellyfish can kill you.
Not a box one.
There's one called with an M. Look it up.
No.
Yeah, yeah.
Paul Manafort.
Yeah, that's him.
What's it?
Yeah, Paul Manafort.
You know him.
Yeah.
Jellyfish.
Jellyfish M.
M jellyfish.
What?
Oh, man o' war.
Man o' war.
Oh, yeah, the man o' war.
That's what I'm talking about, the man o' war.
Portuguese.
Now, click on that image.
Look at how beautiful that is.
I feel like you die from that.
It's cool.
No, that one, you'll die.
Well, they call it a man o' war for.
You should throw that in war at people.
I don't know.
Why do they call it that?
But it sounds scary.
Why do they call it man o' war?
That is beautiful.
Look at the colors in that thing.
It's beautiful.
But if you touch that, you'll die.
Right, Rude?
Don't you like that?
Yeah.
Well, no, if you touch the stingers.
If you touch the up top itself, it's not that bad.
If the stingers get you.
You know what that looks like to me?
Uh