Name: Sneaky Goosh & Lazy Alono in Cancún | Ep 90 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-11-08T17:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sneaky Goosh & Lazy Alono in Cancún | Ep 90 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Sneaky Goosh & Lazy Alono in Cancún | Ep 90 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-08. Transcript available.

Sneaky Goosh & Lazy Alono in Cancún | Ep 90 | Bad Friends

- From the "Bad Friends" podcast.
- Yeah!
- Thank you so much.
So, this guy right here, Andrew Santino,
give him a round of applause.
- Oh, thanks, man, thanks, man.
- He's a piece of shit, all right?
He's ugly.
But anyway, I know he's not, he's hot as fuck, okay?
- All right.
- I've sucked his dick three times.
- All right, all right.
- So, it's delicious.
So, my point is that we didn't know what song it was,
and we went in the woods over there.
Is there a woods over there?
- There's no woods.
- There isn't?
- Just the beach.
- We went in the darkness, the darkness,
and we rehearsed it for the first time, so excuse us.
- So, you're getting it the first time, all right?
- The first time we've ever done this.
All right?
Are you gonna help us sing?
- Josh, help us sing.
- Josh, help us sing, you must help us sing.
- Right?
- You guys ready to go, what?
- You guys ready to go?
- One, two, three, four.
- What I want, you got it.
- No, no, no.
Hold on, hold on.
You're too early.
Now!
- No, we got it.
- We fucking rehearsed this on the fucking beat.
- He got it!
- No, he stops and then you go.
- He was on it!
- One more time.
One, two, three, four.
Yeah, yeah.
Two more times.
Here it is.
- I'll tell you when.
- And I'll win.
- Fuck!
Here we go.
- What I want, you got it.
It might be hiding.
- Hand up.
Like a flame that's burning a candle.
The candle is a flame.
Oh, yeah.
Stock, gold, stock, thoughts and dreams will scatter.
And you pull them all together.
And I can't explain.
Oh, yeah.
Well, well, you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
You make my dreams come true, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Well, well, well, you, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
You make my dreams come true, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
- You two are bad friends.
- Who are these two idiots?
- A white dude and an Asian dude.
- You two are disgusting.
- Who are you two or something?
- We're bad friends.
- You have to take your clothes off.
- All right.
- Don't burn your cigarette on your shirt.
Don't burn your shirt with your cigarette.
- Okay, this is my first rodeo.
Okay? - Good boy.
- My first rodeo. - All the way or?
- Yeah, sure.
- I don't know. - We can blur it.
Go ahead. No, no, no, we'll do it.
- No, no, no, no, we'll do it.
We'll blur it.
Go ahead.
Come on in.
Wow, it's so funny and so small.
Come on in.
I mean, no, it's nice.
It's actually kind of nice.
It's so dark.
Your penis is the darkest penis
I've ever seen in my entire life.
Come here real quick.
Let me see.
Hey, look at this.
Coming to you live from Cancun, Mexico.
We're here with Bobby Lee, sir.
Oh, my God, it's so sleepy.
Peepy.
Come on, get in here.
Let's get in the tub.
This is definitely the intro.
All right.
I'm going to sit on the edge
while my little nudie booty is down there.
Hey, welcome to Cancun.
I'm one of your hosts, Bobby Lee.
And we've got Andrew Santino.
And this has been a disaster.
Okay, welcome.
Welcome back to Bad Friends.
Bob's in the tub and he's butt naked.
It's been a disaster.
And it's been.
No, it's been kind of fun.
Well, aside from the fact that I experienced the worst show I've ever done in
my life.
Yeah, we did the worst show we've ever done in our entire life.
You know, that was the worst show I've ever done in my life.
Poor Jim Jeffries.
At one point, Jim Jeffries turned to me and was like, I can't hear a fucking
thing you're saying.
He couldn't hear anything we were saying.
No, he looks at me at one point.
His face is sweating.
Yeah, dripping sweat.
And he goes, can we go?
Wait, what is that?
Can we go?
Let me hear.
Can we go?
Can we go?
Yeah, and I go, no.
He's a cheeky little British boy?
Can we go?
And I go.
Let me get in the tub with you.
Get in here, man.
This is going to be so bad for my back.
Scoot back, please.
Go back over on that.
I've never seen so much of you.
Lean back against there.
There it is.
Put your penis above your thighs though, so it's poking up.
Why?
Because I want to see it.
Can you see it on the camera?
I'm trying not to.
Let me see.
Oh.
Cute, right?
Yeah.
Pretty cute.
A little shell just popping up.
Yeah.
It's like a.
When did it stop growing, do you think?
Seven?
Bro, bro.
Or eight?
It's always been growing.
All right?
You should see it.
Dude, I can't stop looking at it.
You should have seen it 20 years ago.
I can't stop looking at it.
You know what it is?
It looks like a skin tag.
You know when you're on the beach?
You know when you're on the beach and you see like an animal emerging from the
sand after
the water washes over it?
That's what that looks like.
It pops up a little bit and then it goes right back down.
It goes right away.
No, I feel like it deserves a shell.
It needs a shell.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It needs a little thing.
A protective layer.
And when it pops up, just a little head.
It's a little eye pokes through.
Yeah, like that, right?
And then it goes back down.
Is he going, suck me.
Suck me.
Or is he going, suck me.
Feed me.
Oh, feed me.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That's hot.
Right.
But I don't think it absorbs.
No, you can't.
It doesn't actually eat.
Oh, can I have a theory?
Have I talked about this before?
I might have already.
I have a theory that men queef as well.
You've had air come out of your penis?
Well, one night I was in the bathtub and I hear that sound.
And I realized that was a little bit of an air coming out of my pee hole.
So, theoretically, it's a queef, but it's coming out of a penis.
And just because this doesn't make a lot of sound like a woman's queef does.
Women's are full on.
Give me an example of.
A woman's queef is like.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
And mine's more like.
Yeah.
But it's afterwards.
So, we call it a puif.
A puif.
A puif.
You want to call it a puif?
Puif.
I think I've come up with a new term.
I've never done that.
Have you ever puifed, Fancy?
You don't know you're doing it because it's so small.
I don't think I have.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You don't think you have?
You've never puifed?
Yeah, I don't think I puifed.
I don't think you're.
I don't know if that's real, but I think it could just be your biology.
Maybe it's a theoretical idea that probably isn't true.
But, you know, let's talk about Endor.
Okay, so here's what happened.
First of all, can you get a shot out there, George?
Look what they put.
They put us.
So many other people.
Nikki Glaser got an oceanfront view.
We have the jungle.
And zoom down if you can see down there.
People are cutting as we're podcasting.
They are.
Well, you can't.
They're cutting.
It's Mexican people doing what they do.
They're just cutting away.
They just love it.
As soon as they find.
What are you looking at?
What?
As soon as they find a knife or scissors, they're like,
I got to go to cut something.
Yeah.
And they just got to go cut stuff.
Bobby said that that was a reward.
I said, is that a punishment?
And Bobby said, no, that's a reward for them.
Well, I don't know if you know this, but if you want to capture a Mexican,
all you have to do is put.
No, you just hear me out.
Just.
All you have to do is build it like a little cage.
Yeah.
Right.
Oh, wow.
Right.
And then you have a little trapdoor thing.
Right.
I get that.
Right.
And inside, just put a couple of scissors.
Like one of those long.
Cheers.
Cheers.
What they call them.
Whackers.
Yeah.
The gate will close and you have four of them.
You'll have, you'll get four of them.
Yeah.
What are we doing here?
Yeah.
What are we doing here?
And they get scared.
And all you have to do is give them a chimichanga.
That's it?
It relaxes them.
Oh, they calm down.
Yeah.
They love fried beef.
They love it.
It relaxes them.
And what you do is.
Comprende?
Comprende?
Comprende?
Which means, do you understand, right?
Correct.
And they go.
In their own way.
I don't know Spanish.
But in their own way, they're going.
We've, we know that we've run into a Korean demon.
Oh, yeah.
When they know right away.
When they know right away.
They can smell it right away.
Yeah.
And let me tell you something.
Is that racist what I just said?
It is.
But please, please don't steal them.
Please don't steal them.
It feels, it feels racist.
Well, remind the fans not to steal a Mexican.
Please don't steal them.
Don't steal the Mexicans.
No.
No.
It's just, it's just something to do.
That's like a sign they would have at the border.
Please don't steal the Mexicans.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
But if you notice out here, this is where they shot Endor.
It does.
I keep saying that.
No, it really is.
It looks exactly.
Wait, really?
Yeah.
No.
Yeah, they shot Endor scenes.
In Cancun?
Not in Cancun, but in this area.
In this area?
I just made that up.
Oh, I know you did.
Speaking of Cancun, last night, we were happy to know that we did a couple of
shows.
We can cut to the tape right now of us bombing with Jim Jeffries.
You'll see some of this right now.
Here you go.
I masturbate.
Thank you.
And I get really lonely, you know?
So when I masturbate, I grab my own ass.
Is that, that was it?
Yeah.
I should write more.
I should write more.
Look, that joke crushed.
Yeah.
What a, that was a killer.
I have another one.
Give me another shot.
Please try one more time.
I have another shot.
I have another, all right?
So my mom was a Jehovah Witness.
What?
Do you guys know that?
Do you know that?
My mom was a Jehovah Witness.
Say it to me.
My mom was a Jehovah Witness.
Your mom was a Jehovah's Witness.
Yeah.
Do you guys know that?
Right?
His mother's a Jehovah's Witness?
Is that what's happening?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Can I translate the jokes for the Australian people?
What?
Let me finish the fucking joke.
Okay.
So then my mom used to knock on my bedroom door and I'd go, what do you want
mom?
She'd go, just practicing.
Crushed.
Crushed.
Crushed.
Crushed.
Pretty good joke.
Clean too.
When was the last time you did that joke?
Twenty years ago.
Twenty years?
It was about five seconds ago.
Yeah.
You do a joke that you used to do.
Twenty years ago?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Every time, I'll sit down.
You don't boss me around.
I flew here for you, okay?
Uh, okay.
I'll, uh...
Two Jews, uh...
It's okay.
Um...
Twenty years ago joke.
One of my first jokes was, uh, um...
Oh, I saw a sign.
I saw a sign.
A girl holding a sign that said...
Start over.
Start over.
Is that it?
Start over.
It wasn't clear.
Start over.
And more energy, because you're doing a joke.
This is a show.
Okay.
So, a little energy, alright?
Everybody, Anderson Tito!
Woo!
Make it good.
Um...
I saw a girl holding a sign, and it said,
"Make love, not war."
Which is weird, because every time I make love,
it's just like war.
There's a lot of destruction.
There's a lot of destruction.
A lot of death.
And money is usually owed.
It's a prostitute.
An old prostitute joke.
Pretty good.
It's one of my first jokes.
Pretty good joke.
Jim, can you do a bad joke you did from back in the day?
He doesn't want to do it.
He doesn't have any bad jokes.
He can't think of any.
No, I have bad...
He's remembering me stuff from 20 years ago.
That was like one of the first shitty jokes that I wrote.
And I remember it actually did good enough in open mics where I was like,
alright.
I can remember one bit I used to do for my first ever set, but it's not...
Hold on.
Hold on.
It's not good.
It was from my...
Let's hear it.
Let's hear it.
It was from my first set, so it's not...
Yeah.
Come on.
Come on baby.
Come on baby.
Come on baby.
I don't remember how it goes.
So I used to be obsessed with doing like religious jokes.
I probably watched too much Bill Hicks or some shit like that.
So I didn't...
Yeah.
This is what I had was...
I was like, Jesus, right?
He didn't know he was Jesus until he was 30.
He died at 33.
For the first 30 years he did fucking nothing.
And then when he turned 30 he started doing miracles and shit for the last
three years.
And then he died.
Surely his mother would have said something.
She would have gone, I was artificially inseminated by an angel.
You should check on that.
Maybe that was...
But he worked as a carpenter up until then.
Maybe it wasn't his fault.
Maybe his dad sat him do