Name: Black Monday w/ Erik Griffin | Ep 92 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-11-22T17:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Black Monday w/ Erik Griffin | Ep 92 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Black Monday w/ Erik Griffin | Ep 92 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-11-22. Transcript available.

Black Monday w/ Erik Griffin | Ep 92 | Bad Friends

Hi, I'm Andrew Santino of Bad Friends. It's Black Friday and we're having a
Black Friday sale.
Buy one thing, get anything else in the store, 25% off. Badfriendsmerch.com.
Go to badfriendsmerch.com, buy something, get 25% off, anything else in the
store.
Happy Black Friday.
Hey, Bad Friends, I'm on the road. Go to andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
I'm going to be in San Diego. Then I'm going to be in Fort Lauderdale, Florida.
Then I'm going to Arizona, Phoenix. I'll be there for New Year's Eve shows.
And then in the new year, I'm going to be in D.C., Atlanta, Albany, Seattle,
Portland.
I'm jumping all over the place and there's more dates being added.
Go to andrewsantino.com for tickets.
andrewsantino.com for tickets.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
A white dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Let me say this. Welcome, everybody, to the Black Monday set.
Dark night.
This is Black Monday.
We don't do Black Friday. We do Black Monday.
Is it Black Monday? Oh, fuck it.
It is Black Monday.
It's Black Monday set.
And that's what's up, dog?
I feel it, bro.
Hey, you feeling good on Black Monday, dog?
How about you, player?
Black Monday in the house, dog?
I'm bored.
Give me some skin.
Let's have some skin.
You want to raise the roof together or what, dog?
Security.
What's going on?
What's going on with you?
You come in with such rage and anger.
Can I get a second?
I just parked.
Can I get a second?
You just put me right into the fire?
Go ahead.
God.
What is it?
I want a Squid Games this fucker so bad right now.
We talked about which one we would lose at.
Which one do you think you'd lose at at Squid Games?
All of them.
No, but would you make it past any of those things?
I don't know, dude.
The cookie carving one, I think you might be able to do.
You know what?
No, no, no.
That's not.
You took that the wrong way.
Wow.
You took that the wrong way.
Dude, I've always thought that you were.
There was a cookie carving one?
The one where they had to scratch out the sugar.
Oh, right, right, right.
You were a clock maker.
That's how skilled you are with your hands.
A clock maker?
Yeah, you have that vibe.
Like a key maker, kind of a.
I didn't understand why.
If the glass thing can hold two people,
why didn't they just swing the littlest person,
boom, that one breaks, yeah, boom, that one breaks,
and then now we can all go.
Like get their arms and their legs.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
They don't know what the game is, right?
They knew what that one was.
It said it could hold two people.
It did say that.
I know, but under the circumstances and the stress of it,
I just don't think.
Yeah, you would have been that guy in the front
that was like, I'm not going to move.
Yeah, I'm that guy, 100%.
For sure that.
Which one am I?
No, I'm the guy.
Oh, you're the bastard guy at the end
who turned on everybody.
That's for sure you.
No, I'm the one that,
I would take somebody down with me.
So I'm like that girl who dragged.
You're the girl.
He's the girl.
I'm the girl for sure.
The girl that grabs the guy.
Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, you're getting fucked in the bathroom.
Like if I ever got him.
If I ever.
He goes in there for a smoke too.
He's sneaking away for a smoke
just to get fucked.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
By the big gangster.
I think, dude, I think as a male, as me,
I think I probably would do something like that.
What?
Fuck a guy?
Because I don't want to die.
I don't want to die.
That's the number one thing.
I'd rather never die, right?
So I think I'd make decisions based on survival
and I think that I would definitely fuck that guy
with a tattoo on his neck.
You turning on your friends?
Yeah, I would turn on you.
You just looking out for you?
No.
That would be Bobby.
Bobby's special would be called
turning on your friends
and him just looking like this away from the camera.
Yeah.
Putting your back out.
You know what I do with the,
what's it called?
What?
The tug of war?
Tug of war.
I would just tie his whole body to the end of it
like an anchor, right?
And I would just lay on your stomach.
Wait, hold on a second.
And you would just lay there as an ankle.
I think that's what I would do.
And then you'd hear,
Hold on a second.
Hold on a second.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hold on a second, fatty.
Oh, shit.
Real talk.
Please let him know.
This is the fucking show.
Real talk.
Thank you, dog parent.
That's the dog parent over there.
You just as fat, okay?
Yeah, I know.
I'm just saying what I would do,
would you do that?
If, like, under the circumstances,
I would just be like,
Eric, get to the end.
We're going to tie it around your body.
You're actually the old guy.
You're actually really the old guy
who did all this
and he's going to die in a bed.
Oh.
Yeah.
Yeah, you're a psycho
who planned all this chaos.
Right, he's a psychopath, yeah.
The whole time,
just to toy with people.
Yeah.
That's what Bobby would do.
If he got all that money,
he would just puppeteer chaos like that
if he was that rich.
No, I said,
if I was in that show,
I would have died in the van.
On the way there,
that's right.
Yeah, you didn't say that.
Yeah, just from claustrophobia.
Griff, where'd you just come back from?
I texted you.
Where were you?
I was in Tampa.
I used Griff's phone number
to get free Wi-Fi on flights.
Yeah, and I always know, too.
I always know.
Wait, wait, wait.
Like, I get a text message
on the go-go flight thing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because if you're T-Mobile,
if you're T-Mobile,
which is no one I know
other than Griff.
Hey, I got T-Mobile.
Oh, look at this.
Oh, is this,
what are you talking about size-wise?
Okay, so.
I think you look good there.
All right, no, no, no, fuck you.
I think you look good.
So, no, no, fuck you.
You and I are in a text stream
and somebody sent this to us.
And it looks good.
And it sent it to me
and I went directly to the store
and I go,
delete this photo.
Why, you look good.
And they still haven't deleted it.
Like, everything just imploded
in my body.
Yeah.
And that's it.
That's the second before.
It looks like he took
a really hot shit
and his butthole was burning.
And he's trying to pull his pants up.
Like, ah, my butthole.
You know when a pastry chef
is piping out icing out of a bag?
Yeah.
You look like an icing bag,
100%.
Oh, for sure.
Like there's like mustard in it.
No, you know what
that photo looks like?
If I was the Boston Marathon runner
and my bag exploded
like prematurely.
So I'm about to plant a fucking bag, right?
So fucked up.
And I'm like,
so fucked.
Yeah, they do this a lot though.
They take such bad photos.
I had to hit them up about one too.
It was like,
dude, you had to pick
the worst picture of me?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, so it's so funny
that some of the photographers
there do a great job.
Pam does, like,
they do good jobs
and then sometimes they'll pick,
I'll see the photos,
I'll go, yo, those are dope.
And then they'll pick the one
that I go like this
where I'm going,
like that.
And they post that.
That's because there's a comic
work in that.
Well, I know who runs the account.
That's why.
So wait,
what was up in Tampa?
What'd you do?
Side splitters?
How was it?
It was all right.
Why just all right?
It's just all right, man.
What's a side splitter?
I think a lot of these places
You never played Tampa Club?
I played the side,
well, no,
the Houston Club
Improv
used to be
in the old
old side splitters.
You ever see play that club
when you walk in?
Was there a side splitters in Houston?
There used to be.
Used to be, yeah.
So you walked in
and what it was,
the lobby was trees.
But not just trees.
Like Rainforest Cafe?
Exactly.
But they had the trees
inside the building.
Right.
And on the walls,
it's all branches and trees.
It looked like a cauldron.
What's a cauldron?
No.
What is it?
You mean a dungeon?
No, it looked like a...
What's a cauldron?
A cauldron is a witch brew thing.
They would make a cauldron.
That looks like a place
where they make cauldrons.
You know, like double, double,
toil and trouble.
That's a cauldron.
That's a cauldron?
Look, that's a cauldron.
We have one at the studio.
It looks like the club used...
Fuck it, man.
It just looks like
it was a cauldron factory.
Say it was like Rainforest Cafe.
But Houston...
It wasn't.
It was darker.
It was fine, though.
Yeah.
Anyway, let's go back to side splitters.
It was fine.
Florida crowds are...
I mean, look,
and they don't have to do
vaccine shit down there, do they?
Yeah, they don't give a fuck down there.
It's wild.
Yeah.
Florida...
Something happened to me in Florida
the first thing that...
The first time it has
and it'll never happen again.
What's that?
I did a double
before Kal-Ella.
You had a threesome?
No, I made love to two girls
in one night.
Before the show, after the show?
Both after the show.
You said...
Like it was like a...
You come...
This time, you come at this time.
I feel like crying
just thinking about it.
Because you're emotional
and you miss it?
Could you miss it?
Yeah.
It was just a miracle
from God, I think.
How did it happen?
Okay, so I met a...
I don't know if I said...
What does it matter?
I met a preacher's daughter.
A what?
Preacher's daughter?
Oh, he's not gonna...
You think he listens
to this fucking podcast?
I don't want her to listen.
She was really angry
at her father.
You know what I mean?
I'll go fuck a fat Asian guy, Dad.
How about that?
Can I tell you something?
That maniacal laugh I hear
coming from the other room
is the best.
Fancy?
Hey, hey, hey, Tits,
what are you laughing at?
Oh, boy.
Here we go.
He's talking to you, Doc.
Oh, I'm over here just...
Man, in my phone a little bit.
My bad.
I didn't even know.
Y'all was talking about Sass.
God.
Wait, is Doc here...
Jules is really
rubbing off on you, huh?
What?
Is Doc out here
doing the cars?
Oh, that's who we're going
with the parking cars.
He's our lot, Doc.
Hit him.
Hit him, Doc.
Hit him back.
Are you the lot, dude?
Hit him back, Doc.
So anyway,
so one of the girls
was a preacher's daughter.
Yeah.
And the other girl was...
What happened was
she left my hotel
and I met another girl,
a college student.
You were outside
smoking a cigarette
and a girl walked by.
No.
She had exchanged my...
So when I was
with the preacher's daughter,
I had exchanged my numbers
with another girl
and she goes,
I mean, I left my group.
Where are you at?
Oh, where are you at?
So I went to the...
Looked at the preacher's daughter
and I go,
you got to get out of here
because I have to do radio
in the morning.
She left
and then when the elevator reopened,
it was the other girl.
Wow.
So it was like
one of those nights.
That's magic.
Yeah, and then a little
visine drop came out
of my pee-pee.
That's all you had in there?
That's all I had left
in the garage.
For the second one?
For the second one.
No, no.
The first one.
The second one.
Well, the pole is
who's more disappointed?
The second one's blood came out.
What?
Who's more disappointed
is the pole.
The first girl
who got, you know,
all of it.
There's a lot of protein there, dude.
I mean, it's like, you know...
But you're probably
so excited.
Oh, my God.
You're probably so excited
that you just...
Yeah, I was excited.
Too pumped.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Too pumped for sure.
Has that ever happened to you?
What?
Two girls in one night?
Yes.
Okay, sure.
I don't want to hear a story.
No, you don't want to hear?
Yeah.
No, no.
It was in Indianapolis, actually.
Was it?
It was in Indianapolis.
That's good.
After Helium?
Is that what?
Or do you...
Crackers.
Crackers.
Yeah.
Crackers.
What's that lady's name?
She was a cracker.
What's that lady's name
that owns crackers
in Indianapolis?
I love her.
God, I see her face.
I love her.
Ruth Ann.
Ruth Ann.
Ruth, yeah.
She reminds me
of the lady
that owns
the Funny Bone
in Nebraska.
Omaha?
I never did it.
I never did it.
Oh, my God.
You got to play
Omaha, Nebraska
because the lady
that runs a club
is like 1960s,
like a rock.
Like, she loved
the Stones.
But she still
has that energy.
Like, she used to go
to shows.
She'd pee on 