Name: Good Cop, Black Cop | Ep 94 | Bad Friends
Uploaded: 2021-12-06T08:00:17.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Good Cop, Black Cop | Ep 94 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Good Cop, Black Cop | Ep 94 | Bad Friends' from Bad Friends on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-12-06. Transcript available.

Good Cop, Black Cop | Ep 94 | Bad Friends

Hey, bad friends, I'm on tour.
Come see me this weekend.
I'm going to be in Florida at Fort Lauderdale.
Go to andrewsantino.com.
And also New Year's Eve, I'm going to be in Phoenix doing New Year's shows.
And then all next year, I'm everywhere.
Go to andrewsantino.com, andrewsantino.com for those tickets.
Hey, guys, I'm Steve.
What's going on?
It's really good to be here and, you know.
You two are bad friends.
Who are these two idiots?
White dude and an Asian dude.
You two are disgusting.
You two are something.
We're bad friends.
Hey, Andrew, you want to see Judas?
Right here, boy.
Scissor bros in the building.
Black Judas, boy.
Look at this, boy.
Look at the photo.
Oh, I've never seen his face like that.
Holy shit.
That was real anger.
Oh, that was a pure rage.
Washing over his face.
This is insane, dude.
They were like, Bobby and Stino going to love this come through.
And I said, you know what?
No, no, we're not.
We're not.
What is this we're going to love?
I don't love this shit.
Yeah, I don't love it either.
Dude, they're biting off of our shit.
Now it's whack.
It's whack to you?
Talking to the mic, dog.
I think you're a pro, dog.
It's whack, man?
I thought it was good.
No, dude, dude.
What it is.
Okay.
Is Shakespearean.
It's Shakespearean betrayal.
This is betrayal.
Yeah.
Look at all these little knives on our backs.
We're doing a Scissor Brothers.
We have to put the stuff on.
What is this?
It's Scissor Brothers Club.
Oh, is this Jeremiah?
Yeah.
Oh, right.
You remember?
Right.
Okay, you remember.
Is this brand new?
Yes.
This is?
Yep.
Do we have to wear the shirts?
Which shirt is that?
I don't know why.
What is that?
Do I get an instrument?
Straight up.
Do you know what this is called?
You don't know, do you?
Recorder.
Wow.
I used to play it.
Can you rip?
No.
You have an accordion in front of you.
I have an accordion in front of you.
You have an accordion in front of you.
Careful.
I love Doc, yeah, he's gay.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That ain't.
That's really good.
Pretty good.
I was going to say that my first time.
Yeah, that actually was pretty good.
Wait.
The lyrics.
My friend, Doc, he gay.
Really good?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I've been proving.
Every time I do it, you come up with a riff.
Ready?
Yeah.
Rudy.
That's it.
You know what I want to be supportive?
I want to be supportive.
That's a very good premise, a beginning.
Hold on.
Rudy.
Doc.
Doc.
Um, fancy.
Oh.
And then George.
And then Pete.
Fuck this.
I don't like this.
Bro, bro, bro.
If you were an Indian dude, a snake would not come out of the fucking house.
He'd just be like, because that song sucks.
He'd just be just, yeah, yeah.
He'd be like, what's he playing?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm not going to do my little thing.
Um, this is for, this is for the.
No, I don't want to talk.
I don't want to do this.
Why are we promoting these guys?
I know.
Fuck this shit, man.
Fuck these guys.
That's exactly what I was saying.
I don't like this, dude.
Okay.
This is giving this show more attention, these guys, and they don't deserve it.
Look at this fucking shirt.
What?
Look at his fucking shoes.
Oh, my fucking God.
You pour the fucking shit.
There's nothing wrong with this, fellas.
Yeah.
We're connected.
No, no, no.
What does it say on the back?
Dude, dude, dude.
Traitor?
Just leave.
You know what it's like, dude?
Those guys have jerseys?
It's like a Manchester United team.
Like Cristiano Ronaldo.
Cristiano Ronaldo walking into the Old Trafford training room.
Right.
With a fucking Manchester City sweatshirt on.
That's exactly.
That's Man City.
You know what they would have done?
They would fucking burn him alive.
Wow.
They would burn him alive in Old Trafford, and no one would ever talk to him
about it again.
I don't know what I just-
Y'all want to burn me?
No, we don't want to burn you because of the climate, because of the culture.
Oh, yeah.
The culture shift in.
So, if this happened eight years ago, you would have been burned, bro.
Fuck.
Just burned.
Hot dog.
Hot, yeah.
Hot dog.
Hot dog.
Well, I'm glad that these are cheap.
All right.
So, real quick, real quick, bro.
Take that off.
Oh, you really want me to take-
Okay.
100%, yeah.
Okay, yeah.
Let's get up out of this right away.
I want you to take that.
Yeah, take that off.
Who?
Did they give that to you?
Yeah.
Let me see it.
You know who they bet that from?
Who?
Dumbfounded.
You know how he has this Koreantown fucking sweatshirt?
Yeah.
It's nice.
Here, put-
Doc, put this on instead.
That's your Jeremiah today.
Yeah, yeah.
Give me that jersey real fast.
Yeah.
Okay, hold on.
I won't destroy it.
I won't destroy it.
I'll be right back.
Where are you going?
Be right back.
Hey guys, I'm Steve.
I have a bottle of water right up there.
I know I'm 47, but I act like I'm 12.
Are you tired, Rudy?
No.
You're rubbing your eyes.
Well, Rudy has done a little change because what happened to Rudy last night is
she left
the house at night.
She came back a different person.
Where did she go, you ask?
She went to the Harry Styles concert.
Oh my God, to H Styles?
Yeah?
Yeah, how cutie patootie is he?
He's so amazing, magical, perfect.
Okay.
I love him so much.
I know.
What's one of his songs?
What do you mean?
I'm sorry, by the way.
Never coming back out.
Can't you see if things just stay the same?
Is this a hit?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Wait, the lyrics were so bad.
What?
Say it.
Don't sing it.
Just say.
What do you mean?
I'm sorry, by the way.
Never coming back down.
Can't you see?
You're still singing it?
Yeah.
You can't.
You just talk it.
Just talk it.
But I want to sing it.
All right.
You know what?
I'd love to hear another one.
Let's hear another one.
Yeah, hear another Harry Styles song.
Watermelon sugar, hi.
That song I love.
Watermelon sugar, hi.
Watermelon sugar, hi.
Watermelon sugar, doc.
Hi.
We have Tammy Faye Baker in the room.
Back from the dead.
My God.
Dude, if he had a Sunday morning church service on TV, right?
He wouldn't get a lot of followers.
Maybe eight.
I'd be there.
But those eight would die for him.
Let me hear what you have to say to us.
Yeah, yeah.
Preacher.
Preacher.
Preacher.
Preacher talk.
I have come to unite the public.
I am somebody special.
Love me or hate me.
I love my goddamn self.
And tonight-
Is this preacher a narcissist?
Yeah.
That's really weird.
That's how I'm supposed to.
I'm supposed to.
Yeah, but preachers don't gloat like, I'm the best preacher in the world.
Oh, they don't?
No, no.
Oh, they talk about Jesus a little bit.
You're supposed to be humble and talk about God or war.
Yeah, start over.
Start over.
Start over.
Okay.
Tonight, we're going to talk about the Lord.
Then after that, you talk about me.
Now, God is good.
God is good.
But I'm great.
Amen.
Can I get an amen?
He's a selfish preacher.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hey, this is for the scissor bros.
Yeah.
No, don't do that.
Don't do it.
Tino, don't do it.
Don't do it.
They love you, man.
Don't do it, dude.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
That would, don't, don't.
It's my brother.
Don't do it.
I don't care.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah, I want you to do it.
I want you to do it.
I want to do it so bad, too.
Because we're out of this studio.
I want to light this whole thing on fire.
Okay, but what I'm saying is that my brother is very sensitive.
And if you want to start a real war with him, that's not good for us.
We would beat him.
I know, but I don't want him to die.
I know what it would be.
I know.
I know we would be able to defeat them.
I won't burn this because I know that's one of six shirts Doc owns.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm JK and Doc.
Doc, Doc, I know you got more than that.
Anyway, so.
Watermelon sugar high.
What's watermelon sugar?
Is that, I thought that was talking about.
They say.
It's punani, isn't it?
Yeah.
It's about punani.
It's punani juice.
That's what watermelon sugar is.
Yeah, I've never.
Do you know that?
That's punani.
First of all, I've never eaten a pussy and thought watermelon.
Let's ask Doc.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, you can't ask the black guy if he likes watermelon.
I didn't.
I think you did.
I think you did.
Did I?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, pretty much.
So, let me ask you something.
When you're listening to watermelon sugar high, Doc, in your car, right?
Okay.
What happened?
Does your dick get hard or does your mouth water?
My dick gets hard because bombshell.
I don't like watermelon.
What?
Yeah, I don't fucking like.
He's just blowing my mind.
You don't like watermelon at all.
I do not like watermelon.
I love watermelon.
You know what, Doc?
It makes me sick to my stomach.
I'm glad you said that because I hate rice.
I hate it.
So, you don't like.
That's so funny.
I don't want to get stereotypical in the show.
We can ask at the same time.
One, two, three.
Do you like fried chicken?
What?
What was I?
I didn't say anything.
You said fried chicken.
No, I didn't.
Yeah, you did.
I said, do you like fries?
Yeah, I'm not even willing.
I started sweating when you said, do you like.
I said french fries.
I mean, do you like fried chicken?
I love it.
Do you like fried chicken?
Love fried chicken.
You have to be evil without the like fried chicken.
Right.
I love it with a passion.
Dude, watermelon is the greatest fruit ever invited.
How do you not like watermelon?
How do you not like it?
I don't like it.
It just don't taste good.
But if you put a little bit of chile on there and some lemon juice, shout out
to East LA.
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, it's good that way, bro.
You don't fucking, hey, that's how we do it.
You're talking about tajin.
You're talking about tajin, right?
Tajin, right.
Yeah, tajin is good as fuck tajin.
Put that on there a little bit.
Have you ever had a fruit cart from the side of the road?
I refuse.
What?
Yeah.
Bob.
I refuse.
Bob, watermelon with fresh tajin on it.
Can't do it.
It's fresh cut of pineapple and watermelon?
Is it fresh?
They cut it right there in front of you.
Oh, that'll do it.
Okay, we need to do it.
But it's not like pre-packaged.
No, they cut it right in front of you.
My bad idea.
Mango, pineapple, watermelon, and then.
Let me ask you another good thing.
So, what's the stereotype?
The stereotype is black people like.
Can't swim.
I've never even heard of that before.
Can't swim?
I have, but I haven't.
I have, but I haven't.
Okay, let's go through all the stereotypes of all of us.
Let's go through stereotypes of all races.
All right, so we'll start with Doc.
With the ones that are in the room.
Okay.
The ones in the room, I feel like we can do it.
Because we need somebody to defend themselves.
Correct.
All right, so let's go with black first
because we're already on the topic.
Yeah.
Right?
Doc doesn't like watermelon.
That's crazy.
Never heard of that before.
Does like fried chicken.
Loves it.
Love it.
Can't swim?
Can't swim.
No.
How good?
I'm good.
I'm, you know, maybe half a pool.
You know what I'm saying?
All right, but let me ask you.
What happens when you get to the halfway point of the pool?
He drowns.
It's over.
You drown.
He falls in the bottom.
So you can't swim.
He falls in the bottom.
Like, man, you know I'm doing a good job.
Yeah, yeah.
He just drops to the bottom.
Yeah.
At least it's the effort, though.
Let me ask you this, Doc.
So if Andrew and I had a boat,
and we're like, hey, let's go sailing.
Deep, deep, not deep dish.
Deep sea sailing.
Yeah, deep sea sailing.
Deep sea sailing.
Deep sea sailing.
Fishing, right?
Yeah.
Come.
We threw you overboard.
That's a joke, right?
Funny joke.
How long would you be able to stay out there alive,
you think?
About a half a pool, like I told you.
Oh, that's not.
No way.
He's talking about how long could you tread water for?
Oh, tread water?
Maybe about a good 35 seconds or something like that.
Yeah, he's out.
He's out.
Like a stone.
Because if you get cramps from treading,
I ain't been in a pool in a while.
You can't tread water for 35 seconds.
Yeah, you're dead.
You're a dead.
You would have been the first one to die on the Titanic.
Who could tread that?
Right?
Yeah, probably.
Andrew and I could wade in the ocean for at least s